positivelyempath

[positivelyempath]

fizzylem – that is so true ‘what I took into my adult relationships was to tolerate abuse’ I had the same from my mum and only realised through counselling when the counsellor was saying that I have likely gone for men that are familiar in some way to my dad, but I never met my dad so then I thought about my mum and then saw the similarities between her and my husband and everything started to make sense….I was controlled by her guilt tripping, physical aggression and manipulation my whole life until I left home at 19…and I still now would be if I let her….

Escapee….it is confusing….I have written posts on similar questions. However just remember if something does’t feel right or make you feel good then it isn’t right. Trust your feelings, you are not crazy and just because he can be nice and supportive it doesn’t mean he’s not a bad person. Even psycopath serial killers are nice – look at Ted Bundy. Otherwise they would never get a victim. Trust in yourself. Sending love xxx

[positivelyempath]

Thanks KIP, it’s just baffling! I don’t get the motivation? It’s just made me think how completely in sane he is…I didn’t say anything I was in shock!

[positivelyempath]

Thanks. Hope you has a good day. I escaped to my brothers with my daughter. However I got the weirdest present from my husband just before I left and I can’t understand the motivation… he gave me a photo album of (detail removed by moderator) pictures?!! It was so surreal… we’ve not been together for (detail removed by moderator) months now but still living together as cannot agree on custody of my daughter so going through courts… but what would make him think I would want those?!

Anyway hope you all have a nice Boxing Day and stay safe xxx

[positivelyempath]

So sad to read. Sending you love and strength and acknowledgement that I get what you mean. Even though they are aggressive/controlling etc we still miss parts of them. It’s so hard but just remember all the bad stuff – I keep a list for when I’m feeling like that. Once again sending you love and strength and a life filled with hope and happiness xxx

[positivelyempath]

Thanks ladies, your advice is invaluable…I think my daughter has high functioning autism, she is undiagnosed as she is so young but I’ve always had a feeling and I’m talking to the health visitor about it but they are a bit clueless and only really seem to understand traditional autism where they present with speech issues, no eye contact etc…. But anyway I think that is why she is clingy but YES I do also think she is hyper sensitive and perceptive and picks up on energies and intentions and gets that her dad is ok for fun stuff but wants mummy for the real life support as he has a serious lack of empathy.

Regarding the charities you mentioned, can I just contact any of them without a referral?

Don’t worry I won’t agree to the 50/50 …over my dead body…my poor baby sweet baby girl, I will not give up on her xxxx

Thanks again all of you, your support means the world xx

[positivelyempath]

KIP thanks for this post and for writing whats on my mind. I could really do without Christmas this year and feel bad for not being very ‘in the spirit’ but to be honest just want it over but need to make it special for my baby daughter who is only (detail removed by moderator) years old….but I keep feeling guilty that after christmas things are really going to kick off between me and her dad….thinking of all you amazingly strong ladies this christmas and all the best for us all in the new year xxx

[positivelyempath]

Thanks so much fizzylem really helpful.

So I did ask for an email of what access he wanted and basically it was a huge email reply saying 50/50 split and what an amazing dad he was…I replied and said I don’t believe that A 50/50 split is in the best interests of my daughter right now. So as it sounds like you are not going to compromise then we will go to mediation. I had my MIAM meeting this week and to be honest I don’t think it’s going to help as I know he won’t back down and neither will I (detail removed by moderator)

Part of me feels like just giving him the 50/50 to get him out my hair but when I see my daughters little face I know I have to fight for her so I know I’ve done everything I could.

I’m still living with him at the moment so difficult to change our current pattern but currently he only puts her to bed 1-2 nights at the moment anyway and I’d be open to letting him have her 1-2 nights a week plus some nursery pick ups.

[positivelyempath]

Thanks all. He’s very controlling and actually spends a lot of time with my daughter but she doesn’t want him, I have to encourage her towards him. She never wants him to put her to bed and usually if he’s looked after her she will have a complete breakdown on me after a few mins of being reunited with me. She often says things like, don’t want daddy to put me to bed, want daddy to stay at work etc and he’s even heard that. She’s never been keen on him and I’ve been the one to try and encourage their relationship. I regret that now.
But it would be difficult to get evidence about him as he’s very subtle, manipulative and has the best ‘nice man show’ ever!
Wish me luck! Thankyou x

[positivelyempath]

Oh my goodness you poor thing. Are you ok? Can they do anything? This is my worst fear. Sending love and strength xx

[positivelyempath]

