survivr

[survivr]

My husband spent some time with us recently as it was a family occasion that we both had to attend. He was lovely to everyone. No snide comments, just a really decent normal man.
The next day he asks whether we could have a family day out some time in the future and also whether i’d go out with him at some point!
He’s making no attempt at changing yet thinks all he has to do it spend one day playing the normal man and i’ll forget what he’s like after a few month’s!
I know he’s not an idiot! so the answer is, he thinks i’m an idiot! And I have been many times in the past :'( So why shouldn’t he think that all he has to do is win me over with a meal and a family day out?
I don’t even bother talking to him about the abuse anymore because I know he will never change!

[survivr]

He’s not living happily ever after and the new one is definitely not living in happily ever after land. She’s being abused probably without realising it. The tactics he tried and tested out on you are being used on her now. Yes, he’s also giving her a great time but only whilst abusing her. He’s not gone and changed overnight for her, why would he? Abuse is what he feeds on, he needs to abuse and if he can’t abuse her he’ll move on.
You are rebuilding your life and you are more relaxed now. This is just a set back x

[survivr]

It’s very hard to realise that they don’t love you isn’t it? My abuser used to tell me thousands of times a day how much he loved me but still continued the abuse. He just needed reassurance that I loved him. When I split up with him last time he went on an abuser programme and was hostile towards me all the time. I loved him so much and really thought that the programme would force him to see that what he was doing was abusive but it didn’t. He’s never going to see that.
A lot of literature on domestic abuse says anger management courses don’t work for abusive men. I can see why because abusers are not angry, they just use anger to manipulate us. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t see any need to.
He’s not going to lovebomb you like other abusers do because he knows you’ll be begging him to come back once, in his eyes, you come back to your senses. Give him time and yes, he’ll probably start to love bomb you. He does want you back, he needs you to feed his ego.

[survivr]

Hi Citrine,

Where are you now in your moving out?

[survivr]

Do you think that you could block his messages coming through? It’s really hard as we’ve been conditioned to listen to them so that we can respond to it in a way that will keep them happy. And we love them so much. When they are being loving there’s nothing in the world that can compare to it. But on the other hand when his abuse starts there’s nothing in the world to compare to that.
Would it help if you were to start to write down all the horrible things he’s done and said over the years you were together?

[survivr]

Just remember how well he knows you when you speak to him. He is being all rational now to confuse you. Yes, he’ll probably offer to help you as he knows that’s one way that he can get his foot in the door. He’ll come and you’ll have a wonderful day together and you’ll realise how much you miss him. But as soon as he’s back he’ll be back to his normal abusive behaviour :'(

[survivr]

Yes, he is trying to manipulate you by being nice to you. That’s the usual abuser tactic to win you around. It’s worked in the past for him so he’ll use it again. I’m beginning to think that abusers are actually quite lazy in their abuse of us, mine certainly is. He uses the same tactics time and time again. He’s too lazy to see that i’ve seen through him and know, before he does, what tactic he’ll use this time.

Mine is not contacting me at the moment. He thinks i’ll contact him to make sure he’s okay. When I don’t he’ll be back in contact with me. It will be angry because i’ve been ignoring him and not considering his feelings. I’ll ignore that. I don’t know what he’ll do then, probably start to love bomb me but as we’ve never got to this point before I don’t actually know for sure but most abusers do that so he’ll probably use that tactic.

Don’t let your guard down. What tactics has he used in the past when you’ve acted like this before? What can you do differently this time? Do you think you can just ignore it?

[survivr]

Yes, you can do this! You can reconnect with old friends. A couple of years ago I got in touch with an old school friend and found out she was in the exact place as me. I still remember jokingly saying to her we’ll still be here (in this situation) in 10 years time. Then we looked at each other in disbelief that yes, actually, we both could be. I was determined then that I wouldn’t but I still took him back.

Now i’m alone again but not lonely. Last time I was but in that last break up I did gain strength and learnt to stand on my own two feet so knew I could do it again. On our last family holiday I tried something, that he always did for us, and loved it, that really gave me confidence in myself. And gives me the confidence to I know I will be able to do the same thing on other family holidays without him. He was the one in control over this thing and loved having it, it has caused a few issues over the years but the knowledge that I can do it gives me so much strength.

