Strube

[Strube]

Thank you so much for your words of advice. I think because their father has hardly been on the scene in the last few years, it’s logical to me that I am the problem. I have in the past been blamed, by professionals in charge of contact, of harming my children by not hiding my anxiety and promoting their father in a positive light. They also say I don’t have an attachment to my eldest son. These things have stayed with me and when I see my children struggling I instantly blame myself.

Their father is so insidious in his abuse that no one else picks up on it. I didn’t always report his abuse in the past for fear of being seen as overreacting because he’s so charming and very clever at twisting the truth. Over time I’ve grown stronger and I recently reported him for his treatment of our children. The police accused me of overreacting! Again, I find myself questioning if it’s me. How can so many professionals involved with us not see through him?? Yet they see me as the problem. These people are trained and experienced and therefore they must be right? Now my children are suffering again and their father has had no contact with them so it must be me.

A relative has offered to take my eldest on a part time basis but he’s so young and quite obviously hurting that I don’t know if it will help. It breaks my heart seeing him so distressed but when he’s kicking off it horrifies me. He is usually such a gentle soul. I really believe the only way he will heal is a permanent order of no contact with his father. My poor boy has never had a chance to heal from what he witnessed and was subject to. He is old beyond his years because he hasn’t had a childhood. His childhood was and still is consumed by abuse, anger, threats, uncertainty, fear, confusions and trauma.

Sorry for going off on a tangent. My head is all over the place.

[Strube]

Hi,

I haven’t been on here in a while. Things have taken a turn for the worse. Son is so angry he says he hates his life and wants to kill himself 🙁 he’s only (detail removed by moderator). He got hold of a knife the other day and held it to his chest. His behaviour at school has deteriorated and he’s been hitting and punching other children. He is no longer allowed outside at playtime because of the unpredictability of his anger. The smallest things set him off – not winning a game, someone not hearing him when he talks to them, being asked to do a simple task etc. This is NOT like him at all. Throughout nursery and primary school he has not been in trouble and was the model pupil.

Our home life is horrendous. He kicked off 3 times yesterday and didn’t go to sleep until 11:45pm. He kept throwing his fist at me and telling me he’s going to punch me. I flinched when his fist came close to my face and he laughed and said “you’re scared of me!” and did it again. He also slaps and kicks his younger sibling. He does this high pitched scream over and over again and slams his bedroom door and stamps his feet. He openly tells me he’s going to lie and tell staff at school that I’m beating him so that I get arrested and he gets moved to another family. He doesn’t want to live with me anymore. After hours of this he calms down, apologises and tells me he loves me. When I discuss his behaviour with him he says he’s angry, doesn’t know why and won’t do it again.

I am in constant communication with the school who are helping and supporting him, along with a children’s worker form a local charity. The school have logged the knife incident for safeguarding reasons. Both myself and son are due to be seen by a local dv charity for added support. I have also been in touch with gp who has referred him for mental health support.

The professionals supporting us believe it could be a number of things causing his behaviour: control, fear of his father, a reaction to the stress and anxiety I’m currently experiencing and anger/blame directed towards me because of his anger towards his father.

He hasn’t seen his dad for many months due to safeguarding reasons. This behaviour only started becoming apparent in May and has grown increasingly worse. How can this be his father’s fault if son hasn’t seen him in so long?

I have this overwhelming fear that I’m the cause of this and that my toxicity was the cause of ex’s treatment of me. Now I’m causing my son to want to kill himself.

I am numb. I am under incredible stress at the moment regarding contact. My job is suffering. I have cut myself off from friends. I have important meetings coming regarding contact and I can’t think straight. I’m exhausted. I don’t feel happiness/anger/sadness…nothing. I don’t know who I can talk to.

[Strube]

I’m ok just bruised. My mum would help but she’s at work and can’t take calls. He has no remorse. I said to him what would you have done if I had been seriously hurt. He said I don’t care. Then he turned it on me and said that I had hurt him. He says he’s going to school tomorrow and telling teachers that I’ve been hurting him. I’m terrified and he knows it.

[Strube]

He just tripped me on the stairs and I’ve fallen down them.

[Strube]

That’s how I feel today Confused; I’m so exhausted. I’m going to give them an early tea and hope to get them to sleep early so I can go to bed. It’s so hard to know if you’re doing the right thing when you’re stuck in the middle of it.

