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[Genericusername]

I think maybe he will be surprised that I’m not too bothered about most of my left behind things, it’s not going to be enough of a hold over me, he may be surprised I don’t want to use them for a meet up excuse even.

I am thinking a lot about why he does things. Maybe he can sense I won’t want to see him and he’s stalling? Maybe he want me to loose emotional control and blow his phone up for a power trip? Maybe he didn’t want to breakup he’d be happy to keep driving me into the ground? And now he holding me stuck.

In someways I’d said to myself he must be the one to end the relationship. 3 times I was on the cusp of a breakdown and left him but my anxiety couldn’t cope with the consequences of my choice I didn’t trust myself. His power just got higher and higher making me work to win him back. No wonder he had no respect left for me. He run me ragged things were very unbalanced and unstable.
I knew I needed it to be his choice to end next time and I had to try to communicate instead of running just for my own sake of really letting go,

[Genericusername]

Thank you for everyone’s comfort. I’ve had to really bunker down these last few weeks. I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself. Hiding I guess. I’ve tried to distance myself from social media and things. I feel like the longer I’m away more and more buried trauma keeps coming up. I took a couple of trips over the last month. Great for a brief distraction but I guess now that I don’t have any more plans and anew term of study approaches, I just feel so messed up I’m worried with the added pressure. I had hoped to of started some therapy pre Sept. I’ve been from pillar to post and some places were a 12 month wait. Managed to get a referral for employee well-being service. 6 weeks, I’m surprised they took me as a student. I think I’m going to start work with a proper psychiatrist. I cried when they told me. So yeah I’m hanging in but I can really feel the toll lately. I did start looking into crisis lines today… I’m really trying to hold on.
What else I did post earlier and my health first post in a while.
My ex abused me, completely mentally broke me down and dumped me, but it was weirdly done, it was a bit wishy washy i want space, go and think about what you’ve done etc… I think he just maybe wanted to keep me in limbo some more maybe.
It was one of his flying monkeys that commiserated me about a week later on my break up so I took it from that they didn’t get that info from thin air. I don’t know but before I went into no contact he was just playing games, wouldn’t answer a straight question and had too much control over me. I did suggest getting my things so I could start my work but a month went by and he never replied. I was keen to try again for my things after taking some space. I again don’t want him reappearing as school starts for me. So I had to try.
I just sent a hey I’m conscious about needing some of my things can I give him a list? But he has ghosted me for a week. It’s really hard. He’s such a head worker and I’m always like why is he doing this and what does it mean??? I’ve just left it and I thought maybe there is one person who could I contact to arrange helping me with him so I can just close the door?
I assume he’s holding on to my things for a reason… I don’t want a fuss and I was going to ask for contactless collection or drop off to suit. I can’t see him.
He did weeks back say he wanted to meet but I was so raw I couldn’t risk it, he wouldn’t give me any clear reason, and I can’t trust him. I think maybe because I’m not doing perhaps what he expected me to do, he’s not happy and he’s silent treatmenting me. You’d think if he was done he’d want my things out of his space. They are just things I was going to ask this friend I have in mind to assist me with a handful of items and tell him to keep everything else if that’s what he wants to do still I don’t want anymore contact. I figure it’s a strong place to be. I think perhaps he might be embarrassed by me having to get his friend to help in this. So he should be.
He’s lucky I’m too traumatised to speak about how he has been, and how I am to anyone.

What do you think? Do you think I should be brave and ask this friend I trust, not that I’ll say anything other than can you please help me get this this and this, I’m not getting any response, I don’t want a fuss and a conversation isn’t needed. Keen to move forward.?

[Genericusername]

Thanks all it’s just not knowing how long I’ll be hanging on for I wish things like the freedom project were more like a walk in service.

[Genericusername]

Anyway one week of no contact and I hope I can see it through till forever. Anyone in the right mind would but I’m not in the right mind. He’s in my mind, my mind isn’t my own anymore. I’m climbing the walls.

[Genericusername]

Trying to stay away is the other. I do need the correct support otherwise I’ll just be overwhelmed with the need my need for comfort. Lord knows the cycle. I’m really trying to comfort myself but it’s way past not needing professional input.

[Genericusername]

I can see that I’ve not been treated nicely and I’ve come to that by myself that’s half the battle.

[Genericusername]

Sometimes just sometimes I do need someone to say this is what he did, this is how it brainwashed you and the affects had are common. I am watching and reading it to all sorts of stuff that I can relate to but it’s not the same. I just need looking in the eye on a weekly basis and validating my mindset.

[Genericusername]

It’s not you. X

[Genericusername]

I agree with the lady above, I’ve tried and tried with the various relationship communication blueprints available over the last few years. Nothing worked. I feel like the more I said and tried the more I made myself vulnerable to be pecked at by sharing how deeply I was impacted and cared.

Honestly don’t give the wrong person the keys to your head or heart.

