Harriet123

[Harriet123]

It is so difficult having to stay in contact. Sometimes it feels harder than actually being with them.
what I find so frustrating is that court and judges don’t see that and don’t care. (court detail removed by Moderator).

it frustrates me as we are just told we have to continue as normal and they have no care about the mental affects it’s has on the women (and the children but it takes longer to show when they are young!)

 

knowing that I will have him in our life forever is so difficult but I guess I just have to remind myself that I’m stronger than I think and I will always be my daughters protector.

thank you so much for responding, I really appreciate it x

[Harriet123]

Thank you! I hope I can too. I don’t want to spoil something nice with a genuinely nice guy just because of the issues I have had in the past!

[Harriet123]

Hey @lionessinthedark,

Thank you so much, it was probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to go through with. But I know it’s all for the best.

I really think face to face meetings would be so good for me, hopefully they can start again sometime soon as it really is so helpful hearing other people situations and to really help yourself believe that you are not crazy!

How is your situation with custody? Do you find that you get along for the sake of your son? I just worry about going to court etc. As he will then turn very bitter and I want to keep everything between us as good as possible for the sake of our daughter. Xx

A diary is also something I want to start, it’s something I’ve seen lots of people suggest, but just also something I find quite scary for some reason…

[Harriet123]

Hi Kip, sorry for the late reply. Do you know how I make myself the legal resident parent? I know, I guess I’m trying to just keep him on side at the moment but I do know that when it comes to him finally accepting I’m gone for good that he will probably turn nasty again. X

[Harriet123]

Thanks Kip. It definitely does help getting out and about but it’s just those moments that you have a second to think which I find difficult. I guess long term therapy is definitely the best option.

He has been much better to me since I’ve left, he’s giving me space, seeing a counsellor and tells me how much he hates what he’s done to me but I’m taking it all with a pinch of salt as I know he can easily flip at any moment as I know what he’s like. M just trying to stay friendly for our daughters sake.

[Harriet123]

I’m starting to feel such anxiety at the moment. My heart races and I just feel sick. When I think back on all of the stuff he’s done and the way he treated me (which for some reason I can’t stop thinking about!) its like I feel such pain and stress. I don’t if it sounds stupid but it’s almost like now I’m finally realising the intensity of all of the stuff he’s done which makes me feel like I have a bit of PTSD from it – I don’t know if that sounds stupid or over the top but I feel so upset and my heart is racing so fast and I just feel such anxiety. I just go over so many things in my head and just wish I could forget about it all!

[Harriet123]

He’s started to show his true colours again. I really was surprised when he seemed like he was being mature about this but I guess now he realises that I’m not coming home so he will be nasty. He’s trying to make out that I’m unstable, that I need more help than just a counsellor like I should go on a retreat or something. It’s so frustrating like I just want to scream at him and say no all I need is to get away from you emotionally abusing me but if I say that he will just become even more difficult to deal with. Hate that he makes out I’m crazy when really I am just fed up of being shouted at and being told I’m worthless and useless etc etc. Every other day!!

[Harriet123]

I left today. I actually did it. I’m so shocked I actually went through with it.

There’s some part of me that really feels like this is the worst decision, I feel like I’ve let my family down, and that all I want to do is run back.

But the other part of me reminds myself I did this for a reason and I tried for so long but he still carried on being horrible to me.

I ended up telling him this morning when my mum was on her way that I was going to leave. He handled it much better than I expected. I thought he would get angry etc. But he just got really upset. He’s told me he will go and see a counsellor and that he’s so sorry etc. But it’s just something I’ve heard before and never got anywhere with. I really want to believe him but I just can’t, not until he’s actually showing that he is actively trying to get better and genuinely wants to get better for himself.

I feel so guilty but I just know I can’t let myself fall for it again. I have to stay strong but it’s so difficult. I feel like the next week or two are going to be so difficult at trying to make sure I don’t just go back there.

Thanks for all of your support, honestly don’t think I could do it without all of you. X

[Harriet123]

I spoke to my mum and no surprise she was really supportive.
My plan is to leave (detail removed by moderator) when my parents have my daughter as part of childcare. I don’t want my boyfriend to suspect anything so I’d rather just pretend everything is normal until it’s time to go. I want my daughter out of the house as well as I know he will have a moment of rage.

One thing I’m not sure whether to do, is to talk to him before I leave and explain my thoughts and what I’m going to do now or to just leave and then text him. I’m know he will definitely have anger at first and then it will probably turn to sadness and he will beg me to stay and I just don’t want to be sucked back in and let him manipulate me into staying.

Does anyone have any suggestions? X

[Harriet123]

Thanks a lot, I actually replied to him and said I did not want to meet and talk and if there was anything he wanted to discuss then we could do it through ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ app. He didn’t like that and was rude and just tried to gaslight me and say things to try and hurt me.

It reminded me that I made the right decision and to always listen to my gut feeling.

Strangely, I still always hope that he will be a good person and change but he reminds me time and time again that he won’t.