[Strube]

I’m scared to seek help from CS (detail removed by Moderator) Son is a bit like yours, what he tells others doesn’t marry up with what he tells me. This caused us some trouble not so long ago when he had to give a statement to police (I can’t go into detail but it was about his dad). Police took no further action because of it. This sounds so weak but I don’t know how to be tougher on him. I confiscate his things and stop him doing the stuff he enjoys but that doesn’t work. If I send him to his room he just keeps coming out. He’s just finished a long dv course and whilst he was on it he was fine?

[Strube]

They’re in primary school Kip 🙁 they’ve just ripped a shelf off the wall and left a hole in the plaster. I’ve have no life outside of this house. I’ve had to reduce my hours at work to (detail removed by Moderator) per week so I can be free to attend dv courses and dr appts for son who has learning disabilities. (detail removed by Moderator) that is completely overwhelming me and taking up much of my time. Eldest has the same facial expressions and tone of voice as his dad. He gaslights and blames me for everything. If I cry in front of them they laugh at me. When I try to reason with eldest he says blah blah blah. Everyday in our house is a war zone. I feel just like I did when I was still with their dad

[Strube]

Thanks for taking time to respond. We’ve had lots of support and everyone says I’m a good mum yet nothing is helping my son. Yesterday he was throwing toy cars at my face whilst sniggering. Today he has broken my watch, defied me at every turn and accused me of kicking him (which isn’t true!). Now his younger sibling is copying his behaviour. I’ve had to lock all doors and remove sharp knives etc because they keep threatening to leave to go to their dads and were chasing each other with scissors. I have turned off the wifi, unplugged the tv and removed all gadgets. I have taken toys from that are being used as missiles to throw at me. Son isn’t going to a bday party today as a consequence of his behaviour. Nothing is stopping them. They just laugh in my face. I have no one who can support me. I wish I could walk out and not come back. I know my kids are feeding off my upset but it’s really hard to stay strong when they have zero respect for me or our home. They’re not currently seeing their dad but I’m starting to think they’d be better off with him because I’m not coping.

[Strube]

He’s a pain me of should read what he’s capable of!

[Strube]

I left him years ago but it was only recently he was granted contact. In that short time both myself and the school have heard stories from my children regarding the way their father treats them. Myself and the school both contacted children’s services (CS) regarding what the children had said, but they didn’t take it seriously and told me to stop contact. Easier said than done when a court order is in place.

CS were involved when I first left my ex and they said I was a good parent and they closed our file. In the years since I left him I have had support from the GP, health visitor, parent support advisor, school, family support worker, dv charities, play therapists and my own counsellor. Cafcass have also been extensively involved with me. Not one of those professionals has ever raised a concern about the safety of my children or the way I parent them. In fact they all said I was doing a great job.

The SW who told me I was overwhelmed and over parenting and has concerns that I’m physically chastising my children, told me two days before that I’m a good mum(!), she said if I wasn’t CS would have been involved by now. It seems she’s completely changed her mind about me.

I don’t know where the allegations have come from. My son told me he was asked by the SW and police if I smack him and if he’s happy at home. He said that he told them he doesn’t get smacked and he’s happy.

Surely if I had something to hide I wouldn’t have sought help over the years and I certainly wouldn’t have called CS myself. I’m cross that they didn’t listen to the concerns that myself and the school had, but have taken these allegations about myself seriously.

I parent my children the best way I know how and have bought many parenting books to help me in the areas I feel I could improve on. I have volunteered to attend parenting classes and other courses all in the hope of raising my children to my best ability. The SW told me books are meaningless and I should ignore bad behaviour from my children, even if it means they hurt themselves in the process.

I have been let down massively by the police and family courts in the past and I know that this situation will not end well for me. The ironic thing is, I reported my ex in order to protect my children and now it looks like I’m the one in the firing line. If he gets away with what he’s done and I’m forced to send the children back to him for contact sessions because of this false allegation I don’t know how I’ll cope. He will eventually kill one of our children in a fit of rage. Before you think I’m overreacting, he’s not proven Me wrong so far 🙁

[Strube]

Thank you all for your replies. Your words comforted me and enabled me to enjoy Christmas with my children.

