DesperateHousewife101

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate that validation. This is SUCH a process on so many levels. I think having been in an abusive relationship for so long I am massively codependent and have really struggled to rely on my own footing and c0nviction as I navigate this alone. I’m doing the work though when I can. This is a quieter week abuse-wise and I’m not under constant verbal attack so I’ve been able to take a breather.

Thank you all again. Appreciate the support as ever x

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you so much for your post @GreenHope. A lot of items on that list really resonated. I feel like I’ve reached the end of the road with my relationship. Recently we agreed to separate and then the next day he begged me to reconsider. I was seriously ready to walk out the door, I only gave in because he seemed so heartbroken and prepared to change. Since then he’s been love bombing, but then stopped because I’ve been very cool toward him. He asked me where my head was at. I can’t come out and say I’ve woken up after suffering for years from his abuse. I’m even wondering if that’s correct.

I said he pressured me to have sex, he says I always enjoyed it (I know, I know); that he’s been financially controlling, he said he’s been limiting his own spend and has never said no (not entirely true but still I question myself here); that he’s made me question my value, but he’s sorry for what he said and shouldn’t have said it. But he had his reasons, and no one else will value me like he does.

He wants me to get clear, do I love him, if yes, it’s enough to make it work. When I pushed back on that, he argued that I knew that staying together was right.

He’s fighting for  me, for us, our family. He’s pressuring me to come through this and out the other side, moving forward in our relationship (or going back). He’s saying he 100% supports me. He says he’s genuinely in love with me. But. I don’t feel it. It’s not enough, and I don’t believe he’s genuine. But I also wonder if I’ve gone so far away from him that I wouldn’t recognise  it.

[DesperateHousewife101]

I was about to start a new thread titled “new start with my husband” before I realised I’d already done in here one a month or so earlier! I am so grateful for this space, not just to keep a log of actions but to get support from everyone in here.

I told my husband I wanted to separate. at first he was in agreement, then the next day he was begging me to stay, that he would try, his ego got in the way but he had had a wake up call, everything in life is meaningless without me and the kids.

I told him I didn’t think we could bridge our gaps but he said he would do whatever he needed to, to keep me. He said he’ll go to therapy, I made sure he was doing it for himself and not me. I figure the least I can do is let him try, and at worst it gives me more time to work out a game plan.

Fast forward a few days, he’s love bombing and all of that. He has said no more about therapy. He seems to have relaxed now that I have agreed to stay on. Even I have relaxed. I’m emotionally spent and need time to get to grips with where we are now and to decompress with the kids back at school after holidays.  But I can’t stay this way, and I know because I’ve been here before that things won’t stay this way either.

This is not a plea for support or advice or anything. Just felt I needed to air where I am at the moment in this safe space.

[DesperateHousewife101]

That sounds awful, I’m so sorry. This absolutely is abuse, coercion and it seems like he has narcissistic traits.

I have recently come into the light about my own husband (sexual coercion here too amongst other abuse) and now I’ve realised it (even though I’m still experiencing cognitive dissonance and denial) I am gobsmacked by how much of it I’ve allowed all these years, because like you say there are periods he’s in a good mood and everything is fine, I move on and forget about the difficulties or just pass them off as unfortunate things you deal with in marriage. My understanding of abuse was that it was much more in your face, or loud, or violent, and so it never clicked for me. Until now – something clicked.
For years my body has been telling me something wasn’t right and now here we are.
Please keep posting and know this forum is amazingly supportive.

We’ve got you.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you for your kind and supportive comments.
He’s apologised for his anger and justified his comments about my sharing with one particular friend because he “knows” she’s manipulative having seen it in action and while part of me wonders if he’s right, she hasn’t tried to break us up. She’s been a supportive friend and if there’s anything she’s done, it’s been to build me up as an individual! So yeah I can see how that might lead to our marriage breakdown…

He’s done a 360 and asked me what he needs to do to make me love him again. It really is exhausting. The fighting is stressful (but illuminating) and the peace is a head f**k. I don’t want to be with him but I need to keep the peace.
His comments are making their way into my subconscious and I can barely tell the difference now. Did he ask me for sex yet again or did I just dream it?!

