Confusedyetclear

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi there lovelies, thank you so much for the lovely replies… They have brought me comfort I appreciate it so much .. I am accessing counselling with bpas and they have been great , it’s nice to be able to get my mixed conflicting ideas out loud . Since blocking my abuser on everything he has turned up at my home but I felt strong enough to defend myself and challenge his points… I figure if a thing positive is to come from this then my baby would have deserved me to be strong and stand by the decision made. I know I made it with love despite reallllly not wanting to do it . Thank you again lovelies I really appreciate your help, it definitely gives me strength x

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi there , first of all well done for getting away and out of it !! That is amazing yet I guess painful… Your emotions and poor brain will be trying to process everything that has happened and won’t know where to start… I’m guessing there will be a lot to process. My only advice and I’m not great at this myself is to let yourself feel them all. They are all valid and are a sure sign that he crossed your boundaries… That the things that happened were not right ! And it proves your emotions are working just fine even though painful. Xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Eggshells I can’t tell you how much those words mean.thank you xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Good morning eggshells and need to clarify. Having one of those heads where sleep apparently is t needed and instead I have laid in bed beating myself up for this poor innocent soul. Your messages have brought comfort, I keep forgetting I don’t this out of love and instead keep gaslighting myself into thinking I’m just not a very nice person. I think writing things down may help so I’m going to do that as a reminder alongside the day my baby was lost as I have also forgotten that and it was only days ago.
I feel sure that I did not deserve this which helps a little in being determined to set up some kind of promise to myself that he can never ever have the chance to do this to me ever again.
He has vanished off the face of the planet in his typical cycle and there was no interest in the complications that landed me admitted to hospital , which was the final sign to me of just how entirely alone I was in this and that I would be abandoned for anything that went against what he wanted.
It’s impossible for me to comprehend these people can be soooo cruel and cold but I guess I now believe monsters do exist.
Your words have given me comfort at silly o clock when my eyes won’t dam close . Thank you xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi mothball ! Aw I really feel for you :(, it’s like being able to see the right path to take but it’s blocked ? It’s huge progress you are learning how you learned what love is though and you are almost going for the familiar which makes totally sense. I think we all go for what’s normal to us but it’s great you are questioning your own norm … I guess sometimes our normal is dangerous to us becuase it hurts us.
I am on no means on the right path but I do think that having that own self love and confidence must be part of the antidote to abuse becuase if we truely though we deserved better then surely we wouldn’t keep going back and sticking with our normal? I often think I hate marmite and I know I hate marmite and how it makes me feel so I would never ever eat it becuase it makes me feel sick. Surely abusers are marmite too but it’s hard so hard. I am thinking of you and always here if you want to chat about marmite lol xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you for the replies !!!
This is probably the worst situation I think I have ever found myself in ever. It’s a game changer every time I open my eyes and come to a different decision daily. I think I know in my gut I am going to have a miserable future if I proceed and the fact he would quote (detail removed by Moderator) is not a fight I think I am strong enough to take on. This places helps so much and all the posts I read I feel we must have the same partner then I have to remind myself that this really is abuse and he really is an abuser and isn’t special as a one off or unique in him being different. There are so many of them yet they are all so similar it is scary.
Thank you for your kind words… Xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Lovelies this gives me hope that time apart brings clarity gosh am I ready for some of that xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi eggshells, that is amazing you loved well done you ! I am a decent distance from this man in terms of location however he knows where I live so a move would always be a good idea .in my mind I wish if I move he can’t find me, I was thinking to remove myself off all social media and try to become invisible. This idea gives me relief.
I often wonder if it was planned and he has made several comments that don’t sit right with me, yet a court would grant contact for him at his home and that is where he lives his double life. It feels so toxic and cru what a mess to end up in …. Moving feels like the only way to have a fighting chance… Xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi ocean. Woah wow what a powerful response that was to read ! I want to say well done for having the determination and guts to proceed. I can totally relate in saying I realised I want more children and didn’t even realise , but just not with him. Due to my age I think this will definitely be my final chance and this lies heavy.
As for your children how amazing is it that, despite the fact he has made them suffer… They will not become him.. they are not him and he can never take any credit when they turn into lovely human beings who are thinking about kindness… Bless them .
I have been through every ideal and worst case scenario in my mind and I think my one of biggest worrie is the chance my baby would possibly be involved in his wife’s life who I didn’t know existed yet he plans to let her be heavily involved… I almost feel like the outsider in my own child’s upbringing.
Thanks for you message xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi lovely, I have had some counselling sessions with the service that provides termination… I am due to have another and they have been really good but I will look for specific pregnancy crisis services incase there are any other services that would be useful.
Thank you xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Couldn’t read this without leaving some type of response, I apologise if it’s not of much use.
It sounds like you are struggling to understand if it is abuse or not… And wow how conflicting is that ! I am sure alot of us can relate to that…bur now you are in the wondering stage it’s hopefully something that you can’t unsee.
It sounds controlling when reading that and feels very much like he is in control even if it is in the context of it makes your life easier in some ways ie financially.
With holding affection and then praising you when you do something he likes… Is so confusing when you are living it yet in reality you are not a puppy to be rewarded and are more than entitled to do something that someone else may not like…
I hope you keep accessing support on here , these ladies have made me consider things I didn’t even realise needed considering. Good luck xxc

