Prisoner

[Prisoner]

I am sorry I’m letting you all down. I can’t cope I can’t do it. I know he’s dead but i still keep expecting him to turn up. Everytime i close my eyes i see him see him raping me beating me. I can’t do it anymore i am sorry.

[Prisoner]

I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve spent another day in bed. I don’t know what i used to enjoy before him i just want to give up. he’s destroyed me. and now i’m destroying my parents whats the point in life

[Prisoner]

Lisa i wish it had been me he had kikked and not himself. He would have coped so much better, he alwaysbwas the strong one. He always said i was unstable. I ruined his life, his job was his life, i took that from him, do you think he would have been dismissed? He was probably very different at work, i annoyed him made him angry. I didn’t do things right didnt answer the phone quick enough didn’t wantbsex ofton enough i was emotional and unstable, as I’m proving now. I ruined his life and now I’m ruining my parents lifes. They have had to removebthe phones from upstairs, if i go down they have to unplug it. They’re now not allowed to leave me in the house alone and they have to give me my medication I’m not allowed it. (they agreed to this to keep me at home) I don’t even know what tablets i take anymore. I cant make a decission for myself i try but my dad has the power to over rule it and to be fair i just let him do it. I’m letting evryone down. I ket my husband down i couldn’t even go to his funeral whats the point.

[Prisoner]

A lovely lady has been around a few times kip I believe she is from womens aid. His job was his world I believe fear of loosing that would have played a part in his suicide, if I hadn’t have reported him that wouldn’t have been a possibility, I don’t even know if it was a possibility but i assume so. I just wish I hadn’t started all of this. I should never have asked to go away, I should never have called for an ambulance. I wish I’d just let him kill me. I might aswell be dead, I don’t think I will ever come through this. I wish I was stronger.

[Prisoner]

Thankyou Godschild itbis so hard. But i had to post when i read this ladies stiry it reminded me so much of my situation.

[Prisoner]

I have just read your story and it struck a cord, many on here no my story and i wont go into it now. But please please look at leaving this man before it gets any worse. I spent years not leaving the house or phoning anyone. You are worth so much more.

[Prisoner]

Lisa I am going to try and phone the help line. do you think there will be organisations that can see me at home? i really can’t leave the house yet i just can’t do it. i try and sit in the garden occassionally and if i hear trhe phone ring i’m running for it.

it’s stupid really there is no one stopping me from leaving any more i don’t have to listen for him phoning anymore, he’s dead he’s not going to attack me if i leave the house without him. But i still can’t do it. i feel so stupid.

[Prisoner]

Thank you. I have been seeing the can but she just doesn’t seem to understand.

I have to try and do something before they label me as anorexic my weight is still dropping everything feels like a struggle. That would be great if you could godschild I have to try and do something and I really can’t go out to see someone. It is taking me all my energy to just sit downstairs for half an hour I feel so stupid. 😢 😢

[Prisoner]

I managed to get washed and dressed to go. I even made it to the door. But then I completely lost it my dad ended up trying to walk me back to bed.

I’m such a awful person how could I not go to my husbands funeral.

[Prisoner]

He’s my husband. I couldn’t be a good wife when he was alive. I’m even worse now he’s dead.

[Prisoner]

I just feel so pathetic! How can something as simple as sitting in the garden make me feel so tired drained and really upset. I’m pathetic.

[Prisoner]

I am laying in bed completely drained and exhausted!

However today i have spent almost an hr sat in the back garden! I know its not alot and probably sounds so pathetic, that its left me so tired but for me it was a big thing i even managed it without taking diazipam which I have been having to take large doses of to get to the hospital appointments.

I have also had a small amount of lasagna OK it was probably a portion a toddler would eat and my mum force fed it to me!! But its not soup.

[Prisoner]

They have a point. It’s all the if onlys and what ifs.

If I hadn’t asked him if I could go away for a few days if I hadn’t called an ambulance gone to the hospital told the police. He would still be here. I did kill him.

I am thinking i should go to the funeral i’m his wife. I should be there. But that means leaving the house

[Prisoner]

Sorry. I am trying so hard. I can’t go back to hospital I keep remembering what it was like before to many people to loud. I can’t do that again. I can’t do it.

His brother’s have turned up today. They were disgusted that I wasnt arranging the funeral. They blamed me for his death. “I should have kept the problems within the family” and wanted to know if i was going to attend the funeral which aparrntly will be thethe end of next week. They were even more disgusted when I told them I wouldnt be going. They got so angry I completely freaked out and panicked my dad ended up throwing them out!

Now my head is even more of a mess maybe I should be going to the funeral.

[Prisoner]

You are all so kind. I managed to eat a little more today, but my mum still force fed me the rest of the bowl.
She had my dad put her rocking chair in the conservatory and i managed to sit in it for a short while. I feel so guilty.

[Author]

Posts