Last time I wanted to keep contact with him, I wanted to know what he was up to but this time I don’t want to know and when he deleted me from his friends list in a fit of jealousy I have not re-added him because I don’t want to know what he’s up to and I don’t want to have to cope with his jealousy when he see’s what i’ve been up to. The only contact I want is to do with the kids. It’s a relief to feel this way and I wish I knew how i’d got to this point because then I could tell you what steps to take so that you too could stop thinking about how he is.

I suppose it’s the conditioning that they do. They condition us to think only of how they feel but I no longer worry about how he feels. I know he’s feeling sorry for himself, only thinking about himself, I don’t need him to tell me or show me that.

I now look forward to a bright shiny future. It doesn’t scare me like it did last time. I’ve seen him for the abuser he is, I know without a doubt, now, that he’s not going to change, ever! Do you still believe that yours might change? That if you do this, or that, that he might change?

I think the knowledge that he’s never going to change is what is giving me strength this time around. The knowledge that there’s nothing I can do or say that will convince him to change. I’ve stopped thinking about how to convince him because I know it won’t work, he doesn’t see that his abuse of me is wrong because he doesn’t see it as abuse. He see’s that he has the right, he has the justification for continuing to abuse me. That’s exactly how your abuser thinks too

[survivr]

If you feel like it’s starting already then it is. It’s not based on feelings though it’s come from his treatment of you. He has conditioned you to accept his abuse, he thinks it’s normal and has convinced you that its normal. Those “little things” you mention are all abusive actions.

He see’s your return as you accepting that he can continue to abuse you. You can scream at him till you are blue in the face but he will never see or accept that what he’s doing is abusive. What he see’s is his right to treat you exactly as he wants to. After all, to him, if you didn’t like or want it why would you be there? He see’s that he is fully justified in acting the way he does, if you hadn’t done or said something then he’d not have needed to have embarresed you when you were out, why would he then say sorry? His justification is that you caused it so you need to say sorry! Twisted but that’s exactly how his thinking is.

You’ve told him that it has to stop and that this is his last chance?

He hasn’t stopped and you’ve given him a load more chances… What more does he have to do before you can justify it to yourself to leave again?

I’ve done what you are doing. I took my abuser back and mostly it was fine and for quite a while. But this past little time he’s ramped it up. After two seperate occasions I told him that it wasn’t acceptable and that i’d had enough. I gave him an ultimatum that he had to be back on or at the least signed up to course for abusive men within two weeks. I asked him why I was annoyed at him and he justified his actions to me and when I told him he was wrong and why, he then attempted to divert my attention away from what he’d done wrong by steering the conversation away from it. I told him to stop. I saw and recognised what he was doing. He was not happy about it and went off to bed.

The next day I realised that he had no intention of changing. He never even mentioned changing as all he saw was that he was justified in his actions and if I hadn’t caused it in the first place it wouldn’t have happened! That decided me and, very recently, I told him to leave. He tried to convince me to let him stay but he never said that he was sorry, that he’d change or try to get back on an abuser programme. If he’d have recognised his abuse it may have been different but he would never see it as abuse because in his eyes he was justified.

He’s gone and the tension that surrounds him has disappeared. When my children come and talk to me I can finally hear them without my mind racing off worrying over something to do with him. My mind is still full of him but it’s more a repeat of he’s not going to change and going over the ‘proof’of it.

Please phone woman’s aid. I don’t know that I need to this time but the help they gave me last time has not been forgotten and was recalled to help me this time. What also helped was reading my diary from our last break up as it helped me see that he’d not changed before and was not going to this time either. After the first recent occasion I found a great piece on wiki on psychological abuse and the two words manipulation and control lit up in blue. I clicked on them and they, too, helped me to express what he was doing to me. So when we got to talking about the last two occasions I sat there listening to him and I could clearly see what he was doing.

xx

[survivr]

You are so right that the best thing to do is to ignore his call. He WILL make you feel bad if you talk to him. Don’t feel guilty, you are not hurting him – he’s the one doing that by choosing to abuse you. He has the choice to not abuse yet he chose abuse and he feels no guilt at that.

Stay strong xx

[survivr]

Well done, you’ve done the “easy” part and now comes the hard part.

He’s spent time making you dependent on him. You question who’s going to do all the things that you relied on him to do. He’s made you think that only he can do them, no-one else can, you couldn’t!

