Cyberblonde

[Cyberblonde]

KIP – I can see it is stressful but be kind – police are human too – the officer may be off sick or over whelmed with their own issues. I know a number of police officers and staff who have also suffered DV and other personal battles whilst still working a full caseload.

Marmot – Always worth chasing things up – you won’t be seen as a nuisance – explain how triggering it is – make sure you are given the contact details for the right person or department.
The police are a bureaucratic organisation and things get missed when they really shouldn’t.

Victim Support can help – whether or not a crime is reported.

[Cyberblonde]

I had a friend who wanted to say something but didn’t after trying to help a friend who split up who then got back with him and told what they said causug massive conflict.

I have recently gone from saying I am fine to telling everyone I am not.

I kept waiting for someone to help me and wondering why they couldn’t see it. Kept thinking maybe it was me and I was imagining it.

No – I just needed to reach out and trust that when I asked for help it was there.

I was very resistant to asking my GP [she was not much help TBH] and reporting to police – they were great.
So may people ignored his outbursts or put it down to stress etc as he was never that bad in public.
Nothing he couldn;t talk away if he needed to.

Once I started telling people they started to see it too.

Start small – tell a few people a few things. Sometimes telling strangers – counsellors / chaplains etc is easier.

Goodluck xx

[Cyberblonde]

I just recently read a book on Narcisists and it was very helpful to see the traits – I didn’t realise my ex was a narc until I spoke to his first wife and she said he put her through the same thing.

There is also lots on the Dark triad which links it to sociopathic behaviour and Machiavellian traits.

Just know it is not you.

The books say most true narcs would never identify as one and will deflect any negative behaviour as someone elses fault.

[Cyberblonde]

Have you tried contacting Victim Support – unsure if they could advise you any better from a legal point of view?

[Cyberblonde]

I also use grey rock – however it has got to the point now where I don’t know what is going on as I don’t want to talk to him – for example we don’t swap any days at all as I feel like I am also swapping to suit him and agreeing to things I don’t want to do.

The up side is I maintain control – the down side is as you say activities can only be on a particular day. I have (detail removed by moderator). I feel like I have been punished somehow as it doesn’t feel 50/50.
However I see the kids every day except (detail removed by moderator).
I stopped my eldest (detail removed by moderator) as he kept forgetting on his weekends. Then for my youngest when he started he flipped the other way and allowed me to (detail removed by moderator) so we could go. I can never guess what he will be great about and what he will get angry over as he is very unpredictable.

Apps and books didn’t work as I wrote every day and he would put two word comments for a three day period.

I e-mail hospital letters or changes to childcare arrangements so I have proof and can file them.
I use Whats app for any day to day queries. I do not have phone calls or texts unless it is urgent. I photograph and send via whats app any urgent letters. He did send a really angry voice message on whats app but I saved that as evidence. Now I try to think of any really bad behaviour of his as an opportunity to proof what he is doing.

I like to have pickups at his house so I can make sure he doesn’t “forget” to give me clothes or school things. I do not let him in my house. He picks up from (detail removed by moderator). I don’t go into his house either now after he shoved me.

I built in using the school and nursery as the changeover points – so I drop them in the morning and he picks up in the afternoon and we don’t see each other. The (detail removed by moderator). We use the (detail removed by moderator) to pass school letters to each other. It seems petty but works ok.

What helps me feel less guilty about them being there is I was told that kids only need one functioning parent to be a good role model. They won’t be as affected by the negative parent as we can balance it out.

[Cyberblonde]

Just to reassure you

I also run scenarios through my head continually.

What will I say, what should I have said, what might he do.

It is exhausting and I just want to stop.

I remind myself he has no power over me anymore.

Watch Labyrinth The goblin King is the typical coercive control figure.

[Cyberblonde]

Grey Rock

I love he has run out of flying monkeys

I will use that one.

My counselor recommended visualising a physical bubble to protect me when he starts being aggressive or abusive or controlling.

Imagining his words as flying monkeys will help

[Cyberblonde]

I also have been prescribed beta blockers. I only just started taking them after having the prescription from April.
A friend told me they had really helped her.

I have struggled to get counselling as (detail removed by moderator) referred me to some local dv services but as I am divorced from him and it was coercive control there are no services available I can access.

I am on a waiting list for a course but that week be next year.

Hang in there.

Xx

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