[Harriet123]

Amazing, it’s one of the things I struggle with the most. Trying to prove and show people that he’s an awful dad but feeling like no one sees it just because my daughter doesn’t have a bruise on her body. He uses her as a tool to get to me, he doesn’t actually care properly about her feelings, she’s just another human that he can manipulate and it’s so difficult to see it happen to my own daughter especially as she’s so young.

[Harriet123]

They were really great and everyone was really friendly. It’s my worst nightmare speaking in front of new people but it made it easier remembering that we are all in the same boat. I left him (detailed removed by Moderator) years ago, but we have a child together meaning we have to co parent which has been extremely difficult as he’s continued to try and control me and be nasty to me. I’m in the process of legal action now but it’s so difficult. 🙁

[Harriet123]

Turns out I didn’t need to be as worried and anxious as I was. I’m now looking forward to my second one too!

[Harriet123]

I’ve recently started the gym, and my god it helps so much. I started with a friends so I go with her every time but I would like to get to the point where I feel comfortable to go alone, so I am working on that.

These are all affects from what he has done to me and because he’s still in my life causing me grief I find it difficult to get rid of the trigger because he is it.

I’m waiting for counselling, only a few more weeks now until I get my space so hopefully they will be able to help with coping mechanisms etc.

Thank you x

[Harriet123]

Hi Bee1,

It’s awful isn’t it?! They just need control and will use whatever they can to hurt us most!

My sister has recommended meditation as she doesn’t feel as though pills are the best way forward, personally neither do I but I just don’t know whether it’s worth a try.

Meditation I have tried but sometimes I find that it makes me more anxious when I try to be relaxed if that makes sense?
However, I am up for trying again so I will definitely have a look at Michael Sealey on YouTube to see how I get on with that.

Thanks for your help. Xx

[Harriet123]

Thank you Darcy.

I completely agree just sometimes find it so difficult because he if he messages me it just takes over my mood and motivation to do good things for myself and he just make me feel like such a bad person that I just get upset.

A vision board sounds like a great idea actually!

I just need to also find a hobby but got so nervous about going out and doing these things alone.

Xx

[Harriet123]

I’m not sure how well third party contact would work but it may be something I have to put in place once he finds out I’m taking things legal.

I spoke to victims support who have given me the contact number for my local womens aid as they may be able to offer me counselling before the nhs one becomes available.

I’m also now worried about how bad things are going to turn once he finds out I’m going legal and I still have doubts in my head that everything is my fault and the outsiders will blame me and not see him for his abusive ways. I didn’t document much to doctors, police etc. so I’m worried the evidence I do have won’t look like enough!

[Harriet123]

Thanks so much ❤️

[Harriet123]

Hi Camel,

That’s what I was thinking about today, is how to write it… but I guess you just have to write what comes to your mind straight away and not think about how it’s written.
It’s so positive and encouraging hearing how well it worked for you, It’s definitely something I’m going to try.

Thanks so much for your support. Xx

[Harriet123]

Hi Fizzylem,

I know I definitely need to feel the pain to be able to get over it but I just hate being upset I try and block it all out but when I do just let myself cry i cry for ages and ages and I hate it because I’m so fed up of being upset and crying. I just want to be happy now – I am much happier now that I’ve left but it’s just the days I have to myself that I find difficult as my daughter isn’t there to keep me distracted and going. I have my friends and family but I seem to be pulling myself back from spending time with them and just chill in my room by myself because i just prefer to be alone sometimes but not sure if it’s best for me.

I’ve always found it difficult to talk to people when I feel down, I just hate feeling like a burden and don’t want other people to feel sad or anything so find it easier to keep things to myself. Which is something I really hate about myself and also something I really going to make sure my daughter doesn’t do as it’s brought me so much pain just by not opening up to people.

I will definitely look into that book, thanks a lot for the suggestion.

Thanks a lot for your support. I know I really do need to open myself up and let myself process the pain properly to become a much happier person that I really want to be. It’s just such a scary process. But I know I’ll be able to do it, it will just take time. Xxx

[Harriet123]

Thank you so much, honestly that was such a nice reply to read it made me feel really easy for some reason.

The pain of the past always seems to come back when I’m alone and it’s why I’m struggling to deal with, I just don’t know how to handle it. My daughter was with her dad last night and I just spent a good hour or so crying to myself going over all of the nightmares from the past that I can’t seem to cope with. I’m really struggling with dealing with them. Even when I paint my nails or have a nice bath etc. It just doesn’t seem to help because straight afterwards whenever I’m alone, I just feel like such rubbish. I also have a massive fear of no one ever being able to love me again because I fear that I will be “too damaged” for anyone to love me again and I really just don’t want to be alone 🙁

I’ve never experienced a face to face meeting but I reckon it’s the sort of thing that would really help me through all of this as I just don’t think friends/family truly understand the damage it’s done to my head. Although they are all completely supportive of me I just find it difficult really going into depth about it all. Xxx

[Harriet123]

I have a counsellor so I’m hoping speaking to her my help and I guess she will have suggestions on what else I can do. It’s such a weird feeling, you think you’re over it and dealt with it in the past but it all comes rushing back!

