NewAmsterdam

[NewAmsterdam]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. I am going through the same thing at the moment. I feel I’m stuck. Therapy does help, so I hope you manage to restart that. I have also learnt that my friends don’t mind listening, even though I feel like I am saying the same thing again and again. I’m feeling worse than a year ago but we need to keep going. It will be worth it. Sending lots of love 💕

[NewAmsterdam]

I am forever told “I am just joking” or telling the kids “look your mum is no fun” when I don’t laugh at the jokes at my expense.

[NewAmsterdam]

Hi Awayfromhome,
Well done for speaking to your GP. That is a massive step!
Your post really spoke to me, as I am in a similar position and was only today thinking about Christmas. I am planning on leaving in the next couple of weeks and my heart is breaking for my kids and for all the Christmas traditions we will lose. BUT I keep reminding myself why I am doing this.
You are being brave for yourself and your children. They will still have a great Christmas, it will just be different. I’m planning on starting new traditions and keeping busy if they are with their dad. Here if you need to talk. X

[NewAmsterdam]

@wants to help
Thank you for that. Yes I think that will have to be the plan. I did actually speak to the children about it and they had such good insight and want another home. Just like me they are people pleasers and don’t want to upset their dad. I just hope that they will see that life is better and calmer without their dad. I’m just scared of him manipulating them. He’s good at that 🙁

@afterthestorm
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I still live my husband and he is in lovebombing mode since realising that I’m looking for a place to live. My kids are also older so can make up their own mind. I just hope they will not be blindsided by their dad.
Our finances are so entangled but I have at last managed to get half of our savings into my account which gives me a little security.
I applied for a rental property but was rejected because of my low income. I’ve asked them to reconsider and take my benefits into account 🙏
Have you got a timeframe for leaving? I’m so anxious even thinking about him knowing that I’m leaving for good.

[NewAmsterdam]

Afterthestorm,
Sorry to hear you are in the same situation. I have now applied for a house and they are currently assessing whether they will accept despite my lower income.
Are you loving with your ex right now? I’m didn’t know whether I could already apply for UC, as we are receiving Tax Credits at the moment. I think I need to wait till I move. I have some savings to help me through the first few months.

My ex manipulating my kids into not staying with me is my biggest fear 🙁

All this is scary. I really want the house but have no idea how to tell him or whether to tell him?

I hope you find a house soon.

NewAmsterdam

[NewAmsterdam]

Also. What I don’t understand. He clearly hates me, the way he’s treating me. Why won’t he seperate. I would never stop him seeing the kids. I’d love this to be amicable. I really don’t understand.

[NewAmsterdam]

Wow. Thank you so much for the replies. I had a difficult morning already. He drank last night, which I thought he would, and was in a mood this morning. I try to just get on with it by just focusing on the kid’s, getting them ready etc but it’s like walking in eggshells. I don’t even dare look at him because I’m scared.

I tried to ring national and local WA today but didn’t get through to either 🙁

IWMB – I’m starting a journal today. So many things have happened over the years, I wish I started one sooner.

Ftc – My kids are my world and he knows this. He would do anything to keep them from, I have no doubt. I’m scared of me starting this and loosing them 🙁

Thank you again.

[NewAmsterdam]

Hi AS,

Thank you so much for your reply. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to but had to reach out today. There are so many days like this. My husband knows how to hurt me and how to make me doubt myself. And it works everytime 🙁

I tried to ring WA a couple of times last monthin the past but never got through and before I knew it u just gave up and retreated into this dark place that is my marriage. I jyst resign to it.

He made it clear that if I leave, I won’t get the children. He knows I’d never leave without them. I feel so trapped.

[NewAmsterdam]

Diymum. I tried ringing wa yesterday and today but didn’t get through. I left a message but no one rang back 🙁
I feel myself losing the courage to do anything.

I had mental health problems many years ago which I’m frightened he will use against me same as my physical health. I just think he could say anything and people would believe him.

I just wonder whether it is easier to shut up and carry on until the kids are older 🙁

[NewAmsterdam]

Thank you for the reply, it feels so good but strange to be able to write this down and that people listen.

I feel really nervous about going to the gp. What if they don’t believe me? ANd there is never really any witnesses. He is good at being a great husband when he is around others. His parents know he shouts a lot.

I am really nervous about taking this further. He has so much to use against me. We rely a lot on his family for childcare and I have a physical disability.

I wish people would see the man I see 🙁 the one who punches walls, intimidates me, pressures me into sex, drives erratically whenever he is mad at me in order to frighten me, and who still manages to make me feel like it is all my fault and come grovelling back.

He’s been nice today and usually I am so relieved I just fall straight back into the pattern. But right now I’m trying really hard to remember all the tears just a couple of days ago.

[NewAmsterdam]

Thank you maddog.
I was just about to add that the aggression is actually worse when he doesn’t drink. So I know him going sober might not even change that. When he drinks he is more manic and I have no idea what he’s gonna do next.
He was very nice (detail removed by moderator) after having left me crying all day the day before. He made me dinner (detail removed by moderator)  saying “hope you sorted yourself out. I’m always left feeling so guilty 🙁

[NewAmsterdam]

I’m going through the same right now 😞 He’s in the family home playing perfect dad, doing things he has never done before. My kids are loving it and I should be happy for them, but I’m so angry at him.

I hope you have a peaceful Christmas. We can do this.

[NewAmsterdam]

Thank you Stronglife. That is good advice. He goes from being vile to being extra nice and sounding reasonable in messages. Makes me question my sanity 😔

[NewAmsterdam]

Thank you Bananaboat. It’s so hard being the consistent parent. I am so scared of losing my children after finally being free from my ex 😞

I’m actually so exhausted right now. I feel like quitting. Christmas is around the corner and I’m feeling so low.
I feel like my kids might just be better off with him and not me around 😢

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