Whendoesitend

[Whendoesitend]

UPDATE!

So after asking for some space REPEATEDLY he still didn’t give it to me. Texts,phone calls, phone calls to my friends etc.
He messaged me to say that he was going to go and stay at a friends house so that he wouldn’t have to be around his ex at his mothers house.
I was out with friends for the day and he messaged again saying that I should know the answer to if I want to continue the relationship or not already as we have been together for so long and that he was in so much pain and suffering with me needing this space to think. And saying “please just give me an answer” and that he was struggling so much and that he’s learnt from his mistakes and he promised to do right by me Nd that me better etc etc. Then he ended his message by saying that if he didn’t hear from me that he would assume the worst.
I didn’t reply. I mean I had asked for space to think about things and he didn’t allow me to have that space. Plus I didn’t really know what to say to him anyway.
So, the following day he text me again and ended the relationship. He said couldnt carry on like this and that it breaks his heart to think that we are not together any more and that he couldn’t cope with all the pain and suffering. But that he loves me very much and that he hopes one day we will end up back together.
I felt slight relief that he had said it, and that I didn’t have to make that decision any more and then torment myself for a long time afterwards wondering if I’d done the right thing etc. Obviously upset too but strangely calm. No tears as of yet. Almost numb.
It was about an hour later I started gettin* missed calls from him and texts saying that he didn’t want to end the relationship but that I had “made it pretty clear” h not replying to his earlier message that that is what I wanted. Again telling me how much he loves me etc . I didn’t reply.
Then more messages saying he didn’t want to lose me and that he promises he will change and please please would I give it another go. Let’s start a fresh etc. THEN a message saying that he was not breaking up with me and that he couldn’t bring himself to see it through and that he could not let me go. And that what he was going to do was leave me to have my space and make up my own mind what I wanted to do. And that he would be waiting for me.
During all of these there were a lot of missed calls to me and also my friends phone. Again I didn’t reply.
Then the next morning more messages of promises etc. I told him no. That he had said that it was over and that he shouldn’t have said something like that if he didn’t mean it. He called me again and started on again with the promises and that he had made a mistake by saying that it was over. But that it didn’t seem a big problem to me and that I “wasn’t bothered or upset” and that I’m “living the life of Reilly”. I responded to this by telling him not to EVER say I’m not bothered. And that he doesn’t get to say that after him not seeming bothered at all for so long! Again more phone calls and texts.i asked him why he suddenly seems bothered now,when during the relationship my feelings were repeatedly disregarded. He said that he hadn’t realised how much he loved me or how much it would affect him until now!! 😱
He then proceeded to suggest “going on a break” rather than completely splitting up. I told him that it was unfair of him to keep changing his mind all the time and that I didn’t like it and wasn’t prepared to put up with it any more. More phone calls and texts throughout the day. He also added all of the people who added me on facebook over the weekend which I thought was odd. Then he turned up at my workplace demanding that I made a decision!! That he needed to know where he stood and that he wanted to know where he stood?!?!
Again I repeated to him that he had already made a decision. He stayed and talked in circles for an hour! I left feeling really sad and unsettled by this. But he has agreed it’s over and said he won’t bother me any more. I felt awful. He was visibly upset. He then went on to say that if I was ever ill to please let him know and he wo7ld be straight there. I was gobsmacked by this as when I had the suspected heart attack he was at the pub with his friends!! He said some really nice things and it unnerved me slightly.
Sorry for the rant again. Just needed to get it all out.
Really unsure how I feel at the moment. Strangely calm. With pangs of sadness.

[Whendoesitend]

Thankyou maddog for your replies. I too rattle due to anti anxiety drugs But I’ve been on them a long time.
I’m so torn between my heart and my head. I know how he’s treated me isn’t right but I do love him. He has promised me he will change and work on his attitude etc etc and part of me really hopes this is true. I have heard it from him before only for him to revert to his old ways after a short amount of time. But still part of me hopes that this time he means it. 🙁

However. Since moving out of our house I am not allowed at his mothers house. This is due to an incident where she came to my house and was shouting and swearing in my face. I asked her to leave. Since that she had demanded that I apologise for making her leave after she had spoken to me like that.
My partner said that she had only acted like that as I had provoked her. Again not true. But he blamed me for it for a good few months after and would not stick up for me. Anyway, my partners mother Spends a lot of time with my partners ex (the mother of his children) and regularly invites her and the children round to her house. Bbqs,birthdays,Christmas, after school etc etc. I have told my partner that this does make me feel uncomfortable. I have never said he can’t be there. Just that it makes me uncomfortable. Anyway in the last little while (whilst “trying to make it up to me” for his behaviours) he has had family birthdays and bbqs with her there. I told him again that this makes me uncomfortable and he replied with “well you’re the one who wanted some space so don’t think you can tell me what to do when you don’t want to see me”.
Now I would never and have never told him what he can and can’t do. Only told him when certain situations make me feel uncomfortable.

[Whendoesitend]

He has also recently said that I should have “put my hand in my pocket” and pay some towards his debt as “when you’re in a relationship you should be there for each other and support each other”. Now baring in mind that his debt is money that he has run up buying things that he couldn’t afford. I had said to him that it was his debt and it was up to him to sort it out.
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[Whendoesitend]

Wow!! I just had to comment on this. All of your posts couldn’t have been written any better to explain exactly what is happening to me too.
I am so so glad that there are people who understand. It reassures me that I’m not crazy!
It does make me sad tho. These awful experiences have happened to all of you and far too many other people.
I’m so glad I have found this forum. As like many of you I have no one to talk to about this. I’m waiting for a counsellor. Fingers crossed for all of us that in time we will be completely free from it all. Hugs. X x x

[Whendoesitend]

Thankyou ladies for your replies. It’s so reassuring to know someone is listening.
Yes the news of the baby absolutely devastated me. I really thought it would be me and him. Sounds rediculous after all these years.
It’s comforting and somewhat sad when someone else’s story resonates with you. Sad that, in order to possibly understand one must have gone through similar themselves. Glad it helped you Emmlogan. 🙂 us ladies must stick together.