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you @minimeerkat and @nbumblebee for your support.

Nbumblebee I’m sorry you’re in a position where it’s a bargaining tool but unfortunately I also understand it all to well. I’ll ask my husband for something and he’ll say “it’ll cost you”. Haven’t had money on the nightstand though. That’s low.

Had a showdown with my husband (detail removed by moderator)

And he was ready to end the marriage, now didn’t want to have sex with me.

We talked for a long time. It now looks as though he’s prepared to do therapy even though he thinks it’s a waste of money, because he loves me and he’s doing it for me. I argued it’s not for me, it’s for us.

Apparently all he needs is to feel like he’s receiving love and affection (which doesn’t sound like a big ask but I don’t believe his wants are as simple as that), (detail removed by moderator) But I can’t fulfil that need in the current climate.

That I call it sex he has an issue with. I think it might be a tactic he’s using, because it confirms to him that I’m cold by not adding meaning to it. But that hasn’t changed in the whole time we’ve been together. I don’t particularly like l holding hands and I made that clear when we first met. Surely it’s on him too if he chose someone who already exhibited certain behaviours.

(detail removed by moderator) Is he trying to make me feel insecure about my age, my body?

I’m listening to a podcast by Esther Perel in conversation with a woman who believes she’s being gaslit in her relationship. And it’s really helping because I’m wondering how I’ve ended up here, am doubting myself, wondering if I’m as much to blame as he is. Or more so.

Thank you for reading. I’m feeling all over the place. I think I know deep down what’s right but feel thrown off kilter by everything he said.

I am sure a therapist will help me find clarity and put my doubts to rest but in the meantime I’m just trying to find my bearings.

Thank you as ever for the support I get in here xx

[DesperateHousewife101]

Yes it’s super confusing. I’ve called for a break on sex because of coercion in my relationship and because my husband had been particularly unkind to me and threatened to leave if I didn’t change.
Since then he’s been much more agreeable but in some ways I wonder if it’s just because he wants to have sex – he has not been very respectful of the boundary and has been intermittently trying to have sex with me.

There’s nothing really wrong in our relationship at the moment, at least not surface level. We’ve been holding hands, he’s been more affectionate and been saying nice things to me, paying me compliments. But I don’t really believe him. Because of this peaceful interlude I’m doubting myself, wondering why I’m here in this forum, if I’ve just imagined it all.
Even though there’s peace now I’m waiting for the bomb to drop because I can’t reciprocate at the same level. In some ways I’d prefer him to be openly angry at me but then the kids would feel the impact. Instead I go along with it, keeping the peace but staying at arm’s length because I feel like a fraud.
The peace is great but it comes at a cost.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hi Melonballs, well done on getting back into the dating game! Just wanted to say, and I don’t know how helpful it is but it sounds like it’s not you, it’s him. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Sleeping with you and then backing off and getting you to (knowingly or not) effectively agree to friends with benefits it’s really bloody cheeky especially if you want something and someone serious.

I guess you need to consider how much you like him and whether you want to see where it goes to decide how to approach it with him. If he likes you enough he can give you time until you’re ready and trust him enough to not back off again, to be intimate again.

I’ve given it away quickly in the past but I don’t believe the future of a relationship is down to how soon you bed someone. It can make a difference but it’s more about your chemistry, values, etc. Maybe sleeping with them sooner you’re just getting to know them quicker and able to get an idea on their sense of longevity!

Only you can know what’s next given the context of your past experiences. My own experiences tell me this man of yours is up for a good time not a long time and that may work for you or not – but I’m not in it so really can’t judge!
Good luck with it. And trust your gut x

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hey Sad and alone, thank you for your reply. I really empathise with everything you’ve said. I get the “brings you closer” too and guilt trips and defensive when I reject him. The fact that he’s telling you he’s getting it elsewhere is really unfair and unkind. And I wonder if he’s just saying it to manipulate you.
My husband being kinder today. Waiting to see where this leads. At any rate it’s a relief not to have the tension but will see where to from here. What a rollercoaster.

