Osie

[Osie]

Hi all. Hope you are all starting to feel a bit better today. The damage these men cause us to continue to abuse ourselves as we don’t need them to do it anymore as we do it to ourselves. It may be helpful to write down positive things about ourselves and when we have these low moments it is the positive statements we focus on not the abusive ones and see if it helps. We are good people who have been exposed to the bad we have the ability to remove them from our lives for those of us who have left and learn about the men we do not want in the future. Hope this helps

[Osie]

Hi Eve, what is the name of your medication. Headaches are quite common in the first few weeks of taking and then they wear off as you body gets used to the meds. Are you able to take the medication and use pain killers for the headaches for a couple of weeks and see how you go?

[Osie]

Hi. You can get free legal advice at http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk. Women’s aid can also do risk assessments that can be used in court. Good luck xx

[Osie]

Hi Snow. Firstly is it safe for you both to be under the same roof. The stress of the situation will definitely increase the risk. I really do feel you need to call the women’s aid helpline and get a safety plan in place. He is going to try everything possible to regain control in this situation and I am worried that the anger that is present could increase his risk towards you. Please call them and get some advice. Stay strong you will get there

[Osie]

Hi alone

I sense a lot of justified anger in your comments. You must feel exhausted. It sounds like you have posted elsewhere on the site with some background. The bully you refer to as the reason for demotion was he your ex as well.if so, this must be a nightmare for you. I have a lot of anger in me to, it’s the injustice of it all and then to end up with not just an emotional feeling of pain but physical pain seems to make matters worse. I have managed to reduce my nightmares by having a hot bath every night before bed and although I was never into reading books I have started. Just be careful what you read though. My PTSD is pretty bad to and I find if I can catch it before it is full flow with holding ice cubes in my hand it stops it straight away. It is the shock of the intense cold that keeps your mind focused on the here and now. Not sure if you are into keep fit but that may help to get rid of some of the adrenaline that is circulating in your body and help keep you calm. I hope this goes some way to help. It is times like this that we all pray for that magic wand.

[Osie]

you can access the course through women’s aid or if you search the freedom programme online they do an online version for £10 but you will miss out on the support of others. I have completed the course as both a victim and someone who works with victims and it was really invaluable. for the first time ever I realised I was a text book case and so was he and you will realise the same. just remember inciting anger is one of the techniques they also use to control as they can say you are the aggressor and the one with the problem. I two have found myself going from one to another believing I have chosen someone completely different so I have found myself refreshing my memory to ensure I do not make the same mistakes again. it is so nice to hear you taking back a bit of control by wanting to change this. just remember we can’t change others only ourselves so we have to detect the blighter’s quicker.

[Osie]

Hi

have you had a look at the website called hiddenhurt? it describes a perpetrator and a victim and gives you links to a website that supports the freedom programme recommended and run by women’s aid. You will probably be surprised that you will be believed if you speak out. it sounds like he has had a few failed relationships and they will have probably been through the same as you. I understand your fear though. the reality of your situation is that does others opinions of you really matter when life is so soul destroying for you. their belief of what is happening does not and will not change what he is doing or make you feel happy and content but you leaving and finding a better life with people surrounding you who do believe you, that do care for and consider your needs these are the people’s whose opinions count. Just remember you are not the one at fault, you have nothing to prove, you need to focus on getting the life you deserve, one with happiness and respect. don’t let him grind you down. we are all here for you and we 100% believe you and we don’t know you

[Osie]

You are not acting strangely hun, unfortunately you are a victim of domestic abuse. Everything you are feeling is normal for what you are going through. We love them so much we are so desperate for them to change and this is what keeps us there- hope. be kind to yourself. I thought I was going mad and I even spent 3 weeks shouting at everyone reinforcing everything he was saying about me but I have learnt that so many others do the same. you seem very kind hearted and wanted to help this man in what appears to be a time where he was suicidal. he took advantage of your kind nature, do not change for this man, remember this is his problem not yours

[Osie]

My first husband threatened suicide all the time. We all have choices, he can choose to get help or choose the suicide route. it’s interesting that he has survived them all. does he seek help as soon as he has done something? Just think this is about control he is using the suicide attempt history as emotional blackmail and the only thing he is worried and cannot cope with is the loss of control but that is not your problem.

I remember not feeling strong myself. after I exhausted every reason to stay I then left and never looked back. you will find the strength when the time is right. the fact that he is supportive of others but shouts at you, it demonstrates how much he is in control of what he is saying and doing. I was three years from when it all started before I left so I totally understand where you are at. the fact you are on here mind is a move towards that end goal. As for them changing, we can all change if we want to but it sounds like he has quite a history of this with other partners and is still busy playing the victim with his suicide attempts rather than wanting to change. I hope this is helping?

[Osie]

Hi

stay strong, you are coping really well. Just remember you have the information you need to leave when you are ready. Do you think your sister will want to come with you as it may be you can be a good source of support for each other?

[Osie]

Hi

This is not about you. You have done nothing wrong. I used to say I was ditsy, it is a coping mechanism as you try to understand why they are doing what they are doing to you. Sometimes we put ourselves down because they have said it enough so we believe it and other times it is about a way that we can feel a false sense of control in a situation where we have none. i.e. if we blame ourselves then we have the power to change the situation and therefore can make it better. The reality is, is this is normally false hope. trust your instincts, you have looked on here for a reason. this is not normal. think back to when you were a child and dreamed about being married etc, was this what you imagined life to be like or is this your nightmare? the thought of leaving is far more scary than it actually is but support from women’s aid and here really helps. please don’t change yourself for him and don’t let him keep knocking your confidence. try and stay away from the slimming pills as they will physically exhaust you and leave you with less energy to deal with the situation. Hope this helps, stay strong

[Osie]

Life just got a lot more unsafe. A social services report has been given to my ex describing the layout of my new home. I can’t sleep, eat or function. He has started filming calls me and my daughter have on the phone during times she is with him and has downloaded pictures of me and my daughter in our home from her phone on to his.

[Osie]

I was raped, sodomised and sexually assaulted for over 2 hours after my then husband returned from a night out with his brother, son and close friends. Whilst it was ongoing he was telling me this is what he wanted to have other men line up and do to me, that he wanted to watch and film and when he finished he said thanks. I blamed myself as I had just told him about my diagnosis and I thought he was not coping. I have lots of pictures where I am repeatedly reminded but cannot connect words to them. I am struggling to go to meetings in relation to our daughter as not only will he be there with other people, I do not know who these men are that he was thinking of or if he had any conversations with anyone but my name is shared with people at the meeting and if he has then they will know who I am. I know he was working with someone who used to go somewhere where this happened but he done the above after a night out with his brother, son and close friends. With him downloading recent videos of me in my home I am feeling really unsafe.

[Osie]

Hi all. Holding an ice cube in your hand can help with flash backs as does splashing cold water on your face. The shock of the cold water brings you back to reality very quickly.

[Osie]

Thank you all for your advice. I do feel like everything is in boxes in my head. I think fear is a big factor, fear of it happening again, fear of not being believed, fear that people will think your mad as this is a better alternative, fear of going mad by having to deal with it once you say it.

[Author]

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