NotCrazy

[NotCrazy]

Thanks Walker (I love the name, especially if it’s in reference to The Walking Dead!).
I did go back and I have a car full of bin bags now outside the b&b!!
Luckily he was at work but thank you for the warning.
I am really struggling to not respond to him he keeps begging me to go back home and meet him there after he finishes work.
I really miss him actually. I can’t understand it he has been so nasty but I still love him so much!!

[NotCrazy]

Thanks so much KIP for your helpful response it means a lot to me.
I am really struggling not to respond. I will block his number but my only worry was that he won’t go to work and will be there when I turn up. I am still getting constant messages from him and think that he will let me know when he has to leave for work.
I think that you are right about the leaving evidence thing. He never texts or messages me anything abusuve either. It is all verbal. So I have no evidence at all only what’s in my head which he says I make up anyway.

[NotCrazy]

Hi MamaMia 🙂
I have not left yet either, like you I don’t feel strong enough.
The problem is that as time goes on you feel weaker and weaker. The only way this is going to get better is by leaving 🙁
Do you have any friends or family you can talk to or stay with, even temporarily, to help you to see the situation from a distance – This may help you to get some perspective xx

[NotCrazy]

Hi MamaMia 🙂
It took me 3 years to build up the courage to ring the helpline. If you are struggling to verbalise what you are experiencing perhaps continue to post on here and email Womens Aid on helpline@womensaid.org.uk
Please don’t feel as though you are doing anything wrong by talking about what is happening to you. You are totally right to seek help and support.
Here is the link to find local services. Some services offer email and text support if you struggle to talk on the phone 🙂 https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
xx

[NotCrazy]

Hi MamaMia 🙂
Well done for posting on here. It is a big step to take admitting to yourself and others that your relationship is abusive.
I can relate to what your saying about still loving him and being concerned about your children. Just think of how much better you and your childrens lives could be without him being in it. The things you could do toegther and places you could go together to rebuild your lives without him.
It sounds like you are in a very dangerous situation and your children will be much safer away from him.
Just be discreet and careful about planning to leave as this can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, especially as yours is physically abusive.
I would strongly encourage you to ring the Womens Aid helpline. It took me a lot longer than it should have to build up the courage to ring them. They can put you in contact with your local domestic abuse service who you can then make a safety plan with and make arrangements to leave the relationship with support.
Keep us posted 🙂

[NotCrazy]

Hi Woodys and Hannah 🙂
I just wanted to say, it took me over 3 years to pluck up the courage to phone the helpline, I am in a solely emotionally abusive, controlling relationship, not physical.
When I rang they didnt make me feel that things were ‘not bad enough’ at all, they listened and signposted me to my local domestic abuse service. It was really useful and they validated my experience.
So please don’t feel that things are ‘not bad enough’. They are there to provide emotional as well as practical support.
Hannah I can totally relate to the ‘it must be me’ feeling. The helpline can help you to work things out but there is a cycle of abuse and sometimes abusers can be loving and confuse us! Being isolated as you and I are doesn’t help either as you have no-one to talk things through with.
Woodys, womens aid and your local domestic abuse service can help you to move on from the relationship and build your self confidence back up. They run programmes such as the Freedom programme which is for women in abusive relationships as well as those that have recently ended. It just helps to make sense of it all.

[NotCrazy]

It makes you feel sad doesn’t it from all you have missed out on being in that relationship 🙁
Mine is the same, I love to go out for meals, drinks, walks etc but he never wants to.
Last weekend I went to the beach with my daughters, without him, and had the most wonderful day 🙂
Perhaps go out with a friend or family member to a beer garden, distance yourself emotionally and things start to look so much clearer. You can have good days without him 🙂

[NotCrazy]

I am so sorry that you are going through this 🙁
You are totally right, you can’t reason with a man like that!
I think it is a pattern of most / all abusers that they try to put the blame back on you, saying you need to ‘be less angry and forgive him’. Mine tells me I focus on the negative all the time and all I want is drama, when he is the most negative and dramatic person I have ever met, at least to me not to all the other women 🙁
A technique I read about if no contact is not a viable option at the moment (although it is clearly the best option) is the ‘Gray rock method’. I will post a link below but if links are not allowed then just google it and it will come up 🙂
http://narcissistsupport.com/going-gray-rock/

