Cat24

[Cat24]

Don’t be too hard on yourself . It’s a process to go no contact and it’s not easy especially of you have children.  What helped me was putting him in an archive so his messages went through but it was on a different folder so was in the background. I’d end up forgetting he was in there so I didn’t reply for weeks lol

Sometimes you have to wean yourself off it because they know the more contact the more your investing your attention onto them and an emotional bond starts to develop again.

It’s also a form of control to stop you meeting a new man.

I garuntee if you didn’t reply for days he would switch back to nasty ,  you’ll see the real.person because his texts are not your priority and he’s waiting to see of you respond and read them etc.

I wish you the best

 

[Cat24]

There are too many counsellors doing this and it is not professional

It’s another example of how DV is not understood still within professions by some

But you get some bad ones and many good ones . Unfortunately you ended up with a bad one .

I am.so glad you asserted yourself and changed it . I’d give your feedback so their organisation is made aware of what this person is saying as its enabling DV . It may also be that they are projecting their views onto you due to a situation they’ve had I.e their son accused of DV or they are in a DV marriage and can see similarities in what your saying but are in denial. The code of ethics has details on how this can cause more harm to a client.  I’d defo flag this up with their managers.

Onwards and upwards and I hope the next one is a better 🙏

 

[Cat24]

I agree with the reply. I’ve seen this before too and they use and trick professionals. They also mimic counselors and therapists to further abuse and make you think they are fine and everyone is agreeing with them . They also.use services to tick all the boxes so they can return to do it again and become evennmore dangerous so you are too scared to leave.

I found the hardest part was accepting this person isn’t going to change. So I got counselling with a lady who deals in moving on from a partner and accepting its not a situation you can ever fix. It helped a lot . And the emotional attachments and false hope disappeared.

Then my eyes opened and I saw the person for who they were not what i hoped they could be.

😊

 

 

[Cat24]

Sorry mine moved on I can’t speak for another stalker or for how long they will do it for but mine basically wanted to wear me down so I would go back …. as this tactic worked for him with his mum and other previous to me . So he would abuse until they couldn’t take it any longer so went back or forgave him just for some peace .

But I hated him I did not want to go back ever . But if he gets really violent etc sometimes it’s best to move . Reach out to as many services as you can such as police and DV ones,  stalker helplines on google and all the places they signpost you to because doing it alone is exhausting and confusing

I hope it ends for you sooner than mine did . Keep safe 🙏

[Cat24]

Yes . For (timeframe removed by Moderator) years . Had property damaged and car etc to try to scare me into returning. If that didnt work i had flowers and gifts sent to the house . Then it switched back to damage and trying to get into my home. Him turning up everywhere but it does stop.

I blocked everything and do not answer private calls anymore. I refused to be pushed out of my home so stayed and had alarms fitted on the windows and police gave me a camera for front and back garden. I  had to stick to my guns . Did not add anyone on social.media i didnt know and posted only occasionally. Had to ensure he had access to nothing or he would start again screen shotting pictures and putting them on his or making fake profiles of me or finding out where i worked. But they find someone new and then they stop all.of a sudden .

But as a stalker victim the stopping causes anxiety and you still have to protect yourself for a long time after as it could be them leading you into a false sense of security.

It is the scariest most exhausting thing to ever experience  and I felt the same as you many a time.

I was told about the holly app by police and it has you on GPS so if you are attacked they come straight away to where you are. I deleted mine a year ago as I didn’t need it anymore so I am.hoping its still around

But yes it does end once they move on or give up trying. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world

 

[Cat24]

I would leave the phone and tablet and get a cheap one instead. They can access the devices location and if they are the bill payer they cut the contract off to try to get you to return.

I’m unsure about the rest but I know that women had issues with phones and devices being tracked and controlled and it caused a lot of stress.  Some devices they could also access to try contact the child to ask them questions like where they are , I’m not computer savvy so i dont know how but I’ve seen it be done.

[Cat24]

So update

I’m.so glad that dating was affected because I wasn’t ready at all looking back lol it would have been a huge mistake

I get asked now but still don’t want to. I realised I needed me time and to fight against this instant reaction or urge to have a man in my life to fill some void. I now don’t even think about dating or anything else and I don’t miss it or want it.