I’m still very worried. However, I’m more cross at myself – I didn’t assert myself with the social worker and the shock of what they said caused me to break down in tears which probably reinforced their view that I’m overwhelmed. I wish I had asked where the allegations had come from – it’s unlike my ex to make stuff like this up, but I would y out anything past him. He’s hurt our children again and everyone around us said he wouldn’t do it again.

I have reported him for assault against our children a few years ago but the police were unable to charge due to lack of evidence. Will the police and children’s services look into his history or should I mention this to them incase they haven’t?

How likely is it that children’s services will take these allegations seriously?

[Strube]

Hi,

They are young, early years at primary school. I have talked to them, and so have their school. They don’t get it. When I tell them I’m hurting they laugh. They don’t seem to care. They’re in their bedroom at the moment shouting at me through the door. My youngest is demanding I take him to his dads right now. My boundaries are the issue. They buck against anything that doesn’t get them what they want.

As I write this I can hear my eldest encouraging my youngest to tell me he hates me.

I have a parent support advisor. She’s great and it helps me to talk with her. But things aren’t getting any easier at home.

I feel like admitting defeat and sending them to their dads. The only thing stopping me is knowing the risk I’ll be putting them in as he has a history of physical abuse.

[Strube]

Hi White Rose,

I also experienced this with my ex. I don’t recall him ever calling me by my name. In the early days of our relationship he used to call me nicknames that I thought reflected his love for me. They were never derogatory. He would use them publicly and we used to giggle at how cheesy he could be. These names he would also use when he wrote me a xmas card or mentioned me on social media.

He stopped using the names after a year or so of us being together and having our first child. In public I would be ‘babe’. In private he would call me disgusting, horrible names. The worst is one that makes me feel sick to my stomach; but when he was calling me it I just laughed it off. Being called such things had become normal to me.

I would be interested to know why abusers use nicknames for their victims. I have wondered if it has something to do with de-humanising us – taking our identity away by refusing to acknowledge our name?

[Strube]

Lilaclady, you’re very strong and brave.

Are you keeping a record of your ex’s behaviour? If not, please start xxx

[Strube]

Hi,

Thank you for your advice and support.

I keep a record of everything relating to contact and also anything the children say to me. I’m anxious that if I report it to Children’s Services, he will lie to them (as he has before). I do not want to be seen as trying to disrupt contact. He was on his best behaviour with the children this weekend, no shouting, smacking, making an effort to do things with them (usually he doesn’t bother). He’s clearly doing these things because he’s spun me a story in his email and wants to back it up. Unfortunately, this won’t last forever and he will soon revert back to his previous behaviour.

It has also come to my attention that he is ignoring specific medical advice I gave him regarding one of our children, when he specifically told me he would follow it. It’s not life threatening to our child, but it’s important. He is also making demeaning comments about my parenting to our children.

The sad reality of this is not only that our children are caught in the middle, but also that he accuses them of lying. He doesn’t respect our children and would easily lie to save his own skin.

I’ll be contacting all of the organisations you mention as I really feel I need lots of support with this. I kept silent about the abuse when we were together which made it so much harder to prove. I won’t make that mistake again.

HE, your words could easily describe my ex! I’ll take a look at your threads.

Thank you xx

[Strube]

Hey,

I rang the nspcc this morning and got some advice. It’s not illegal to smack your child, however you cannot use an instrument to do so, smack them about the head or leave a mark on their body. I personally find this sickening. The nspcc were a great help however and I now know what I’m going to do about the information my children gave me.

Strube xx

[Strube]

Thank you for your replies. I’m not sure speaking to the police will help as it’s not technically illegal to smack your child. Our kids are coping well, but they’re confused by their dads behaviour towards them.

[Strube]

Serenity I love this. You are an incredibly strong and inspirational woman x

[Strube]

It’s good to know we’re not alone in this. I’ve just ordered that book, what do you think of it?

I think the behaviour may be confusion. In our home there are routines, boundaries, love, affection and respect. At their father’s house it’s the opposite.

I had expected the kids to play up after coming back from contact, but they seem to settle back into our routine pretty smoothly. The issue is always before they go, which has stumped me.

My impression is that they enjoy going to their father’s house because they can do what they want and get spoiled with gifts, but they don’t actually want to see their father.

