StilliRise2b

[StilliRise2b]

In my opinion the reason why we miss the red flag is because they are such good manipulators. Usually we are so caught at blaming ourselves trying to change ourselves or “fix ourselves” to make them stop that we fail to notice that we are the victims in these situations and in fact it’s not our faults but THEIRS.
One example is that early in my marriage when we will have an argument and I will try to voice my discontent or my feelings, I remember him trying to silence me, in fact he used to tell me and managed to convince me that I should not be feeling that way( in fact I had no right to feel that way). I remember that i would just concede in the end by fear of making him mad, or he would usually stormed off if the conversation didn’t go his way. These outbursts would leave me very angry and confused. Angry because i was never allowed to express my feelings to him as he would just dismiss me, and confused as I didn’t understand the reason why he got so mad. We had years of this, still I didn’t realise that this was emotional abuse because i was so busy trying to fix my anger issues so that i could make him happy. In hindsight they were even more red flags, like he never apologised when he was wrong in fact blame me for everything.
I think it’s a very long process to forgive yourself as you feel so stupid that you should have known better. But you need to be gentle with yourself and know that you are the victim here, and the abuser has manipulated you to the point where you had ceased to see clearly. By the sound of what you wrote you have made tremendous steps forward by educating yourself as now you know it’s was never your fault and you can begin forgiving yourself, loving yourself and telling yourself that you are worthy and deserve so much better. I too I’m still with the my husband and but the fact that one of my girls is now a teenager I’ve realised if i don’t take action now she will go into adulthood thinking this a normal relationship, and this is my worst fear that I have not taught my daughter to not settle for less. I am determined to change that. Sending you love and hope that you find a way out

[StilliRise2b]

Hi, and so sorry you are going through this, I am fairly new here too and it took me over (detail removed by Moderator) years to realise the abuse, and make no mistake this is emotional abuse.
You mentioned how he not talking to you made you depressed, that’s exactly how I used to feel, in fact i spent so many years confused, depressed and he would just ignore me. He hit me about twice at the very beginning but then never laid his hands on me. But without a shadow of a doubt the emotional abuse is by far the worse. When he gave me the silent treatment it would drive me mad, i would blame myself, when I tried to get him to talk about it he would go mad. Regardless of how I approach him, there were no better way. I was ignored constantly but he is angel to the kids. When I discovered this group out of desperation and the advice that the lovely ladies here gave me, it all started to make sense. The terms stonewalling made complete sense, although i was sad but I was so happy at the same time as I realised that all these years I wasn’t mad at all, I was been abused and punished anytime I disagree with him or stand out to him.
You don’t need to beg him to talk to you, it’s not you and it’s definitely HIM. Try to get on with your life, do fun things with the kids and most importantly start educating yourself about the type of abuse you are living, I promise you it will only make you stronger and help you.
I am still with my husband and he hasn’t spoken to me for the last (detail removed by Moderator) weeks now, it’s hard for me because of the kids, but he no longer hold the power he had on me. I am numb to his games, and I am working on being brave enough to leave him.
I wish you the best and keep posting here, this is my only place where I can speak about things and everyone is so supportive x

[StilliRise2b]

@Beautifulday, are you sure my husband & yours weren’t related in previous lives lol.
First of all well done you for filling for divorce and I wish it all goes smoothly for you so you can get rid of him for good.
I swear if I were to pack my bags and leave with the kids today, my husband would just carry on as if nothing was the matter. He would be as blasé about it as any mondaine incident. At times i really want to shake him and ask him if he has ever cared about our marriage? For the donkey years we have been together he has never ever wanting to discuss our relationship unless I ask him to. He has no views on anything, but will blame me if
I make a decision and things go wrong.I hope I can one day get the courage to live him.
Stay strong the end is near I am sure, and the guilt you are feeling is quite normal, but I am sure deep down you know he will be just fine, In fact he will move on with his life before you know it.
PS: thanks for your advice on my post, I had a look at the “getting out of the FOG” page, and oh my another eye opener xx

[StilliRise2b]

A little update from me since I was last on the forum, first of of all thank you so much for caring and taking the time to reply, and to Lisa too. If you don’t know yet this is such a great boost to know that you are not alone, So although I may have not been posting but I’ve certainly been lurking in the background and reading the forum regularly.
The situation hasn’t changed much since last time so the silent treatment is still ongoing, I’ve started to say Hi to him but the conversation doesn’t go past that. He still sleeps in a different room, that’s quite alright with me as I love having the whole bed for myself. I am not sure how to explain the state I am in but I’ll try, it’s like I don’t really care anymore, i have absolutely zero feelings towards him and couldn’t care less about what he does . I live on autopilot these days as I have been a but under the weather lately therefore it has been a bit difficult to cope with homeschooling, cooking cleaning and working from home( so my mental health has definitely taken a hit hence much easier to block out his abuse for now whilst I concentrate on getting physically better)
I am ashamed to say I still haven’t contacted women’s aid, and I think deep down the reason for that is,it would be admitting that he is definitely abusing me.
I am still working on that and hope that I will get the courage to take that first step( this sounds so pathetic:-( even to myself.
I am still reading “ why does he do that” and the scary bit of information is that the abuser seldom changes, and this I know to be the absolute truth as in my case everything is my fault, in fact in my whole marriage he only admitted to mistreating once. And when I actually think about it, when he apologised and said he would make an effort, the way he put it was that he is making an effort and if it didn’t work then in the end that was it! Almost twisted it to the point where he could say that he made an effort to fix things but I didn’t make it work. Looking back at this I see how he once again manipulated me to think it was all my fault.
Sorry if I am rumbling and if much of what I am saying doesn’t make much sense lol, but i have been awake since 5am this morning unable to sleep as I am full of cold.
Hoping for a better day today, keep safe and thank you for been so supportive

