Serenity

[Serenity]

Hi Sunflower,

I’m so sorry that you experienced this from the police.

It’s been a few years since I had contact with the police over my ex, but I remember at the time I came up against similar – with the police minimising what my ex was putting me through.

In terms of complaints, I am getting better at doing that myself : challenging rather than just scuttling away hurt. I would say, why not? Sending you support x

[Serenity]

Thank you, both.

Wants to Help : it sounds like you did a great job being firm – well done!

White Rose : how lovely to hear from you! I’m sorry that your ex is playing up. They don’t have their usual audience during these times, and we suffer for it! Do you know, I have forgotten certain things about my eldest at that age. Maybe because he was such a victim of my ex, I am focussing mostly in that. Funnily enough, my eldest was saying how he finds it hard not to get involved when my youngest is rude to me, because it reminds him of how he was to me, and he feels guilty about that and so wants to stop my youngest from being so towards me! So he’s turned out ok. Thanks, you are right : a bit more strength is what’s needed.

Things are a bit better at the moment. I told my youngest that, in no uncertain terms, wound I tolerate such behaviour. Time to be tough : I’m possibly raising future husbands here! x

[Serenity]

It’s so easy to listen to the critical voices of some of those around us, and to believe it to be the truth. We might not be aware of it, but it can cloud our day, our relationships…

Try to remind yourself often how your critics words come from a place within themselves: it arises from their own issues.

Please don’t believe what they say. You are a brave lady and have been through a great deal. Distance yourself from those who
don’t support you.

Things won’t be like this forever. You will be in a different place. One thing you must not do is to blame yourself for the abuse that was done to you, because they will stop you from believing that you deserve so much more x

[Serenity]

Thank you, HopeLifeJoy,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think you mention something really important : that he feels safe to go and live, because he trusts that I am now safe. He was always very protective towards me, and I have always told him that I will be fine- I am independent minded and have great support.

I lived at home during university, partly as I felt responsible for my divorced mum. I didn’t want him to feel that, and the fact he’s gone and having a ball shows that I at least succeeded in that way!

Thank you so much again x

[Serenity]

Thank you, White Rose,

You are right- he maybe needs the odd text without admitting it!

I did text him after my post, and he called me a few days later too, though partly because of practical issues. But that’s good: practical is what we want, as it shows that his emotional stuff is relatively stable!

Thank you, and I hope life is treating you well x

[Serenity]

Thank you so much, Fudge Cake! Your words are so comforting.

After a few difficult days, I am feeling a lot better about my son being away at university!

I’ve realised that my feelings were basically bound up with those of over-protectiveness towards him due to what he’s suffered at the hands of his dad ; but that the best way to make him safe is to encourage that learning and independence that will come from him living away at university.

And he’s doing such an exciting course, and will be treated with respect by his lecturers etc- the total opposite of how he’s talked down to and ridiculed by his dad. He deserves this.

Thank you again!

[Serenity]

Thanks, KIP! ❤️

[Serenity]

Thank you, KIP.

After reading your comment, I did text him. He said he could tell I was worried but not to be. I said to him that mums always worry, though I know he’s very capable, and wished him good luck with his first lectures this week.

I feel a lot better for doing this. I think I was trying so hard not to ‘annoy’ him that I had taken it a bit far. After speaking to some other parents, it seems that then did in fact message a bit, especially when their offspring first left. You can’t just drop them overnight! I would have hated it if my mum had texted me all the time – but also felt abandoned if no one had texted me at all!

There is so much influence from past abuse, without us being fully aware of it. My ex never ‘allowed’ me to show my emotions, especially about the kids- because it wasn’t about him. I would be silenced, or punished. Since the divorce, I’ve tried to shield the kids from so much- maybe to the point of denying reality sometimes. My counsellor told mr that I keep disappearing off, buried underneath other people’s needs and priorities, becoming invisible. I feel better now, accepting that I am a mother who will, of course, worry! It’s what mums do! Also, change is, as you say, necessary but uncomfortable too. My son is a bright boy, and certainly deserves to do the amazing course he’s chosen to do! We are there to give our children roots, but also wings, as they say!

Thank you, KIP, for your wisdom, as always, and for helping me to see that it’s no good denying who I am 100% – it’s best to be truthful and real, whilst also ensuring you don’t behave in ways that distress your offspring x

[Serenity]

Thank you, KIP. I will text him today. I need to know he’s ok and to maintain that connection.

I’ve been getting flashbacks of scenes throughout his life, and have been a bit worried about my mental health this week to be honest! I know I have a susceptibility to feeling triggered due to having had the PTSD.

When he was living here, I was actually a very laid back parent – but that’s because I could see that he was ok.

