Clueless

[Clueless]

I have been seeing a private therapist for nearly 2 years, the first year was giving me the confidence to finally leave and the past year helping me through the trauma. To begin with I was referred through my work who were wonderful and allocated and paid for me to have 12 sessions, I was so worried I wasn’t going to afford the next sessions so my therapist put me onto the low cost sessions and I was going weekly up till recently it’s now every over. I don’t have a huge amount of money but the money i have spent/ spend on the therapy I have never thought once I can’t afford this because it’s helping me, I do not begrudge paying her at all. Even when money’s that little bit tighter I always find it. I was at a point of actually finishing, my therapist thought i was ready and I agreed so I was kinda weaning off her but I’ve had huge setbacks and although I’m probably not but feels like I’m back at square one again! But I will continue to have my sessions and get me to a place I should be. I think what I’m trying to say is don’t begrudge yourself on money for a therapist because it’s money very well spent and when you start to feel and reap those benefits for your recovery I don’t think you will even notice.
Best of luck finding someone who can help and support you. I am so grateful for finding mine. She’s worth her wait in gold. Take Care xx

[Clueless]

Aw thank you for sharing this, I really needed to read that today. X

[Clueless]

Thank you for your time to reply, I’ve been having counselling for nearly 2 years and I was doing really well. This relationship of his has really knocked me back. It doesn’t help that I know her and her children who have all had a horrendous time with her ex. Which is sad to be moving on with another man who is abusive. When I was unaware of what was going on in my life I use to feel for her, how could a man do that to her etc but all the while it was happening to me.

You are right I will not get an apology, I’ve tried but he will just not talk about it. I fell out of love and we were just too different that’s his reason! I wouldn’t have given up my family for that reason! Never mind the coercive controlling sexual behaviour, the finance abuse the emotional torture he put me through. I’m just so angry. My anxiety is off the scale, I can’t leave the house and motivate myself to do anything. Why do I still let him win and find the confidence to get on with my life.
I think I would find no contact with him tricky in terms of the children. I have/am doing my absolute best to make this as lovely and easy for them to see us working together but on the other side of it I’m left dealing with that conversation then and it’s all raked back up in my head. But I will do that for the children. And to be honest that’s the only reason I’m still in this area, they love it here and are doing so well. I’ve already ripped their family apart I can’t take them away from what they know. I’ve just got to find the right way to deal with all of this. I have no answers for it right now. I’m just hoping one day it will work itself out and hold on to that.

Thank you for all of your reassuring words.
Xxx

[Clueless]

I am still confused with this part of my marriage, I have now seen all the abusive behaviours but the sex issues still bother me. I cannot make sense if what and how he treated me during sex is right. He never wanted to give me pleasure. Tended to opt for a masturbation over sex or just together times. But during this and sex when we had it, the names he called me were just vile like my dirty naughty wife. I hated it but never spoke out but my mind was screaming out loud. He always used sex talk about me having a three some. He signed us up to swinging sites, he wanted to find a guy to have sex with me either whilst he was watching or on my own then for me to come back and tell him all about it. He wrote messages to guys and couples on my behalf to get communication going. Stupidly I kinda just went along with it. Keeping him happy. Why I never spoke out is beyond me I wish I did because we started to meet up with a couple and the final straw was when he left me with the male and he went to a hotel room to have sex with the female. He left me vulnerable in a state of going out of my mind what he was doing with her. I threw up. So angry, hurt and betrayed. This was never talked about. Him having sex with another female and certainly not to leave me on my own. He completely got off on it. Even when I was being sick and upset. He wanted to carry on with vile talk about it. I’m feeling physically sick as I write this. The worse thing is he didn’t want to talk about it my feelings in all this. He ‘treated ‘ me to a spa day to say sorry.
I never went ahead with meeting up with guys but I had contact with someone that he wanted me to but as soon as he wasn’t in the mood or didn’t suit him I was given the silent treatment for even messaging someone. ( that he told me to do ) this happened (Detail removed by Moderator) and it was certainly the point where I started to question what on earth is going on here. I became ill stressed and my mind was going crazy! I’m still here now but have my plan in the back ground of getting out. I’ve needed and still am having therapy because on top of this with the emotional, financial and psychological abuse I was/am suffering but I’m determined to get out and become me again.
Sorry such a long rant but I really felt I needed to let it out.
Xxx

[Clueless]