It sounds like you may be in a position to receive practical assistance into a new home.. and a new life.
Take their arm off. x

[Genericusername]

Also Mellow I understand about the continuation of abuse long after you leave. I had that for years and years hence why in the end I went totally no contact, blocked, he couldn’t see me, talk to me, reach my phone, come to my house, I dropped our kid off and stayed in the car, I used a family member to get them dropped back to…. Literally didn’t give him an opportunity to get to me. I went off and lived. He was furious for a while. This was after (detail removed by Moderator) getting everyone under the sun on my back which was an extension of abuse that wasn’t recognised. It nearly broke me. But I rose up higher than I’d ever been eventually.
Enter guy number 2. He was in awe to start I genuinely believe that much… maybe it was their own insecurity and twisted way of feeling the most powerful… It was a very very gradual and sly approach. Obviously if I’d of got a whiff of how things were to go at the start I’d of been off like a shot… there was a solid year before things slyly started getting abusive. I was so confused it took me another year to cop on and another one to try to stop it. I burnt out, literally my light went out. Then I was abused for not shining anymore.
Creep.

[Genericusername]

I don’t feel sorry for this current guy, I didn’t with the last one either. They know what they are doing and it’s sickening. Some people don’t care though do they, they just go through life with no conscience or honour.

[Genericusername]

Shake it off I must I’m not getting any younger and I really do want real love and to share a happy life with someone who sees me.

[Genericusername]

First one it’s right I was angry, then it turned disappointment, then pitty. He can’t hardly looks me in the eye now and that’s how it should be. He knows. Over the last few weeks I have dropped my guard and given him an inch whereas I totally force fielded myself for several years. He lost all control I took it all. I don’t know what’s happened now I think because I was low after this all came to a head with the second guy I was like just be good to me and he has been alright to be fair but I know I need to be careful he will take a mile and be vile anytime he pleases I know him. I need to get my guard back up.
So yeah the second farce has been rough, harder to come to terms with definitely, I didn’t see it coming. He knew I’d been through an awful lot for one woman the way my past relationship was is only the tip of the iceberg. I guess I made the classic mistake of over sharing my woes only for them to be used as weapons to break me down.
It took a lot for me to let anyone in. I made myself vulnerable because that’s what you have to do in the quest for love and understanding but in the end I was vulnerable to nothing but abuse. I was desperate to not be in a toxic relationship again I ran myself into the ground, became a doormat and lived on crumbs. I’ve done well to be of survived. It’s totally messed me up though. I think this time is worse. It’s more mental and emotional abuse this time and I think the affects will be harder to shake off x

[Genericusername]

Killing me slowly 👆🏻 All of that x

[Genericusername]

Very interesting topic KIP, as you say I don’t want dramatic and stressful relationships and yet here I am again. I’d say I am fairly accustomed to it but I don’t want to be. There are family members that are equally hard work around me. Sometimes I think I just need to relocate to a dessert island. Or I guess I could do the work to protect myself in a more realistic approach. Stress doesn’t suit me… Any tips? Boundaries and reprogramming I guess? I’m 💩 with boundaries to be honest I guess because I don’t like drama and confrontation I avoid pushing back when I need to but crikey do people take the pee out of my laid back nature.

[Genericusername]

The craziest thing… so I’ve been invited to join family abroad for a mini breaK, which I really need. But I’ve yet to book my flight because uuugh I’m worried that when he finds out he will be abusive that I’ve done something without consulting him and prior to having “the talk” about where I stand with him first.
It’s ridiculous it really is. I know where I stand don’t I. Really need to get over this anxious/fearful conditioning that holds me accountable for the relationship not working, and do what the hell I want now. Especially since he ended it with me. He’s given me the push to fly right. What is going on with my thought processes I really don’t know but I figure it must be the way he’s managed to control my mind.

[Genericusername]

I think I’ve been gaslit more than I even realised and I had some inkling.
Things said such as “you are the least (removed by moderator) person I ever met”
“As much support as a lead weight”
“You do not try to understand me”
“You’re negativity brings me down”
“It’s all in your head”
“Can’t you take a joke”
“That’s just the narrative you’re telling yourself”
to name but a few… 🤢

[Genericusername]

Be kind to yourself hun. Who wouldn’t want someone to come in and rescue them, I expect you are feeling tired and low. I’ve been there. This is my second abusive relationship. I won’t go into the feelings that throws up. I found myself for the first time in 5+years wishing the first douche would show up for me. I laughed to myself just writing that sentence. I must of been through the wringer huh. 😉

[Genericusername]

I can also relate to this thread. I once saw an video that suggested women of value busy themselves when them man is busy or not paying them attention. Rather than whining or twiddling their thumbs etc. So I would apply this during the latter stages of my relationship to appear as though I hadn’t noticed. He noticed. ironically he had a habit of ignoring me for hours or days, weeks sometimes and always pulled me up on that time I was on my phone in his presence or sowed some seeds, folded laundry, talking to someone else or occasionally be unavailable etc.
There was rarely any peace for me. I was constantly shattered with the stresses. On the odd occasion he would sit to chill or chat I hoped he with me he would fall asleep or give me and inch squared of the couch to join in with the relaxing.
Domestic bliss right?

[Genericusername]

Hey hun, hope you had a better day. I think it’s good practice to say (quickly) in your head the response you would give now you are away or write it down. I get conscious about how much time I ruminate on things or ideas, or words etc. I think it’s coming from a place of being on egg shells and strategically planning everything I said or did.
My point is don’t let it take up too much of your time or focus, shift the energy into doing something positive for you guys. I hear simply cleaning out 1 drawer can have a crazy psychologically benefit. Little things x

[Genericusername]

I washed my hair on Tuesday first time since I was last abused. I must admit I did feel a lot more human. I recommend it. X

[Genericusername]

Thanks for all this x

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