[Serenity]

It just shows you how they really aren’t on our planet! x

[Serenity]

Yes, it’s normal.

Those demanding so-and-so’s made sure that they eclipsed everything and were the most important thing in your life: there’s an abuser-shaped hole in your life.

By the end of the relationship, you’ve forgotten how to just ‘be’ and how to be you. You were trained by them to be on ted alert, tending to their needs and pandering to their moods, every second of every day.

It takes months, sometimes a good few years, to fully realise that they aren’t going to come bursting through that door at the end of the day, creating pain.

By the time they’ve finished with you, you’ve started to believe that doing things for yourself is self-indulgent and selfish, because they made you believe that. This is why you miss them: because they made you think that they were the pounding of your existence.

Add to that the crazy chemicals and adrenaline that were created in your body by their constant push/ pull, punish/ reward pattern of behaviour, which your body mistook for love chemicals. Suddenly, you feel flat. At least when they were there, you were hoping half the time ( though you were in agony the rest of the time).

It takes time for your body to settle down. It takes time for your brain to sift through the different elements of your experience and make sense of it all. It takes time to restore equilibrium and calm, to reach a level of radical acceptance about what happened to you and to find that new strength by which you will begin to rebuild and recreate.

But you will find those resources at some point, and you will feel the buzz and excitement of being in charge of your own life again ; and you will look back and see it for the prison it was.

[Serenity]

I can understand your triggered reaction in sending the email. You we’re probably subconsciously recalling all those times when you needed his emotional support that he wasn’t there for you, or when he twisted things to somehow use it against you.

I also get you feeling a bit emotionally cut off at first. It was a protective mechanism, whilst you came to terms with the situation. Don’t feel bad. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s our brain’s way of processing information so as to not overload us.

There will always be parents who won’t believe that their kids are capable of bad things. People are wrong to minimise any kind of bullying. We can only keep on ploughing ahead, leading by example, showing our kids that it’s possible to be strong, principled as well as happy in this world, that there is much good in the world, but we need to be on the look out for bad and that we can stand up for ourselves and create strong and healthy boundaries so that we can protect ourselves and enjoy the positive things. I kind of think of it like the old Ready Brek advert, with the person leaving home on a cold morning with the warm glow surrounding them. Whatever is around us, we can be stronger than it is. I hope that your daughter increases in strength and experiences the good that exists in life.

[Serenity]

So sorry, Bubblegum.

You will have good memories to keep you going, once that the pain of his loss has subsided a little.

You will be able to keep his qualities and influence alive for yourself and your kids by talking about him, sharing memories and recalling the important things he taught you in life- by remembering him often. I lost my grandmother when I was a child / nearly teen, and for years we have kept her memory alive by talking about her, and she still remains a central figure in our lives because she was such an amazing person. And do you know, it’s been over 30 years since she passed? Special people love on in us always.

[Serenity]

It’s the good moments that keep us there, isn’t it? They create hope within us that the person can change, that they feel the connection and so will, surely, get to see the error of their ways?

The good times don’t cancel out the bad times. They don’t erase the hurt and damage: they just cover them up, push them under the carpet; they are a temporary band aid. But the real damage is festering underneath. Sex is a very powerful weapon. It can be used to allure people and hook them in. Or maybe, during sex, he can somehow forget himself and show a vulnerability that he can’t in daily life. But you need someone who is kind and supportive in daily life, who doesn’t traumatise you and confuse you by yo-yoing between abuse and apparent tenderness. I haven’t been on this forum for a while and so haven’t followed your thread, but I am sure you know about the trauma bond that feels like love, as the same chemicals are produced when in love as when you are in fear. A bit of confusing biology.

The reasons or the causes of his behaviour don’t matter, in so much as either way, you are being unjustly hurt and damaged, and that’s wrong.

I’ve been out of an abusive marriage for some years now, and I was like you in my marriage- praying that he would cut out the mean moments, and just be kind and tender. Though he was dreadful, I was a mess when it ended. It was all I’d known for a long time. I cut contact, and I’m at the stage now where he doesn’t loom so large in my mind. I saw him this week, and felt nothing. I’m dealing with the after affects of the abuse still, but the craving for him in terms of wishing he could be different is gone. This will happen with you too over time, the more you distance him.

Sending you warm hugs.

[Serenity]

Thank you, both.

You’re right: even though she’s my little sister, I don’t need to tolerate abuse from her. She is, after all, an adult. She needs to learn to handle her life in away that isn’t abusive to others. If she insists on carrying in as she is, people will give her a wide berth. There are kids to consider in this. It’s time she put kids first.

xxx

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