Sportygirl

[Sportygirl]

Update – it’s a portable surveillance device, looks like a digital camera. I looked up the brand and they only make surveillance products. (detail removed by Moderator). so obviously it’s to record me. It really makes me wonder if he’s planted any anywhere else. Honestly this has got me so stressed. Do I say anything to him?

[Sportygirl]

Thank you both for your helpful replies 🙂

 

[Sportygirl]

Thanks bananaboat and lover of no contact. Every time I read a new post it adds another piece of the puzzle, I really appreciate it. I’ve tried imagining my future without all the aggro quite a lot over the last few years, like you mentioned bananaboat. I feel really hopeful while I’m imagining it and even write it down, but nothing ever changes. I don’t know why, I’ve tried really hard.

I haven’t just had abuse with this partner, but was brought up by abusive immediate family members, and a mum who was an enabler, so it was on all sides at home 24/7. It really affected me and I’ve had counselling, but basically most of my life I’ve been abused. I think I’m so worn down by my life experiences, I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and have tried all the things suggested to me, like self care, doing things you like etc, I exercise as much as I can and even learned meditation which I do daily. I think this stuff keeps me afloat but my life doesn’t change.

I worry about how I’d survive financially if I lived on my own and pay the bills etc, also how things would get fixed if they needed it (I don’t have any family or close friends so no support system). Practical things like taking care of the garden which is difficult due to my health. I can’t work due to health reasons so my income is very very low, hence the worry over things needing fixing on top of meeting basic needs.

It’s very hard for me to make friends as I’m introverted and hate small talk, but more than that I literally have no headspace for chit chat when I’m just trying to survive every day.

I feel really down, I just think if things were going to change they would have by now, because it’s not like I haven’t been trying for years. x

 

[Sportygirl]

Thanks for explaining all that lover of no contact. It makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you are quite far along in your healing journey. What helped you? Was it listening to YouTubers like the one you mentioned? Anything else, if you don’t mind sharing?

[Sportygirl]

Thanks lover of no contact (great name!). Can you say more about them being soul detached, that sounds really interesting. And that they made their choice a long time ago?

[Sportygirl]

Thank you 🙂 I wondered if he knows what he’s doing, when he’s been hurtful. Are you saying he knows he’s being hurtful? I wasn’t sure if abusers are just so sick (in the head) that they don’t know.

[Sportygirl]

Thanks minimeerkat. It’s one thing to recognise it as crazy making behaviour, but how do I become indifferent to it, for it not to affect me emotionally? And mentally/physically from the stress? Also, how do you cope when he is stonewalling you and you’re living in that toxic hostile energy? There are no family/friends I can go to when he’s in and not going for a walk in the dark evenings. There’s only so long you can impose on people anyway, I’d have to come home eventually. So looking for a solution from anyone while I’m in the house, a shift of perspective rather than just read, do a hobby etc.

Also, how should I respond to him if he eventually starts talking? I’d love to say “(detail removed by moderator)”, as it’s the truth he needs to see, but not sure how that would go down with an abuser. What are your thoughts?

[Sportygirl]

Hereforhelp – in one of your posts you said this time last year you were a mess – that’s pretty much where I am. I’m still living with the abuser as my exit plan involves my own home being restored/renovated before I’m able to move. One of the most difficult things is that I know he has a affairs behind my back but I can’t say anything otherwise he’ll kick me out. Sometimes though it comes out in little ways, like (detail removed by Moderator) he told me that he had changed his working shift times and they are now exactly the same as (detail removed by Moderator).

I said, “(detail removed by Moderator)” He totally kicked off and said that I was always suspicious I’ve started gaslighting me. He’s now stone walling me. The thing is, it does seem like I’m being suspicious, because I am and I also have good reason to be, he’s a complete womaniser. But it looks like I’m the one in the wrong for being suspicious, whereas he’s the one who’s done something very bad with having affairs, and is getting off scot-free because I can’t say anything.

Any advice please, hereforhelp or anyone, for how to deal with this crazy-making situation and how to stay sane until I can get out? x

[Sportygirl]

Hi everyone, I’m so disappointed. (detail removed by Moderator) I was having a really bad day and very upset about something – one of those days that totally knocks you off your normal way of being and coping with things. It wasn’t about the abuser that I live with, but he could see I was upset and, in my vulnerability, I confided in him like you would a friend.

Five minutes later he brought up something else not related to that and totally kicked off at me, gas lighting and being aggressive. I couldn’t believe it, I just told him how upset I was about something and here he was making me more upset. In this double whammy I totally forgot about grey rocking and tried to defend myself against what he was saying. Of course that made him 10 times worse. He even told me to ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’, like a child (we have (detail removed by Moderator)).

