Fay of the North

[Fay of the North]

It can happen.
My mother separated from my abusive father. But he shared custody of me for years I grew up with him being violent towards me hitting me and threatening me as well as very emotionally abusive.

As I left home I immediately got stuck in an abusive relationship. I didnt recognise it as such as it wasn’t as extreme as my father and my partner would at least show me he loved me. I moved in with that partner and have stayed with him years… Because I didn’t know any better until very recently that I started to learn about things.

What I’m saying it look out for her, when you grow up with this type of thing sometimes you just don’t know any better.

[Fay of the North]

I reached out and you ladies delivered. ❤️

Thank you very much to everyone that answered, for your kind words and sharing experiences.

It’s difficult when you try to get back up on your feet and speak up to then be pushed away. But there is strength in these attempts anyway.

[Fay of the North]

Ive been having similar feelings lately.
I’ve previously just went along with it despite I didn’t really want to. I just didn’t want to upset him, not that he would force me or hurt me but I just wouldn’t want to upset him. I don’t want to be unfair to him and make him sound so bad.

But before when he would be trying with me I would just kiss him back but clearly try to settle myself to sleep. He would go in a huff make side comments and turn around on me. Or one time he stopped during it and was upset and said “(detail removed by Moderator)” and stopped. We haven’t been intimate in a while now. And I feel a bit awkward because now Im planning to leave. And he wants to do something around the festive period maybe go to the restaurant and I don’t want to because it sounds romantic and I don’t want the connotations of it. But then if I don’t go out for dinner and stuff how can I explain it he will know something up and will get angry I don’t do things with him.

I don’t know maybe I just don’t feel comfterbal saying no because I don’t want to make him angry, not really because of how he’s behaved when we were intimate. But because in general in any situation I wouldn’t want to make him angry because of how he reacted in different situations.

[Fay of the North]

You’re not going mad, it’s normal for people going through this type of thing to feel a lot of different conflicting things at once. When love is mixed with abuse what else can you feel?

But you have made this choice for you. Sounds like he’s had his chances if he pushed you to such lengths. Now this is the chance for you so hold your ground and stay strong.

I know Christmas can be a difficult and confusing time for many of us for this forum. I don’t really know how to feel at this time of year and kind of wish I didn’t have to celebrate Christmas I don’t want it to cloud my judgment. Coworkers and stuff are asking me how I’m spending it and things are not good, but since it’s Christmas he’s on his best behaviour and I don’t want to let it make me forget and push aside my experiences of him.

Be kind to yourself you are most definitely not going mad.

[Fay of the North]

I left and then I went back (detail removed by moderator) ago.

And well he hasn’t changed, he’s improved for periods but hasn’t changed and would go back to his controlling ways.

[Fay of the North]

This is what my partner is like.
He shouts at me and says things over and over and over again, he can go on for hours till I’m crying till I’m hysterical. I will end up agreeing with whatever he says even if I don’t truly. I will end up apologising even if I’m not sorry but just to make it stop. Then he will be upset that I’m not actually sorry.

Sorry to hear you’re going throght that, thank you for sharing I found the comments to your post helpful and eye opening. It too made me not bring things up as much anymore and “left no choice but to submit to it time and again. This silences you and makes you do as you’re told basically.”

[Fay of the North]

Yes it seems to be the best option… Dispite all my conflicting feelings

I have zero support where I’m at. My close family has abused me so can’t reach out to them. No close friends because I had to deal with my partner’s rages after I went out. Just mental health problems. Only thing that keeps me going is my job but I’m worried for it as I restarted getting some flashbacks and disacocating, I really can’t afford to get worse and damage this opportunity that I worked very hard for.

And well home life became a mental torment now I’m not in denial anymore. I can no longer sleep in the same bed that he pinned me down by my throat on. I just can’t.

I need to go, I tried looking for flats but no one has replied to enquiries 😣 I can’t spend months this way trying to get accommodation in secret and being afraid he finds out and goes into another rage.

I’m so grateful I don’t have kids with an abusive partner, my heart really goes out to you ladies that do xx

[Fay of the North]

Well I wanted to do it on my own, I kind of struggle to accept help. Feels like I have failed somehow if you know what I mean.

But I’m coming close to a break down not knowing how many weeks it could take me to find suitable accommodation/sort everything.

Parcialy a reason why I’m still there I didn’t have any savings to enable me to move with lockdowns and everything work/money was difficult. Only recently I got a job that enabled me to save a lil money. But I am overwhelmed no one has replied to my inquiries about flats even though I didn’t send that many it was still a step for me.

I too tried to deal with it all alone but I kinda need some help. I was advised not to let him know I’m planning to leave as it can make things worse but at the same time I can’t really pretend things are okay anymore. Also I’m worried about asking for help from a domestic violence organisation as I do not want police or social services to be involved if they deem it necessary. I’m unsure about the extent of their confidentiality.

[Fay of the North]

That’s really brave of you, idk if I could share it at work but I have been thinking about it.

I will need some logistics help though as previously when I tried to leave he wouldn’t take my name off the lease and agency couldn’t help unless we came to an agreement, not sure they could do anything. Tbf I didn’t give him any notice so at that time I ended up paying 3x rent in new place and rent in old place and I was left without money at all and no job, no support and him promising to change. 🤦‍♀️😞
I want to be better prepared this time.

[Fay of the North]

Maybe? It’s a large company so maybe they do. I didn’t consider online viewings so that could be an option.

I just don’t know how I feel sharing this at work. I basically haven’t told anyone in general and I haven’t been working there that long so I don’t know the people that well. In my head it kind of feels like it’s not really an acceptable problem you talk about at work and get help/support for not like sickness or bereavement.

[Fay of the North]

I know right, I’m horrified too thinking about it from a friends perspective. Something that has been quite helpful to me.
I’m glad to hear you’re starting to be able to talk to some friends about it. Yes the perspective, sometimes you need to be shown things from a different angle and the difference is shocking.

I somehow don’t feel able to talk about it with people because I feel as if that if I fail to leave I will feel judged or ashamed. One of the reasons I have stayed silent.. till I know I’m leaving for certain and how.
But that’s not very helpful part of the reason I’m in this situation is because I feel cut off from my support network and haven’t talked about it.

[Fay of the North]

It’s just like it’s not what you’d expect from him if you met him. It’s not what I’d expect from him on any other day. It’s like dose he really mean it but how do you do these things without meaning to.

I feel I’m rambling. I feel all mixed up.

He’s upset that I haven’t let it go. But I feel that the “forgive and forget” mentality is not always helpful. Sometimes you need to hold on to it to make sure you don’t let it happen again.

Well I started online therapy in secret a few weeks ago, to talk about things and get my mind straight on what’s happening in my relationship. It’s probably the best choice I did in a while. My therapist suggest to contact DV services and is worried that I may be at ‘risk’ but yeah i can’t quite accept it.

I could never call the police. I wouldn’t want to disturb someone’s life like that I wouldn’t want them to decide to press charges. I would rather try and leave the home if I can.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[Fay of the North]

It’s kind of funny because for people who haven’t gone through it it must be much more obvious. Our views of what is okay have been severely disformed.

I am reading things here and there and it’s been helping me to trust myself a bit more but I’m still just in disbelief, I let it go on for too long.

[Fay of the North]

Thank you for replying, right now I feel a lot of these things and I don’t know what to do.

I kinda want to leave but I was advised to plan a “safe” way to leave and that I might be at risk if I should leave. But I really don’t want to believe that it’s true or necessary.

Yes I am reading some and I’m only just coming to realise how badly he’s been behaving with me. Thank you for the suggestions

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