And it’s been peaceful . Mostly my mind has been peaceful and it’s settled. And I’m not being so hard on myself about silly stuff like I was with him I.e my car needs cleaning from just road dust in the past I’d get really stressed as he loved everything spotless or he would make constant comments that ruined the day.  Now I am not bothered. I do it when I do it and there isn’t this huge pressure to be always spotless everywhere all the time . This feeling of not being good enough has almost gone .

 

[Cat24]

Thought I’d update

I’m in a part of my recovery where I’m almost back to my old self . So at this time he had got a new gf and still loads of support and I couldn’t understand why even when his convictions were pubkic knowledge

Where we live is small and I have friends who know quite a bit. Turns out few weeks in he started abusing the new gf and they are on and off lots she’s trapped in the cycle. And his supporters …. we’re mostly convicts too for….the same offences

Made me realise that all isn’t what it looks like and that their supporters are normally also perps either hiding it or have been convicted and that’s how they meet in the same circles

So now I am volunteering , met lots of lovely people ,asked out on dates , have plans and future ones

He….is day drinking as he used to in the streets by my friends , still in trouble with the law and is abusing his gf .

They don’t change and I realised how glad I am to be away from it all. And now I don’t even care who supports him. It gets better

 

[Cat24]

Imagine a toddler who has huge tantrums if they are not getting their way …because they think if they play up badly enough the adult will give in to their demands.  That’s what he is doing. He wants everything his own way and he is using abuse tactics to ensure he gets it and the best way for these blokes to get their own way is to put women down until they submit because you then feel you have to prove yourself to them which in turn gives them what they want. They enjoy the power . Gives them a thrill to see they can control you by wearing you down to a point you will try to please them.

I agree he is abusive . And very abusive. I hope you get away as no one is like this that is normal.

I tell you as someone who has been out of an abusive relationship now a while and is happy on my own… these men will take everything you have if they could , your kindness , your soul, your home , your kids  and use you for all they want which is…a slave.  And if given any chance they will move onto the next and discard the older version with no thought. Or cheat. No man who makes his woman and kids have a miserable existence is worth sacrificing yourself for. They do not see you in the same way you see them , some cannot feel love at all . They see you as an object to abuse because that is who they are.

I hope you get away as no man like this is worth sacrificing anything for  xx

 

[Cat24]

The therapy is over the phone so you would not have to go anywhere for that but this is a difficult one in regards to your work. They will always downplay or pretend it didn’t happen or they won’t get a new supply and its a survival thing. Some also think it’s normal behaviour or within their right. A therapist once said if they truly acknowledged what they did they would probably give up living. So they pretend it doesnt happen. It is awful because they cause so much damage but they don’t care.

I promise you, these feelings and dreams won’t last. It gets easier and your mind has put this person on a pedastool . One day you will see a picture and think why was I so emotionally attached to this person. You won’t understand the appeal.

Perhaps a change of work and explain to your AA recovery worker what is happening. I garuntee this stuff happens a lot.  It might help and give you  a fresh new start ? It might even relieve some of these emotions and keep your mind busy.

It gets easier but it is hard , very hard as we are confronted by many obstacles as women compared to men , but it is definitely not impossible. Be kind to yourself,  your mind and body has just been traumatised and needs time to recover.

Take care and keep strong 💪

[Cat24]

I am so sorry your going through this. It sounds really frustrating and draining. It may be the time of the year and/ or due to funding and really the government need to pull their finger out and help.

Could you file a complaint for the ones that ignored you ? They usually have this on their webpages.

Keep trying and hold that anger to fuel you to keep trying until your heard. And this webpage is helpful if you need to talk. I find it really helpful. Have you got an outreach service near you ? It’s like a drop in you can go to. If that’s possible though. If he is keeping you inside or anything that stops you receiving a service or support say with violence etc the police is an option. Or going into the station and explain what’s happening to the DA section if you feel you can’t return home.

I hope you get a better service and support you need . Keep safe 🙏

[Cat24]

I agree with Bella Bella that reporting it goes on their record and you then have a file to add to. And to also talk to police in the DA section.

A court order is handy with this situation so only certain days and times he can pick them up . You can either have someone else there at these times to do handover or if you apply for a contact arrangement order , when caffcass call you , you can tell them handover has to be in a specific place due to x,y and z reasons and they can add this to the order.

Although the law is terrible in regards to DA. And it is.  Reporting it can be really helpful if he does something in future to further abuse and it’s evidence in any future cases. The more perps are reported the more they can be flagged up and the more it can help if they try to abuse further.

