driedflowers

[driedflowers]

This all sounds really tough but, as the others commented, you are doing really well.

Regarding your new relationship, I am wondering whether you told him about your past one, and how he reacted. Is he supportive? Does he understand your PTSD and try to accommodate you so that you can communicate? With respect to the content of your arguments, maybe you can try writing some of his criticisms down verbatim in a journal and then looking over them when you’re not feeling triggered. Outside of that heated emotional moment, how do they read – fair/normal criticism or verbal abuse? I would also suggest discussing this with your therapist. If it seems like normal relationship conflict, it might be helpful to role play some argumentative situations with your therapist so that your conflict can be more productive.

Congratulations on your new job and wishing your mum a good recovery

[driedflowers]

Also: sometimes you won’t get a reply or respect from people, because they don’t know how to treat others well. The best way of teaching them is to walk away.

You don’t owe him an in-person break up. I would do it over text. You can even block his number if you like.

[driedflowers]

Hi Escapee123,

I agree with Marmalade that this guy is bad news.

We all know that it’s difficult to get a conviction, so getting one as the result of a misunderstanding seems highly unlikely. And he called you the C word, which I think on its own is a reason to leave; I’ve never met a man who used this in an argument and wasn’t deeply misogynistic.

Lots of people have open relationships or agreements but the boundaries are clear. In your case, he is saying no to a relationship and using this to do whatever he wants, in ways which are designed to mess with your head (deliberately imo).

It sounds like you are enjoying the physical part and this has bonded you to him. I would cut and run. If he loves you – and he is not acting in a loving way – then that’s tough luck, because he won’t commit to you and you want a commitment. He is treating you badly and then explaining himself by saying that he loves you and that his previous relationship was bad. This is a classic pairing of excuses for bad behaviour and treating someone like sh*t. If he was truly having emotional problems but loved you, he wouldn’t be going after other women at the same time.

Please leave him before you end up in a bad situation – he sounds like bad news.

I’m sorry

Sending hugs

[driedflowers]

Hi gettingtired,

I relate to what you are going through. I have been out longer but recently started a new relationship where the guy is also great and very keen after a short time of knowing each other. It’s hard because at one level you want to enjoy it, and at another you’re worried about love-bombing. Then there are all of the inevitable triggers that you didn’t even know about until they raise their ugly heads.

I have found that a couple of things have been helpful. The first is that you make sure you have good chunks of time to yourself during the week to process what you are feeling and rationalize. This will prevent you from acting out in your relationship, which may make you feel more codependent and/or worse that he has seen your self-esteem issue. It will also allow you to continue processing your past relationship, i.e. why is this bothering me, what happened in the past, etc. Use your CBT technique: what is the evidence, is my response to this event or something else. Also, talking to friends regarding your concerns can be a good reality check as to whether behaviour is normal/concerning or not. I don’t think that your family member’s advice is helpful; as with other things, if you feel that a person doesn’t grasp the whole situation (your trauma, new relationship, how they can build you up to thrive) then it’s best to avoid asking them for advice (always vulnerable).

All the things you can do to keep on with your healing process (therapy, exercise, etc) you should keep doing. Doing some other group activities without him – with friends or making new friends – will also help.

Online advice says something to the effect of your brain re-learning that you’re safe. It is difficult but as you move through these triggers and rationalize the situation then you will learn that you are safe with your new partner. With that said, trust is earned, so he also needs to prove himself to you I think, based on his actions not his words. One challenge and sad thing I have found in my own situation is that I struggle to believe my new partner’s words (e.g. saying he loves me) because my ex used that to keep me trapped. So now I am more invested in actions. It seems like this could be the same in your case – is he actually staying off social media, are these women actually being cold to you, etc. Also, don’t gaslight yourself into thinking that any concern you have is a response to the previous situation; I did this when I tried to date someone previously and it turned out that there was indeed some cause for concern which I ignored (“I’m just traumatized and reading too much into things”).

One advantage of taking time out is that you know you can live a happy life on your own, or at least that you can live in a fulfilling way and survive without a partner. So in your situation it’s difficult because you kind of skipped over that part. Maybe you can try some affirmations or something: keep reminding yourself that you got through this hard thing, and that you can get through anything. This guy seems great but if it doesn’t work out then you will survive and you can still live a happy life. Love yourself first and then love him (or not).

