TowerOfSong

[TowerOfSong]

No-one has ever called him to account, Fridges, not when he was at school, university, workplaces. He was allowed to be the shouty boy, the shouty man, the shouty colleague who might throw computers if the computer had misbehaved (as well as always being in the right, he has a habit of investing inanimate objects with evil intent…). It has always been put down to him just being [made up name coming] “Oh well, that’s just Big Bad Bob being Big Bad Bob”. It was laughed off, or people kept out of his way, and back in the day, bullies at work were just the Boss being the Boss. And I put up with so much for many many years, partly because I was a silly cow, partly because I am actually quite nice and like putting myself out for people, putting myself second, and by the time the physical violence started, I had been with him and used to him and entangled with him for many many years.

So no-one has ever made him face up to his behaviour. Until I did.

ToS

[TowerOfSong]

Thank you both and apologise for taking so long to reply. It seems as though she – and the rest of the family – have gone ‘no contact’ with me. Oh well.

God life is tough.

xx

[TowerOfSong]

Do contact the police. You may be surprised how helpful they can be nowadays. And whatever happens next, it is good to have a record logged somewhere that you have been assaulted. You deserve to live a life free of fear. You are worth it, we are all worth it. It is so difficult to seek help, I really know, but the police can put you in touch with support agencies as well; people you can turn to when you are (understandably) low. You don’t have to put up with abuse and you don’t have to fear the consequence of speaking out. By speaking out we eradicate the shame, we call out our abusers, we call them to account, we break a taboo, and we open up the conversation that says, abuse of any kind will not be tolerated. It is hard to speak out, I know, but getting it all out in the open can be very empowering. Speak speak speak. You didn’t ask for this, you don’t deserve this, you didn’t make this happen. It is your abuser who must be shamed and called to take ownership of his violence. You can be stronger than him. I wish you very well.

Tower.

[TowerOfSong]

Thank you for your response KIP. I have been ok since yesterday, in that I have kept to my no contact and deleting texts. But I have been depressed today and feeling very distant from the world. But you are right about focusing on myself more. Perhaps valuing myself.

x

[TowerOfSong]

*abused* Damn you autocorrect

[TowerOfSong]

Hi Serenity
I would find it difficult to go no contact now. It would have been hard to start with but probably what I should have done. Now with time having elapsed since the big incident it would be almost impossible I fear. I know I am at risk of little by little normalising or minimising but I also have to bear in mind that he is trying, he is getting help and this could have been a watershed heralding a new time for us.
I recognise the phrase ‘cognitive dissonance ‘ and also the way the survival system after trauma can suggest that replaying or redoing the original trauma can make sense of it, redefine it, create a different outcome, or just confirm something. I know this happens in my traumatised mind. So it is hard to know which reality is the genuine one.
I don’t know what I will do long term. I really don’t. I do know that provoking or revisiting or contact other people who assumed me long ago would be stupid behaviour.

ToS

[TowerOfSong]

Hello Serenity
I want to acknowledge your valuable reply but I am going to respond at greater length tomorrow. My speediness is wearing off and I think I might sleep. But I do want to respond as you say so many thought provoking things.
Good night for now. It is good to have understanding out in cyberspace!

X

[TowerOfSong]

Hello Falling Skys

I am reconsidering things. I think I need to ask someone – ma in law, sisters in law etc – if it would be possible to have separate rooms. I don’t feel comfortable not having shared a room for several months. I’m aware though that the house will be full to bursting so this may not be an option. I sort of wonder why my ma in law would think it reasonable to expect me to share with him. She knows what he did. xx

[TowerOfSong]

Thank you Lisa. I will keep the Helpline number with me in case I need it. I am really not sure what is best, for me or for my daughter. I need to think a bit more about it. I will keep posting. It is good to be back here.

TowerOfSong

[TowerOfSong]

I understand what you are going through. No contact is so hard particularly when you have children. Not knowing whether or not they are better off with or without their father. We tie ourselves up in knots.

I think this dilemma is common, from what I am learning. Give yourself compassion. Self parent. These things are so difficult.

xx

[TowerOfSong]

Me too! Finally managed to log in. Felt a bit locked out of the house.

I’m finding it hard not to semi slide back into my relationship – particularly now it is Christmas. There is too much normality between us when actually nothing is normal.

I feel very blank about what my husband did to me a few short months ago but others whom I tell are horrified and, I think, horrified too by the way I talk dispassionately and far too reasonably about it. Feelings poke their heads up and then I am blank again.

Very tired.

TowerOfSong

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