Lottieblue

[Lottieblue]

I’m the same as @wildandfree. Left a few years ago and have just turned a corner. It’s been really hard work, but so worth it! I haven’t seen my abuser since the day I walked out. This has been the absolute best thing to do. Even with no contact, for a long time I felt that he had all the power, all the control. Now I feel he has none.

My biggest piece of advice is to seek and take every piece of support you can get. Friends, family, professionals. It’s that which will get you through. But you will get through. I promise. Just hang on in there. xxx

[Lottieblue]

Just wanted to send a hug your way.
Lisa’s response is well worded.
I’m so sorry you are going through all this.
We’re all here for you.
That was horrible and very wrong.
xxx

[Lottieblue]

You should do whatever feels right for you!
It’s also been a few years for me and at no point have I wanted to be with anyone or dip my toe into any kind of dating.
Recently I met someone through an activity I do every week and something has started, but we’re keeping it under wraps for various reasons and he’s happy with that. Im so cautious though, but it’s about me not him. There are so many triggers and the trauma very much still lingers. I have come such a long way, and I have to say the boost to my self esteem has been mega, but there’s still a way to go, and I’m not even sure that I’ll ever arrive. But for the moment things are quite nice.

My advice would be, absolutely don’t go looking for it if you don’t want to. It will happen when… if ever… you are.

[Lottieblue]

My Goodness, you have all been so eloquent on this thread, you have described so well what it’s like.

@roadtohealing it was so exactly the same for me. Everything you describe was how it was for me. By the time my youngest was leaving home my anxiety levels went through the roof as I just didn’t know how I was going to carry on living. Like you, I had lost all capacity even to have a conversation with friends.
I left. It was massive. It was terrifying. But I realised that my kids were going to stop coming home. It’s one thing when they have term-times, it’s the sort of default position. But as they grow they have more choice. And I couldn’t bear the thought that my husband’s behaviour was going to keep me apart from my kids. That was my main impetus. That and thinking… it could be another 30 years of this… maybe more… I’d rather die, frankly.
I’m still trying to recover. From the trauma. From the stigma. I went no contact, completely. To outsiders this looks incredibly cruel but I know that it was the only way.
I had a lot of support when I left – I reached out in every direction. Recently I have had to reach out again as my mental health has plummeted. But I haven’t, for one moment since I left, regretted it. I have agonised, soul searched, gone over and over the what-if’s, but I haven’t regretted it. I feel so sad sometimes for what I think I’ve lost, but then I realise that I’m sad for what I never had. That happy family life.
Please feel free if you would like to DM me. xxx

[Lottieblue]

This is perfectly normal abuser behaviour. Google Cycle of Abuse.
About a year before I actually left, I had an incident where I finally knew that things were never going to change, and that I would, eventually, leave him. In the intervening year, things went up and down, not drastically so, but I started to get stuff sorted. I knew that I needed to be ready for when the moment came, when I would have that fire in my belly. I knew I would never leave while he was being nice, so I had to be ready to do it when he wasn’t.

The feelings you are going through are so, so normal. Is it me? Can I ride the rough times in order to enjoy the good times in between?

The questions I urge you to ask are: can I live like this for another 30/40/50 years? Will it get better or worse once the kids have grown up and left? If I stay for another 10 years, will I still have the strength to leave – and if I do, I’ll have wasted those 10 years just waiting.

I don’t intend to persuade you to do something that’s not right for you. But what’s stopping you from leaving at the moment is the trauma bond. Read, read, read. He doesn’t get to pick and choose whether he’s nice to you or not. I am still trying to get my head round my husband’s behaviour. But I can tell you one thing unequivocally… no matter how much soul-searching I have done since leaving, I have not once regretted it.

[Lottieblue]

This is truly wonderful news – well done!!
Good luck with everything going forward – and remember we’re all still here for you if things become sticky
xxx

[Lottieblue]

Well done you! And thank you for coming back here to post – it’s so very important for new members of the forum to have hope from hearing the stories of people like you.
We are all amazing, strong women, all of us, and we can make change, and we can give ourselves a happier future. Just each of us in our own time. But we can do it.
xxx

[Lottieblue]

I just want to throw my support into this thread. It’s actually a little bit triggering as you are all feeling exactly how I felt.
Leaving isn’t easy. It takes an enormous amount of strength. And it takes a long, long time to recover. I know because I’m not even nearly there and it’s been years since I left.
But the thing that I have is hope. I don’t care how tough things are now and in the future, because I’ve got away from him. Build up your support. Lean on people. It is like jumping off a cliff but you will be caught, and you will have a future free from abuse. Nothing else matters, as long as you and those dear to you are safe.

[Lottieblue]

If you were to drop a frog into boiling water it would jump out. If you put a frog into cold water and then just gradually turn the heat up, it won’t notice, and will eventually boil to death.
This is what has happened to you – your water is boiling but you have no idea when the heat was turned up or when it got to that point.
Another book that I have found hugely useful is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It describes so well what you are going through and helps you to understand how you got here. It doesn’t matter if you just find bits that strike home or read a paragraph at a time – it will all help you to build up your strength and the courage of your convictions.