[NotCrazy]

I love listening to music, it really helps get through those rubbish days 🙂

Katy Perry – By The Grace of God

Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved

Also, Alanis Morisette, That I would be good

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

and Taylor Swift, Dear John

Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps,
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind,
But I swore I was fine, you paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game,
But you changed the rules every day
Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone
Tonight, well I stopped picking up, and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home, I should’ve known

Well maybe it’s me and my blind optimism to blame
Maybe it’s you and your sick need to give love then take it away
And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand
And I’ll look back and regret how I ignored when they said “run as fast as you can”

(detail removed by Moderator)

[NotCrazy]

Thank you both for your responses, I think that I am just looking for confirmation that it is abuse I am experiencing and not all in my head like he says it is.

SilkyHalide, I completely relate to what you are saying in ‘we almost wish they would hit us to prove to ourselves and others we are not the crazy one’. I feel like if he ever lost control (he is always completely in control and smirking at me when I am upset and hysterical, as if his job is done by getting me to that point) and hit me I would at least be able to define it as abuse then and feel that I was deserving of the support.

[NotCrazy]

Hi,
I have been a member for a little while but have just plucked up the courage to post this.
I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and have been for several years.
When I first met my partner I thought he was amazing and everything I had ever dreamed of. I had been in an unhappy (but certainly not abusive) marriage for (removed by moderator) years and left my husband for him. I was promised a wonderful life together with meals out and holidays, which I had always wanted but never had. We have still not been on holiday together.
After a couple of months I found out that he had been meeting up with other women behind my back and inviting people round for sex while I was at work (I was commuting (removed by moderator) miles a day at this point).
When I found out about this (he left his phone on the table in front of me at a (removed by moderator) when a text message came through) he told me how crazy I was and how it was all in my head. He denies that this ever happened now.
I left him to go and stay with a friend soon after, he came to my work with a bunch of flowers and would not let me out of his sight, following me around all day in the car and driving with me to my friends house to get my belongings back.
He then criticized my friend who I do not see any more, criticised my work friends and accused me of sleeping with every man on my Facebook, criticised my family who I do not see any more to please him, basically isolated me from everyone.
Since then things have just got worse and worse.
Our sex life was amazing when we first met, he was sleeping with a lot of different women when we met however now he witholds sex and affection which makes me think that there must be someone else, or it is just a matter of time.
He flirts with other women constantly, looking them up and down while standing next to me and messaging them on Facebook.
He demands money from me as soon as I get paid.
He keeps me awake when I have work in the morning, or tells me he just wants to go to sleep and to shut up and leave him alone, then starts having a go at me again, then says he just wants to go to sleep when I respond.
He hides my car keys and physically restrains me if I try to leave.
Tells me I am crazy and need therapy, that I was loopy when I met him because I was on anti-depressants, and that he made me better.
He tells me I want drama all of the time and that I am negative, but he is the most dramatic and negative person I have ever met.
He smirks at me, speaks in a sing song voice or patronising tone, or gets right in my face and shouts at me.
He calls me fat and ‘boring and predictable’, I have two (removed by moderator) daughters who he also criticises constantly, although they only stay at weekends when I am there, during the week they are with their Dad.
He shows no empathy or compassion when I am upset. He never actually shows any emotion at all.
He says ‘love you’ all of the time as if it means anything to him, he never shows me any love.
It is the subtlety of the abuse which makes me feel like maybe it is all my fault. I have been recording him speak to me and writing things down as I find that I cannot remember what he has said and done, I feel like I dissociate in a way.
I want to leave and have sought support through online forums but have never rung womens aid, although I have the number saved on my phone. I feel that my situation is not severe enough to need practical support or a refuge place, but I have no money to stay anywhere and no family or friends to stay with.

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