Hope this is helpful.

Hugs! I know it is complicated and hard

[driedflowers]

Congratulations! That is great news x

[driedflowers]

Making new male friends has been really important for my healing and so I would encourage you to do this if you can find a way. I met a number of men through work who I came to trust over time. What I noticed with the PTSD is that you have to push a little out of your comfort zone to avoid shrinking inwards. When you have positive experiences as a result, it opens up your world again. Things I noticed about the men I made friends with were that they respected boundaries without pushing, were attentive listeners and validated my feelings instead of denying and dismissing, and were always polite, respectful and pleased to see me. I didn’t ask them to do this, they just did it, and it reminded me that there are lots of good feminist men out there. This wasn’t the case for everyone I encountered, but it was a good learning exercise in trusting your gut and being reminded of how great some men are and how much they have to offer. If I were you I would sign up for some mixed group activities and take it from there. Do something that you will enjoy regardless so that friendships can evolve naturally.

[driedflowers]

That sounds awful, I’m so sorry. In my case, I was working but he persuaded me to move to another country with him. I was so isolated and no-one knew where I was. Everyone I knew, I knew through him, so I couldn’t talk to anyone. I think the neighbours tried to help me at one point, but I didn’t understand. Thank goodness you didn’t go travelling with him.

At the moment I am trying to accept that my family will not understand… I think part of it is denial because it’s too difficult for them to accept, and part of it is that I didn’t tell them everything. Now that it has been a few years I would say that I have a down period only every couple of months… To be honest, I am really tired of trying to explain or justify this to other people, so I think that in the future I will share it only with those I know are supportive and understand. It is probably a good exercise in self-preservation to avoid trying to justify my feelings – it inevitably devolves into me questioning my own resilience and it feels like I’m gaslighting myself.

[driedflowers]

This is a really difficult moment. I have found that, on the one hand, I have the same question as you around what I did to be treated like that, and on the other I worry about whether he is putting another woman through the same thing. I think what @TwisterSister pointed out is so true: you cannot make anyone abuse you. Maybe a helpful thought exercise is to put yourself in a position where somebody behaves in a way you don’t like. You would walk away and cut that person out of your life, right? You wouldn’t abuse them. So there is no circumstance in which anything we did was the cause of this behaviour. To @Bananaboat’s point, knowing this rationally and knowing this emotionally seem to be two different things, but I guess it’s just a case of reminding and reminding yourself of the objective facts until your brain and heart accept it.

[driedflowers]

Thank you @Eyesopening xx

So sorry to hear this @iliketea. I hate how patriarchal society somehow determines single men to be the more acceptable social choice where couples are concerned, and then the fact that he was the one who behaved so poorly and that he never bothered with them before is all so disheartening. That’s awful that people are crossing the road to avoid you, I’m so sorry. One time I had it where a couple – who he had been viciously rude to and had a giant falling out with – walked past whispering “it’s [my name]” and giving me evil eyes. It’s just incredible that even when people have themselves experienced a taste of the behaviour, they still find a way to put the blame on the wrong person. You are right to be angry at the world… It’s horrible that people are behaving like this towards you but, as you say Eyesopening is right. Really the only silver lining is that you’ve learnt now who is and is not willing to show up for you; they’ve saved you from investing further years into the friendship. I have managed to make some rich and fulfilling friendships with people who really have my back and I appreciate those friendships in a way I maybe would have taken for granted before, so there is hope. It’s just that of course these other people are still around, so now and then it can get you down. It is unfair. Sending big big hugs to you. You are doing really well.

I think the loneliness for me is not necessarily about spending time on my own (which I have gotten very good at doing) but about the feeling that nobody understands what I’m going through, other than people on the forum and one friend who had her own experience. In particular, what I am dealing with right now is that they don’t understand the long-term effects of these things, and how healing from them is not necessarily a linear process; you get treated like a person failing to move on with life after a normal break-up, rather than a person trying to recover from a traumatic experience.

[driedflowers]

Aw, thanks – that’s really sweet of you. You’re right – maybe I was reading too much in to things. I didn’t try to speak with them – they saw me and blanked me.

“People chose to walk away and not repair relationships you can’t carry the full burden for that.” This is great advice.

I am in counselling, but I am wondering whether I should switch to a different counsellor. I am not sure that the current one has a robust understanding of these issues.

