teaandbiscuit24

[teaandbiscuit24]

Hey. @selfish I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that. My biggest stress was the temper with the kids which I managed- embarrassed to say the other stuff felt normal. I actually regret ending so suddenly (other reasons) as so worried about the kids now.

They didn’t see how he was with me (I know this is true)so they are suffering now more than before.

He could do a lot of damage mentally without being too physical or crossing a line for anyone to intervene. And they love their dad so can’t stop contact. He can be amazing with them when it suits.

I didn’t leave them alone with them last few months and I stepped in if I saw him being rough/ intimidating. I don’t know for sure if he would or wouldn’t take it further with them which is why I hate leaving them alone. Also witnessed him lying, saying things were by accident to them/ telling them it was their fault etc.

[teaandbiscuit24]

1. If he genuinely is changed then being back together is best for the kids- they would be happier.
2. If he hasn’t and it’s all mind games(possible he’s very clever) then I don’t want him having the kids alone but don’t want to deprive them of him. I am genuinely worried he could turn them against me if he wanted to. I know he could manipulate enough that they wouldn’t necessarily tell anyone if he lost his temper. At the moment he wants me back still but at times in the last months he has turned nasty/ made subtle threats. So I would also feel I was protecting them better if we got back together?

I’m confused about the best thing to do. Don’t want to lose the kids or make their life worse by having tried to improve things for them and me?

[teaandbiscuit24]

I was stressed before when things got too much- now I feel like I’m sinking further into depression. He’s being so lovely especially about the 🐈. The way he behaved was due to his own mental health and issues not intentionally to hurt me.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou for answering and for all the resources. I will take a look. There were a handful of times of shoving/grabbing/throwing stuff etc but mostly intimidation/ verbal. Never without a reason though- and not intentionally to hurt me,(I know it’s not an excuse).I have been having counselling. He definitely did the course, said it was to make me happy.

I miss being in the family unit yes. So do the kids. I’m not sure about feelings for him. We were together a very long time and it ended suddenly, lots of stress. I think I was trauma bonded but then I’ve hated even the sight of him for ages and yet now it feels ‘normal’ and comforting to see him and I’m confused about how I’m feeling. He’s being very kind and supportive and I’m fighting the urge to just say come back to see what it’s like.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Keep us updated Lightbulbmoment? I’m finding this thread really useful. I’m still wavering but scared to do it as if I end up feeling like I really am to blame for everything then i will end up going back. He also says it’s about communication but we communicate via message so I don’t think it’s the real reason.

He has asked me to read what he has sent to his therapist and I refused after my friends insisted he was using it as a way to draw me in with sympathy( the week before he had been making out I was unbalanced and treated him badly to family members). But I feel horrendous – I don’t want to read it as I have enough of my own stuff to deal with but I feel like a horrible person saying no. After I said no he replied again saying he’d really appreciate it and they were saying it was evidence of him ignoring boundaries again. I’d have said yes if I was home on my own I’m sure.

How long before he gives up 🙁

[teaandbiscuit24]

My ex has asked for couples therapy and given exactly the same reason. I already question if it was really abusive or if he was just depressed and had anger issues. He has denied/ minimised/ most of what I’ve brought up. Played the victim often before. Been awful with guilt tripping/ blaming and suicide threats then quiet now seemingly a new man. Giving space, he says he has done a stress management course and now doing a parenting one too that I should give it a chance for the sake of the family etc. Bit torn tbh. He’s not actually acted on stuff before so maybe he really is willing to change?

[teaandbiscuit24]

Sat here crying again after no sleep. Thankyou so much Jessica Jones for posting- it reminds me it will get better. It feels awful and I’m so frustrated I even feel like this. I want to be making a life but I can’t even think and cry all over the place 🙁

[teaandbiscuit24]

He does and is desperate to get back together. I am grieving but won’t go back now though it doesn’t stop the guilt/ regret/ what ifs. He either adores me and puts me on a pedestal or is furious with/ insulting me/ belittling. There’s no I between and he always puts forward a good reason for the less good behaviour. I feel I don’t necessarily know the difference between a boundary and normal ups and downs of relationships.

