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@driedflowers thank you so much for sharing! Your story certainly gives me hope that we can all get through this, its so good to hear that you have been able to start to come out thebother side of these difficulties

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Thanks fizzylem, I suppose I just need to go for things without expectation and let them be what they will be and not expect myself to be perfect. I’m still trying to decide whether ligjt dating will be helpful to my recovery at this point or if I should just be focusing on myself, but I’ll just keep working on trusting my instincts and know that wherever I decide I need to be, is fine!

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Thanks Camel, I’ll keep working at it and trying to be gentle with myself 🙂 got to look for the positive moments.

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It’s certainly true that these things were already true about me before the relationship – they were getting better for a while but after this relationship I feel that they’ve gotten a whole lot worse. I’ve taken like10 steps back from any of the healing that I did prior to the relationship.

The idea that this is just “me”, that it’s just “how I am” makes me feel horribly hopeless and depressed. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be able to live life, not just survive it. I am trying to maintain hope that if these things were instilled in me by my father and then reinforced again in my relationship, that they are in fact things I can overcome so that I can actually take action instead of standing on the sidelines of my own life and being ruled by fear.

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Thank you, diymum! It really does put things into perspective to see the actions of the abuser as conditioning, that’s exactly what it is. And I suppose we can’t expect ourselves to snap out of years of conditioning just because the abuser is no longer in our lives. Maintaining hope and a willingness to do the work will get us to the other side 🙂

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Thank you all for sharing your experiences, I wish we could find a quick fix for this horrible fear but I guess the road to recovery is always going to be a long one. Some days it feels so overwhelming and like I’ll never get past this fear but I have to believe that I will.

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Thank you all for your replies, plenty of food for thought. After realizing that a big part of what got me into the mess with my ex was my inability to see him clearly and my lack of self-worth that made me accept such poor treatment, I think I probably need to get in better touch with myself before pursuing further romantic involvement. My overwhelming fear of rejection probably means that its too soon. I’ve decided its best to just focus on myself for now, and if this thing is actually right, maybe it’ll come back around at a better time.

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Thanks, tavarish. It’s good to hear that I’m not alone in feeling these things. I wouldn’t wan to bring my old baggage in and ruin something that could be wonderful, and at the same time I also don’t want to pass up an opportunity for something wonderful, so it’s a little confusing. But I know healing is the most important thing; I just wish I could make the proccess go faster so that I could start living my life fully again without all these inhibitions and fears.

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Thank you all for sharing your own stories and thoughts, it is heartbreaking to hear that several of you were not able to get back the things that were precious to you. I am afraid that i will also end up in the boat of everything being destroyed before I can get it back. I still don’t know what I am going to do, but this gives me a lot to consider ❤

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That behavior is absolutely not normal, it is
100% abuse. I too went through a long period of thinking his behavior was normal, because I didn’t have any models for what a healthy relationship looked like, and because he never actually hit me. It is so, so easy to minimize abuse because he doesn’t hurt your physical body, but in reality, smashing objects and nearing walls, anything like that alis a form of physical abuse. And you should never have to tolerate your partner calling you ugly names. That is not love. Absuove men seem to be very good at showing people only their wonderful, charming sides – my ex could certainly flip his demeaning behavior on and off like a switch when he wanted to. “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft might be very helpful to you – I found it instrumental in working up the courage to leave my ex. Just remember you are not alone, and you do not deserve that sort of treatment.