Your last question is so helpful; I am going to reflect on this. Thanks for responding to me! xx

[driedflowers]

Agree with everything that’s already been said and wanted to add: if you can get involved in some healthy activities (e.g. walking, volunteering as others have suggested – I’d avoid booze-related activities for the time being) then you will probably find that, through socializing, your self-esteem picks up. I would imagine that you feel “boring” right now because you were made to feel like that. My ex used to say I had a terrible sense of humour. After I put myself out there and made a new friend, she commented on how hilarious I was. Through meeting new people, you can also be reminded of who you are is what I’m saying. It took some time, but I managed to heal some friendships and also make some new ones to help me move on from others I’d lost. You can do this!

[driedflowers]

Hi there,

I wrote a post quite similar to yours about a year ago. I had a similar experience where I wasn’t really ready to date but just happened to meet someone. Because it was so wonderful to meet and spend time with a man who wasn’t awful like my ex, I ignored the red flags; the relationship with my ex was so lonely and I felt some joy again. But, he was also hot and cold and it left my so anxious. I was constantly second-guessing myself and making excuses for him because I thought my trauma brain was misreading things – it wasn’t, and I was grateful for the feedback on this forum. I shared something about my ex with that man and he didn’t react well, told me he had some of the same tendencies. This was later proven when he publicly blanked me while I was with a friend (who he knew) and he then wrote me a long, verbally abusive message. All the time I had been telling myself he was hesitant because his ex had really hurt him and he suffered with depression, but eventually I wondered whether she hadn’t left him because of bad behaviour. In any case, I hope that this share is helpful to you – it took me a long time to see his true nature because I was so soon out of the relationship.

This man may have made you feel good at points in comparison with your ex, but that doesn’t mean that it is a good relationship for you. He has made comments which make you feel less than, and his behaviour has been inconsistent. When you needed him to be present emotionally, he has let you down and blamed it on his depression. I also suffer from depression and I can tell you that it does not stop me from expressing empathy for others. Through all this talk about his ex he has made you feel that you are in second place, and he is now asking you to accept something casual (this is also what this guy did to me). Whether or not he is being deliberately manipulative, you deserve much better than this. When I was going through it, somebody on the forum told me how empowering it had been to walk away from a man who was not meeting her expectations. I know it is really hard because this experience is so lonely, but I would advise you to do the same here. If he is telling you he isn’t going to be there, walk away and don’t accept something which isn’t what you want. I get the kids thing but this guy can’t be present for you, he won’t be present for them. Figure out what you want and if you’d like kids then maybe you can meet someone great in the future; like Kip said, it’s best to date yourself for now. As an aside, I have been dating myself for a while and it is really great – I even take myself out for dinner sometimes!

Take care

df

[driedflowers]

Hi Mellow,

The aftermath is very difficult, so you’ve done really well to break away. You have a lot to process, so just be aware of that, take your time, and be patient with yourself.

One thing I noticed in your post is that you seem very worried of what other people will think of you, especially a potential new partner. I think this is very normal, because for years these men make us feel that they are the only one who could love us and without them we’d be nothing. It ties you to them and hurts your self-esteem. The best thing you can do now though is to look after yourself, rather than looking to meet someone new.

It feels unfair because it is unfair. Especially these narcissistic types, they just carry on regardless. The hardest thing here is coming to acceptance of the situation. What I realized in my case is that this person hates himself and will never be happy. You can be happy again, even if it seems difficult to imagine right now.

My advice is to just try and take some small step every day and keep track of your progress. In my case, for example, I remember how great it felt to go shopping for food and buy something that I wanted to eat, rather than eating only the food that he liked at the time he wanted, and not being allowed to buy things for myself or eat outside that schedule.

Google can be helpful for informing yourself on certain things, but it can also make you feel worse or triggered if you spend too long on the internet. It’s better to restrict your online time and move, like go for a walk or something.

Take care and good luck, you can do this!

[driedflowers]

Thank you, Bananaboat. Yes, I hadn’t really connected this to my ptsd but you’re right, this could explain what I’m currently feeling xx

[driedflowers]

Hi KIP,

I’m so sorry to hear this. I know you have been working so hard and I’m sorry you have been having a hard time of it.

You provide such amazing help and generous support to everybody on the forum; it is much appreciated.

Take care of yourself. You can do this!

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