[DesperateHousewife101]

You’re not a burden Stargazing. Keep posting, and even if you don’t always get a response that’s ok. We’re all here for the same reason and solidarity is always coming your way even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
Sending you love and strength xx

[DesperateHousewife101]

Having the same feelings here as well. Can’t unsee, and things won’t be the same again after this realisation. I feel like in those times when he’s trying  there’s a use by date on his efforts and he’s only being nice and supportive for his own gains: being to get back on track so he can go back to his old ways. I don’t know if it’s just me but he just seems so disingenuous – whether because I’m biased due to having lost trust in him or if I’m now able to see his tactics with so much more clarity now that I know what I know.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hi BlueBirdSong.
Gosh, without a doubt you are in a very abusive relationship and no way this can be classed as normal marital issues. I’m in an abusive relationship but it’s nowhere near as intense as you’ve described yours. I don’t have a huge amount of experience to share with you but you’re in the right place for getting support. If there’s any doubt in your mind that you are being abused I suggest you look up Lundy Bancroft – you’ll find a free pdf online of his book “why does he do that” to help you gain some clarity.
I’m so pleased you’re getting support and please continue to share.

You’re not alone.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you Minimeerkat. Ultimately yes I think you’re right: he is trying to manipulate me. And it’s possibly working – I’m just really glad I get to come here and get a sense check.
It appears that he can only go so long feeling rejected by me before he calls it a day on our marriage – and that would be my fault. And then, according to him, everything would fall apart, the kids would be impacted and I would be to blame! Of course I could argue the same, but he won’t hear of it because he thinks everything was fine until recently and this is just a phase I’m going through. Given my lack of communication on the subject I could hardly blame him for thinking that.

So much water under the bridge now.. I’ve made my bed so I either lie in it or get well clear of it!
For the sake of the kids, the holidays, upcoming family holidays and finance I feel compelled to make it work. But I feel doubtful that he is able to take on what I need and that he’s even willing to do the work himself, if he could accept that maybe there’s work to do on the relationship and not just on me.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hey Stargazing, hope you’re doing ok. Realise I made my response to you all about me! Sorry about that. Just wanted to let you know you’re not on your own.

It’s tough and it can feel lonely on this journey but we are here with you and for you.

Sending hugs xx

[DesperateHousewife101]

What’s he being crude about? Sex?

I can broadly sympathise. Despite a conversation (detail removed by Moderator) when I said I didn’t want to be responsible for responding to his sexual urges (and he agreed) (detail removed by Moderator) he’s tried it on and kept at it despite me pushing him away a few times. I’ve been soo tired, so completely rebuffed him and I probably need to ask him to stop during waking hours. I imagine at some point he’ll throw it back in my face but trying to have faith in him that he respects my decision (that old chestnut).

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you all for your advice and support. I am aware I seem to be taking responsibility for his behaviour and I am walking a fine line between doing what is right for me and keeping him happy!

I will stay with this forum to help me walk that line and continue to be aware of what is right and wrong, trying not to fall into old ways.

Any ownership I’m taking is for myself and my own actions, and trying to understand that the abuse I receive is not ok, and that it is never ok, even if I supposedly “deserve” it because I’ve not worked hard enough, or whatever.

It’s so hard to learn though. This is the only lasting “romantic’ relationship I’ve ever known and from childhood I don’t think I ever truly received emotional support through good and bad. It’s been a long road and I’m only starting to realise that while it might be normal its not ok.
I’m only learning  this as I parent my own children, and making sure they are loved unconditionally as they are, that I will support them in good times as well as bad times, however they manifest. And that if I get angry at them, that’s not their responsibility, its mine.

A big eye opener for me, and to realise that I should expect to receive that same unconditional love and support myself.

Does anyone here resonate??

[DesperateHousewife101]

And to answer your question, I asked the police not to speak to him, so he doesn’t know about that but I’m glad to have it logged. The police did turn up at the house the following morning after I submitted my concerns – fortunately he was out though I felt completely terrified.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Oh goodness me, Eyeswideopen. I’m so sorry about what you’ve gone through and are continuing to go through. Sending you all my love and support.

