Redpanda123

[Redpanda123]

I had an ex who did this. He’d lock me out of his flat, I had a coat on. He would say I didn’t know what a normal relationship was because of my abusive upbringing. He said there was something wrong with me because I wouldn’t do something sexual he wanted. He was a bully and a liar. He became physically violent. Please leave this man before he causes any more hurt to you. Coercive control wasn’t known when this happened to me, but these guys are text book. Wearing you down, blaming you, accusing you of things. They don’t change.

[Redpanda123]

Did you have therapy or counselling after your 1st toxic boyfriend? Did you have an abusive childhood? I ask because I had a terribly abusive childhood. I went on to have numerous abusive relationships with men and friends. Friends weren’t physically abusive, but were not good friends. I swore after my mother didn’t leave her abusers I wouldn’t put up with the same. (detail removed by moderator) beat me up and attempted rape because I’d fallen asleep, I went back to him. He swore he’d have counselling etc etc. he was apologetic. (detail removed by moderator) I’m still having unresolved trauma therapy. If you don’t leave this man he will hurt you again. He’s trivialised what he did to you. Don’t let peer pressure make you accept an abusive relationship. Until you love yourself first and can be alone you may continue to attract abusers. I hope you seek help to leave this jerk.

[Redpanda123]

Absolutely it is. It’s intimidation to start with. Undermining your opinions, psychological (gaslighting)abuse by dismissing your feelings and trying to make out they are joking.The only way someone should be restrained is if they are a danger to themselves or anyone else. Also setting you up for coercive control by offering options which you choose not to follow. Have you read the dominator by Pat Craven or looked at the Freedom Project? That’s a course run by zoom at the moment, but there is an online booklet with it. It shows what an abusive relationship is like compared to a healthy one.

[Redpanda123]

Don’t apologise, this is what the forums are for. Abusers confuse us and purposely to keep you on guard and disoriented. I’m fairly new to these forums. I had childhood abuse, neglect, which impacted my relationships as I had 3 further possibly 4 abusive relationships. What you learn becomes your normality. I’ve had several years of therapy and am back again as a recent short term relationship showed a lot of red flags. I have unresolved trauma. Again I questioned these. It’s a long road healing. But you need to look after yourself.Contact women’s Aid, they can give you details of your local DA centre. Read the dominator by Pat Craven. I read the freedom project, which shows other behaviours and red flags I wasn’t aware of. If you can visit your GP to get this behaviour and how it affects you recorded. Start only if it’s safe to journal his behaviour. I’ve read a lot on the forums, leaving is a process, when you’re ready and sometimes takes many attempts. But you need to start a plan with your safety and we’ll being in mind. Lots of lovely ladies on here will give you some great advice too. Take care.

[Redpanda123]

(Trigger subject) I’m so sorry to hear these awful stories of you ladies being raped repeatedly and these men being complete and utter pigs. An ex of mine kept saying there was something wrong with me (detail removed by moderator) not want anal sex. We had been drinking heavily and having sex (detail removed by moderator). I went to bed, fell asleep. He pulled me off the bed saying (detail removed by moderator). I saw a knife (detail removed by moderator) and panicked. Should I throw the TV through the window, I don’t want to get raped. The look in his eye was terrifying. I hit him (detail removed by moderator), got beaten up, said (detail removed by moderator) and bit (detail removed by moderator), I had to escape and drive home under the influence, so I didn’t go to the police. Plus my brother said (detail removed by moderator) and my grandmother of violent father asked what I did to cause it. He kicked me in the stomach. I even went to his Drs with him to get him help. When his Dr asked(detail removed by moderator), it didn’t occur to me to go. I recently saw him in a dating site (detail removed by moderator). He used to expose himself in the car or at his back door. The (detail removed by moderator) and seeing him triggered bad memories. A recent ex was quite aggressive in bed, bit my breasts, called me a dirty b in bed asked me to tell him if I slept with anyone else. We could watch porn. Said (detail removed by moderator). I wasn’t intending to. He only texted sexual msgs. Non asking how I was when I was ill. Asked what (detail removed by moderator) and could see me a few hours (detail removed by moderator). When I dumped him the (detail removed by moderator)  I sent him a msg saying (detail removed by moderator). He was always so busy. Triggered memories from an ex who was always busy, saw other women, used me for sex for (detail removed by moderator). I had a lot of very short relationships and one night stands. So I wouldn’t get hurt. My therapist recently said did you think to say no (boundaries, again. I’ve read the book. Listened again to the audiobook in the car. But these men are snakes. I said I was scared of the consequences of saying no. As a cold I remember neighbours kids asking me to play (detail removed by moderator). When I said no after they explained it, they pushed my face into a (detail removed by moderator).