[teaandbiscuit24]

1234freedom. Yes all of this. So many more good times than not. So much good in him. He was the one person I felt understood me completely. I see him as different people now as I totally can’t reconcile the 2. The only thing that hits home is when people point out the different behaviour on private/ public. He had an awful childhood and I believe needs help so definitely feel a sense of abandoning him. (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m swinging wildly between complete numbness and hysterical tears. I hope after this I might have accepted it fully.

[teaandbiscuit24]

She is very good. It might just be my perception that she gets frustrated to be fair. I feel broken too. And annoyed by myself as I wanted to end it and felt trapped so frustrated I don’t feel happier or at least sure of my decision.

It is exhausting isn’t it and I completely get the remembering good bits. I wish I knew how long it would be before it gets easier/ the grieving process is done. Were you together long? Over a decade here.

[teaandbiscuit24]

I am just over (removed by moderator) months since ending it. It’s our anniversary (removed by moderator) and I’m really struggling. He is desperate to be back together and has been the man he was at the beginning of the relationship since we split. I haven’t had an angry stage, I am missing the good times at the moment. I don’t think it was that bad( not physical). Counsellor says I have distorted ideas about boundaries and no model of what a respectful relationship should look like. I know he loves me though- he is distraught too. I see him because of kids and it’s so hard as it feels normal, almost surreal.

I am also completely mentally exhausted by it. I don’t even want to talk to my counsellor about it as I know she’ll be frustrated.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Yeah I would describe the relationship as having been unhealthy/ he didn’t behave well/ big mental health issues but definitely can’t define it as abusive myself. I doubt myself every week when I see him(have to for contact). And yes definitely an attitude of abuse is physical violence in my background too.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Just want to say I understand the crazy feeling…… My ex had a crap childhood and mental health issues. Also emotionally abusive if you go by ticklists etc. It doesn’t feel intentional though and he’s acted distraught if I’ve ever mentioned things- I end up feeling like a terrible person for saying anything and of course he’s not…… Always end up feeling guilty regardless of what it is. Xx

[teaandbiscuit24]

A suggestion from a friend after she witnessed inconsistent statements; write down events and comments in order to refer back to. I’m going to start doing this- wish I had weeks ago. Think it may help with the crazy feeling. X

[teaandbiscuit24]

I completely get this. I still feel trapped as I have to see him every week with the kids. I get to a point where I start to see his behaviour abusive, stop feeling guilty and acknowledge my own feelings of betrayal and dirtiness etc. Then I see/ hear from him and all of a sudden he’s the victim again and I feel like I’m going crazy.

Significant dates/ places do the same- flash up the good times(most was good) and it’s like my brain buries the crap bits. I got angry briefly for the first time and was so relieved but straight back to distress and feeling I made a huge mistake.

He keeps saying we both need support for mental health and then can get back together. I thought my mh was screwed because of him but there are childhood issues so perhaps he is right. I know it’s messed up but I have wished so many times he would just hit me so I can stop second guessing myself.

[teaandbiscuit24]

I understand your worries about access. I have split but my ex is still saying he wants more access, more I think to avoid paying money to me for them. Everyone I tell says I’m silly to worry that there’s no way he’d get them but I worry because although people are aware of how he’s treated them and me there’s not actually proof and he is very convincing.

I get scared about court but someone sensible told me that even if you can’t value yourself, it’s better for the kids to be out of it some of the time even if not all of it as they will be affected even if they haven’t seen anything. Mine are different children since he moved out and it wasn’t as violent as your situation.

I would have gone back if I could have so be prepared for that- even now I minimise and blame myself. Had some moments of clarity but flip back to thinking I was over reacting often. Sending you love and support.xxx

[teaandbiscuit24]

I feel the same – even down to the childhood. I can look at that book ‘why does he do that’ and see that he could be abusive, including post break up behaviour. My gut has always told me he has potential to be seriously dangerous but my brain tells me I have absolutely no reason to think that and am over-reacting/ being anxious.

