Silverbirch

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This is a very sad thread to read. My children are all young adults now and it is only very recently that they have begun to see for themselves what their father has been up to. Now that I am out of the way he can’t torment me so he has started to play his sinister games with them. One of my children actually named his behaviour to them as gaslighting. It is heartbreaking to see their confusion because they love him but his behaviour is toxic. I don’t know how people can do this to their own children – I guess it’s that belief in their own entitlement. Wishing you and your children well Thistle06. x

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My GPS were always very supportive over the years – I think having doctors who are aware of domestic abuse and it’s impact on health is a great help. X

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Living under chronic stress caused me significant physical illness – that was the tipping point for me. I knew if I stayed I wouldn’t survive. I think we try to adjust psychologically and emotionally, but the body tells us clearly what is happening and eventually we have to listen. Xx

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Watersprite – safety,freedom, peace, truth …. yes! I remember the first time I noticed that I wasn’t feeling a sensation I’d lived with for decades, a tightness in my chest. I realised I wasn’t living in fear and my system didn’t need to be on permanent alert. I smiled and I felt real happiness and joy. I knew that life was opening up for me. X

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I am smiling Blueskies3. I still have a lot of books but editing them was one of the big steps. Books and clothes. Travelling light these days :). Sending a smile xx

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Hello Headspin, I’ve just seen this thread. Anger. Indeed. How could it be otherwise? Once the fog starts to lift and clarity starts to arrive, it’s no wonder you are feeling anger. You are remembering how he treated you. So feeling anger about his behaviour is totally natural. When we feel anger it’s almost second nature to direct it towards ourselves in the form of self blame or regret or recriminations. That is part of the conditioning and brainwashing process. We do the best we can in impossible circumstances. I notice that my self blame is diminishing gradually as I see more clearly how my ex deliberately and consistently chose his strategies. I now think it is amazing I got out at all. I support the idea of carrying out tasks in a detached or dispassionate way. It sounds as if doing them , though painful, is helping you reach greater clarity. This can inform how you spend what time you do have in ways which are good for your wellbeing. Sending support xx

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Good morning Blueskies3. Glad it made you smile! Even one drawer or shelf is a step. Each step adds up. You can find out a lot about yourself when you declutter. What you find hard to let go of. What you want to hold on to. There’s no rush. Sending encouragement! Xx

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Hello miserable@home, I was re-reading what you wrote and I am hoping that you managed to make contact with Womens Aid and am glad that you checked out the Dogs Trust. Hoping you are OK. Sending you support.

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Hello Blueskies3, I smiled when I read your post as I am a big fan of decluttering. I used to do it a lot in the years with my ex and each time it helped me get closer to being ready to leave. It is a way of clearing space for new life to emerge. As Mari Kondo says, we ask ourselves ‘does it spark joy?’when deciding whether to keep or let go of an item. Maybe if we applied that to our relationships we might get a different perspective on our questions. Sending love and encouragement, Silverbirch xx

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Hello everyone

I was reading Mary Oliver’s poem
The Journey again tonight and thought it might be relevant on this thread. Xx

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Hello Rose1, what you wrote was so familiar to me. You described exactly the experience of living with an abusive person and the impact it has. I echo what Catjam, Darcy and Beachhut say. I would add the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Each aspect of what you described is summed up in characters like The Bully , The Headworker, The King of the Castle, The Jailer, and so on. These are illustrated with sketches and sayings. So it makes it simple to see the cumulative effect all of these strategies have on us – until we start to see through it, that is. Every bit of knowledge you gain, through groups or reading or therapy or online forums, is reclaiming your self awareness, your identity and your power. You can do this. I know that’s true because I managed to, women on this forum have managed to, and women all over the world have managed to. Your fear is a natural response to living under threat. It is telling you something. Listen to it. Xx

