Diverdi

[Diverdi]

I’ve not had to face this yet but one thing I wondered. I read about people whose partner has died, it says those who had a happy marriage look to get a new partner, wanting to recreate the same happiness, whereas those who were unhappy prefer to stay single.
He gained a lot through his marriage to you, and is now looking for someone else to provide for him. You however are sensible, taking your time to heal, and not wanting to rush in and risk getting in with an abuser again.

[Diverdi]

Hi Hetty,

Sorry he’s making life hard for you. It’s so confusing when they do these gestures, makes it confusing and is so manipulative.
His response of calling you cruel shows his true side. A reasonable person would respect your choice of what you want to do for your child.

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sorry you are going through this. I’m not an expert but dont think paid leave is compulsory in the UK yet. You could ring ACAS and ask what rights you have?
Remember you can self certify for up to one week. Just search for sickness self certificate and you can download the form. You can just say stress related illness if you want to. As you are currently too stressed to do your job.
I found it was helpful to tell work, but I am fortunate to work with lovely supportive people. It also helped me stay strong knowing other people were aware.

[Diverdi]

Sorry to hear this. Work should have an abuse policy, and up to 2 weeks leave hopefully.
I found telling work humiliating, but they were really supportive and lovely.
I agree with advice above, keep the emails as evidence. Let police know as once he’s arrested he should be bailed to have no contact with you.
I’m sure you know what’s best to keep you safe. If that means replying for now to keep him from turning up then do whatever it takes.
Could you contact NCDV to get non-mol if you haven’t already got one.
Hope you are safe and have good support x

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I know the feeling. Out for a while but have children. Every contact seems to take multiple messages to arrange, short notice, tries to push limits and the minute I let him have an inch, he then assumes that it’s going to be that way from now on.
Tired of having to keep pushing and frustrated that his messages all read like he just didn’t know/understand or he’s limited by covid/transport etc, so would look totally reasonable if I tried to complain.
I hear they often just give up altogether, so hoping he’ll eventually disappear out of my life, ideally without manipulating or damaging the children in the interim.
I wish there was more information out there on life after abuse, although I suspect if we knew before leaving how difficult it would be, we’d never leave…

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Counselling it very individual. I was fortunate to get 12 free sessions quite soon after leaving. However it didn’t really work for me. Counsellor was specifically for DA but ‘person centred’ and didn’t prompt as she didn’t want to make any client feel pressured. However I was like a ‘rabbit in the headlights’and could have done with someone who asked more questions and ‘gave me permission’ as such to speak about myself.
I think like a lot of these things you need to ‘click’ and what’s great for one person doesn’t suit another.
I’ve not been put off and will look into trying again, but probably when life is a little more back to normal.

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Thank you for replying. No invoice in box. I’ve just photographed the packaging in case things escalate. (detail removed by Moderator) and tried not to think about it! (Cant bring myself to throw out a (detail removed by Moderator)!)

[Diverdi]

I can certainly relate to the feeling of life being on hold. I left (detail removed by Moderator), glad to be out and think I mourned my relationship with him a long time ago. I’ve been spending time trying to breakthrough the confusion and self doubt.
Lockdown means plans to move forward, do more for myself, and build up a friend network have been really limited.
I know I can’t expect to spring back to the person I was before I met my ex, not least because that was decades ago and I have changed from being a student to having a responsible job and children that take up a lot of my time and energy.
I want to be able to meet a friend for coffee,join an exercise class, take a lesson in something I want to do. But feel without these going on I can’t try anything or try to figure out what social activities and hobbies I want now I have the freedom to try.
I see lots of people hitting a ‘covid wall’ and struggling to find motivation for anything, regardless of any other stresses. To have left an abusive relationship at this time is an incredible feat.
my plan is to keep taking it a little at a time, forgive myself for days when I don’t seem to achieve anything at all and remind myself that things will improve.

[Diverdi]

I caved and bought Untamed on my Kindle… Wow!

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Hi Bettertimesahead,

Thanks for replying. I’d forgotten this. How he’d often be sat in the living room, watching his TV, so nobody else could watch or do anything that disturbed him. I’m not sure Im enjoying the YouTubers my boys seem to love watching nowadays, but at least they’re happy!

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Hi Sunshines,

Thank you for replying. I like your username 🙂
I would never have thought I was being controlled at the time. But looking back at how much he criticised the music I like, how meals out had to be where he wanted to go. If he had been drinking he would sleep until lunchtime, I could occasionally have an afternoon nap but it would be timed for an hour then he’d send the children in to wake me up.
After reading this I put the Calamity Jane soundtrack on, very loudly and embarassed my children singing along with the tunes.
It is hard to find time for self care with children, and keep the parenting guilt at bay! I know some days when I’m feeling like a failure, I make a list of all the things I’ve done, from making meals, laundry, cleaning, homework. Just the regular day to day stuff is a significant list when you take time to notice

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Hi Watersprite,

Thank you for replying. I like your point about not judging yourself. I guess we all need to get into the habit of being kind to ourselves, I’ll steal that one and add it to my list to things to do!

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Hi Hetty,

Thank you for your reply. Sorry life has thrown another challenge at you. I hope soon there will be green shoots of hope showing through that surrounding rubble.
When I moved into my current house I bought lots of second hand pine furniture, with a view to painting it. Perhaps that will be my aim when the weather improves enough to do it outside.
My ex is also being ultra nice, talking to me during calls with the children and sending gifts. It’s nice to hear from someone else how tiring this is. I don’t know that anyone who had not been in this situation would really understand.
I hope things improve for you soon x

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Hi Hawthorn,

Thank you for replying. Those books are now on my wishlist, although I’ve promised myself I won’t buy any more until my to be read pile has shrunk a little!
I think I read somewhere that, like the cycle of abuse, recovery is a cycle too. I keep looping back to moments of shame, guilt and doubt. It’s early days but I think they are less strong each time I regress, and when it passes I feel more confident in my conviction that it was abuse, and wasn’t fair.
My ex worked away a lot, so I’m used to being self reliant, it is great not to have to make sure I messaged him each morning to prevent a low up, and not having constant calls on my day off checking up on me. Just being able to enjoy time out with the children without having to keep checking my phone. Peace is lovely

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Thank you Darcy for such a positive reply. I love the metaphor of plants going underground. One of my favourite things this time of year is watching my snowdrops, crocuses and daffodils coming up. Hopefully we will all be beautiful spring flowers

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