[StilliRise2b]

Speaking for myself I used to have the same view before I met my now husband, I used to be amazed at women who had suffered from abuse at the end and of their partners, and often why they stayed for so long! Little did I know… and it makes me sad too. I am still with him and have been over (detail removed by Moderator) too. Until recently I didn’t even know I was been abused( imagine that!)i was just confused all the time and blame myself for most of it. I guess in my head the reason why i am still with him is the usual BS we tell ourselves i.e the kids.
Good for you for leaving though

[StilliRise2b]

Ditto, it all makes sense doesn’t it? Anger really doesn’t cause the abuse, i am only a few chapters in and this absolutely makes perfect sense. I actually always believed until I started reading this book that my husband abuse is because of his anger. He is extremely laid back but when he has his bursts of anger my skin would be crawling and nothing I could to calm him. so I concluded that the fact that he didn’t know how to deal with his anger lead him to be abusif. But the book taught me that was wrong and definitely not the case. Another illustration in the book that resonates with me is that it’s never the right time or the right way to bring things up. I would be dismissed continuously and I would hurt as a result because I could not quite tell him that he did me wrong.
I hope you are living your life to the fullest and I am so glad you got out of it. Just baby step for me at the moment I am sure I will get there

[StilliRise2b]

Thank you both again,it has been an interesting weekend and was saved by the fact that he had to go to work earlier. The kids and I went to the park and had an amazing time. I have started to read “why does he do that” and whilst he doesn’t fit one profil he certainly has a few traits here and there.
This book is an eye opener, so much makes sense to the point I wonder why it took me so long to understand this. I am highly educated and have a good job but boy i feel stupid, like how can I have missed all these signs.

@Empoweredhealing “stonewalling” is something I found out when I join this forum and it was liberating as It all made sense. I was not crazy, he was actually punishing me for disagreeing with him. I am trying to move on with my life and hoping I can be strong for whatever lies ahead, I need to start thinking of mu girls and our future wether that includes him or not.
Your posts help tremendously and I want you to know that as I feel so understood for the 1st time in a very long time. Stay safe x

[StilliRise2b]

Well done for getting away Hetty, the courage this must have taken you. I too hate the weekend when there is no escape. Lockdown has made it even harder, at least before I could take a book and go sit in the cafe for the whole day just to escape the atmosphere, but can’t even do that now. I have started to write things down and that helps to, i realised the things that happened in the past which use to confuse me to the point of casting doubt over things that he convinced me I did but i couldn’t remember doing or saying were just him manipulating me. The kids are all girls so can you imagine the example I am setting up for them. I think what prevented or is still preventing me from getting help is that I still don’t think it’s bad enough and that he is a wonderful dad to the kids, but can no longer close my eyes to the abuse as now I know better. Wishing you and your little one all the best and thanks for sharing

[StilliRise2b]

I could have written this myself,I don’t want to highjack your post so will write my own when I am ready.
But Just know that this situation you are in is exactly the same I am currently living it too. My husband been homeschooling the kids too and the stress we are all under is tremendous to the point where the little ones have been asking me everyday if they have to do any homeschooling today. The last incident we had was so bad, he got so angry at the kids you could hear the rage and anger in his voice, he put them in timeout several time because (detail removed by moderator), I also work from home,and could hear him shouting with such anger. I knew I had to intervene but was so scared, until I took my courage and walked in (detail removed by moderator) and saw the sheer terror in the eyes of my kids, they were shaking with fear. I lost it then and hit him ( i have no excuse) but the sight of my poor babies just broke my heart I was mad at myself for letting this happen and mad at him for putting them through this.
He said (detail removed by moderator), I apologised for hitting him but explained that the anger and state he was in was scary everyone. Since then he has been sleeping (detail removed by moderator) and hasn’t spoken to me, nor has he gone back to homeschooling. I guess he is punishing me for disagreeing with him.
I am walking on eggshells around him, I am depressed and just want to run away.
I am sending you a virtual hug and hope that you are stronger than me and put an end to this situation.

[StilliRise2b]

Oh KIP you are so right in saying I have been trying to fix a problem that isn’t mine. The worse thing is I am caught up in the loop of trying to fix his problem by changing mu attitude or the way I behave or respond in an argument. Also the fixing the symptoms makes so much sense that it made me laugh out loud like a mad woman. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer this has made me feel much better about going on with my day.
i will for sure read the book and start planning my next move. I really don’t know if I’m brave enough to leave :-(.

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