equinoxal

[equinoxal]

Same for me. Like you I never considered it to be nonconsenual but reading the posts on here Make me think that maybe it was? Usually we would have a big fight which of course was always 100% my fault. For some reason this always puts him ‘in the mood’ (never understood this) and he would tell me it was my responsibility to make him feel better, which translates as I have to have sex with him. Sex is literally the last thing I feel like doing after having a big fight with him but I have to do it every time in order to keep the peace.

Or times when we weren’t even fighting and I just wasn’t in the mood- he would whine and get sulky until I gave in.

Love to you all 🙂

[equinoxal]

Thank you all for your responses. I am determined this time to really stick with the break up. He keeps sending me funny and loving texts because he knows it’s worked before & I’ve given in. It’s taking every ounce of willpower I didn’t even know I had to not respond to his texts! A problem I’ve always struggled with when we’ve broken up before is just blocking him as people always suggest- I feel so bad just blocking him with no notice. Even though I know he abused me, it just feels too hard and harsh to just totally cut him out. Ideally I would want an amicable break up, where we both agree to end the relationship and leave it at that. Maybe I’m wishing for something that just can’t happen though…

[equinoxal]

Thanks to all for your replies and advice.
I am definitely going on holiday with my friends now which I’m trying to look forward to. I cancelled my ticket to see him so now there’s no way I’m going on that date.
But now I’ve started to reconsider ending things with him, at least right now. I have to admit that I’m very weak and I haven’t been able to gather up the strength to end things. He tells me he is committed to me for life and is madly in love with me, his family are looking forward to seeing me..he keeps pushing me to find another flight as soon as possible and I promised him I would to stop him from getting upset. He told me I was making him ill/making him want to kill himself because I’m not committing to flying out to see him. How could I just block him when he is so intensely in love with me? And i have reciprocated his feelings even if they’re not genuine. I feel like it would be impossible to break up with him. At this point I could literally do anything and he would still refuse to break up with me.
I don’t know. I think I will wait to see how things pan out and maybe consider provoking him into breaking up with me.

[equinoxal]

Oops- that edit was supposed to say: I made contact with him because he is prone to anger when he perceives me as ignoring or avoiding him and I don’t want to deal with any more angry texts off him.

[equinoxal]

I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with that, he definitely sounds abusive. You deserve someone who respects and cares for you. It’s hard, but you can do so much better- I think you need to seek advice and start making plans to leave him. To add to the reading recommendations I would say Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is really helpful and insightful. Best wishes xx

[equinoxal]

It’s not your fault Serenity, you couldn’t have known your husband would turn into such a horrendous person. Please don’t blame yourself.
Thinking of you xx

[equinoxal]

Thank you for the helpful responses everyone. I think you are correct that he is probably laying a trap…in any case, today he ‘gave me a warning’ that he feels like he might flip out at something tiny soon. So it is probably unwise to leave him now. Ho hum. More waiting for the right moment to leave I guess.

[equinoxal]

Thanks for your responses, Confused & no contact. I’ve been trying to get through to Women’s Aid all day but keeps saying lines are busy. In any case he ignored me all day but was surprisingly not as angry as I thought he would be (as he usually is?), in fact he’s been in good spirits! However he’s used the fact I haven’t spent much time with him against me and now I can’t go to sleep when I’m tired tonight. I guess that’s better than an hour of him stone walling me though. xx

[equinoxal]

The general consensus among experts is that abusers never change, or at least it is extremely rare they do. Please don’t get back with him! My boyfriend is always saying ‘new week new me’ after I’ve broken up with him for being abusive. I fall for it every time but he never ever changes.

And don’t listen to your mum, it’s unfortunate but it sounds like she doesn’t know/understand what you’ve had to put up with. You deserve to be happy, independent and free xx

[equinoxal]

Hi Little Bear, I’m sorry to read about your horrible situation. It sounds like you’re in an extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. My boyfriend is similar in that he uses manipulation to prevent me from doing things, except he threatens to harm me in some way rather than himself.

As you already seem to be doing, you should tell as many people who you both trust as you can about his threats- his parents, friends, relatives etc- this way, in the event that he really does harm himself, you will feel less personally responsible. Also call Women’s Aid, as they will have some good advice for you and how to deal with this situation.

It’s not worth living half a life spent being controlled by him. It may sound harsh but I think you should continue to cut off all contact with this man. Imagine yourself in a year, five years from now- still with him, afraid of leaving him for fear of him killings himself. I guarantee his abusive behaviour will only worsen in that time.

You should also know that if he really does harm himself, you are not responsible or to blame. You cannot control the actions of others.
I hope everything works out for you.xx

[equinoxal]

I go through the exact same thing with my partner Liquorice, but walking on eggshells to avoid him getting upset is no way to live. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around him and his moods. I also think it is extremely likely that, even if you were 100% perfect and hyper aware of not ‘triggering’ him, he will still find something to be abusive over, no matter how small. With my partner I will avoid certain topics, correct my behaviours that upset him and manage my tone of voice and there will still be something he’ll find to get upset over. And even if your partner really does stop being abusive when you do everything right, that’s just simply not something anyone should have to put up with.

I read a quote from a Guardian article from a woman who had been emotionally abused which I think sums up your situation and emotional abuse in general very well:

“What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special. Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row – because they aren’t rows.”

[equinoxal]

Good for you Bridget Jones is Free, I’m really happy for you that you’ve made plans to leave him and aren’t engaging in any of his mind games or terrible behaviour. Both your life and your childrens’ will be so much better now and you can regain your right to be yourself, like you said (which is so precious- one thing Ive gained from my emotionally abusive relationship is realising the true value of freedom…I learned the hard way that I would rather have freedom than love and can’t wait til I can one day be free to be myself again).

I wish you all the best and hope it all works out. Xx

[equinoxal]

Kip- I know it sounds irrational and stupid but I feel bad blocking him. He keeps telling me how anxious this is making him, how sad he feels and how much he loves me etc. I worry if I blocked him it would send him into a deep depression.

[equinoxal]

I agree- I actually began compiling a list of all the ‘incidents’ a few months ago (needless to say it’s extremely long now) and I read through it to remind myself sometimes what he’s capable of. But when he is being so nice as he is now, it might as well have come from a different person entirely…and that makes me feel more confused/crazy. Like ‘did these things even happen? He’s nothing like that right now’ etc etc.

I accidentally let slip to him during a fight that I’d been keeping a log of the stuff he did..bad idea (obviously) he yelled at me that I was sad and pathetic for holding onto the past like that.

[equinoxal]

Hi Poetrygirl, thank you for your kind response. It is so exhausting and I feel like I’m in a permanent state of confusion. I relate to the part you said about wondering if I could survive on my own as he’s succeeded in isolating me and tearing down any self esteem I have so much so I doubt my own capabilities to cope without him. I really hope this will get better for us both soon. Xx

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