privatelady

[privatelady]

Sounds like a familiar story.

I keep getting similar stuff. I’m done,I’m just about to give up on the world but it’s usually followed by a tirade of abuse of why I am the reason why. I don’t rise to him to do anything.

You know what unless it’s to do with our child or the divorce I don’t answer. I spent long enough bowing down to the world being centered around him and now, and I do speak from reality and a little anger carrying our child who has been harmed by his behaviour in discreet ways, but has burdens she shouldn’t have through the next stages of her life. From my experience he uses this as a way to divert from conversations which need to be discussed to a way to put him at the centre and he hates I don’t play the game and get concerned anymore. Contact needs to be needs based only, no other discussions or small talk. It’s hard to do and bounderies will be pushed but you can do it.

Dont get wrapped up in emotional turnmoil or his drama. They use threats to cause you harm, and because of the trauma bond its hard not to react with emotion or concern.

[privatelady]

It’s so frustrating but it’s been heading this way for a while. I’ve tried to push things down (I’ve got screenshots of all kinds before I blocked him and copies of all the emails he’s sent which are abusive and date logs for most stuff). Keeping him updated on all things to do with child, trying to arrange contact, which has nearly always been rearranged his end or cancelled.
But the emails now are turning nastier in
context and the way he lost his temper in front of me with our child being the aim of it, it’s a repeat of the behaviour I put up with for years and she deserves better. So it’s now aimed at her to get to me, I know the games as well as the things she says after contact each time, she’s been spoon-fed stuff a child of her age does not need to hear.
I’ve always looked at things in best interests for the little one but it’s becoming harmful to her for it to be allowed to carry on.
I’ll speak to the charity above and see what they suggest.
It’s living a whirlwind. I feel better I can be myself more, but there’s always a niggle, just there, right there trying to pull me and my child’s foundations we are building out again.

[privatelady]

I’ve been trying to be a bit clever since he finally went and whenever he’s called off, been offensive on the phone and the little ones around, blamed me when he doesn’t see her (when he’s the only one that’s cancelled and its been a lot of times, conveniently some on important dates for me, which he knew) and followed up a phone call with messages (detail removed by moderator)… Is it a certain date you are coming so If I put on calender this date so little one can visually see what’s happening and when to help her.
I’ve gone through a long list of a lot of dates and contacts and made a chart of each and every chop, change threat,all backed up with written emails, screenshots. Insults included and him confessing to him always calling me certain things.
Ive also asked key people who help with little one to write down anything she says which may be signs she is picking up on things and being affected and date/time things when she’s repeated things or made statements alongside their responses to reassure her.
I can’t fight for him to disappear, it would be nicer for me yes but I couldn’t be the one to say your not coming. She loves her dad and honestly historically even when my life was hell he’s Been good with her. Whether he’s wronged me or not, she has the right to be risen by me in the best way, teaching right and wrong, that things he did to me are wrong, but he loves her. But I do need a plan probably through court to stop the coercian as set it stone can’t be manipulated (only broken if that’s a game he is going to play in the future) and his games to me must not harm her. Adults worries should be adults worries, not for a child to carry, and she’s carried enough burden when she used to try and get him to stop shouting at me when he was here and was the one who was shouting for me to phone the police when he got so threatening (not physically) to shut him up.

The legal advice is from solicitors linked to local domestic abuse support services so will hopefully fingers crossed have good knowledge as I know proving emotional abuse in court is a hell of a journey.

[privatelady]

I can 100% relate to this.
I am away from my abuser now (the context has changed and now its phone calls and messages over our child which turn awful so I’ve blocked contact other than at set times)
I’d either get phone calls and messages lovebombing telling me I was amazing or the other how I didn’t love him, what was wrong with me, did I need help or checking my whereabouts (I worked through lockdowns and there was only one place I was going to be so how checking up on my whereabouts when I was working made sense? Where was I going to be?) it was constant.
If I was with friends my phone would go to “check” something but not once, like about 6 phone calls. I’d only be out a few hours, or there would be a problem I’d need to sort. I gave up going far for long in the end.

Just remember, there’s no gains from this other to make you feel bad when there not next to you. It’s a key tool to manipulation and control. Keep you at your low and master how you feel.the sighs in front of colleagues when they come through, oh I’m just tired, I didn’t sleep well.
If your good at masking and have to practise at all times for something as simple as messages you can keep the bigger secrets too right?