[DesperateHousewife101]

I think you’re right. If we go against them we’re potentially in dire straits. As for the stepford wife bit – that’s the thing that makes it so hard to understand from the outside: people think everything is dandy, because we put on face. Until we stop!

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you Karisqq. I’m really enjoying my time with the kids and reinforcing my bond with them so that when I do eventually pull the rug out from under them they feel supported xx

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thanks Bananaboat 🙂 I’m going to try again today to speak to DA helpline and also making moves to find a private professional to speak to xx

[DesperateHousewife101]

It’s crazy isn’t it, the cunning of a manipulator. Constantly turning things on their heads to suit their narrative.
my husband too has been acting super hurt and disbelieving about the feelings I have toward him: he too has admitted wrongdoings in the past but I honestly think it’s so he can appear to be reasonable. I’ve been learning about (detail removed by moderator) and they use a lot of these tactics – so now I’m trying to learn how to navigate this so that I don’t constantly land on my backside. It’s an interesting journey to say the least!

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hmm. Good point. He has said himself that he wouldn’t ask anything of me if I met his sexual needs.

[DesperateHousewife101]

You’re right. But I wonder if any of his friends would pull him up on it if he shared. They seem largely cut from the same cloth. He seems totally justified going by the conversations he’s supposedly only passive in.

Thank you for the reminder that he’s caused all this. I sometimes forget, and take responsibility for what’s been happening because he’s so skilled in confusing me! But my truth is with me, even if it’s hard to see sometimes.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thanks @hellokitty for your input. My husband doesn’t necessarily want sex after he’s been mean or to make up for an argument, he just wants it generally as a regular thing in our relationship. But after so long giving in to him because it’s just easier than having to constantly justify myself and deal with the repercussions, I’m finding I just don’t have the will to be intimate with him (even emotionally) regardless of how kind he might be. Which then of course makes me wonder time to time if I’m out of order.
I know physical intimacy it’s important to him. He believes me to be quite a cold person because we’re different in that area. Another point to mention is that after we have sex there is never any afterglow affection so it really is just the sex, not the intimacy I believe he wants, even though he won’t admit that.

I’ve spoken to girlfriends about it most of whom will say they’ve had the opposite- they’ve wanted sexual intimacy but have been rejected by their men – which I find interesting and also wonder if there’s something wrong with me not wanting that intimacy!

I appreciate what you said about manipulative tactics. He hasn’t accused me of that and I jumped ahead to tell him it wasn’t a punishment but just something I needed now.
But he hasn’t fully accepted it because every few nights he tries it on after we’re asleep. And I want to address it with him and ask him to stop (again) but truthfully I’m worried that he’ll throw it in my face and ask me when I’ll be ready to “open up shop” (not that he’d necessarily put it that way).

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thanks @stayingsane for that recommendation. I will check it out.
One of the hardest things in navigating abusive relationships is to understand what safe actually means. I would have said I was safe until recently, because there’s no violence, no obvious aggression. But I’ve started to learn that it’s more nuanced than that, and that safe can mean the same as peace and acceptance, which is a hard thing to maintain in a marriage when other types of abuse are present.

[DesperateHousewife101]

I actually suggested to my husband that he try that to take the pressure off me!

Yes it’s great to have relief from conflict but how often do we actually solve why it happened in the first place? There was no conversation- I just said welcome back and he thought it was me, not him (of course) and he went on to say it was both of us and let’s move on. But then we just repeat the same stuff and it rolls around again. Which is why I’m taking radical action and refusing sex. Trying to wipe the slate clean.  But I think I know where we’re heading if this continues ..

[DesperateHousewife101]

Ugh, I get this. When I ask for something I’ll often get responses like, it’ll cost you. Bloody infuriating. Didn’t realise I was selling my body when I entered the relationship.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Exactly, it’s so hard isn’t it. That’s why I’ve taken the hard line and am just saying a blanket no now. Then I don’t have to make excuses, get the guilt trip, etc.

As for what happens next maybe it will become clear but I need to uphold some kind of boundary because I don’t hold a whole lot of leverage.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Never stop loving yourself, and forgive yourself. You’re doing your best. Trust that and have your own back, and you will get through this xxx

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