Sunflowersunshine

[Sunflowersunshine]

Thanks for the kind responses. xx

[Sunflowersunshine]

Hi Bluetac1, I don’t have a specific answer to your question. I’m really sorry that you’re experiencing that. It’s not okay. A relationship where you are left feeling crazy, uncertain and the general feeling that something is off is normally a red flag.

I earnestly can see the view that a current mental health struggle might have amplified your partners reactions. That does not make it right for you to be on the receiving end of that. Especially if he has gone to professional help, then he make need more focused assistance with coping mechanisms and how to handle his own emotions and moods.

Something like that never justifies abuse. Nothing ever justifies abuse. Nothing also makes the abuse less abusive. What you are feeling is valid, and your worry and concern for your partner even when you’re being treated in such a manner shows your true character. You are not wrong for feeling like you do not want to stay. I hope this helps even a little.
SS xx

[Sunflowersunshine]

Hi,
I come from a country where weed is legal. And I think we often have preconcieved ideas. In some countries specific over the counter headache medication is illegal. I don’t think is a bad thing. But I think the fear of using it and getting in a country where you cannot get it free, safely and legally creates it’s own boundaries and limitations in an often, as by your description, an already restrictive unbalanced environment. I also come from a country where Dr visits are really expensive. I think there are really accessible options for you to explore with your GP that give direct access to treatment to help with what your main daily concern is, getting good effective rest.

I think exploring a “safe legal routes or options” with your GP would really give you what you want which is autonomy over your own life and body which currently your partner is taking that from you in a controlling way.

And I hope you don’t feel reliant on your partner. Yes, they may be working. There are many social support systems here to assist you in your journey, discuss your specific options available. Or to be a good listening ear and kind person in tough moments. Wishing you all the best. xx

[Sunflowersunshine]

This was really beautifully put. I’m really sorry for what you had to go through. But it’s really encouraging to know there is hope. Thank you for your words.

[Sunflowersunshine]

Hey Pink Velvet,

I’m really unsure. My viewpoint would be as you said there is no excuse for the abuse you received. And I think they are two separate issues. You can feel empathetic for someone going through something. And not view them as your favourite person. If your ex’s favourite goldfish died and you knew they’d be sad you can feel empathy and acknowledge it’s not your place to support them. Just like you have had to find or redevelop new support systems outside of that relationship, your ex can and will do so too.

You are not responsible, and never would have or will be responsible for their actions. You are kind and wonderful for being considerate, kind and empathetic and ultimately that should be your takeaway that have such a strength in such wonderful qualities that you can now invest those talents elsewhere in your life.

Sending well wishes and encouragement.

[Sunflowersunshine]

Good luck. Sending you all the hope and strength you need in this change.

[Sunflowersunshine]

That’s amazing! So glad it wasn’t a bad experience too!

[Sunflowersunshine]

So I should just end the relationship?
I don’t get it.
I get out and left something also. Why leave something that is good?

[Sunflowersunshine]

I have similar conversations. Especially justifying why I left to people I would never actually tell why I left. I was the bad person wholeft one day a kind loving man. He was kind and loving to everyone else but me. I think there’s nothing wrong if those conversations are a venting space but I know I have to try really hard to actively be in the now. Whenever I look back I spiral and the same with looking forward. I have to actively reflect that I’m safe and happy now. And that helps ease those conversations from playing in my head. But they still do. And I think I want to play them out so I “win” not him. Which as you said it feels like my ex did win. When that’s not true.

[Sunflowersunshine]

Yeah it’s boundaries in dating by Cloud and Townsend. It’s a little religious in some parts for me. But I’ve never asserted boundaries while I’m dating but as they say in the book creating boundaries can apply for any type of relationship yyou have. I think there may be purity culture bits to come. But the base writing is appealing so far. I don’t want to actively recommend it, because I may not finish it, but I’m enjoying it so far. 😂

[Sunflowersunshine]

I had never thought it was abuse so I was never going to leave. Shortly after we married he started talking about being physical and that he (detail removed by moderator). He never laid a finger on me like that. But those phrases were the massive red flag. I called my family and they were shocked. And I told them I was getting out and they said, (detail removed by moderator). I would have stayed if it had started getting physical probably but the talking about it so casually was off. I’m really grateful it never got there.

Maybe I should make that phrase he said a motivational poster. Whenever I remember it, it reminds me that I wasn’t the bad guy. I know I wasn’t perfect but I know I wasn’t the abuser.
Thank you for your response that really helped me frame it again in my head.

[Sunflowersunshine]

That makes sense. I think I’m so used to being the bad guy it’s hard to imagine otherwise.

[Sunflowersunshine]

This post was so well written and articulated thoughts I often feel too. Thank you for sharing.

[Sunflowersunshine]

That makes sense. Thank you.

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