I’m with you on this! The financial abuse I receive is just totally unacceptable. I thought that’s what life was like though. (detail removed by moderator) I just didn’t have a clue. I do now through therapy and friends and family showing me how wrong it is. I work full time I always have done and it’s what I had to do because he needed to know I’m earning. We have never had a joint bank account ever. I love my job but the pay is terrible but that’s what I use to pay the children’s activities. My bills etc. I never have money left over so if I’m in need of a little extra for petrol etc he would expect me to do something in return, sexually or an extra clean of the house or he will just write an iou and put it in his wallet to remind him of the money i have borrowed! One example just a couple of weeks ago is he ‘couldn’t afford ‘ for me to join in with my daughter’s birthday. It was ten pounds! This man earns a stupid amount of money! So he went ahead and booked it for the 3 of them. I was and still very very hurt by this. But looking back it’s always been like this. This was also my punishment because I couldn’t afford to take us all out for lunch because I had just bought all of my daughter’s birthday presents. I’m so desperately trying to leave and it’s so difficult because I have no access to any of what should be our money. And stupid me signed a legal document giving him most of the house money. I’ve worked and I’ve raised 2 amazing children and put up with his crap for all this time and I will not come out of the marriage as well as he will. He will not leave our house so I am the one who needs to uproot the children and borrow some money to find a property. I just focus on the day I am in control finally! My money and my mental health nobody else’s to destroy further. I’ve viewed a house this morning and I love it but I will need the support of my family to get us out of here.

[Clueless]

It took me so long to tell my family about what I was feeling. Just kept hiding my unhappiness but little did I know they all knew something was wrong, weight was dropping of me, tired looking all of the time. I don’t live close to them so I thought I was getting away with just pretending everything was normal and ok. Then one day I just had something inside me saying something needs to be done. I was unaware at 9th is point I was living with domestic abuse. I just knew something wasn’t right. So I couldn’t really explain everything to them but just letting them know my unhappiness and need of support well it changed me as a person right there. Since then I have told my family what they need to know bit by bit. After each therapy sessions I talk through it with my mum and I’ve reconnected my love with my family and if anything this abuse I’ve been living with has brought me and family back together again.its been a very long time since I’ve felt like this. I’m still in the process of trying to flee but with my family by my side I’m a stronger person than I ever have been.
Sorry a bit of a ramble there! But yes just tell your mum. Please it’s the best thing you could do for yourself and her.
Take care
Xxxxxx

[Clueless]

Gosh this is all so relatable. I needed to read this today. I’ve had a really hard weekend of going through this vicious cycle. Thank you all for posting, I can see how much it helps others on here and certainly for me.
Xx

[Clueless]

Hi All,
Gosh it’s reassuring to read these comments. I had a really intense counselling session this week and she asked the question of when did I ladt feel love for him. I honestly cannot remember so we spoke about the past and like many of you I couldn’t Remember many happy times but I remember the days and nights of crying myself to sleep or locking myself in the kitchen being left alone. But again I can’t remember what caused those times not clearly anyway. I know I felt frustrated because I didn’t understand what was going on. I now feel quite angry that I can’t remember anything. Has it really been that bad my brain is covering up the trauma?! It’s so crazy to think this is how i have spent my life for far too many years. And the sad thing is I’m alot more damaged than I thought from this abuse. Feeling really sad.
Xxx

[Clueless]

Hi
Well done for reaching out. For me that was the best thing I did. I can relate to everything you have said. I put myself forward for counselling after I lost a silly amount of weight and didn’t sleep. The people around me said perhaps I needed some help and guidance so that’s what I did. Two sessions in and my wonderful counsellor confirmed that I’m dealing with domestic abuse. Well I was shocked to hear someone tell me that but I was already having my lightbulb moments so confirmation on what was wrong sent me a little crazy I suppose. The anger and grief inside me and I suppose the relief I wasn’t going mad sent me into a rollercoster of emotions. This was back in (detail removed by moderator). Since then I have had weekly counselling sessions and I’m now being supported by my local domestic abuse team. My family and friends have been so supportive. I’m trying to leave like your self no access to funds so I’m trying my best to get myself sorted. But there is light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. I’m stronger from all of my support it doesn’t make it any easier when dealing with all the emotions but certainly helps. I have felt ashamed but I’m now at a point when I’m thinking no this shouldn’t be happening and keeping positive of my new life with the children and again like you say I will be the mum those children deserve to have. I will not let the control of him to ruin me any more. I have days when I’m so excited about what my future holds, to find out who I am, what I like etc. These last  (detail removed by moderator) years I’ve been trapped into a person and I now know it’s not the real me.
You will find the right time to go just as I will but I can honestly say becoming stronger in your thoughts and mindset really will take you a long way
You can do it. I wish you every happiness that you and your children deserve. Take care
Xxx

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