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Hello QuietGiraffe,
I understand how you feel. I would suggest that you take things slowly and understand your own healing process, so you don’t repeat patterns. I also could tell you from self-experience that I struggled to fit in a relationship because I thought I wasn’t worth being with, or that guys will look at me just to spend the time, but for nothing serious as my ex- made me believe. I reflected these insecurities in my current relationship and it didn’t go well, also sometimes I didn’t believe we will stay that long and he realized it, also other moments I got angry from nowhere or frustrated at my previous relationship, other times I compared him with my ex, when he did a little mistake, and he had to stand those situations. He has been a very understanding guy, but I decided to give us a break because I realized I wasn’t ready and I haven’t healed properly. Then, we started talking again because, he understood I needed a break, and if he is the right one I guess he should understand that I am not ok now and later we can give it a try if we are both committed to it. Hope this helps and I wish you the best.

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I understand completely your feelings. I have spoken to my therapist and maybe you can use it as well in a way to heal. She told me that I had also mistakes but none of them are compared to the abuse that I received from him and how he kept humiliating me after I left, how he lied to everyone about me. So maybe keep this in mind that you guys must have arguments like most couples do, but the abuse came from his side and you should stay strong and continue this report to respect yourself and recognize what he did is bad for you and you won’t let this happen again with anybody else.

So I am taking my therapist’s words into consideration and acknowledge the situation every day more to what really happened to me and this should not be underestimated, I know that she is 100% right and I am strong and soon I will find the strength to continue this report.

Hope this can help you. A big hug.

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Hello Dobedo,
I understand completely what you are going through. I have spoken to my therapist and maybe you can use it as well in a way to heal. She told me that I had also mistakes but none of them are compared to the abuse that I received from him and how he kept humiliating me after I left, how he lied to everyone about me. So maybe keep this in mind that you guys must have arguments like most couples do, but the abuse came from his side and you should stay strong and continue this report to respect yourself and recognize what he did is bad for you and you won’t let this happen again with anybody else.
I had exactly the same feeling, I have reported him to the police but not taken the case further and didn’t show any evidence because I am afraid what would happen after. He also told me that I was the abusive one and YES! The Johny Depp/Amber case also has been on my mind a lot. I don’t want to be in the middle of all that.
So I am taking my therapist’s words into consideration and acknowledge the situation every day more to take courage and send the evidence, but I know that she is 100% right and I am strong and soon I will find the strength to continue this report.

Hope this can help you. A big hug.

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Hello KIP,

Thanks for reading my text and your advice. I really appreciate it.

Yes, I have blocked him; I also asked his family to make sure, he blocks me. I didn’t want to have more contact with him. So, I haven’t received any messages from him during the divorce process; which is good because it helps me heal but at the same time I still have all those thoughts.
I started to write a journal but I stopped because every time I write, I just end up crying, and it kind of ruins my whole day; but you are right, I should do it again.

Yes, my therapist is trained in that; and she helped me to realised that I was abused before I couldn’t even talk about it. Thanks for asking.

I just wanted to do the divorce as soon as possible, so I just divorced because we separated and also because he was not going to accept any of the abuse, and I don’t want to be divorcing him for a long time. I just wanted to be done. But yes, I did put a police report. So my lawyer advised me, that after the divorce, I could carry on with the investigation, once I am calmer and I have already sorted out the divorce papers. He said that I can divorce him, but I still have the right to defend myself after. I felt this was the best decision to deal with one thing at a time.

I am still doubting to continue with the report tho because I am scared to say it all again, his family was not really understanding, and excused his son. Probably because of what you say, that he lied about me to discredit me so they wouldn’t believe what he did. I am scared because I think they would want to hurt me or discredit me even more.

Oh, that is great to know. Would Women’s aid be able to advise me regarding the police report?

Thank you so much again for your text. I really needed to read this and feel supported.

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Hello,
I am new to this forum. Thank you very much for sharing this.