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Hello Grey Rock

Thank you for understanding. I will look up that book. The experience kept reminding me of the parable of the Good Samaritan. It was as if everyone was walking past me on the roadside, as if nothing was happening. I think that was one of the most damaging aspects of the abuse; having it condoned by people /institutions of faith. There were a few people who really stood by me, but these were not family members. They were (detail removed by moderator) women whose faith was very strong and very real. When they told me they were praying for me, I felt very supported, because they were also helping me practically by listening and encouraging me to get away. But family members praying for me felt like a betrayal, because they weren’t doing anything to help me and were in fact still maintaining friendship with the abuser. There’s a saying about doing nothing in situations of injustice meaning you have chosen the side of the oppressor. That’s what it felt liked. I used to sit in church just crying, week after week. Listening to the Exodus story and about Pharoah’s refusal to let the people go. I could relate to that in a very precise way. I was asking , over and over again, just to be allowed to leave, and being refused and terrorised. All by a pillar of the community who is still a central figure in his church and locality. This is motivating me to find a way to go back into churches eventually and , in a positive way, raise consciousness about the devastating impact of domestic abuse and that it is hidden in plain sight , and that we need to consider our response to it in the light of faith. Are we going to pass by on the other side or are we going to show loving solidarity with people being oppressed?

I really appreciate your response and your prayers. Bless you .

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Hello Blueskies3
When you wrote about your fear of burning your bridges, I had a thought. Part of what might make it more difficult when any of us faces change is that our minds are hard wired to seek the negative/what may be difficult or challenging and less inclined to reflect on the positive or what is possible. Therefore we often only change the status quo when a situation is absolutely intolerable. This has developed in evolutionary terms in order to help us plan for difficulty and to protect us, but you can see that it also keeps us stuck. So it might be interesting for you to fast forward to imagining looking back at the end of your life. What might you regret? What might you wish you had tried? What might you be glad you did? You are the only one who knows. What we do know is that there are no guarantees. But I wouldn’t change the decision I made to finally leave and I only wish I had done it earlier and wasted less precious time. I can see that I was held in that marriage by deep and lifelong conditioning, reinforced by his domestic terrorism. Now, I deal with everyday life on my own and my confidence and self esteem have returned. I have the love of friends and family and my life has changed beyond recognition. I feel peace and happiness and I do not live in fear. I wish you well as you take time to consider your options xx

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Hello Blueskies3, I hope you receive some encouragement from being on the forum. It sounds as if part of you wants to leave the relationship and part isn’t quite ready or sure? I found myself wondering what you feel is keeping you there? Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to someone neutral like a therapist or people at Womens’ Aid so that you can work out what your options are. Our friends can want what they think is best for us but it is only the person caught up in the actual situation who knows what they are dealing with. I know I had a lot of mixed feelings and had to face the reality of losing my home, most of my belongings and needing to work into my 70s. But now that I’m out of the marriage it has been worth all of those losses, because I have peace of mind and my own life. Life is too precious to waste if you have a choice. Wishing you well. Xx

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Hello Headspin, what you are writing makes absolute sense and I remember feeling the same for a long time. It takes time to comes to terms with our own experience and it can be shocking and confusing to see what we have gone along with, once it no longer feels necessary or normal. You may need to tell your story many times before it loses its power and you begin to feel free from self criticism and self doubt. Part of what happens as we withdraw from the relationship is a sort of grief process. When we are in the relationship, we need to protect ourselves psychologically by minimising or reframing all or part of what is happening to us. When that defence or protection is not needed as much, we may experience shock and anger, as happens in any process of significant loss and adjustment. This will change over time. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself as you pass through this. xx

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Hi Natasha, I echo what ISOPeace says. I might add that staying in contact with other people, if necessary when he is out of the flat, sounds really important. You might also decide to notice when your mind goes to focusing on him and what he is thinking/doing; at that point you have a choice, and you can move the focus of your attention elsewhere. Perhaps to the radio, perhaps out of the window, perhaps to ideas of whether or not you choose to remain in the relationship. You can use his silence as time to think. Wishing you well xx

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nbumblebee , don’t forget the strength it takes to stay even when you know what is happening, because the alternatives seem too frightening or not possible at the moment. You are strong. You are managing this situation as best you can in all of the circumstances. It took decades for me to get out and what I kept in the back of my mind was that when my youngest was an adult then I would have a better chance of minimising the harm to them by leaving. It is different for each person on this forum. When people are being terrorised on a daily basis it is no wonder it takes so long to get out. This thread is a window into the lived reality of trying to escape domestic abuse.