My counsellor tells me my childhood was traumatic too. The trouble I don’t feel like they are- the relationship wasn’t physically violent. There was anger directed at objects etc. I was scared at times, looking back I can see how silent treatment/ intimidation resulted in him getting his own way etc. Name calling and disrespectful behaviour passed off as teasing. But he would never recognise the impact of any of this. An apology after calling me a stupid bitch then all would be forgotten …

He took the victim stance and bigged up mental health issues. Which I believe are genuine. Nobody else would call it abuse based on 1 or 2 incidents, and I question if there is a pattern. I think it’s the fact there is no objective observer and if you don’t trust your own judgement (I don’t) then accepting it is abuse is hard.

[teaandbiscuit24]

It has eased off again- back to Mr nice, acting as if things are completely normal. ‘accidental’ touches and trying to make me laugh etc. Not going to fall for it again- what an idiot.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Hi

He only sees the children when I’m there at the moment thankfully. So I have regular contact with him. He hasn’t found anyone else to be with him when he has them/ is choosing not to and I’m not comfortable leaving them alone with him (detail removed by Moderator). Have been working hard to not get sucked in each time but the suicide stuff is challenging to step back from. Feel trapped by it because I don’t want to deny the kids contact.

Am feeling a little calmer today though thankyou everyone.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Maddox I’m trying so very hard not to feel blame/ responsibility but it’s so difficult. And I’m terrified about what he might do because I feel like it is in my control but I’m choosing not to give him what he wants….. for good reasons yes but my decision on that could result in the kids losing their dad. I really hope it’s just another tactic.

And yes his parents were awful to him but so was mine and we have a choice don’t we- I like what you say and will allow myself to feel sympathy for his childhood without feeling I should make excuses for the now. I could never forgive or go back, he cannot accept that though.

I am concentrating on the kids 100%- they are the most important thing in the world to me. I thought they were to him too, he’s not who I thought he was :-(. Feel so broken.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou all. I already made his GP and family aware a while ago. Friend wasn’t trying to worry me- more to reassure that they had told him he was wrong about the kids etc. He is switching between who he contacts including me- drops people if they don’t respond sympathetically/ challenge what he says.

I do think it is an attention thing yes. I don’t think he would intentionally but it worries me still because whilst I think this is attention – he is also depressed and difficult to predict whether he’ll hurt himself(history of doing so) or lash put at others.

@Bananaboat I agree with you on the whole but having had a parent who tried multiple times for help/ attention/to guilt trip/ genuinely distraught, she came so so close to actually managing it on 3 occasions and that has had a massive impact on me which I would do anything to avoid for my own kids.

[teaandbiscuit24]

I haven’t since we split. We were really close ( not so with my own family) so I’m pretty devastated about it tbh. Lucky I have friends who are here for me even after I’ve neglected them for the past couple of years.

His family are hoping we will get back together so not being nasty- just the odd message over how much he is struggling 😐 The trouble is I still think the se as them a lot of the time and hate myself for doing it/ over reacted etc

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou 1234freedom. I really hope it is just another tactic. I know rationally of course it wouldn’t be my fault but it would be catastrophic for the kids of he did and I’d have stayed in the relationship if it meant sparing them that to be honest. It wasn’t awful, in fact it was good a lot of the time. Not physically violent and had committed to doing a parenting course etc

I was sure he wouldn’t get inside my head again and so frustrated this is taking so much energy from me yet again.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Sending lots of support. I have exactly the same thought processes with mental health/ intentional behaviour. Mine is now talking about autism as a cause of what he was like…. His family hate me and think I’ve massively over reacted. I feel guilty over the kids etc etc. Everything you say resonates. I can say the days after I’ve seen him because of the kids(supervised contact due to my concerns over his temper and not managing them) I feel all of the responsibility. When I’m distanced I can see how what he says and does makes me feel like that and how misplaced it is to blame myself. It’s rubbish because logic and emotions just don’t match up.