Take care

[Cat24]

How awful and I’m not surprised your feeling this way. They really try it don’t they. Most of its to see if you respond or react.

That’s a Good exercise . I used to scrunch up paper into balls and stamp on them. . My ex created a huge smear campaign against me and used pictures.  He got prison time for it but his supporters were all rooting for him both male and female when he was released. The anger I felt towards him and them was immense that I couldn’t sleep.

I started the let them theory too. So if they text your family ..let them . Just put boundaries in place with the people they talk to or cut them off. If they spread rumours…let them. If they hate you and tell everyone that ..let them.  obviously with some things this doesn’t work but it is empowering in some situations and puts you back in control of your life.

But the exercises do work and after (number removed by Moderator) months I now look back and laugh at my scrunching passion. And I laugh at them because he’s now abusing someone new… again all public due to the fact he uses social media to also abuse and they just look like idiots supporting this person.

You realise how good your life is without them in it . And how sad there’s is . Keep safe 🙏

[Cat24]

I couldn’t stand victim blaming. I think they just don’t get it. And social media incels are blaming women for abuse all over after awful influences like Andrew tate.  There are many reasons why someone can’t leave wither it’s financial I.e living crisis or tied up in mortgages etc or violence escalates I.e stalking , criminal damage or worse and let’s face it we don’t want to be carted half way across the country to hide when our lives and support network are in our area .

There isn’t enough consequence for DA thats the issue. There are so many things victims have to navigate to escape to build a new life and sometimes we think it may be easier to just stay . Or it is like trickle effect abuse where they slowly get worse over the years and it can take a long time. Many many reasons they don’t get.

Example I had never experienced addiction in a partner or abuse so when he let the veil of pretence off I did not know who to turn to or what to do. They also hide things and lie so when you think you’ve communicated your concerns and they’ve taken it on board,  they in fact are just hiding stuff and it goes straight back to abuse.

I also remember someone saying to me ” why would he stalk you when your not a model , he could go find someone else” . I had to explain it was about control. They didn’t get it still. And I think it’s because they wouldn’t act that way so why would others ..pretty much what I was like prior to being abused.

I wouldn’t reply because no amount of explaining gets through. It’s something only survivors know. What helped me was meeting more genuine kind people outside my normal circlr of friends and in fact I entered a workplace and turned out 6 women had also suffered DA so they just got it .

I’d take a deep breath and just put it down to the fact they’ve never experienced it and if they ask again just say ” you wouldn’t understand “.  Take care you got this

[Cat24]

I’m so sorry you have endured all this . How I took the first steps to leaving was looking at finances etc and getting all my ducks in a row so knew what was what.

It’s hard at first to take the leap but nothing is as hard as enduring the rubbish I had. When it settles you realise you made the best decision. And the freedom feels amazing. Yeh you do get your bad weeks or days but it starts to reduce and I think a lot of bad days was me getting used to the peace and annoyed at myself that I hadn’t done it sooner . Christmases , birthdays etc are now just joy . There’s no issues and that is what drove me forward seeing happy faces all round.

Family centres,  DA centres and outreach services , GP etc are all there to help if you reach out .

Good luck and I wish you all well

 

[Cat24]

This is a hard situation and I empathise totally. I had severe PTSD and would get panic attacks and nightmares that left me drained the next day . Therapy helped me. CBT and talking therapy in seperate intervals . I self referred to the wellbeing service and put myself on the waiting list. I agree with the last reply to ask for part time hours just so you can rest inbetween and process the past abuse etc. You can do this 💪

[Cat24]

Love this post. I am so happy for you and it makes me remember when I got to this point and it is soooo empowering . Instead of feeling emotions your right you start to think…what are they on thinking I’d ho back to that lol I look back at pictures sometimes and if he pops up I think to myself ” what on earth did I see in this person ” and delete it. It shows how powerful the psychological control is and how your mind puts this person on some pedastool when in reality they are awful.   Onwards and upwards 🙌

[Cat24]

Hi

Are you able to apply to the court to gain consent under a specific issue order ? You may be able to also tell them what hes doing so you dont have to keep going every holiday. I know it’s awful. When the fathers rights laws were implemented they seemed to completely ignore abusive ones and so it’s given them more leverage to further abuse. They should not have a say in schools , holidays etc and have only contact through a centre under supervision as mothers who have children removed for the same do not get these rights but fathers do. It’s all backward .

