Sadness

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Thanks IWMB he stayed away heating broke and he came and fixed it came in calmly looked ashamed .I can’t even think about him now as I feel my mental head isn’t great and I’m just trying to get through day by day I feel my kids deserve more will I ever feel my self again why is this happening to me why did I put up with it for so long I saw this comming I even told him I did I saw the red flag and it did this was a eye opener for him also and left so easy because he new it was so wrong and he has admitted that .Life just isn’t fair

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Benson he is very clever if I mention anything on text he just text back saying when will the lies stop I know his family may believe him but no one else will but I’m just so broken can’t get it out of my head and he left went to his mams house everyone fussing over him trying to help him with his mental health and I’m here broken with 4 children I can’t even eat my stomach is in knots I’m just dragging my feet around putting on a half a smile for my kids .im going to change my number (detail removed by moderator) because I can’t deal with the text from him he told me he took a overdose (detail removed by moderator) I couldn’t even contact his family because he could have been up in his room watching a movie and they would only think I’m mad again because that’s what he does if he did take it I really don’t care but his too selfish to even do that hel make me suffer more .I have been keeping a journal for a while now I can’t even read it back it breaks my heart thanks for advice cuts just so hard to talk I just want it all to go away it’s consuming my mind

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But who will believe me that my husband did that to me he won’t admit it

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Gbk I totally understand as I am in the same situation after he hurts me in my head I have the strength to do it but as I relax and calm my self I don’t have the heart to do it but I feel close I really wish he would just go and leave me heal and my children as we have been through so much he keeps saying his depressed and sorry but I just think if he loved us he would leave until he got help with his anger and not put us in danger .He has somewhere to go as it’s just him I can’t leave with 4 kids.His family only know his depressed they weren’t to know about anything else so he is getting pitty off them that he doesn’t deserve as he is only depressed because I said I have enough and he doesn’t want people to know .This is the longest I have stayed in separated room and I’m proud of my self for that at least and I have said to him over and over again that we are over I usually give in after a week for a easy life .I still don’t understand why I can’t tell anyone why I’m so ashamed when I shouldn’t .I hope you are ok as I know the your brain is going non stop and the ups and down would drain any life you have left xxx

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Gbk if he is abusive could you not get a barring order against him and he would have to leave house and you won’t have to leave hope you are ok it’s so hard x

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Hi xpeacex so glad you had the courage and strength to do this I am in awe of you and wish you the best of luck xx

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Xpeacex hope you are ok well done for been so strong it takes a lot of courage to ring them xx

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Hi stronger together .MY husband has said this to me and has a plan put in place but didn’t offer to leave for space and that’s what I need .I am physically sick over this my brain is going to explode I just want the man I fell in love with back !!he can do it I know he can but will he !!!

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Thank you for reply twisted sister .Im just trying to get my head around evening and I see people turn there lives around and change but I don’t understand why abuser can’t seem too and just wanted to see was there anyone on here that there abuser got help and they did change .I am just in the worst stage and finding it hard I don’t want to be a lone parent with 4 kids but I also don’t want to live unhappy it wasn’t always bad but the last year it has been I wish I was like the woman that walks away after the first time !!

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Hi helovesmehesays hope you are ok .So sorry this is happening to you all I can say is you are so brave for canceling and leaving him .Im stuck in a abusive marriage and I’m afraid to leave I haven’t the strength .You can do this don’t leave him win.Sending you a virtual Hug xxx

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Lozzyx I have been there he sent me pics of loads of tablets that he was going to take when I found him I rang ambulance I wouldn’t go in I was then accused of why did you help me I should have just left him there but he was in the house where my kids were so I couldn’t I went to another room until the ambulance came and rang his family they new by me I did not care I had enough I was (detail removed by moderator) pregnant and we already had 2 small kids that was a couple of years ago I ended up getting a protection order against him he broke that and ended up in jail for 1 week came out and was totally at rock bottom and I took him in because he had no where to go I felt sorry for him he did pull him self together and did amazing but his back in same posstion now but this time we have 4 kids there is no saying oh daddy was playing a game his not really cross they understand more now and I just can’t do it to them any more I really just want to start fresh I don’t like who I have become I want the old me back .I am the type of person that forgive and forgets very easy but I can’t see much self getting past this I really can’t.i would love to be able to tell him how I really feel but I can’t I would be afraid to !!!I went out with my daughter today I unblocked him to ask him a question through text and received a pic of him crying back saying I can’t do This any more and a dioxide letter sent to be that he wrote Friday but I didn’t see it because I blocked him the man is crazy !!!!!

