wishfulthinking

[wishfulthinking]

Thanx ladies. You are all right in your advice, and deep down I know it’s wrong and down right stupid to even think of going back, but because I have never taken this “brave” step before I feel like it’s disloyal not to give him a second chance to change?

I feel like taking this huge step might have “woken him up” to see how unhappy the kids and I were and how we won’t put up with it any longer…… But I also know that there is a very slim chance on him changing and for him to be more controlling and abusive if I did go back.

I do need time and space, a concept which is alien to him and is why he’s pushing for an answer if I’m going back or if I want a divorce right now. I know he’s pushing me into a corner not giving me time to think or even breathe freely…….

But I feel so bad and guilty, every time I hear he’s sad, every time I heard that he’s been crying, I feel like the villain……. I’m so stressed and confused on what to do or say…….

[wishfulthinking]

(Detail removed by moderator) and I stupidly picked up because I wanted to ask why he did what he did with the kids, and to tell him that they don’t want to see him again. He did the waterworks broken hearted card first but then he turned vicious within minutes, calling me a liar and manipulator, saying I’m too sensitive and that he’s the 1 who’s had it tough living with me, he’s the victim who’s lost everything because of me. And that he had been warned over and over again to leave me but he had taken the abuse that I had given him over the course of our marriage for the sake of the kids. He’s the 1 who’s been doing the husband and wife duties. He’s the one who’s been suffering and holding the house together. I’m the abuser but I’ve made him out to be a rapist and a murderer. He’s never laid a finger on me so how dare I have called the police. I’ve broken our home and marriage and now I’m going to ruin the kids future……. He denied everything that I told him he had done for me to have left him. I was crying hysterically by the end shaking uncontrollably…… I had to put the phone down in the end because he just started swearing at me……… It took me ages to calm down and stop shaking………

[wishfulthinking]

He said to the kids that there was no need to make a big drama and get the police and that involved because I have never hit you, or your mum. So basically is so small minded that only physical abuse is serious for him, and nothing else. I suppose I thought the same too until a few months ago……… But that’s why he is so angry, because I got the police involved.
He’s also angry about me taking some furniture from the house, (Detail removed by Moderator) but that’s it. And even then I forwarded a message to him that because it’s marital assets he’ll be getting some stuff back. But obviously it doesn’t take a great deal for an abuser to play the victim card or get angry……..
To everyone else he’s acting all broken hearted and distraught. And when he had the chance to see his kids and show those emotions he ruined it, and any other chance to meet them again.

[wishfulthinking]

I’m do upset and angry, I feel like calling him and shouting every dirty name and cursing him until I’m blue in the face.
He made the kids cry. The oldest 2 came home in tears, so upset and distraught because of the things he said to them. Like nothing was his fault, he tried his best. He was perfectly happy, it’s all on me. I’ve been lying and manipulating everything to the kids. I’ve broken our home. I’ve put lies into their head and none of the things they have even seen and heard themselves is true. I’m too sensitive, I’m a liar, I cause problems, I am the problem, and despite his attempts I am the one who hasn’t tried saving the marriage and now I’ve made the kids against him, filled their heads up with lies and fictional stories so I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving him….

I can’t believe him. I can’t believe I felt sorry for him and guilty…… I can’t believe he’s made his children cry when he’s the one who’s been begging and crying to see them for days. My eldest said to me that you are not going back to him ever. He has said so much crap about you and blamed you for everything.

He is still not leaving (Detail removed by Moderator). Or giving any kind of money out for the kids.

I don’t know what to do, my mind is mush

[wishfulthinking]

I just wanted to say that you guys are amazing, and i would never have taken action on my plans if i hadnt had found this group, if i hadnt spoken out loud after years of staying quiet. As some of you know my mum used to threaten and intimidate me and basically make me doubt myself that im too sensitive and i take stuff too seriously and i made myself a doormat by not standing up for myself……..now im free of her i am breakinv free of my husband aswell.
I took it for years doubting myself, convincing myself that this was just normal marriage problems, but after finding this great forum with exceptional woman in exactly the same boat as me, writing down feelings exactly the way im feeling i have found the courage to say no more, thats enough now.
Also my children, especially my eldest has opened my eyes, because shes open and sensituve like me, she has started telling me how she feels, how anxious she gets coming home, woryying about how i would be, if i would be happy or if i would be crying my eyes out again because of her dad, and she made me realise aswell that i suffered all these years because i thought it was me, me with the problems, imaganing things, being too sensitive, but when my daughters started getting the exact same feelings that i was feeling, like anxious and scared whenever the time came closer for him to come home, worried about what mood he would be in, if someone had said something, and if he did come home in a mood, we were all tiptoeing around him tryinh to be extra nice to him so he doesnt take his anger out on us, and that only worked a handful of times, thats when i knew i had to get out. Not for me, but for my children, especially because i have 4 daughters and hubbys mentality is that woman were made by God to serve men.

Starla if your at all feeling the way ive just described, then please believe, its not you. Theres so many of us feeling exactly the same as you are, and we realisticaly ALL cant be a problem and imagining these things.
If you have kids, do it for them, and if not do it for yourself, life is too short to be tiptoeing around people who dont think twice before going off on one without reason. Ive spent half of my life living out of fear, first with my mum, and then with my mum and husband. I loved my mum alot, our relationship was getting better and stronger towards the end of her life. But when she passed i felt a little lighter and easierto breathe and not being scared so much, so ive had some relief from abuse, and now im going for the home run, because woman on here have helped me realise, i AM worth something

Hope you stay strong and safe xxx

[wishfulthinking]

Thankyou again for your replies.

Twisted sister i am abit confused about what your suggesting?