OMG Starry that does sound very similar to me!
So (detail removed by moderator) I asked him to move out and basically he refused, says couldn’t afford it etc etc. Then when I said we have to move forward with selling the house etc he said, yes after xmas and I can get my friend who is an estate agent to do it….as if I’m going to let him do that and probably hide money…then he was going on about how we wouldn’t need solicitors and could just sort everything between us as wasn’t going to be complicated! Then told me he would be having our daughter 50%….
Also I found out this week that in (detail removed by moderator) he had named me on his business as (detail removed by moderator) and a (detail removed by moderator) ago apparently I ‘resigned’…..I didn’t know anything about any of this but he’s definitely up to something! He’s also been crying and saying his business is about to go under, he’s lost loads on his car that it on loan so can’t sell it etc and basically that he;s in a financial mess which is very odd as I know he’s very obsessed with money…I just don’t get him…
After all this I don’t know how I can stay in the house with him but also if I move out I realised he would then have control of selling the house and would probably do me over with the sale of that and get his friend to do it….I feel like I’m completely stuck. Especially as it’s christmas and no one wants houses until after xmas.
Also re occupation orders, based on my circumstances the womens aid worker didn’t seem to think I would get one…..
WELL AMD TRULY STUCK! Wish I had just taken house and gone!

[positivelyempath]

Yes thanks so much – I will make notes of everything and will be on guard…I know I’m taking a risk but I couldn’t live with myself if my daughter got taken from me or he got 50/50 or more…I feel I owe this to her. She’s on the spectrum too and I really worry about her accepting me in a new house if he was still there….Thanks so much for your support and I’ll keep you updated xxx

[positivelyempath]

Thanks so much thats really helpful – everyone who has commented. I have had a long chat with my solicitor again this morning and she has advised that based on my husbands behaviour/character/ likely aspergers/narcissist so very manipulative/calculated etc we need to try and get him out the house….so I;m going to ask him one last time and if he says no she will write to him and then if he still doesn’t go we apply for an occupation order while we sort out the finances. That way I’m not up routing my daughter or giving him any chance to manipulate the situation so that it looks like I’m the bad person etc….It might be a few more months before I can move on with my life but I’ve done (detail removed by moderator) so what is a few months…. I really don’t think he will get physically aggressive now as he’s too worried what others will think…but if he did I would have no hesitation in calling the police…Thanks for all your support, every situation is complex and while the local womens aid worker said I shouldn’t worry about the 50/50 access I can’t make myself OK with it so I will do anything I can for him not to get that….x

[positivelyempath]

Thanks both, that’s so helpful. I’ve been advised today that I shouldn’t leave the family home and should press ahead with sorting finances etc while still in there because if my husband stays in the house and I leave my daughter may not want to come back to me when she visits as sees that house as her home… also told that it could be seen as abandonment of family home… so confused!

[positivelyempath]

Thanks Cecile, thats really helpful. the problem is that he hasn’t ever done anything substantial to my daughter, it’s all coercive controlling behaviours and bit of aggression towards me. He looks like father of the year to his friends and family as posts pictures on facebook everytime they leave the house….I know he is so clever and calculated he will end up probably getting her taken off me….I’m so scared… If it was just me I would have gone long ago but my poor little girl needs me to put her to bed every night, needs me for any emotional support, is proper mummies girl…it’s so hard as I feel like by leaving I’ll be throwing her into the lions den….but should I or can I stay to protect her?

[positivelyempath]

Thanks Hetty, but because he has PR (parental responsibility) he has as much right to take her out of nursery as I do. Unless I go through the courts and agree an access order but even then he could still get 50/50…so hard 🙁

[positivelyempath]

Thanks both, diymum@1 – how old was your child when you left? How is she now? Does she see her dad? My husband is obsessed with seeing my daughter everyday and I can’t move far away due to my job so I don’t know how I can stop him seeing her as he would just get her from nursery etc if I stopped him….so horrible. Thats what keeps me thinking he could just take her and I couldn’t do anything. Not worth thinking about….worse thing is she is proper daddys girl in last few months so be asking about him all the time too 🙁

[positivelyempath]

Thanks KIP, I’m not planning on taking everything so he will still have half the stuff. I just need the basics to get by… I’ll keep you posted! I’m so nervous xx

[positivelyempath]

Omg I can completely relate to this, could have been written by me… I thought I was going mad too. Then I found a spy cam tracker in his coat pocket! I still feel like I’m under surveillance and not comfortable … anyone making you feel like this even if they didn’t have a camera on you, is just not worth it… sending love and be safe xxx

[positivelyempath]

Thanks Landy, really appreciate the support. I’m a mess at the moment, feel like I’ve hot rock bottom but there is a tiny light far up above…I am joint owner of the house with my husband but he won’t leave and I’m also convinced he’s bugged the house and has secret cameras etc so I wouldn’t feel safe even if he did go so I know it’s the only option really….Fingers crossed I can summon up the strength to do it x

[positivelyempath]

Thanks both, really appreciate it. I guess I could get the keys and gradually start moving in…is that what you mean? However he is meant to be away this weekend for the night and never normally is so it could be an opportunity to take some furniture and just tell him once I’ve gone….what do you think? I just don’t know if I could be that underhand but also don’t see why I shouldn’t be able to take stuff I’ve paid half for…I would only take the basics and my daughters things.