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It’s so hard Lozzyx I’m devastated for my children what they have been through I know how much better off we will be but I know it has to be done slowly for there sake and mine and for my husband to understand that it is over but if he gets getting angry will we just have to go .He always says his depressed but only when we argue he has never came to be on a normal day and told me and then he can’t even go on meds because he’ll get addicted to them and take more when he feels angry that’s how he copes .He has no self control in anything he does and I feel me and the children are the ones been punished for his bad choices I do believe I have enabled him I have left him away with it all I even said one day to his mom when he saw fist marks on the press well at least his getting his anger out how brainwashed was I breaking stuff wasn’t ok none of it was ok !Joining up to sports in the early morning so an argument didn’t happen when I said no to sex.Tellinh me that I need to change and that’s sexy is a very important part of a marriage I stopped cuddling him I stopped kissing him I only did when I had to but I hated it .He told me the other night that he went to kill him self but I don’t even believe that he could be liable to just be in smoking drugs .i know this is a terrible thing to say but I don’t care anymore if he does kill him self because he is hurting so many people around him and I can’t handle hearing it so much when he has never tried or has no intention of it and even if he does I will never blame my self .I do understand why you stayed you just had hope that he would finally stop and that you were worth stopping for my husband did stop and was great and we really got on but when life gets hard for him or stressful he just slides back in because I’m his head he can’t cope but in fact they make things worse because his mood are so up and down .what has happend to me is now I know he has no self controll and he made the choice to not get help he keeps asking me for support and he needs me but he doesn’t when he has me he abused me .

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Hi lozzy I could have wrote that I am in the same boat and feel I have enough my husband started taking my child’s ADHD meds I had a idea but he told me I was crazy and swore on my kids lives that he didn’t he told me I was mad it coarse so many arguments which led to verbal and emotional and physical abuse he really convinced me I was going mad .Then when he was caught red handed he had to admit and played the I’m depressed card but the day before when I didn’t have the solid proof he was fine and I saw no sign of depression .So it’s just emotional abuse he is telling me I’m ruining his life and that how dare I take everything he has away from him .What is going through my mind now is what don’t I know ??what haven’t I caught him doing because he has never been honest with me I only know what I find out !!! When I find out something the abuse cycle starts until he makes it so unbearable for me I just forgive and try forget but i can’t do that any more the bad days are just taking over the good a year of my life I will never get back a nightmare 🙁

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Hope your doing ok pc I am at the same stage and am finding it so hard too and don’t know why it should be the easiest decision ever I just feel weak .

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It’s made me feel worse and upset and stupid but glad I did it because it has opened my eyes even more:-(

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I am in the same situation it’s very scary if I leave with kids it will lead to so many other problems like will he be able to pull himself together will he kill him self will he come looking for me and I dont know if I had the strength .If he is been Abusive you could get him removed from home and supervised visits !You are not alone x

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I’m here writing down what he has done to me and I actualy can’t believe it I can’t believe I have left this man do this to me! Poking/locking me in to room /breaking my phones /throwing stuff/begging me not to leave him at the early stages /lieing /smoking drugs /catching me by the throat /telling me I’m fat Ugly useless fake smelly useless mother. No good wife I’m mentally abusing him (so he says ).im mad /I’m bipolar /his the way he is because of me/I have ruined his life /he is going to end up alone because of me /pulls my hair grabs my head all the time /squeezes his head in to mine telling me with madness in his eyes how much he hates me and will make me pay /has told me he was glad my baby died/it’s always my fault I’m to blame for everything /he has called my friends names calling them fat/gay money grabber /caught me by the throat /pulled me along ground while my son watch /threw me in to the ground (detail removed by Moderator) my kids saw and were screaming when they saw my nose bleed /grabbed me by the throat so many times /grabbed my mouth /pushed me against (detail removed by Moderator) so hard I had bruises along one side of my body /when I scream when I’m scared or hurt he gets madder /he covered my mouth because I was crying to loud and then covered my nose I couldn’t Breath he new that and kept doing it I was begging him to stop /he takes my car keys /he takes me phone he hides my hair straightener /he breaks my makeup pulls straps off bags /he tells me I’m to blame for all of this too that he hates me he wishes I was dead he has told me to kill my self .He has told me he would burn house down /he has threatened suicide so many times I have lost count with even sitting in attic while we were all down stairs knowing kids could see him / he has told me he will make my life hell /he tells me I’m a lier and that what I say is lies (I wish it was )/taking his sons meds /lieing about it for (detail removed by Moderator) making me look at him not allowing me to move when he is angry making me answer him when I don’t want to talk /spitting at me / throwing coke getting the kids /putting holes on walls /breaking hotpress door /fist through (detail removed by Moderator) /told his son he hates him and that he caused argument that he was slow /he has kicked my face /stood in bathroom while I was showering and would not leave /grabbed my belly fat calling me fat /when I promised him sex one night and then was too tired he got angry shouting telling me he wanted to hen sex with his friends wife because I’m useless so I felt I had to have sex to calm him and cried through it /block me from internet /block me from my emails /change my Facebook account details /ring my phone on find my phone over and over again /block internet /tell me that he won’t be home from work but then comes home plays games /he will tell me after he did something that it didn’t happen that I’m mad /he tells me I’m bipolar /because I don’t want him getting drunk every weekend cranky with the kids I’m controlling / he goes mad if he thinks I’m telling any one / when we argue he won’t stop I’m beg to leave house and go to work but he can’t if I go in to bathroom and lock door he screams and bangs so I have to open it he takes my phone makes me give him code then say there reading my messages deleting recordings I had of him for proof of his abuse /he has told me I’m more than 1 occasion I wasn’t aloud leave the house that it will all end today /he has also said to me that he is glad I’m crying and he wants me to feel the way he feels /he has often imitated me when crying and told me to shut the fuck up that it’s all drama / he locked me in my sons room and wouldn’t leave me out until I talked to him but all he wanted me to say was it was my fault to he rubbed his body against mine I had a panick attack and he got mad told me it was all fake .