[Redpanda123]

I also nearly got engaged after I finished my 1st lot of therapy. He love bombed, so I’m familiar with that. He criticised me, said I didn’t (detail removed by moderator) and wanted me to shout out sexual experiences I’d had with other men when we had sex. He took coke too, not good in his job. Luckily he dumped me. I was relieved. He was starting to be controlling etc. I saw those red flags.

[Redpanda123]

Thank you. I grew up in a violent household, neglectful mother, bipolar father. Imprisoned (detail removed by moderator). Then my mother married a worse guy and I was kicked out. I spent (detail removed by moderator) on and off with a psychological, emotional abuser. I wished he had hit me. There was definitely a trauma bond there. He too would not contact me, disappear. Put photos of other women he was seeing in his house. Allegedly hit the other woman. I worked in a (detail removed by moderator) at the tome and had women coming up saying they’d been with him. He wouldn’t finish with me. Kept me dangling. I asked for clarity, to which he’d said we weren’t that serious. Yet previously had said there’s a (detail removed by moderator), you should marry me then divorce snd take half my money. He then said wait (detail removed by moderator). I did subconsciously. Then he got engaged after (detail removed by moderator). Now divorced. I then got involved with someone who was physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years. I’ve also dated a lot of liars, a con artist and men who lied about being single. Also ones who were selfish and only interested in their own needs. I had no problem in discarding them. But this guy blindsided me. He’s seeing someone else now, I hadn’t thought about him for over a year. But then I got upset, but yes he was inconsiderate and selfish. But I still need to build self esteem, see red flags better. I’ve had friends treat me badly too. Which compounds the loneliness. Thanks for your advice.

[Redpanda123]

I’d forgotten these ones too
I was going away shortly after I met him. Said he wasn’t happy about that.
Asked me to tell him if I slept with anyone else.I thought was weird.
Asked what I was going to do with my clothes.
(I have quite a few) he’d had a good look round my house
Said he could see me moving somewhere high up. My house had bad energy.

[Redpanda123]

Hi Auriel thanks

I had a 3 hour psychiatrist appointment (detail removed by Moderator) as I had an accident whilst (detail removed by Moderator) for work. I damaged my pituitary gland, so now have to take steroids and growth hormone for life. I also had a shoulder operation in (detail removed by Moderator), still have pain in my knee and lower back. I had a steroid injection in my sacroiliac joint. I told him my history etc. He’s assessing the impact of my accident psychology. As I’ve ended up at A & E 4 times with panic attacks. Three because of an ex boss.(bully)

I meant being hyper vigilant when dating. I have a pattern of I think seeing red flags, but not sure, then I dump the person. But then I go back, apologise and say I was triggered. Or if someone has treated me badly or ghosted, I become extremely upset, despite their behaviour being bad. I feel abandoned again. I don’t know if I’ve pushed good men away, or I did see red flags, just didn’t trust my gut. Still work to do. Thank you for your good advice.

[Redpanda123]

Thank you Lisa and Auriel. I know I have further healing to do and build my self esteem. I had done lots of therapy and thought I can do this now. Obviously not.I still don’t trust my instincts as I think I’m too hyper vigilant sometimes and I have trouble standing up for myself if someone says something I don’t like or agree with, or if they’ve confused me. I’m reading “Why does he do that” and have screenshot a list of books someone else added on the forum. 😘😀😀

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