Take care of yourself.xx

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You are now seeing a way through and though it may take time you will get there. Trust yourself, educate yourself, take good care of yourself and get whatever support you can. Xx

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Everything on this thread makes so much sense. So much wisdom and courage here xx

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Hi Blueskies3, I was really struck by what you wrote about wondering if being older makes leaving more difficult. I remember thinking like that too. I felt vulnerable and it seemed like a very big step to be heading into the world alone. But gradually I realised that there were people and agencies I could ask for help. I also realised that being with him as I grew older and perhaps less physically able would be a very difficult situation and my predicament would be worse than before. So ultimately it felt as if the choice made itself – to take the risk of leaving and seeking a better life, or remain in the certainty of more of the same or worse. I hope you find some space from your other stressors over the weekend and can rest and recharge a bit? Take care xx

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Hello again Grey Rock, I’ve just looked up the book and a review on goodreads led me to The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick. I may order that and read it. To be honest, the impact of the abuse destroyed my faith and I find it hard to go back to anything to do with reading scripture and the orthodox ideas of a loving and protective God. So the language of the church and the bible now doesn’t feel meaningful to me now. But I do still have a very strong spiritual life: it is at the heart of my existence. I’ll see what I think when I’ve done some reading. Thanks again !

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Hello Headspin, you are welcome. Keep posting. Stay connected with people who will help you stay true to your own emerging reality. You are waking up. I’m sorry for the delayed response – I’m not quick at checking follow up posts :). Take care and trust yourself xx

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Wow. Thank you Ocean. I feel understood and affirmed. I appreciate what you say and how you say it x

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PurpleTeardrops, you are welcome. Take care and keep posting x

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Hello Sungirl. It’s good to read that you are finding support in the forum. It’s a powerful resource when you are feeling the exhaustion which inevitably comes from living in these situations. I’m hoping you have people in your life who you can trust. I know that having a couple of really solid friends made all the difference as I gradually made my way out. Whatever you decide about the therapy, what matters is that you take your own safety seriously.

Take care x

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Totally relate to that ‘playing the game’ secretlife. Doing what you need to do to stay safe until the time is right to leave. Very wise.

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Hello cakepops, I’ve been thinking about what you wrote about protecting your ex and why. It is very familiar to me. Some of it is/ was fear driven ( wanting to avoid his anger, as I still try to do even at a distance). But some is definitely social conditioning, and perhaps maybe misplaced or misguided loyalty. What is helping in the DV group is seeing the same perpetrator behaviours being played out in all of these different lives, whatever the background or education or privilege. The strategies are from the same playbook. The sense of entitlement, the coercion, the moods, the threats, the aggression, the refusal to take responsibility for their own behaviour. Seeing this really helps me move from a position of shame and self blame towards a place of anger. What happened to me took up decades of my life and was absolutely wrong. There was no excuse for it. I can see that much more clearly now, even though I may not yet have found kindred spirits. So I do feel some solidarity, which is good.

Wishing you well.

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Really helpful and positive Iliketea – thank you !

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Hello Sungirl, I’m hoping that you are finding a way to keep what sounds like a delicate balance at the moment, especially about going out to dinner. It sounds like you feel pressurised rather than invited. I remember those happening a lot. Now I’m out I never have to do anything unless I really want to. Stay safe and find ways to get your reality supported and affirmed. X

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Cakepops, thank you. That line – it made myself question myself and hate myself even more … I totally relate to that.

I’ve been back in the group since I posted and although I still feel ‘privileged’ and not as connected as I’d have hoped, I’m still continuing because I’m learning so much from participating. When it all comes down to it, the stories each person is telling are true in my own lived experience. I can see how my ‘privilege’ actually contributed to me staying because of the cultural and social and economic and ‘religious’ pressures. So I can see an activism coming alive in me; abuse happens to anyone, the pressures to cover it up or to stay are legion.

I do hope I can find a group where I feel I really belong and where people have similar lives/ experiences to mine. But until then I’m learning a lot and I am moved by the plight of all of us women.

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