 

 

 

[Cat24]

I was told by someone who worked within a refuge that gifts are indeed still a form of harrassment if there is proof the person has been told to stay away or has said they don’t want involvement. So technically you can report it to police. If it’s ignored it can stop as its just their money being spent and it’s not getting them what they want and yes the triggered feelings do go in time. I used to pretend I bought them in the end or give them to a child in need through a charity. Unless he is watching your home he won’t know.

My ex used to do it because he had a failed relationship and so did this put the blur. Then when he got a new partner it stopped. They sometimes see their exes and children as back ups , so they have a constant supply and so try it on. Or to impress someone.  Either way it’s never for the child and is never genuine. They know that good parents do this stuff so they mimic it to make themselves look better but you know what that person is really like.

[Cat24]

Hey

I won’t tell you what to do as thats unfair , but if you do not feel right, go with that feeling. If you want to wait and not move in yet so you can get to know him more, go with that,  I know I’m just a message but me and I’m sure others would be on your side. Definitely me after what you’ve described  😊

Have you tried the freedom programme ? It describes all the different types of abusers and it is really good to read. I think you can enquire on this site.

Yeh not a lot of people will understand unless they’ve been through it. One thing I never  regretted is I always ensured I had my own home, own job and own Independence so if anything does pop up in a relationship where I’d have to leave , I have all those things to ensure I was OK. Just some food for thought if he spends rent money etc.

His moods do sound quite up and down. How do you think he will react if you explained you were not ready for that step ? His reaction may tell you a lot as well.

But yes you have this time to think but it feels like your mind has already sussed a lot of things that don’t sit right. Xx

 

[Cat24]

Hi

Yes still happens but far less and over time I brush things away that used to really trigger me.  The nightmares have reduced too and panic attacks at night which again comes with time. However my strong response now seems to be that I get very annoyed at the lack of laws and support for women and children in the UK suffering from DV causing so many to be trapped in awful situations.

That along with laws that get passed and are not implemented the same way as portrayed in the media i.e revenge porn they say holds a 5 year sentence …they will get a few weeks in reality inside and it does not impact their career at all etc . That’s my only situation now where I feel strongly emotional because women fought for years for rights that are being reversed or like glossed over with laws that arnt implemented and it’s now happening all over the world.

But yeh it can take a long time to get things out of the subconscious and pops into the conscious.

 

 

 

[Cat24]

First. Well done what you have done is amazing and this guy needs to be in prison as he is dangerous.

Yes it’s abuse. It isn’t acceptable to go around hurting people physically or emotionally and he told you this to silence you because he can be put in prison for it.

Silence from victims is something they want because the more people who know the closer they are to getting caught for what they are doing.

Keep safe 🙏

[Cat24]

Your gut is telling you something isn’t right hence why you are feeling torn and I agree from what you’ve said ..he sounds like a d**k . You deserve better. This sounds just like my ex at first subtle but obvious remarks about things like my appearance, also had child with someone else and she actually contacted me and told me she fled to refuge because of him. I checked with local authority and it was true.  And he got worse and took me (number removed by Moderator) years and putting him in prison (number removed by Moderator) to get away. Only reason he stopped was not prison it was becayse he met someone else. Who (number removed by Moderator) months in is now a new victim of abuse from him.

My ex moved very fast in the relationship he wanted to move in within weeks , etc I should have gone with my gut like you now and walked away.  The moods get worse btw . The silence and moods turn into explosive anger.  He’s suppressing that at the moment so you don’t see.

Have you done a clares law on him yet ? This is a request from police to show you his record..although some can be sponged so be aware it doesn’t show everything. But enough if need be.

But I’d go with your gut . There’s doubts and sounds like you know something isn’t right.

Keep safe 🙏

[Cat24]

This is what annoyed me a long time after and hereforhelp is right they don’t take responsibility…or if they do its for self gain to avoid consequence etc. They do not see things the same as us .

My ex used to say everyone does it it’s what normal relationships are like…. now this was true within his circle of friends as they all were abusive as well and worryingly this was a large number of people.  However I knew what was healthy and unhealthy and I saw through it . These abusers have seen and are still seeing couples abuse their partners both physically and emotionally so they think it’s normal.

They just don’t think what they are doing is wrong. It takes time but it gets better and the anger goes away eventually.