What is my abuser like?
He is extremely jealous, he got in fights a couple of times. We were talking in a group and a guy told him that he is so lucky to have a wife like me that likes (detail removed by Moderator). Next, he attacked him. Bouncers came and took him out of the place.
He pretends with others that he is so emphatic with other cultures; that he travels to my home country a lot, he loves it and he loves the food, the places, and people. But when we are at home, he says that (detail removed by Moderator) are lazy, corrupted, that is dangerous there; that there are many criminals; he has even insulted my family and me.
He pretends to be caring, thoughtful, and sincere. He always says to everyone that he loves me and knows the best for me.
People used to think he is very possessive but that he loves me and maybe he is just not controlling it well but he is a nice guy.
He asked me to lie for him; if he pushed me or did something bad; he asked me to go for dinner with his family and not say anything. That will make them really sad, and it would be my fault.
He is not all bad all of the time, we had many good moments and he was sometimes apologetic when he was mean.
He can be very kind and thoughtful, funny and charming. Those times make me forget what he has done or maybe to believe that he could change.
He is good looking e and he knows it, but he always makes sure that I boost his ego and I don’; would accuse me that I find another man attractive.
He is not sociable and neither talkative, he has not many friends.
He is a hard-working person but he often compares his achievements with others.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
If he doesn’t like my friends he goes into another room and is antisocial. Some friends had to stop visiting us and asked me not to invite him out because he ruins the time. They can sense the atmosphere
I don’t feel relaxed. I am tense and watchful.
If someone arrives, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash although a couple of times he let slip and friends saw true colours.
He pretends to be apologetic, he always says he is the worse and then a minute after he blames for it. That I made him like this.
He is entitled and will give others he thinks inferior a really hard time, but attacks others when they say something about him.
He future fakes all the time, talking about all the wonderful things we will do that never happen. I love it when he talked like this it makes me feel he loved and appreciate that we can actually build a future together. He talked about having kids, buying the perfect house, traveling to my country, and buying a beach house there as well. But again he gets frustrated and blames me, that if we can’t do it is my fault.
He needs constant praise and I have to thank him profusely for every little thing he does to avoid the sulks.
He harbours grudges against others, sometimes for years, and will plot and scheme to get what he wants.
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard, he says I said or did things I didn’t and on different days/times.
He gaslights and manipulates. He tells me I am crazy that I exaggerate things.
He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough but instead of discussing it, he sulks or gives me the silent treatment.
He says I think I am cleverer than him and he criticizes my tendency to overthink everything as dull
He minimizes my feelings as unimportant and illogical
He criticizes me in private but backs me in public
He used to call me names, stating that I am fat or foreign or sth.
He sulks but then says it’s me and I should look at my behavior.
He tells me there is something wrong with me, that I am damaged because my parents separated.
He tells me that I am incapable of having a normal relationship; that my whole family is a bunch of weirdos.
He told me that I have abused him and took advantage of his love.
He sends abusive messages.

He is always accusing me of
Cheating on him
Making him a monster.
All the did, it was because he didn’t feel loved and he loved me a lot.
Being unloyal, he actually wrote my mom saying this.
Being damaged, because I had a hard childhood.
Being damaged, because my father cheated on my mom.
Not appreciating his love and how he took care of me and my mom.
Being irresponsible
Being violent
Being abusive
Being out of control
Being selfish
Putting my friends and family first.
Not looking after him properly, neglecting him or his needs
Doing the wrong thing, whatever I do
Being stupid/crazy/mad
Being slutty
Being clumsy
Being depressed or mentally ill
Being a spoiled little girl.

Emotions
He manipulated me a lot, he told me that he is alone he doesn’t have many friends and that I should focus more on him.
He used to tell me that nobody would want to marry me and that I should be lucky he wants me. That I should not look at anybody else.
When I cry and complained about his behavior, he tells me he is having a hard time and that I caused it.
He cried, he felt bad of what he has become and is very sensitive about it but he blames me again.
He always attacked me with messages but after begged me to never leave him.

Control
He controlled what I wear; he liked me to wear attractive and revealing clothes but only when he was around. I could never go out like that alone.
He says all other men are perverts and are looking at me; that they want to steal me.
I don’t feel I can speak freely on the phone to my friends in front of him, he always listens and comments. Sometimes I spoke in (detail removed by Moderator) with my friends, and he pretended that he understood and asked me if I was speaking with them about him; what did I SAY?
He constantly questions me and tries to ‘catch me out’. He says he wants to understand, he gets me to repeat and if I can’t remember details he says I am lying
If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me or threaten to tell others
He doesn’t like many of my friends and asked me to stop contacting them.
He will manipulate the truth even if it contradicts what he has just said.
He hides my bags, so I cannot leave; after when I left. He refused many times to give me my clothes back.
If I didn’t answer his calls or texts immediately he gets annoyed and accused me of being with someone else. He even asked me to send him a picture of the place I was.

Money
He always made me feel that I was a princess and that he spent a lot of money on me. I have always contributed to the house. Our parents understood we were a young marriage; so they also supported us. But he blamed me and told me that I embarrassed him in front of our parents because it is my fault that we need support from them.
He bought me presents and nice things on special dates, but later he rubbed it in my face and accused me of being superficial. I told him that I don’t need presents I just want us to be good; and then he said that I don’t appreciate him.
He brought us to debt; I paid half of it but he still accuses me of breaking his finances, that he is broken now. I don’t understand because I paid it for him.
He compared himself to others and told me that I am useless that I do not make as much as he does.
When I had an interview, where the salary was more than what he was earning. He told me, I was not going to get it.