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi there lovely. That response brought tears to my eyes.. sounds like your mum done such a selfless thing (as to how I am perceiving it ) and still you suffered through no dam fault of your own… So Inspiring you fought back and are doing well!
I can’t help think we all deserve a bash at life if we are the chosen egg… That sounded weird I hope that makes sense with kindness and who is an abuser to destroy that…
Then my brain flips back to … Intrusive thoughts that remind me I am knowingly bringing my baby into a shambles before it has even had chance to develop a little heart beat and eyes.
Thanks so much for your message it gives me hope and a little more fight !!! You are living proof that it can always turn out ok Xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you so so much for your reply. It has really given me another perspective a d definitely something to think about.
I feel like my eyes are wide open in knowing how bad it could possibly become and I dont feel that my baby , children or me deserve that.
Ilmost feel like my baby would be born into a silent war zone not knowing it would be at war because my partner goes from silent to controlling and I doubt it myself often… How would a young child ever recognise that.
I am sorry you went through what you did, however without doubt your strength shines through you are so Inspiring thank you xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

It sounds like there is a part of you that maybe believes what he is saying to you ? You are not a bad person for wanting to be financially stable and in having a better life for you ! Maybe there is also a part of you that thinks there is better for you out there and that voice is definitely worth listening too… She’s the voice who has your back and is trying to gently urge you to a better place.
From a financial aspect you are as equal as he is and if he sees it as you are taking from him…then isn’t that what he is also prepared to do to you by guilting you into backing down ?
It’s so difficult… I hope you feel less guilt about doing what is best for you xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

I can relate to your post mellow 🙁 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s almost like he has multiple lives ?
The one thing I’d like to say is that if you are thinking anything like me when I tried to convince myself it was “just his culture” then I try to gently remind myself that it doesn’t make it not abuse
I struggled and still do with the idea that if it is just his culture then maybe it isnt abuse.actually what is the truth is that culture is no excuse to treat others poorly. Xx

[Confusedyetclear]

This post really is relatable to me and I can see so many parts of how you are feeling and questioning which feels confusing and conflicting…
Like you, I was and I guess am comfortable with how things are/were. Therapy really taught me to consider that I had become comfortable with being abused and that I associated love with toxicity. When in actual fact abuse is not love and love is not abuse. It’s really difficult when past life experiences create a mindset of what love is and then we get comfortable with accepting whatever that looks like.
What is great is that you are questioning it and being curious about if his behaviour is ok which suggests possibly you are not as comfortable as you think you are…. That was my starting point… Would I really be questioning it all if I was truely comfortable and happy…
Best if luck and hope therapy helps clear some of the things you question xx

[Confusedyetclear]

That feels so cruel he would do that. Absolute mind torture shame on him. Sorry to hear you are going through this. When I read your experience I feel angry that he does these things and yet don’t apply that same anger for myself which is a bit strange .
I hope you are ok x