Like you, I tried to have conversations, and like you they were utterly futile. Time and time again, people on this forum told me to leave without telling him and then to go no contact. I kept insisting that there had to be another way – why would I not act like the reasonable person that I am? But eventually I realised they were right. So that’s what I did. It was complete self-preservation… I was so broken. It’s a really difficult point to get to, realising that that’s the only way. But the bottom line is, you cannot win. He is never going to say “yes, I see, you’re right, you need to leave”.
It’s Hell. It is incredibly difficult to do and it takes a monumental amount of strength, but you can do it, like I did. What are the options? Living like this for the rest of your life? The rest of your life.
Because he’s not going to change.

[Lottieblue]

Hello Galabeee and welcome!

Because your post has been moderated for your protection, there is some detail missing, but I can tell you that my story is exactly the same – except I’m a bit ahead of you! I have been out for a while now (believe me, the route to recovery is not yet over but I now have hope…), having been married for multiple decades and have young adults kids.

You describe your situation brilliantly. I can literally nod at everything as I read it.
I, also, lost myself, and it was then that I knew I had to leave. I didn’t leave then and there – is it ever that simple? But I knew I couldn’t stay. I had stopped functioning as a person, I felt like a shell. So I just worked quietly away at getting my ducks in a row and building up the support I knew I was going to need if I was going to manage to do it. 80% of that support came from this forum, and I also had a lot of contact with my local WA and spoke to a lawyer to make sure that I knew where I stood. Sorted out finances, made sure I had somewhere to go, gathered the documents that mattered etc.
And then I waited. I waited for what I knew would come eventually. The tipping point. The ultimate explosion of rage, when I flicked my V’s. He stormed out, as always, and I left. And I felt that most massive sense of relief and peace. I knew that he would never be able to do that to me again.

Have you read the books that are recommended on here, specifically Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” and Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? It sounds like you know that his behaviour is abuse, and you know that you want to (and will) leave. What is confusing – for all of us – is how we feel when they are being nice, how we cling on to these moments and ask ourselves has it finished, is it going to be different?

The answer is no.

There is so much more I could say to you, especially re his behaviour since I left, but it’s too detailed for here. Please feel free to make contact with me through PM if you would like to chat more. I’d be really happy to share how it all happened.

Stay strong – we’re all here for you xxx

[Lottieblue]

I strongly suggest that you speak to your local Women’s Aid, as they will have knowledge that’s pertinent to you. In particular, they might well be able to guide you towards specific solicitors who have really good DA experience. Looking back at when I was at that stage, I still feel amazed by the support that my local WA were able to give me, just in terms of knowing my rights, knowing what the options were, reassuring me that they were absolutely there for me, and also they gave me the telephone numbers of three different solicitors and the one I consulted was amazing. I’m not using her for my divorce, but I barely needed to tell her what my life was like, she just knew.

Good luck xxx

[Lottieblue]

I was awake last night until 3.30 and today I am exhausted and teary. I hate to turn the late off and try to sleep as the noise inside my head is deafening. I thought I was recovering slowly and then had a huge setback – discovered that good friends of mine, who I’m due to meet up with soon, are entertaining my ex (detail removed by Moderator). So it gets me going back over everything again, trying to figure out how to get myself heard, seen… how he is able to suck everyone in so successfully. How I face up to these people – if they still want to breathe the same air as him then we are not on the same page and yet they are supposed to be my friends.
And I spiral. I think to myself I don’t want to do this any more. And I turn the light back on and distract myself in order to banish the utter despair and hopelessness that shout so loud at me in the dark and the loneliness.

[Lottieblue]

I would. I would trust your gut.
That’s not to say I think you should. But I would.
Xxxx

[Lottieblue]

Hi –
I know it’s difficult as we can’t give too much detail on here, but were your kids already adults when you left?
I also want to ask you how long it’s been, but that’s a detail you can’t give.
My own kids were all young adults when I left their father. One has punished me terribly (with silence), the others get it completely.
Please DM me if you’d like to discuss. It’s a horrible worry. I just told myself I was playing the long game, it wouldn’t happen overnight, but they’d eventually understand.
The main thing is that you let them know they have your unconditional love.
xxx

[Lottieblue]

“created an environment of intimidation”
Yes.
It was just that.
It was “everything will be fine as long as no-one crosses me”.
Leaving him was standing up to him. Remaining no contact is standing up to him. Refusing to take his BS as we navigate this never-ending divorce is standing up to him.
“That is not how you treat someone you love”
I sometimes likened myself to a dog. I was shown love and affection when he was in the right frame of mind, but on his terms and his timing. When it didn’t suit him, a dog would be expected to retreat to its bed and stay there until it was bidden.
I wasn’t allowed an opinion, to express my needs or my wants, and if I did, I would be met with cruelty and derision.

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