Moonlit Night

[Moonlit Night]

From a mental health perspective you could view it as a positive that he is reaching out to others and sharing his emotional pain rather than silently contemplating suicidal thoughts.

If this is meant to ensnare you in a feelings of guilt and obligation, if it’s said when his needs aren’t being met and they have a ‘condition, – ie. if you do x I will/won’t.. this feels like it’s said with less intent, as a form of emotional abuse – with him in victim mode with you as the persecutor.

His choice to live, or live differently, belongs with him, not you.

[Moonlit Night]

Disassociating is a survival strategy; it’s a trauma response so, yes, it’s positive in that it’s you brains way to help protect you from a highly negative reality.

It’s a way of disconnecting yourself, to not allow information to join up about your environment, to help you cope with irreconcilable conflict and cognitive dissonance.

Whilst it’s a perfectly normal response to trauma it also means that you’re not safe.

[Moonlit Night]

Awww… that is hard to hear. From an SS point of view it is positive that you acknowledge the impact on the children and are seeking help. Glad to hear you are having therapy – it’s coping that feels important now rather than healing.

Improving your emotional state will take time, working with SS is traumatic in itself. And waiting for your ex’s reaction – of course you’re low. So stressful.

I’m wondering if your children have mental health support too. In some areas there is specific DV support for impacted children or ask the school to provide emotional support if they haven’t already.

Your children need to be safe from DA, as do you. And that will create some sadness in the process. Talking to them about emotions now (and in the future) will help so they can understand and acknowledge yours, and their own, feelings.

[Moonlit Night]

It’s quoting (well, misquoting) the therapist to meet his own needs.

His therapy will be about him, his frame of reference and his lived experience, not based on your responses.

Nonsense!
MLN x

[Moonlit Night]

Oh, Sparkle Wand. That’s sounds difficult.

You weren’t his rock, you were his victim.

You are not responsible for his mental health.

He’s unable to be a friend as that requires empathy and mutuality.

Agree, yes – he is being selfish.

Well done you!

[Moonlit Night]

Thanks for your replies. I am trying to be my normal proactive self, have ordered the above mentioned book as had several recommendations now and registered with Bloom, been journaling too.

I so hate feeling addicted, it feels so irrational – hate the loss of control over my thoughts; find revisiting my journal grounding and reaching out to others when I feel alone.

Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I’m not.

[Moonlit Night]

Thank you both, this was my first (and last) intimate abusive relationship. Shocked it happened to me in middle age, though I’m beginning to make sense of it.

Weird too how it was all so textbook when I read about narc abuse – blows my mind!

[Moonlit Night]

They need to talk to him but, my goodness, how terrifying this is for you, how can you not be fearful of his reaction!?

If you can accept it this will help with your anxiety levels, though it’s normal to feel anxious – this is massive! I’m hoping you have some coping mechanisms for stress to self soothe.

This is the start of the change that you need.

[Moonlit Night]

As you’re in assessment, it means just that – they are assessing the situation, much is unknown at present.

In my local authority it’s 9 weeks for a full child and family assessment.

[Moonlit Night]

It sounds scary, I know, but you are safer now that this is out in the open.

Do you have a DA worker who can advocate for you?

You should have support if you want and need him to leave. The social worker will talk to him. Many men are advised (not ordered) to leave in order to safeguard the children, and do. I guess it depends on the status of your relationship. Some women refuse this and insist they stay.

SS will always want the child to remain with the safer parent so you need to be safe, so ensure you express your fears to the social worker. Get the advice and support you need.

I know it feels scary but you have done the right thing.

[Moonlit Night]

To be honest not many perpetrators complete the available courses as they don’t want to be considered the perpetrator and they can’t be forced to.

Some do as they want to learn new behaviours … also some complete it as they want it to be documented they they are working towards meaningful change. SS (and any judge) would look favourably at this.

SS can suggest he leaves, suggest you ask him to in order to safeguard the children from witnessing domestic abuse. He doesn’t ‘have’ to.

SS want meaningful change, so as they assess and talk to the children change becomes apparent, or not. Unless he is deemed as a significant risk living there.

What status are you? Assessment, child protection, child in need?

[Moonlit Night]

Maybe they were just people that he talked at, were in a room with, rather than friends which would need some level of give/take, mutuality, etc that he may not be capable of maintaining.

Talking of friends that you don’t know about/don’t entirely exist may make him feel/appear more functional, that he has more than just you.

When he’s says told them about x you this may be to validate his own distorted frame of reference so suit his own narrative so he doesn’t have to take responsibility.. and they may back it up as he could make you sound outrageous and him calm and rational in the scenario.

Sounds like he’s protecting himself because he needs to ..

[Moonlit Night]

He’s not angry because of you; he’s angry despite of you – his emotions are his responsibility.

Does he need to admit he is angry for it to be true? I’m wondering if yoUr mum knew the truth if that would change her perspective so she could be a support to you.

I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to do something – go to the GP. It’s Ok to say no. If he won’t go without you he’s still not taking responsibility for himself and his reactions.

You say you don’t want to live like this. There is always another way however scary it may be.

[Moonlit Night]

This constant need of validation is needed to feed his fragile ego. It’s a hungry beast – exhausting!

I love the analogy from the Wizard of Oz – the man behind the curtain. He’s revealing his excessive reliance on conditional self-esteem coming from others adoration of his grandiose public performance , his real self fears your abandonment.

[Moonlit Night]

Engage with your authentic anger; this isn’t ‘nice’ behaviour – it’s tactical/abusive, all part of the illusion of him.

He’s in rescuer mode – performing a fake identity that reels you in when he knows you’re disconnecting.

I can so relate – this creation of uncertainty – maybe he can different?Instead be certain that he can’t because this ‘nice’ person doesn’t even exist.

MNx

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