[privatelady]

It’s using contact to manipulate you and confuse you. it is not in the best interests of your child for it to be this way. If the kids prepared to go and no one shows up that’s a rejection straight off and the name calling is another add on of an abuser will always blame somebody else when they overstep the mark.
Keep records of everything . Times dates, screenshot of any messages sent as evidence for court when things like this happen.
I’m just at the stage of legal advice over my ex and contact as he’s a game player but recognising it for what it is gives you power to be prepared, at least in your own mind.
Im not relying on mine for anything at all.

[privatelady]

I’ve been using yellow rock anyway as I can’t truly grey rock when it’s around our child.
It’s the yellow rock which has esculating him which with warning about how individuals of controlling nature’s may react, he’s following the rise up and try and make things harder and is digging deeper for the reactions, which he’s not getting from me.

I think it’s truley bugging that I’m not showing him any response to his manipulation so he’s usin g now, the one thing I have to respond to and that’s the issues around his contact with our child, but it’s harmful to her

Anything not to do with our child I’ve not been engaging in conversation about
I’ve made it quite clear there are certain things I will discuss which are important we discuss but will be done by email only.

For months every time he’s had a go or shouted or demanded down the phone I’ve followed up with messages to confirm what his main point was (mainly so I’ve got screenshots of him admitting the accusations and gaslighting and not denying anything. Infact to be fair I’ve got years of it if I really needed it, he’s now gone but his behaviour isn’t changing. So if he’s saying a, b and c I’ve purposefully messaged regarding this you said… Etc..

and this is how he’s behaved for a long time.
I’m going to drop in tomorrow for further advise regarding legal processes and domestic abuse advise as a first step as its time I build my own life back.

We now have routines and stability (of a sorts) but I need to find me again without feeling anxious all the time.im never going to heal and need to so and whilst he’s behaving like this it’s only going to impact our child and with everything I’ve got she is the centre and his behaviour often not realising he’s beong coercive and nasty is not going to impact her life anymore either

[privatelady]

As expected he finally blew up over the limited means of contact (detail removed by Moderator) when he was supposed to be on pre arranged call to daughter. He asked her to put me on the phone and the shouting began.. I reminded him the purpose of the call but he carried on shouting. Can’t block voice mails so they came through thick and fast. He’s not planning anything unless it’s over the phone.
Stuck by guns and contact with me is email only

Really sad tonight as little one wanted to phone him as he didn’t make the plans with her he should have (detail removed by Moderator) as he spent time shouting at me, which again she heard. We have had chats about how it’s not fair for grown ups to act like that and that if she did ring him I wouldn’t be speaking to him on the phone. Clear as day she says to him please don’t ask to speak to mummy so you can say “****** this thay the other) like you did (detail removed by Moderator) or shout like you do sometimes.
I’m now worried I’ve put that thought in her head unintentionally by trying to reassure that he loves her very much and whatever he says to me won’t change that

I’ve got someone with me when he next collects and drops off. I’m feeling lost again.

[privatelady]

I’ve been trying to get legal advice and but pushed it forward a little more.
I got the number for one who is good at dealing with these type of issues from a local women’s empowerment charity via welfare calls. I need to take on more of there support really but with half terms and juggling work, childcare being unavailable at certain points and my head being in the clouds and in survival mode at times it’s been hard to find direction. He has done me a favour with the latest tirade though in truth as its taken me back to the main goal and focused.

I’ve diverted to voicemail and send him an email simply re iterating the bounderies, that if he had anything to communicate with me he can do it via email. I will be unblocking the phone at certain arranged points during the week for him to talk to his child, that the calls remain child foccussed and not used to communicate with me or ask me anything or tell me anything as the call is for our daughter and him to talk. Anything else he can email. I’ve set days when I know we are home at reasonable times for her age and plans which I will stick to. I’ve re iterated the contact arrangements and when he is to see his daughter which is already in place (which he hasn’t been sticking too but I’ve kept records and evidence of it)

And I’ve (detail removed by moderator).

As expected I’ve had the flip out reply (detail removed by moderator) however it’s all worded with no emotion, daughter at centre but it simply cuts his opportunities to be little and berate me from a distance (although I havnt said this is a reason in the email, just that, this is the plan). I’m being more than reasonable and infact I am fighting for him to keep his relationship with my daughter for her sake.

Thank you Darcy for replying, its appreciated.

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