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you banana boat. I think I do need to talk about it more to get a clear idea on my next steps. Each day I sway from being strong enough to do this solo to then feeling like the consequence of having my baby may be too big for me to cope with .you have described him perfectly. I am to blame for him lying, cheating, manipulating and for having a problem with it . If I was (detail removed by Moderator) in his mind but I would not want this for my children.
Thank you for your reply x

[Confusedyetclear]

Sending you huge hugs eyes opening. We can’t do better when we don’t know better right , and sounds like he got you confused …gaslighting works wonders doesn’t it 🙁 like you I went back in the past and I always hoped hewould come good in the end but actually they don’t.and although I don’t feel it for myself I do feel Inspired that you got through this despite the pain that came with it. Big hugs xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you monty. Your words mean a lot. The guilt is such a tough feeling isnt it and I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you know that it was not a reflection on you and doesn’t take away from you as a mother ! You got the strength to leave and that is amazing xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you wants to help..I .pleased you mentioned this becuase I did consider he would do this and come back. I think the only positive out of this situation is that I feel some kind of strength to make sure he never gets any of my space every again. I move from grief to anger to sadness but always come back to the fact he doesn’t deserve to be a part of my life and certainly never near my children. I wanted to update so everyone who has been so supportive knew, and it really helped me understand I wasn’t crazy . Thank you xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi eggshells. I am so sorry you went through what you have. It is so easy for me to say this but you done what you thought was right at the time and … Although I get you wonder if it could have gone better than you expected if you had not terminated, there was also the huge possibility that it could have gone much worse than anticipated if you hadn’t.
It seems like abuse is hard enough and the thought of me not being strong enough to keep my baby safe makes me feel it’s quite selfish of me to proceed and just imagine that all will work out. It feels like such a massive gamble and I am not actually very mentally strong at all. He would be quite happy if I was suffering and he could then take the baby for his secret Life to raise my child which just feels so wrong. I stupidly imagined that if I was ill he would care for us all…. But then I guess that was never his intention otherwise he would have told me about the secret Life from day one.
I get so angry at myself that I convince and gaslight myself into thinking I’m shallow becuase I cant understand his mindset and cultural beliefs but it’s so true what you say that culture or not it still equates to abuse. I am so thankful I do not live with him
Thank you and sending you huge hugs

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you mellow. It’s so strange you say that about talking about me to others becuase I have had that feelings several times and dismissed it ! It gets to appoint where I feel I can’t even walk talk or behave like a “real woman”. He seems to hate everything about me but won’t let me move on and live my life either.
Many times I have let him back but this time I will either be lucky and he vanishes which is doubtful since I’m pregnant or … I’ll hope he pesters me enough so at least the police will take notice .he seems to be abusive but just not quite enough for police to take me seriously which hurts as I am not the same person I was before I met him sadly.
Thanks for your message xxx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi eggshells…I totally agree ! I makes me want to become a police officer and try to fight to change the system lol but…I’m fantasizing. It really does have an impact and for me personally made me doubt if he was an abuser at all…I mean if the police feel I was not showing signs of abuse then they must be right. Luckily I have a close support network who reminded me of the things that have happened and it has kicked me back into not doubting myself so much. I hate to think of how many women feel this way after seeking support and then feel it’s pointless to reach out again. Xx

[Confusedyetclear]

This makes me sad. I really believed the police and legal system were there to protect people but I definitely doesn’t feel that way. I don’t think they realised the impact it had on me. I worked so hard to accept I wasn’t imagining his nasty ways and in one short interview I feel like she has taken me back to a place where I am questioning yet again if I’m being dramatic and sensitive.
I’m sorry it took him hurting you physically for them to even think about listening xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you eyes opening. That was really powerful when you mentioned if not coming out and just saying something. It has been the exact same when things are implied and I’m left to join the dots but know that his message was definitely not kind or nice. I feel stronger just for knowing that people can relate and that maybe I’m not crazy … Sorry you went through it however thank you for helping me xx

[Author]

Posts