Now he’s stonewalling me and I still have this other problem which is enough to deal with. Any advice folks? I know I don’t have any control over him, but what can I tell myself or do to feel better? What have others done to recover when this has happened? xx

[Sportygirl]

browneyedmum – wow well done, you’ve certainly created lots of strategies for coping with your husband, hat’s off! It’s so difficult and we shouldn’t have to spend our precious energy on that, but it’s good we can share here and help each other while we have to xx

[Sportygirl]

Strength and healing received with thanks browneyedmum! I mentioned I’ve heard of grey rock but never used it. Can you describe what it looks like – do you just literally just not answer and ignore all their questions when they’re trying to provoke? xx

[Sportygirl]

Browneyedmum – thanks for responding, it’s so great to hear every person’s experience. Re: I’ve posted great ways to emotionally detach – I know something amazing happened – by asking the question and starting the thread it sort of forced/inspired me to read articles and draw on everything I’ve read and learned and it all came out in that long post!

Thanks for posting your experience of grey rocking – I’ve heard of it but never done it yet, so it’s really great to hear others experiences of it. xx

[Sportygirl]

Hi Sungirl, yes I’ve heard of grey rocking – did you use it? What was his response to it? Do you feel better now you’ve moved out? If yes, did you have a support system to help you once you were out?

[Sportygirl]

Going back to the original question of how to cope while living with the abuser, I thought it would be handy to get ideas going, to keep this thread going and help people. Here’s what I found so far:

Ideas to emotionally detach:
1. Remembering the nice phase is just that – a phase, in a cycle of abuse. Knowing I deserve to feel loved, safe and respected consistently in a relationship, not just now and then during a nice phase.

2. Reminding myself of the damage the abuse has done, to myself, my mental and physical health, to my relationships, to family members.

3. Seeing how I have become after years of living with an abuser – passive, isolated, and people pleasing.

4. Not being able to give my dreams and goals the attention they deserve, or really do much at all, due to having no headspace from constantly feeling confused and traumatised in a cycle of abuse, and having to spend a lot of time recovering and generally just not feeling good.

5. Remembering that I shouldn’t be in a relationship where I don’t feel safe, loved or respected, and to firmly hold onto that, because even when things are peaceful, I don’t feel safe, loved or respected.

6. Being honest with myself and saying that I don’t even enjoy spending time with him because we have very little in common and pretty much all he talks about is work. Reminding myself that we don’t have any shared interests, he doesn’t ask me about myself, my passions and dreams. Remembering that the things that are important to me are not important to him. We don’t have a shared vision for a real life together, both now and for the future.

7. Noticing that he doesn’t factor me into his future in any way that takes care of me too. He talks about how much he can save each month to put into his pension. He makes no provision for me, or even us, the way a real and healthy relationship would.

8. Imagine my old age (I’m middle-aged now) and how hard it will be when he’s retired. That it means I’ll see him more and therefore will be subject to more abuse, feeling uncomfortable and unhappy more of the time, and have less time and headspace for me, my dreams, passions and goals, which he doesn’t share or encourage.

9. Reminding myself that he is not someone I would ever marry. To continue the relationship means to continue living alone even in my old age, like a girlfriend. This is not something I want for my old age or for my life.

10. He takes up the space for the right person to come along. I need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible, and begin to heal. Then if I do meet someone new I’ll be more of myself again, and a better match for the type of high-quality man I would want to choose in any future relationship. If I stay with him, I will continue to experience abuse and damage to my self-esteem, and this will continue to damage all areas of my life. It takes away the opportunity for a time of healing, to restore myself and my life, focus on my goals and dreams and give THEM the attention they deserve, instead of my attention being focused on him and surviving in an abusive relationship.

These are all ways I can think of to help me begin to emotionally detach, and to remember, so that I don’t get sucked into any nice phase or love bombing. Please keep adding folks if you can think of any other ways to cope and emotionally attached while still living with the abuser. I will add more to if any come to mind. xx

[Sportygirl]

Thank you both for your replies. I’m currently waiting for my local DA case worker appointments to start, as I only rang them 2 weeks ago. There’s no children involved. He already knows I’ll be moving into my own home and he’s keen on us living apart but still staying a couple (probably so he can come and go with his affairs more freely than now and live like a bachelor). Obv I’m planning on ending the relationship once I’m safely settled. I don’t think it will be hard as there’s nothing holding it together. For all I know he could be planning the same thing and not be telling me! It’ll end though either way. Local DA will change the locks and install a Ring video door thingy for me. I just have to survive and stay as well as I can until then. Self care, my interests/things that make me happy and building a support system are high on my daily list. xx

[Sportygirl]

I’m new to the realisation that I’m living with an abuser. I honestly don’t have the will power to eat well all the time, I’m depressed, and very isolated, no friends, no family. I really want to start healing on the inside while I’m still here with the abuser for now. I want to learn assertiveness skills, how to have boundaries etc. Even though I’ll only use these skills outside the relationship for now, so as not to escalate, it’s vital that I do. It’s one thing to know I need them but how do I learn them? I never ever want to go through this again.

[Sportygirl]

Hi Secretlife, I’m just one week into my OMG moment when I realised I’m living with an abuser and have been for years. I’m in exactly the same situation – I can’t leave yet but do have an exit plan, it’s just going to take a while to sort out. But I really really want to start building myself up and starting to heal now, build helpful knowledge etc., even though i’m still in the situation, like you are. TBH I’m overwhelmed. What were the main things that helped you start building inner strength as well as not falling for the flowers etc? Where do I start and what did you do? I feel so alone and very depressed.

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