[Strube]

I’m in a similar position to you Bridget, except we no longer live with him. Our eldest, who is in primary school, is becoming increasingly physically and verbally abusive towards me and his younger sibling. He has also started picking on children who play locally to us. He lacks empathy and I fear he will grow up to be like his father.

How do we show them their behaviour is unacceptable, when they see no problem with what they’re doing? My son claims to be a victim of me(!) when I put my foot down and hold him accountable for his behaviour. I’m pulling my hair out trying to teach him right from wrong and I’m getting no where. He now refuses to listen to me and insists that he go to live with his father!

[Strube]

Thank you. Reading all of your responses has got me through a difficult couple of days. I’m feeling much stronger today.

Silky, when my ex starting having contact with our children again, he told me that he loved and missed our children and wanted to be a big part of their lives…saying things that I imagine a real, loving father would say. I’m not ashamed now (I was after it happened) to admit that I softened towards him and genuinely believed what he was saying. I thought he had changed. I was pleased for our children. Sadly, less than a week later he proved it was all lies. I felt sick to my stomach for allowing him to fool me again. It was a tough lesson for me, but I’m glad it happened because it finally opened my eyes to his manipulative ways and I can protect myself better now with that knowledge.

He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and he underestimates me. I can, and will, play the long game.

[Strube]

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have posted that here. I’ve had a couple of bad days with him and I needed to vent – I should have put it in my journal.

I have a support network, but I haven’t seen my counsellor this week and I think it’s starting to take its toll.

I’m sorry x

[Strube]

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Towards the end of my relationship with my abuser I would say things that I knew may provoke him, but they were truthful and never justified physical abuse. I had to stand up for myself, I had seen through his lies and refused to accept them anymore. He of course hated it. Looking back this was a very dangerous thing to do so I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

If it helps you to view him as a victim there is no shame in that. I believe my ex is a product of his upbringing, and I am sad for the little boy he once was. However, that doesn’t give him, or any abuser, an excuse to harm another person.

Recovering is a long process and the guilt you feel is a natural response to the abuse you have been a victim of. It is common for an empath to blame themselves. These feelings you have aren’t permanent, and they will pass.

Stay strong. You may cost him some money and hurt him, but his actions are the reason you’re having to do this. He could have walked away before laying a finger on you. I teach my children that bad choices result in consequences. Your ex made a bad choice when he abused you (and yes it was a choice, you didn’t make him do it), now he must face the consequences of his actions.

You’re doing amazing xxx

[Strube]

Thank you for your replies.

He is definitely reeling them in. He feeds them sweets and junk food, lets them stay up late watching films, allows them to play on the games console all day and there are no rules so they can basically behave how they choose. They obviously enjoy this.

However, they have also described how their father doesn’t show them any affection or spend time playing with them. He also fails to treat them equally. I get the impression he is doing the bare minimum for them. Although young, I think they can see past his “Disney Dad” behaviour, especially as they come home to a stable, loving and consistent home with myself and my partner.

I am keeping a very close eye on him. He is starting to slip up with regards to the court order and is beginning to show his true colours. Sadly, although I have evidence of this, it is not enough for me to take him back to court and have the contact order amended.

My counsellor has advised me that my ex is likely to “up his game” when he sees that I am not affected by his behaviour and things may get worse. However, I’m hopeful that when he realises he can no longer hurt myself and our children, that he will get bored and move on to a new supply.

[Strube]

This is a very distressing time for you. You’re anxious that your ex won’t return your children.

I must urge you to seek legal advice from a family solicitor, experienced in domestic abuse cases ideally. Most solicitors offer an initial free half hour. Rights of Women are also very useful and can give you legal advice over the phone.

I assume your children live with you and there are no court orders in place with regards to how much time the children spend with their father? If so, you can refuse his request to take your children abroad. In this instance, he would have to apply to the court for permission to take them abroad. If he takes them without your permission, it’s abduction In this instance I recommend you apply for the passports so that he can’t and you keep them somewhere safe, where he can’t find them.

You can also apply for an emergency court order to stop your ex taking your children out of the country until the court has heard your case. You would need strong evidence that he may not return them, to back you up.

I imagine this is a very daunting situation for you, but please don’t be intimidated into doing what he wants. You have rights too.

Stay strong.

Strube
X

[Strube]

Hi Nikenikenkie,

If your ex has parental responsibility, then he is allowed to apply for passports for your children.