Physical
He pushes and shoves, he tripped me up.
He grabbed my arm and pushed me several times to the sofa.
He was aggressive during (detail removed by Moderator), he pushed me and grabbed my arm in front of my friends. A friend had to step in front of it, so he could calm down. It was really embarrassing for me.
One time he did a mannerism that he will put a pillow on my face.
He punched guys because he accused them of flirting with me.
He shouts into my face.
He says I have been violent to him
He stops me from leaving a room by blocking the door

Sex
He was always too pushy and always questioned me why I didn’t want to have sex.
The worst thing he did is to almost force me to have sex with him, while he was on top of me, he opened my legs several times after I closed them, he opened them strongly hurting me and said ” (detail removed by Moderator)” and kept them open, I wanted to close them back and he was forcing them to be open. I was afraid that he was going to rape me or something, so I kicked him and run.
One time, I got drunk and start crying and told him in front of this friends that he should (detail removed by Moderator), that I did not want to go back with him; next day I felt bad I did all this scene, so I asked him if we could do something to make it better, he told me he wanted to do something specific, I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and that it hurt me, and he said..”(detail removed by Moderator)” So I continued.
We were (detail removed by Moderator), and we had to sleep (detail removed by Moderator) he asked me to masturbate him even though my parents were next door; I said that it was not appropriate and that I didn’t like it. He told me that it is clear that I enjoy sex more with other people; I didn’t want him to think that; so I did what he asked.
After those 3 incidents, I felt that things were just getting worse. I felt obligated to have sex.

Timeline
When I met him, I didn’t want a serious relationship. I was only (detail removed by Moderator), but then we were so in love and all went great. He was always possessive and jealous but I thought that he was too passionate, I did not see the red flags. After some time, things just got worse, he accused me of everything, even when I had eye contact with people, or if someone touches my shoulder when walking in a crowded place. I was blindly in love and I didn’t see more. I was not very open to my friends and I cut contact with many of them. Later when we got married, he made me feel less and he started to be more abusive. He told me that nobody would want to be with me as I am damaged. After the sexual incidents, I left him. I was destroyed because I still loved him but I was more scared. I went (detail removed by Moderator) and found a good job. He texted me for (detail removed by Moderator) years after I left. Accusing me of leaving him; embarrassing him in front of his family. He sent me naked pictures, asking me to come back but he was also telling me he had sex with some girls, but there were the second choices. He abused me mentally even after I left. He introduced someone to the family, but still blamed me for that even! That because I left he was forced to find someone. He never saw what he did and why I left. He kept abusing me after verbally, so I reported him to the police for the incidents I mentioned before.

Now?
I have filled out the divorce papers because I am disappointed and I confirmed that he never had any respect for women, and he was an abuser. I still feel very insecure sometimes, sometimes I doubt about the abuse he has done to me. I feel it is all a bad dream. I feel shy and scared to talk to my friends about it. My wider family doesn’t know about my divorce or that he was an abuser. However, he did tell all his family that I was a slut and that I abandoned him to travel the world. I am talking to a therapist and doing some reiki sessions. I feel I am getting slowly my confidence back but I still have nightmares. I feel I do 5 steps forward but then I remember everything and I take 4 backward. I feel that I will never get out of this. I also started a new relationship; and I want to end it because I feel broken. The guy is very supportive but I feel that I can’t do any good to someone right now. My memories are broken and I feel that even though I am just (detail removed by Moderator), my life is so messed up. I feel in some way, I am still bonded to him. I hope this feeling goes away and once the police report is done.

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I am so sorry to hear that you went through all that. You are strong and I am sure things will get better for both of us. It is shocking that someone that we married has little respect for our things and dares to threaten us with that, besides all the abuse that we stand. That is why I am doing the court claim, it was ok for me to do the amicable divorce because I wanted him out of my life, but not this. I will get this complaint until the end until I get what they have taken away from me, it is not the money or the things but the lack of respect they had. I wish you good luck and send you a big hug. We are strong.

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Thank you! I believe they do have a problem with me, maybe because I left their son and his abuses, was I supposed to stand all of it? Who knows? Thanks a lot. I hope this will be over soon.

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Hello KIP,
Thanks a lot for your comment, it really empowered me to do the report. I called the police last year but then I froze on what to do, I am still really scared on what the outcome is going to be. But you are right, even if he doesn’t get convicted, it is important just to make the statement and speak out on what happened.

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Dear Wiseafter,

Thanks a lot for your message. Yes, I will push to get one when I get legal advice. I am very far now, so he can’t come and he doesn’t know my address or anything. I do have screenshots and I have wrote a journal about what happened, would that be useful to show the police?
Well, when I asked for the divorce I was going to ask it for unreasonable behavior; and his dad called me and told me that things can be very ugly for me. I was shocked because it was not me who those things; he tried to intimidate me. I decided to divorced on the separation ground, so I don’t have to deal with that now; and I don’t have to put my family and me under an ugly divorce process. So, I am afraid they will turn things against me to protect him again. You are right, I will get more advice on professionals. Thanks a lot.

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Dear Braelynn,
Thanks a lot for your message. It makes me feel better and much calmer. I have left I am not at giving anyone my address. I feel safe. You are right, I should pursue that. I should get specific advice on how I can describe this situation better. I will take into consideration your advice. I just want this to be over.
Thanks again.

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