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I don’t really have an answer on how to sort out those conflicting feelings, but wanted to share some love for this post. Like you, bumblebee3, I am still very much in the throes of trying to sort out my intense feelings for my ex, even though I’ve already left him. It took me getting so scared of my partner and feeling so oppressed that i was like a prey running from a predator for me to find the strength to leave. I couldn’t do it until something scared me so much that it completely overwhelmed any feelings of love i had. That, and being in almost constant contact via text with someone who had my best interests in mind when thing were getting scary with my partner. If you have someone who can be there for you to bounce your feelings off of, and to be a part of your safety plan for leaving, that might also help you find the resolve to leave. I’ve also heard women talk about having a moment where something just “clicks” in the brain while their partner is doing something terrible, and that “click” suddenly shifts everything to where the need to get out of the relationship overwhelms everything. I had to wait for that moment before I had the strength to leave. And even once you do leave, it is very easy to let those feelings of love creep back in, and your mind might focus on the memories of the good times and you think you want to go back to him. I’ve certainly experienced that. Seems like sometimes even when we think we’ve found our resolve, we suddenly can find ouselves sliding back into confusion. But I think sharing your thoughts and hearing the feelings of so many other women goes very far, reminds us that we are not alone. Really appreciating hearing about how everyone has handled their experience with these conflicting feelings 💗

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Iwantmeback, I’m so glad you got to the point where you could see him for what he truly is. Gives me some hope that I will get there someday too.

KIP, thanks for the book recommendations. It helps to know that my situation is not unique, and im glad you were able to get through your hardships too.

In terms of going to the police, I thought about doing it when things were really fresh and the harassment was constant, but i was afraid that if I did he would become angry and more dangerous. And now that the harassment has let up quite a lot, I worry that the police will not take me seriously because I waited so long. And I know the best thing would be to never see him again, but trusting that family member to take care of getting my belongings is something I don’t think I can do because that person was already supposed to do that a couple times but never came through. In fact in some ways I want my ex to be there when I go back to get my stuff, because I am afraid he might hide some of my things with his belongings so I want to be able to have him prove that he isn’t keeping anything of mine. And if I went through his things without him there, I am afraid he would accuse me or someone who was there with me of stealing, because he has insinuated that in the past. So I am dreading having to make contact with him but also feel it’s unavoidable. I suppose the best thing would just be to get it over will as soon as possible, but I haven’t yet felt strong enough to put a plan in motion. I suppose I’ll get there soon though. I know that once I feel that this burden is off my shoulders, things will be so much better.

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Sunafterthestorm, what hell you’ve been through. Thank God you and your baby got through safe and healthy. Healing takes a lot of time and we might never really be the same as before the trauma but it is possible to use the trauma in positive ways to inform your decisions for the future. Groups help a lot with processing these things I’ve found, so does one-on-one therapy. And remember even though you feel broken, you had the strength to get through this and will come out the other side even stronger and wiser.

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That is definitely abuse you’re experiencing. It can be so hard to remember that during the times he decides to be nice, especially since he spends so much time twisting the table to make you feel like the bad one – you might start to think you were overreacting, but never forget that the things he did were real and abusive. I was in a place similar to you, feeling like it couldn’t really be abuse because he wasn’t physically hurting me, but like Iwantmeback said, the things you are suffering are just as bad because they are destroying your very identity. Keep writing down the the things he does that hurt you so you can go back and remind yourself when you start to question. I’d also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?”, when I started to question my partner’s behaviors, that book really opened my eyes to how bad things actually were and set me on the path to taking the steps I needed to start finding myself again. (You can download it and many other similar books on the Google play store so you can read them secretly on your phone). Its so easy to minimize our partners’ behaviors because they keep twisting our thoughts, and because deep down we WANT to see them as good people, don’t we? But stay strong! Remember, you are not the bad one in this situation, and you deserve to be treated better.

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I’ve been thinking about what you both said and decided I won’t reach out to him. I don’t want to get pulled back in, I have so much farther to go before his manipulations no longer affect me. If it really does turn out to be real and serious, I’m sure that he, and his family too, will reach out to me again, and probably with a message that in itself is much less manipulative than his last one. After show it to some friends they were able to help me see how manipulative it was, even while he was saying he was scared he was also still putting the blame for the things he did to me partially on me, and even blaming this health scare for the things he did in the past – like he had been worried about it for quite a while but hadn’t said anything to me before. And his message even accused me of pettiness. So I guess if it were really a serious concern, the message would have focused a lot more on the actual problem than on manipulating me to feel worried and like I needed to prove I’m not petty. So I will wait and see.

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