Do you have concerns that he will remove your children from the country and not return them? If so, I urge you to seek legal advice.

I applied for passports for our children (we have no plans to go abroad) so that I had them in my possession – my ex is the kind of person to use the passports to control and manipulate me.

Are you in a position to apply for passports before your ex does? You don’t need his authorisation to do so. If you can, it will stop your ex taking your children without your say so, and also give you a little more control over the situation.

Strube
X

[Strube]

You’re not failing my lovely. You are surviving. Leaving your abuser was an incredibly brave thing to do. It’s normal to feel the way you do. It’s very likely that as well as grieving the loss of your relationship, you may be experiencing ptsd. Have you spoken to your GP?

I left my abuser (detail removed by moderator) ago and I still have days when I think about him. I also have children with him, so I’ll always be connected to him through them. I won’t lie to you, It’s not easy but you’ll get through it. You are strong. You survived the abuse, you escaped, you have ensured the safety of your children.

My children have heard me cry, and I felt the same way you do. Sadly we can’t protect them from everything, so please don’t punish yourself. Children are very resilient. Tomorrow is another day, give them a big squeeze and tell them you love them.

Strube X

[Strube]

All abusers are the same. I suppose we should take that as a small mercy – it means we will always be one step ahead of them.

I get very cross and frustrated with the family courts. Why aren’t abusers forced to abide by contact orders??

[Strube]

Hi Serenity,

It is taking every ounce of strength I have not to talk negatively about their father in front of them. I had hoped that he might be able to do the same. He is pathetic. I am hopeful that the children will see him for what he is, I just worry that he is going to try and manipulate them against me.

[Strube]

Thank you for your kind words. I was so afraid that I would be judged as selfish and jealous.

KIP: How did you stop yourself thinking about your abuser and his new girlfriend? Was it by going no contact? I had blocked him on all social media but for some stupid reason I looked on there the other day (after months of blocking). I thought I would see it plastered with pictures of him and our children, but there was no evidence of them! Just pics of his travels and girlfriend. It’s like our children don’t exist. I have made a pact with myself to not look on there again as it’s just too painful.

I’m in counselling and it has helped me so much already – but I’ve not yet dealt with these feelings about my abuser because I’ve never felt like this before. I feel that if I acknowledge this, it’s almost like I’m saying that I’m not over him? I don’t love him anymore, but surely he shouldn’t be taking up this much headspace so long after we split?

Healthyarchive:You’re right. Nobody knew what our relationship was like because we both kept his abuse hidden from our friends and family. At first I did it out of naivety (I didn’t know he was abusing me), towards the end it was out of shame…he was protecting his image as a wonderful partner and father and I was enabling him by keeping silent. Also, because I often stood up for myself, he would accuse me of being abusive.

There were lots of people who openly said to me that we seemed like the perfect couple. Some didn’t believe that he was abusing, my mother included. Even with knowing all this, I don’t trust the truth of abuse – it’s insidious. why do we still blame ourselves so long after leaving them?

“All that glitters is not gold” I must remember that. I find that with social media nowadays, it’s so much easier for our abusers to convince the world (and themselves I suppose) of their “perfect” life. I think I’m hoping for proof that he’s not as happy as he seems. I would really like to not let what he’s doing determine my happiness and sense of peace. I suppose this is something I will achieve over time.

Strawberry shortcake: How awful for you Strawberry. It’s crazy how many people believe their lies isn’t it?

I also believe an abuser doesn’t change, but I’m so conflicted after hearing the Judge and professionals involved in our case express their belief and praise that he is remorseful and a changed man. I often think I’m the crazy one for thinking he’ll never change, when all the professionals clearly disagree with me. I’m left feeling like I did when I was in a relationship with him – like I’m making it all up in my head.

Falling Skys: It helps to read of your friend’s experience. It must have been a very traumatic time for her. I hope that my children will one day understand how much I love them and have always wanted the best for them. I may not be able to buy them everything they want, but I will be there for all the little things – the things that seem un-important to their father. The things I hope will mean more to them than toys and gadgets. I have hope that they will grow into confident adults, undisturbed by that trauma of their early years and their unreliable father.

I’ve just got stay strong and believe that I am a good person, mother and partner.

Strube x

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