Bleedingheart

[Bleedingheart]

Thank you IWMB for your lovely words. It’s true,it is a very lonely road,even though I’ve started to speak out I still have an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. This is something I have to come to terms with myself though,for the sake of my sanity, I have to try and move on. It’s just so hard when it’s 4 in the morning and I’m locked in a nightmare that I’m aware is a dream but I can’t wake myself up from,it’s the strangest feeling,it’s like I’ve been drugged and the only thing alive is my mind,my arms and legs won’t move and I can’t scream. I’ve seen my GP today,he was absolutely lovely, he’s prescribed me an antidepressant that has good results from treating PTSD so I’ll give them a go. In the meantime I’ve got counciling on (detail removed by Moderator),and my old faithful yoga! Thanks for the support and the prayer,you’ll never know how much it means. 💞

[Bleedingheart]

Thank you kip,I’ve made an appointment with my GP when I finish work today,just for advice really or something to help me sleep. I’ll look into the freedom programme, I’ve not heard of that before. Thanks for the advice xxx

[Bleedingheart]

Thank you so much. I’m no longer with him,it’s been over (detail removed by Moderator) since I last saw him. It’s just never going to leave me,at least that’s how I feel at the moment. I can’t sleep and I’m feeling that he’s climing into bed and I can’t wake up to scream it’s like I’m paralysed. I’m seeing a councillor for the first time on (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve got a sister who knows everything and two really close friends who know but I’ve still never felt so alone,it’s like I’m totally adrift from everything. Thank you for praying for me. Xxx

[Bleedingheart]

I totally understand where you’re coming from,I’ve considered emailing my ex monster to tell him exactly what a vile loveless creature he is,and to tell him he hasn’t won,he hasn’t broken me and I’ll be the one who ends up happy…..but it’s a terrible idea,it would open up a whole can of worms. I’ve been there a few times before,thrown him out then met for a chat and the whole cycle started again. Giving them any attention,even negative attention,just feeds them and gives them power. It’s better to let them believe that we don’t give them a second thought. Just stay strong and block him from your new number. 💓

[Bleedingheart]

I’ve been feeling exactly the same,I’ve been eating well,jogging, yoga,making a massive effort to take people up on offers of meeting up and getting in touch with old friends,then bam! I can hardly think straight cos he’s consuming every thought! Not sure what my triggers are,I’m awaiting counciling. All I can say to help you is that I’ve been in this dark place before and the fog has eventually lifted so I know it will again,just as it will for you. Just try to keep as many good habits as you can and your sleep pattern should return to normal and you’ll wake up one morning happy that he hasn’t interrupted your dreams. Just keep going and looking forward as much as you can. Sending you love and strength.💓💓

[Bleedingheart]

Thank you,and no worries about the edit,I did wonder if it given to much detail. I’ll keep you all posted about the counselling. Lots of love xxx

[Bleedingheart]

Hi Lisa,I’ve been really struggling to be honest. I think the reason behind it is (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t see him,but knowing he was in there possibly watching me was bad enough. I feel so much calmer this evening cos my worst nightmare was his child being there and him there watching but I’ve got through it and I survived the night without bumping into him. I’m hoping this is what’s being causing me to feel so anxious. I’m eagerly awaiting a text to arrange my pre assessment for my counciling. Thank you so much for your message,you are right,off loading on here really does lift a weight,it’s so nice to know people care 💓

[Bleedingheart]

Well it’s now 5 o clock ,I’ve been awake since 2.I haven’t had this problem with sleep for ages,I know my panic attacks are just around the corner,my hearts been racing all day and night. I’m so fed up of swimming against the tide. I felt so much better last night but then my body won’t let me rest. I feel like he’s here in the shadows.

[Bleedingheart]

Thank you so much Lisa and IWMB, I do feel safe,I moved to following the abuse and he’s never been here,this is mine and my child’s safe haven. I’ve had so much helpful and constructive advice today,such as book recommendations and advice line numbers,it’s absolutely made my day posting on here and feeling like I’m among friends,and for that,I’m forever grateful. I have to look at the positives in life and the positive at the moment is that I’ve got the wheels in motion for counciling and numbers I can call for help and advice,I’m ending the day much more positively than I started it. Lots of love to you all.

[Bleedingheart]

Thank you so much for reading and responding. I had a bit of a breakdown on my sister last night,it all just came flooding out,she’s really helpful and understanding, she stayed over with me,but I saw her start to cry as she left this morning and it breaks my heart that it’s because of me,I feel awful for putting these images of me in her head,I’m her little sister and she wishes she could of protected me. He groomed the entire family,I used to watch how he was with them and my skin would crawl. I’ve had a few weeks where I’ve felt ok,I’ve been jogging and doing yoga…then bam! I’m back to square one. I just wish I could forget. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to go back to the police,I can’t imagine ever being strong enough. I’m ready to talk to someone though so I’ll see what happens. Again, thanks so much.

[Bleedingheart]

Thanks,that’s a brill idea,I absolutely love reading and it’s occurred to me after reading your message that I haven’t read a single book since ‘him’, he mocked me when started to read in front of him and I was too embarrassed to do it again. I’m going to get a new book today😊I’ve got Christmas eve boxes to get ready for my daughter and my nieces too. Thanks for your advice,lots of love 💕💕

[Bleedingheart]

Your situation sounds similar to mine,in that he moved in with me and tried to rule with an iron fist,it did me a favour really cos seeing how he was with my daughter brought me to my senses,I’d of probably submitted if it was just me cos I was so weak and vulnerable but I had to claw my way out for my child’s sake. I agree with you that with it being the school hols we can have later night’s together😊I’m just a bit apprehensive about it all,but as I always do,I’ll take it one day at a time. Coming here and knowing people arrvwilling to lend an ear helps massively, thank you 💕

[Bleedingheart]

I dream almost every night,it really really annoys me,as I can have a good day then go to bed to be tormented by that monster. Last week was him following me on the school run and throwing acid on me while all the other mum’s looked on in horror,sometimes it was just water and he’d walk off laughing. Had to hold it together for the little one but as soon as I got to work had a massive panic attack and ended up in a heap in the toilets. Haven’t had a panic attack for months until then. I’m hoping the nightmares with subside over time,I think it’s just your brains way of processing everything that’s happened. I had a delayed reaction to everything I went through,I never cried after he’d raped me,I just went to cook tea! All I can be thankful for is that is been months and months since I’ve had to endure is cruelty in the waking life. Best wishes, hope your dreams become pleasant ones. Xx

[Bleedingheart]

Love this,so true,so relevant to so many.🙌

[Bleedingheart]

Twistedsister, absolutely not,it’s made me laugh too🤭I feel awful thinking it,cos they might be really nice but that’s just how I feel at the mo! Yeah I’m going to really enjoy this Christmas and see what the new year brings me😁I know what you mean about seeing people connected with your ex when you are out,I’m always looking over my shoulder,and I don’t know why cos I’ve done nothing wrong! Lots of love xx

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