Xxx

[teaandbiscuit24]

You are right that I don’t trust my own judgement at all. I constantly question myself every time I see him or hear from him. It’s ok if I have distance. And yes we were walking on eggshells though it didn’t become really obvious until after he wasn’t there.

No you’re right I would never continue something which scared the kids. I did end it partly because I felt they were adapting their behaviour in the end.

I just struggle to accept he intentionally treated me badly. If I ever said anything he’d cry and say he didn’t realise he was scaring me/ being rude etc. And there was always a reason- followed by an apology. E.g (detail removed by moderator) and up still feeling in the wrong somehow.

And that he (detail removed by moderator) things because he was so upset by what I’d said/ frustrated not to scare me.

Some friends have said he was always putting me down but they just thought it was our jokey relationship dynamic so didn’t say anything. Though they wouldn’t like it. Thing is I never even noticed.

I know the guilt and self blame isn’t rational really- I hope I can figure it out with the counsellor. I haven’t felt any anger towards him at all bizarrely but if he was with my friend I’d hate him.

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to me xxxx

[teaandbiscuit24]

He closes down in any discussion, feels attacked. Just blanks me or if I persist hits or kicks stuff/ hurts himself in front of me. Put his (detail removed by moderator) through a (detail removed by moderator) once after I (detail removed by moderator) because the kids were scared. I should have left it though rather than provoke him. Has thrown soft objects at me if I say/ do something stupid, occasional shoves but says they were jokes. Swears and snaps if he feels criticised in any way.

It’s just the look he gets when he’s getting angry- it’s like a different person and I find it intimidating when he paces and gets agitated. But I think this is all mental health not directed at me? He can be angry when driving and in some other situations though not normally in front of other people. I just find it unsettling.

He’s fine when he’s happy and when the kids are behaving etc.

[teaandbiscuit24]

There is no one else to supervise contact and I think it’s important for the chn to see him. Plus he’s not doing anything wrong so I’d feel irrational and unreasonable if I said he had to sort something or not see them tbh.

How do you know if the patterns are just their form of denial/ mental health struggle or deliberate to affect you though?

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou so much @minimeerkat.
When he came to see the kids (detail removed by moderator) he was trying to convince me to get back together again. Saying we were both suffering with our mental health and did I think that had influenced my decision. He’s far more tolerant than (detail removed by moderator), they wouldn’t think anything of what he’s like, I’m too soft with the kids, not supportive just judgemental. Everything he does is for us. If he was a monster then why would he have agreed to move out etc. ( But he thinks it’s temporary and I thought that was why he agreed?)

Now I find myself second guessing if it was me all along as I’m still not right now and shouldn’t I be happy?

He was telling me his family thinks I’ve over reacted to things.He has been fine since the (detail removed by moderator) a few weeks ago. Now being really reasonable, compliments etc. Like a different man.

Though he does get annoyed everytime I mention sorting anything practical like the fact I’ve changed (detail removed by moderator). How just how do you know if it’s them/ you/ both of you? I swing between to thinking I’ve messed it up for nothing as I’m still not happy- to thinking it will be better when things are more settled.

I wish someone could just look and tell me. Because what if my version is misleading/ unfair?

[teaandbiscuit24]

Camel says what my counsellor says! But I understand your approach Galabeee as that’s how I think too. I find that my gut/ body can be telling me to stay/ get away whilst my rational brain is telling me there’s nothing to worry about etc. I understand you are meant to trust your gut as there is a reason for the reaction. Also, my original plan was to leave when the kids left- which would have been wrong. They need a healthy relationship modelling to them.

Stuff won’t ever be bad enough with the boiling frog approach…. I argued strongly that it was only a cushion when explaining him hitting me with it for saying something stupid. The point was he was angry not how harmful the object was she said. And the lack of respect.

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou @nbumblebee. Unfortunately I feel like delving into the past has topped me over the edge a bit- I’m getting worse not better and feel like I’m heading for a nervous breakdown. Everything seems overwhelming, I’ve been doing a day at a time for weeks but other stuff just piles up and I’m so so done. Work is relentless and will expect me to pick up soon but think I’m getting worse.

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