[Harriet123]

Bettertimesahead – this is something my mum suggested to do and to write a journal to really be able to get my feelings out. Thanks 💗

[Harriet123]

The only thing is, we have a child together so cutting contact isn’t really possible. He wants to see her and I don’t want to deprive her of seeing him even though he’s been awful to me as much as I would love to, it’s not fair on her as she loves him.
I don’t think counselling will work for him either, already I can see it’s his way of trying to suck me back in by him acting like he’s doing something right by going. But I still think he should try.
I am also looking into some hobbies, I’m not sure what yet but I need something to focus on on the days I don’t have my daughter which hopefully won’t be too often!

Thanks so much 💗

[Harriet123]

He went had his first counselling today and said it went really well and then expected me to just come back now that he’s started it. I’ve told him I can’t, I said I can’t even consider getting back with you until you actually show improvement and that things are really working which will take a few years not just one session.

Which now brings the anger out of him. It’s like he forgets about everything he’s done to me, the gambling, the excessive drinking, the emotional abuse and he does one thing ‘right’ and expects me to come running back like he’s a changed man. Now he turning it around on me saying I’m selfish for holding onto the past even though I’ve told him that just because the gambling stopped and the drinking, taking out his anger on me has not stopped so his issues are still very present. But he only sees the good in himself and because he’s not as bad as he was it means that I must get over it.

I’ve told him he’s broken me as a person, I feel destroyed and he literally replied “haha”.

I’ve been crying pretty much all evening. My sister called and asked how I was and straight away I burst into tears. I just can’t hold it in. This is going to be so tough, I just feel such anxiety and stress. I just want to fast forward a few months to be able to get back to work and seeing friends so life just feels more normal and easier to continue. I’m just so scared of the next few months and feeling so upset. I just want to be happy now, I’m sick of crying and being unhappy. 🙁

[Harriet123]

It’s been a back and fourth couple of days I’m my head but keep reminding myself how he’s made me feel and then remember that this is for the best.

If you know that leaving is going to be the best thing for you and for your daughter then taking her out of school now and moving her to a different school is what is best for her. It may be unsettling for her at the beginning but she will benefit from it in the long run. And once she’s made new friends and settled she will be fine.

I think we find any reason to keep us from going because we feel it may not be the right time but when will it ever be ‘the right time’? What I’ve realised is I was always going to find a reason to make it not suitable because of this that and the other and if I wait for this then I can do it after that but there’s always going to be something stopping us. If you truly believe in your heart that you and your daughter would be better off moving out then you can do it whenever you want to. Life will always bring something to get in the way but you’ve got to do what you know is right. It will be difficult at first and you will question yourself after you leave (which is what I’m doing now) but you’ve got to remind yourself, this isn’t being done because you’ve given up or you’re the one doing something wrong. This is what you’ve been driven to because the person who is supposed to love and support you is not treating your family right.

You can do this. It will be hard but you’re doing it all for the right reasons and your daughter will settle into a school somewhere else. I’m here when you need me in whatever decisions you decide to make and whenever you decide to make them. Xx

[Harriet123]

Thanks Hetty. I know, I am definitely going to keep reading books and watching YouTube videos as I don’t want to let myself fall into his trap again.
I really hope that counselling does something for him, not because it will benefit me but because I genuinely hope he gets better as I want my daughter to grow up with a dad who is stable and not a mess. But atleast me leaving will always show her that I can be strong enough for her and be happy. There’s too many times when I’ve had to try and hide my tears infront of her and that’s not what she needs.
Everytime I feel guilty, I think about the stuff he has said and done and it makes me remember why I did this. I’m going to by a journal so that I can get my emotions out on that and hopefully look back in a years time and realise how much happier I am then to what I am now.

Thanks so much for your support. I will definitely keep posting as I’m sure I will have a few more hurdles to overcome yet but just need to remember that I can always get back up again. 💗

[Harriet123]

Thanks gettingtired. It’s such a scary thing but I know it’s all for the right reasons. I hope you are ok and if you need a chat let me know. You will be able to leave when you feel you are ready. Just keep strong ❤️

[Harriet123]

Thanks Trueblue. Yes, well I keep trying to think back to before when he’s told me he sorry etc and he would change but never did so I’m trying to not let myself forget the heart ache that he’s put me through because he has really broken me as a person.

I hope you are doing ok and can leave when you feel the time is right for you. I’m hoping that the thoughts about it and the first few weeks or so are the hardest parts. As surely it can only get easier from now?! Just keep strong and do what is right for you 💗

[Harriet123]

Thank you.

My mum said she could wait for me down the road and I might meet her later in the week to give her some more things so I’m not leaving with a suitcase. He does occasionally go out for a run so fingers crossed he goes that day which would make it a lot easier.

It such a scary thought but I’m feeling really strong and ready to go. I just hope I don’t crumble when the time comes.

I’ll let you know how it goes. X

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