“You can rent out the flat and at least have funds to pay for your mortgage and food”

I dont have a flat? Do you mean the house that we are living in right now?

Also “I would not trust a lawyer who gives bad advice! Recommending something thats not legally enforceable WTAF?!”

Which lawyer and advice were you talking about in this one?

I have started my packing as i want to have moved out by the time he comes back from his guys holiday. Im trying to go on autopilot bcos im getting really emotional whenever i stop to think about anything.

Twisted sister, apparantly i cant get a non-mol order until he does or says something threatening to me or the kids, as he hasnt been abusive in the last 6 weeks, even though he has threatened me on several occasions to slap me and put me in my place.

I also wanted to know how long does an occupancy notice take to be given? According to the lawyer it could take upto a month? And if he does say or do something abusive then how long until a non mol is granted?

The older 3 kids are so excited about getting away from hubby. But i know the younger 2 are going to be abit upset because they are too young to understand. So i wanted to ask that if i go by the no contact rule, how long would it take for him to set up his visitation rights, and would the kids have a say in it because the older 3 are scared of their dad and his reactiin to them for moving with me (even tho he will know full well that they had to go with me legally)

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate all the advice.

My situation is indeed a very complicated one and im still stuck for ideas of how to go ahead. But the time is now to break free, and im still stuck on the what ifs……..

He is the named tenant on the house we are living in, which my mum owned, so she was the landlord. Once she passed away she left me this house in her Will, which is still in the process of getting finalised.

But i feel like im stuck because i dont want to leave, as twusted sister said i am quite concerned of him damaging the property knowing full well that i will have to pay for the damages because he is a tenant and the house is going to be passed down to me.
The lawyer and the police are the ones who have told me that i cant change the locks and kick him out (even though ive heard from so many people in general of woman kicking their husbands/partners out and changing the locks and for them its okay to do?!)
However the lawyer who is sorting out mums Will has advised me to change the locks whilst he is away on holiday, but when i told her what the family lawyer and the police had said she said that they were right and i cant do that.

So now my dilemna is do i just go away and get this occupation order from the court to remove him and then come back which means taking a domestic abused wife route and a route that a normal tenant would take OR take the “landlord” route and leave the house and then have him kicked out through the courts which obviously could take months, months of him probably sitting here rent free because he knows that as the potential “landlord” i will have to keep the payments running until he leaves and i can place another tenant in here?

My other issue is our business. I have a property on my name but the business inside is on his name, and i knoe for a fact because of the selfish spiteful person he is that he wont pay the mortgage on the building either, therefore me forking out more money to keep those payments up too, money i dont have because he controls all the finances, even the cards and cheque books that are on my name in the business account.

I am so stuck because i could be left in so much debt paying off 2 mortgages without any means to money, whilst he’ll be having a blast by staying in our home rent free, and pocketing as much cash as he can from the business until any court rulings are finalised.

At the beginning of my plans the lawyers were throwing options at me left right and centre, but now when im so close to leaving shes telling me about all these hurdles and problems where im going to be losing money whilst hes gaining.
Its just not fair or right. I have 5 kids to feed and clothe, how am i going to be able to survive when any money i will be getting will be spent on mortgages that hes meant to be paying?

[wishfulthinking]

Thankyou so much for your quick responses and helpful advice. I cant believe that im not going crazy or having guilt trips about leaving him, i cant believe all my feelings are normal. I have never left before, no matter how bad things got, even when he once threw a hot frying pan at me because i wouldnt admit that i hadnt cooked the food right.
When i think about things i think to myself how much of an idiot, of a doormat ive been, thinking he’ll change, but when it comes to actually leaving and the practical side i cant help but feel crazy and guilty. Its hard to explain but im pretty sure you all will understand.
Ive made threats to leave, sometimes he shouts and scares me that i cant leave or else he’ll have no choice but to get physical, and sometimes he will laugh in my face and say where are you going to go? You have nowhere to go so stop talking c***, or he’ll say go, im not stopping you, in a snidy way with a smirk, like he knows im talking c***. Now im acting on it im feeling really scared, what if the plan doesnt go according to plan? What if i regret my decision? What if he swears to change and begs me to come back? I dont have answers to any of these questions because ive never had the courage to leave before so i have no idea what his reaction will be once ive gone through with it.
The only thing ive kept myself going until now is that ive found out from one of his family members that i talk to is that when they tried to talk to him and tell him how unhappy i am and how he treats me and the children (everything to which he denied obviously) and they just put it out there asking him what he will do if i leave with the kids, his comeback was “she wont leave, i know she wont leave like that”……..just because ive taken on board every s****y thing him and some of his family have done and said to me, he is so ignorant and adamnant that i will never leave. I keep thinking to myself how much of an a**hole and up himself can a man be? He is such a cruel and horrible, selfish arrogant man and i just want to kick myself when i have guilt trips of how i am going to leave now, that an arguement would remind me of why im doing this, but it never comes, and yet im still walking on egg shells.
Im sorry, im just rambling on now, dont even know if im making sense……..never thought id be in this situation…….its so sad

[wishfulthinking]

Just a question………do abusers EVER change, for anyone?

[wishfulthinking]

Im sorry to hear that helovesmehesays, this was something i wrote after having a massive argument with hubby when he dissed my dead mother, and called me a (Detail removed by Moderator) and threatened to slap me because i was disrespecting him by raising my voice……..a really sad and dark time for me, my lowest point in my life

[wishfulthinking]

Im sorry i forgot to add that the relative wont do anuthing, apart from call my sister in laws, his mum and mums sister, 2 of the worst people in husbands family who like beating people up, and have indirectly made threats to “beat me up n teach me a lesson fot making their brothers life hell”.
They dont stay that far away, and obviously im not going to be given the heads up whem relative calls them.

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