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So sorry you are going through this there is a order you can get if there is abuse that he can’t be near you or kids try record when he shouts so you have evidence .You might feel safe if he can’t come near you.ITs such are hard time for you stay strong x

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Thank you Autumnique I just need to take it all in and sort my head out before I make my mind up I’m going to speak to a councilor and maybe understand why I have stayed and why I am not strong enough to keep my word that it’s over .I haven’t told him I love him on (detail removed by moderator) years and I only have sex with him to prevent a argument I took off my wedding rings (detail removed by moderator) in hope he thought I was serious and would seek help but he didn’t when I think back he has abused me from day 1 but sent long emails about how sorry he was and bought me stuff !now he doesn’t even care when he hurts me he tells me when I’m crying that his glad I’m crying now I feel like he feels he hasn’t said sorry all this year and this year has been the worst !!i believe he is so caught up on how he feels that he blames his depression and anxiety for his behaviors but I know that is not the case .He now thinks I’m brainwashed because I have enough and he can see a change in me and is threatening to hurt my friend now thinking it’s her but I haven’t told anyone about the full abuse only some of the mental and emotional abuse .I feel sick and I feel drained and look a state my 4 kids have barely left the house over Christmas this is meant to be happy times for them they can see my sadness in my eyes and I’m snappy with them and it’s not there fault !

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Is she doing this to me .All I want is for him to leave me alone and get on with my life and make happy memories I feel now I took the good times for granted 🙁 my children wouldn’t care if he was around or not because when we fight he stays in his room only comes down to give out and shout so I have been a single parent for the last year.I think he really thinks this is going to be ok in time and that I’ll forgice him and take him back The only reason I’m still in house is because it’s my house too and my children’s why should we go how do these humans exists !!I just feel I need a break I have blocked him from texting me so I can’t get message after message saying poor me how can you do this bla bla bla i make sore I’m in a room with someone .je is a compulsive lier and really believe that people will think I’m lieing I think he was happy that fake abuse claim happend in big brother I could see it in him !!I have a a recording of him telling me if I drove his car he will kill me and loads of useless stuff and a recording of him calling me a fat fuck over and over again would that be enough evidence ?im no good taking to someone as I have never spoken loudly about it so to even go and apply for a barring order will be so so hard

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I know I think I’m still living in hope I do feel he will push me over the edge and i will have a breakdown there is only so much of poor me I can take I can’t stand a selfish person and I can here him crying up in his room and I know all he thinks I’m his head is why is

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Thank you for response .i really thought he would get help but I just can’t keep waiting I feel memories are turning in to nightmares I’m a very happy person and little things make me so excited but it’s all been sucked out I’m terrified of occasions and I’m terrified of what I will find out next about what his up to .I told him it was over and that sets him right off and I have told him to leave but I know he will never leave this is so hard why can’t we break up like a normal couple !!il will be honest I do care about what he will do when I do leave for good as he can’t cope with anything .I have (detail removed by moderator) children with specially needs and they need 100% of my attention .This has been bad for (detail removed by moderator) and taking my sons meds has made it worse but I do think with out any drugs he is still a monster deep down and triggers are conflict can’t deal with it he calls me fat ugly useless but he doesn’t mean any of it afterwards but what I say I do mean so he can be angry about that .I am a very private person and this is my first time speaking about it I rang the gurds oonce and they basically told me there was nothing they can do so I will never ring them again until I have a protection order I lost faith in the guards now .I wish he would be a decent person and just leave and not put us through this !is it just me but does the nice person he is sometimes confuse you .I mean as in he would do anything for me and the kids clean cook washing play with kids but it only happens when we have a heated argument ??

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If I’m honest clementine I just keep reading and reading and can’t stop thinking about it and what he has done I know now that he will do it again and I feel when kids get to a age for answering him back he’ll will do it to them .The house is quiet for now but when he realizes there will be no honeymoon and the cycle is broken the anger will happen he texts me a lot about been depressed and sad and that he needs help but I have blocked all messages coming to my phone as he is just manipulating me .I need kids to go back to school so I can plan my plan depends on his reaction if I go for a protection order it might calm him but also could do the opposite since the (detail removed by moderator) emergency Barry Order came in to affect so I could get that I have a recording of him telling me if I drove the car he will kill me and he says it over and over again and a lot more verbal abuse I also have a pics of my bruises under my arms where he crabbed me .I hope that is enough for a barring order and if I get one locks will be changes and I will go to a refuge for a while so my kids don’t have to see the aftermath .I am in (detail removed by Moderator)so the court system could be different .Im just hoping he realizes he did wrong and it’s over and we can break up like a normal couple would .I even promise not to tell anyone about why if we broke up easy but I know it’s more control

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