[positivelyempath]

Thanks Kip, sorry I never replied. I’m struggling still. I have to confirm today if I will take the house and can get keys Friday but I just can’t seem to do it….

[positivelyempath]

Thanks all for your messages, support and guidance. Your messages were just what I needed to get me back on track.

So I just paid a holding deposit on the house I saw this week. It’s not perfect but it will be safe and he won’t have a key!

We have counselling (detail removed by moderator) and I will tell him that we need to separate longer term and I’ll move out. My parents are staying from abroad until next week so at least I’ll have some support. I might even ask my parents to stay longer if they can so I have some support until I move… if he’s a nightmare I’ll have someone there or I can call the police.

Regarding my daughter once I move out I’ll get the legal process started to confirm access arrangements and selling the house etc.

I’m so nervous, anxious and feel
Sick but I know if I don’t take action in ten years time I’ll either have lost the plot or I’ll be dead from stress at this rate…

Thanks so much and I’ll keep you updated. Sending love to you all xxx

[positivelyempath]

@Hetty

Our situations sound very similar in that I think my husband also thinks that I’d be nothing without him… but I’m 150% done! Sending love x

[positivelyempath]

@queenmaeve
Sorry just read this. So sorry to hear you are having such a stressful time. It sounds like you need to go ‘no contact’ to protect your heart and soul. This person is toxic and disordered. He won’t change. Save your energy my love. Take care xxxx

[positivelyempath]

KIP thanks so much and yes your right I feel like I can see what he’s been doing all along… I need to plan a safe exit and I did feel like I should be able to tell him but I no longer think that’s an option.(detail removed by moderator)? I’m feeling really anxious and scared (detail removed by moderator)… I just want him to go away … I can’t bear him. Also his parents live locally and they want to see my daughter constantly and they usually look after her (detail removed by moderator)…. god I’m just exhausted by it all

[positivelyempath]

HopeLifeJoy

Thanks you make some great points. I can’t block him though as he’s still living in the house just moved out for (detail removed by moderator) weeks and we have a daughter that he’s currently seeing (detail removed by moderator) as was only way I could get him out the house… I need to move out and get away and start divorce proceedings but I’m trying to sort accommodation and also I’m being assigned a DV worker to help me plan a safe exit. How did you get away?

(detail removed by moderator) X

[positivelyempath]

So I can imagine he will be here constantly but at least my mum be here. However my mum doesn’t get how it is and only sees the lovely charming version and sure she thinks I’m being over dramatic and she also manages to guilt trip me so it could be a difficult week!

[positivelyempath]

Thanks both, they aren’t abusive but more manipulative and subtle and guilt tripping. They are always well planned out and sound quite condescending and like he’s my dad or something… he’s begrudgingly agreed to stay out and my mum is coming over to stay (detail removed by moderator) tomorrow. However in his rambling message he was going on about how he would need to come back to the house more even if he wasn’t staying there as he misses (detail removed by moderator) terribly (detail removed by moderator)!! He also said he needs to come back to (detail removed by moderator)!!! Wtf!!! He’s obsessed with (detail removed by moderator)!

[positivelyempath]

mummygirz – i have exactly the same! My husband would also say things like ‘you can’t wear that top if your not wanting sex with me’ and I’d feel really self conscious. Plus he would always insist on trying to have sex with me just as I had got ready to go out when I didn’t want to get hot and sweaty…so annoying. The last thing that happened was when he wouldn’t take no for an answer and followed me into the room I’d walked off into after saying no a few times, touching himself and lunging towards me, i literally had to push him off me and shut the door….that was my turning point! I feel like he’s put me off sex for life.

[positivelyempath]

Helloeveryone – I just rad your post and it could have been written by me a few months ago…I also felt that I suddenly snapped and could see how wrong it had all been but pre having my daughter I was just swept up in it all as of course he had got inside my head and is manipulative. It’s so hard not to doubt yourself and I even went to several counselors and wanted them to verify that it was actually a reason to want to leave and I wasn’t going mad. I think this is because my husband always minimised everything too so it made me question it all. Also look at ‘cognitive dissonance’ that explains a lot. Definitely call Womens aid because they will be able to listen to your experience and validate it. sending love and strength – you will be OK xxx

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