I think for me, to see that he is happy is very hard. He has a very successful business,lovely house, nice cars, a new partner, a baby, enough money to never have to worry about everything, a good social life, nice friends who have no idea what he can be like. Ugh. I know it’s wrong but I so wanted him to be truly miserable. It seems so unjust that I (and other ladies in my position) haven’t actually done anything wrong and yet are left feeling unfulfilled, unhappy, longing, missing their ex, left with anxiety, depression, ptsd , trauma bonding etc etc. And yet they get to move on with their lives and be happy. It just seems so wrong. 🙁

I have been very tempted to message him just to get into his head. He pestered me to get back with him for many years after I left. I want him to not be able to get me out of his head too so he can feel the discomfort that comes with it. Oh god I sound rediculous. I dardent talk to other people about this as I realise how crazy it sounds.

[Whendoesitend]

Hi. Thankyou so much for your reply. All of this in my head makes me feel so alone. People really don’t understand and get fed up of hearing it if u talk about it. At the moment I don’t have a therapist. I think I need to look into getting one. I’ve never really talked it all out and looked at it and dealt with my feelings. I’ve just kept myself busy from one thing to the next in order to try and block it out. I’ve been in my current relationship for quite a while but before this and after splitting from my abusive ex I went from one relationship to another so as not to give myself a space in my mind to think of him and how sad and confused I felt about it all. I truly never wanted to end the relationship with him. I loved him. I just wanted it to work. I realised I had to walk away when it started getting physical.
Finding a good counsellor who understands and has worked with domestic abuse is really hard. 🙁

[Whendoesitend]

Thankyou for you reply kip.

Where’s that excerpt from? It’s brilliant!!

I really hope this period of feeling down goes very soon. It’s been almost a decade since I left. I feel I should be “over it” by now. But clearly I’m not.
That hurt is right there in the pit of my stomach like a lead weight 🙁🙁. I’m having obsessive thoughts about him and I just want it to stop!! 😪

[Whendoesitend]

Thank you so much ladies for all of your replies!
Your words and understanding help so very much. It’s like a weight off my shoulders being able to speak to people who actually understand.

Yes the intrusive obsessive thoughts are torcherous. And although I KNOW deep down that I was right to leave, there’s another part of me that constantly doubts and questions myself. The usual “was it THAT bad??” “Did I exaggerate it in my mind??” “Could he have actually changed now that he is older. We were teenagers when we met, maybe he was just immature??” That kind of thing.

I do wonder if he would be a good dad. Can abusive men be good fathers?? He has a daughter. He told me after I left that the shock and upset of me leaving was enough for him to take a good look at himself and never treat anyone like that ever again. It sounds awful but in a way I hope he hasn’t changed. And that he is doing it again because then that would validate that I was right in leaving and that I didn’t imagine what happened. Gosh that makes me sound like an awful person!! I wouldn’t wish abuse on anyone! I hope you understand how I meant that :/

[Whendoesitend]

Thank you for your reply.
Seriously, you write really well, you could be an author. You’ve got a real talent. 🙂
Yes it does sound like they could be brothers. Although I am not aware of him cheating on me repeatedly. There was one time a girl told me he had but we were still teenagers and I never found out if it was true or not. However he was very quick to accuse me of things and call me a s**g and a S**t if I wore something he didn’t like.
I realise now after speaking to a lovely lady on the victim support line that I have never properly grieved for the loss of the relationship (the one I wanted it to be). I had put all of my hopes and dreams into the relationship and exactly as you have said on your post I never wanted it to end I just wanted it to be better. On a bad day it’s very hard to see that what I am missing/longing for is not him but the man I Hoped he would be. It’s very tough.
Seeing that picture has brought it all back for me. And I can tell you for sure I have learned my lesson. I shall NOT be looking on his social media again. It’s not worth the hurt. I rather just not know.
I too have always wanted children. I really thought it would be me and him in the relationship I wanted with the baby by now.
Like you I worry that time is not on my side. My current partner has children from a previous relationship so is in no rush to have more. He has said he would like more, but I worry he might want to wait too long.

I’ve never really thought about the possibility of ptsd. I was having counselling until recently. I go back again in august. I’ve always found it difficult to talk about the grief associated with the abusive relationship I was in, as shortly before beginning that relationship I suffered a bereavement so I think a lot of my emotions etc have become entangled.

It’s such a breath of fresh air to know someone GETS me. Gets what I’m saying and doesn’t just say oh you should be over it by now. I had a lot of support at the time of leaving the relationship but after……..well I was just left to get on with it. Sometimes afterwards is very hard too. X

[Whendoesitend]

You write so accurately. The sense of relief finding this forum is huge. Sometimes I literally feel like I’m going to go crazy. My first post on here is quite long. It’s on the life after abusive relationship page. Titled “struggling. Obsessive thoughts. Am I crazy”
Some days are so difficult. And though horrendous that you other ladies on here have had to experience this awfulness, it’s comforting to finally find people who understand. I wish it could be that people could just understand without having to experience it.

[Whendoesitend]

Sunshine rain flower. Reading your post felt like reading about me. Its exactly that, I didn’t want it to be over, I wanted it to be better. I couldn’t have written it better myself. It’s so good to be able to speak to other people who actually understand instead of just saying “oh get over it” etc. Which is very unhelpful. Hugs to you Hun. X x

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