That’s a lie to keep you dependent on him. So jobs need doing. You will either do them yourself, ask/pay someone else to do them or leave them undone. My partner did so much for me that I was very dependent on him but I do the jobs now or they get left undone because I can’t afford to pay someone else lol. It’s actually quite liberating to attempt a task and make a success of it 🙂

Remembering “The good times” are harder to get through. We remember only the good times, that special day spent on the beach and forget how he was in a bad mood the whole day and everyone had to tiptoe around him until suddenly he brightened up and we were allowed to have a fun half an hour but checked on his mood the whole time in case we triggered his bad mood off again.

Do you keep a diary or even write down his abuse? I’ve found it helps to focus on the “bad times”.

Also when you’re remembering the good times it helps to ask yourself “If the good times were so good why did I need him to leave?”

You need to reach back out to your family and friends, i’m sure they’d be happy to help you stay away from him and keep coming on here. We’ve been there and know how you feel

[survivr]

Yes, he is playing games with you. Messing with you and watching the impact it has on you gives him immense satisfaction. If you weren’t so scared of him and what he’s saying you’d see it on his face.

No. i didn’t think he’d move out either. He was being reasonable and acting normal because he knew that would mess with your mind.

Why do you need to tell him that you’re moving out? You feel like you should do the decent thing. He’s not decent, he can ACT as if he is but if he was a decent man why would you even contemplate leaving him?

He will come and see your daughter, that’s the perfect time to continue the abuse! When he’s saying he won’t do this or you won’t be able to do that he’s manipulating you into staying. My abuser did exactly that when (this is very recent) he was packing his stuff. I was crying at the time and didn’t say anything to any of it, which is the best thing to do. I saw it as him manipulating me into saying he could stay. He wasn’t saying anything about his abuse of me – the very reason I told him to go – If he had things would have been different.

You said you know this is a tactic to make you stay but he’s getting into your head and making you doubt your decisions? Yes, it is a tactic. One he’s tried and tested over the years and knows will work!

You wish he would be reasonable and discuss things properly? We all do but he isn’t reasonable and when you discuss his abuse he justifies it and turns it around to you being in the wrong and you end up comforting him or saying you’re sorry. Then you are left feeling bewildered but knowing that something is very wrong in what happened.

He suspected that you may leave earlier and was there to prevent it. Don’t tell him that you’re leaving! Let him believe that you are staying or tell him that actually he is the one who has to leave then arrange a day when someone can come and collect you and all your stuff. Pay a removal company if you have to and yes, take his money but deny any knowledge of it!

Your argument today was, in his eyes, your fault so, yes, you will feel guilty. He didn’t see what you were trying to say did he? He didn’t get it, won’t ever get it, whatever you do to try to make him get it he’s never going to because in his eyes, he’s not at fault – you are! This is the part that you now have to get! When you realise that he’s never going to change, there’s nothing you can say or do to change him it will become easier.

Until you leave watch his expressions and listen to what he’s saying first before reacting. You will see him feign disbelief that he could actually be capable of what you’re saying. He will justify his abuse of you. He will steer the conversation away from your complaint and around to how you should feel guilty. When he’s shouting at you he’s not angry he’s in complete control of the situation and is ensuring he will get out of it without answering your question. Once he’s steered the conversation away from the subject you’ve then missed how he’s not actually answered your original complaint. And then he leaves you feeling guilty. He’s just done that this time, hasn’t he? You don’t know whether he’s been facebooking other people because he’s neither denied or answered it.

How is he feeling after that same confrontation? Is he feeling guilty? No, because he’s not at fault you are!

Of course he wants another baby. It’s another way to trap you. And he’s also just told you that you do not have the right to make that decision! Is that what reasonable people do when you say you don’t want another baby, they listen to you and then respect that decision. He has no respect for you and doesn’t see that you have any right to have any say in what happens to your body.

He’s just threatened you with telling you he’s going to divorce you to stop you leaving him. And he won’t be splitting anything down the middle because i’ve yet to hear of an abuser ever having done so before. They like the game they are playing when it comes to divorce. Take everything you can now because he’ll ensure you are left with nothing!

You feel so confused and feel so guilty about everything because he’s made you feel that, he’s conditioned you to feel that. Abusers see us as their puppets on strings to play with. If he pulls that string then we’ll do that and if he pulls this one then we’ll do that

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