Take care ❤️

[Cat24]

I can understand your confliction as society creates a view that children need both parents , however if one is abusive this statement is not true.  Many people I have spoken with who had an abusive parent wished they did not know the abusive parent.

It is hard and you will be racked with guilt but that goes away eventually and you don’t owe the perp anything. I would not contact him. It opens a huge can of worms and they can further abuse you if they use the child. In some circumstances people have let them in again nd they’ve gone for full custody with a new partner . And due to lapse laws they can do this. Which destroys the victims life further. And the child’s.

In other situations they start to try to control the mother and use the child to spy on your life as well as using parental alienation tactics to turn your child against you. Again there is nothing in place to stop them doing this.

Keep safe 🙏

[Cat24]

I never put him on the birth certificate . I just knew he wouldn’t change. He tried to use my child as an excuse to get to me and spy on my life. So I cut contact years ago. My son doesn’t know who he is and does not engage with his family , as family will side with their own and you can’t trust them. And it’s fantastic. We have zero issues . He stopped paying chm as soon as I cut contact because he was using it as coercive control I.e if I didn’t conform to his rules and stay single and only talk to him he wouldn’t pay maintenence and due to all the loop holes in chm rules he would get away it it. In the end I stopped relying on it and yeh it’s been a long time and my son has no negative influences and is safe. There arnt enough laws in place to keep children and their mothers safe from further abuse and it’s wrong.

[Cat24]

I’ve been exactly where you are and living with addiction and abuse is just awful. I assure you leaving is the best option. They do not improve , sobriety is rare and it gets worse. You will start to get so affected it will start impacting your health.  There are numbers to refuges who will keep you all safe and support you with things like housing and sorting the mortgage, as well as things like changing your phone number etc and starting on the road to recovery.

My ex was relentless. Put in prison (number removed by Moderator) . Would not let the relationship go . Life time restraining order . He had the same record with all his exes and is now abusing the new supply. He’s still an alcoholic and has been his whole life and that wont change…they pretend to though .  I am so free now it feels amazing. I meet new people and volunteer , I am looking for a new job , I dress how I want and I go to the gym. I concentrate on me.

Yes it is hard to leave. Yes they will try anything to get you back even claim they are clean. Yes they will try to rub new partners in your face pretending to be happier etc ( its a facade ) yes rebuilding my life was hard …very hard but was it worth it ..  yes ..hell yes. Everyone is happier and most importantly everyone is safe.

You got this and you and your children deserve more than this and a peaceful, safe life. Take care

 

[Cat24]

Thank you. I’m not bothered though about finding a partner I have everything I want and life has been amazing . Maybe if someone pops into my life unexpectedly but it’s not something I feel I need to pursue or interested in now.

I think i got bit trapped in a psychological cycle because he met someone i felt left behind and i should also be …but that would have been a msiatake as healing oneself and pursueing ones own goals and self love was paramount . But yes I agree the right one would be supportive. But I’m happy single and living my best life right now .

[Cat24]

Definitely,  I felt like the more I was away from him the more I could think straight and wasnt stuck in this bubble that seemed to be tunnel vision like his world became mine. Was so weird and now I’ve met so mamy more people it’s like my brain has realised him and his supporters a tiny amount of people compared to those out there.

I knew I was coming out of the dark hole I was in because my resilience has started to improve,  I don’t think about him , my happiness and smile is returning without trying and I feel.more relaxed overall. And I feel my personality coming back and popping into social situations randomly , she’s been gone a long while but she’s coming back

Thank you . I just wanted people to see it gets better and that they don’t change even if our brain tries to trick us that they have. I feel like finally the me train is moving forward and doesn’t feel stuck or so bothered about being a bit lost whereas before I felt like I couldn’t see anything ahead lol

I’m glad your also feeling like your coming back . It’s such a great feeling isn’t it ! I think all them.dark times was my brain healing and mind . Onwards and upwards! Xx

[Cat24]

Ah I see. Yeh I wouldn’t initiate anything in that context.  I’d contact the link to the advice line as it sounds bit more complex. But yeh mention the order and the holiday issue. And apply for the child’s passport ASAP so you have it too. That is another one that causes issues. I used to work in many sectors in regards to this stuff so that one I saw a lot causing serious problems.

I’m hoping in future the laws start to change with PR and an unsafe parent as its diabolical at the moment.

I wish you luck and I hope you both manage to go on your holiday together ❤️

 

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