healingbutterflybabe

[healingbutterflybabe]

In response to: He has a new girlfriend now, and I’m currently in counselling wondering why he gets to move on and I’m left struggling.

It will appear he has moved on, but he hasn’t. He’ll abuse her just as he abused you. People like him do not change. He cannot change, but you can. You can heal, and have a healthy successful relationship and are deserving of one. You are doing the work through therapy, he will always be the monster he showed himself to be. He is filling a void. He will date people, and break them until they’re as miserable as he is inside and will repeat this cycle. You’ve made a choice to not be a part of this dance (which is incredibly brave).

XOXOX

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey sweetheart,

I’m going to sound really blunt here, but it comes from lived-experienced, and nothing but love and support, understanding towards you.

When me and my abusive ex broke up, we had a lot of mutual friends and a life together too. Our ‘friends’ all took mostly took side – and would convince me of how miserable he was since I left, and how much he loved me etc and how I should take him back after physical and emotional abuse. It was very difficult, ultimately, we were seen as a couple who were ‘just’ as toxic as each other. For a long time I believed their narrative, and after some time I realised, they were wrong and they had been victims of his manipulation and gaslighting too. The hardest realisation was, there were never really my friends / nor believed me if they took his side/ pushed the ‘forgive him / he loves you’ narrative.

I was abused. You were abused too. I did nothing to deserve it. You did nothing to deserve it. Nobody deserves about. It wasn’t equal. It wasn’t ‘just a toxic relationship’. They were not real friends at all. They said they cared, but ask yourself this, would a real friend with good morals choose to be friends with someone who had abused their friend? Would you stay friends with a friends abusive ex? What does that say about their morals?

So I went no contact, not just from my ex but from all our mutual friends. I combed through all social media and blocked / removed them which was very hard. They were people I grew up with. I essentially had no friends. It was lonely as hell. I leant on my parents massively.

In order to cut ties and move on, you need to have zero contact with your ex. Being in the same company, with the same friends, hearing about his life and new relationships is only going to hurt you and hold you back from healing. If changing jobs isn’t an option at the moment, gradually work towards it, put strong boundaries in place with your ‘friends’ until you feel able to let go “e.g. I understand you think it’s beneficial to share xyz with me about my ex, but I would prefer if you didn’t update me on his life as I’m trying to move on”.

With time, I slowly started attended survivors groups for abuse survivors, women’s centres, women circles, dance classes, recovery colleges, PTSD courses, acupuncture etc. I basically started very very slowly meeting new people, and it was scary as hell and still is learning to trust new people and letting go of a past life – after awhile I had one new friend who shared the same morals and values with me, who listened to my story, believed me, supported me and validated my feelings and I did same in return. I then made another friend, and another friend and now I have a whole new circle of really kind, lovely friends some who understand what I’ve been through, some who just share the same passion of hobbies. Please look into local support, to build connections with new people.

Now (1-2 years later) I look back at those old friends I clung to so hard, and was so sad that they weren’t supportive etc and what I see is people who didn’t want to see the abuse, people who didn’t share the same values and morals, people who didn’t want the same things in life as I did. I still keep a few in my life but I pick and chose what to share with them, and have strict boundaries about my ex in place.

The moral of my shared story is, You are so worthy and deserving of REAL friends who love and support you. Who VALIDATE your feelings. Who BELIEVE you through and through. WHo see you as the beautiful QUEEN you are. There are people out there, really kind people who would love to be your friend and are ready to be your friend. I strongly urge you apply for a new job in a different company and gradually cut these ‘friends’ off. It doesn’t have to be unkind or nasty, but these people aren’t your friends. I can be your virtual friend, if you’d like and that’s one person by your side. You are not alone. You have us here and a whole world out there for you.

In terms of trusting new people, this is something I don’t have an answer for you other than it takes time. When you make new friends, you’ll slowly learn to trust them, and open up, it isn’t a race and new friends will understand but it is so important you have people in your life who support you with your situation, and are understanding. Not everyone understands what it means to survive abuse or experienced it, but compassion and love can be given by most. It really is just about time and making new connections.

You have all the power to build a completely new life away from your ex, his new girlfriend and your unloyal friends.

Sending you SO much love beautiful angel. I am more than happy for you to message me if you need to talk. You are not alone. I believe you. I hear you. I see you. XOXOX

[healingbutterflybabe]

Sorry it’s so long winded!!!!!

[healingbutterflybabe]

I don’t know anyone who is unable to work, unable to date, healing from abuse I guess???

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey Eyesopening,

I really hear you, and I’m sorry that you’re having a difficult few days. As much as it brings up, I would see the crying as releasing and grieving for the life you had or believed you may have had if the abuse wasn’t there.

I’m in a similar position, but I can’t bring myself to go on dating apps and yet and maybe you’re not ready too yet and that’s okay. There is no time-limit on healing from a difficult / toxic relationship. I believe in meeting people the traditional way, through friends or friends, through hobbies etc but this will take time. You say how comfortable you have been feeling on your own, and focusing on yourself and maybe you need to continue to do that just for a little longer, then slowly by slowly socialise a little more, build up some solid healthy and compassionate friendships, then possibly visit the future again. Dating apps again?

I don’t know your age, but I also had terminations due to my previous relationship and that does come with a lot of anxiety about having children in the future. My friends mother who’s in her late 40’s just had a really healthy baby. It isn’t too late. There are so many options now. For now, focus on yourself, be kind to yourself, you are so brave and so strong and doing SO well. You will get the things you desire, just with time.

Take some time out for self-care today, and the following days. Be gentle with yourself. Speak to your loved ones (maybe not specifically about the details unless you’d like to but just a chat / catch up if you feel able to.)

You’re not alone with these fears, they are perfectly rational. I stand with you beautiful. I hope this helps a little? Sending you SO much love!

[healingbutterflybabe]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post, I really appreciate it. 🤗🤗🤗

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hi Bananaboat,

Dating and sex is definitely on the back burner, as it has been for quite a while. This journey feels lonely sometimes and I feel it’s okay to get frustrated and missing that connection with someone and exploring.

I do try new things frequently and do yoga everyday which I love. When I was working in (detail removed by moderator) etc – I was never told I wasn’t good enough, but I did overwork to use it as a coping mechanism to survive the abuse I was enduring. It was the perfect distraction and I absolutely loved it, but it did become the only thing I did – work bloody hard obsessively and then go home to be abused emotionally and physically. It was all I had in my life – not really any friends, broken connections with my loved ones. This was all the past, but I can acknowledge the trigger of my old love and hobbie it’s just incredibly frustrating. I’m really feeling a void where my creative part of me used to be – it’s so difficult.

Yes, getting up everyday is something I used to not be able to do. I do have options now that I didn’t have before, although the mental and physical damage makes it limiting to do a lot of what I want to do. I’m still grateful I can wear what I want, eat what I want to extent. I live with my mother, which I’m also grateful for because I cannot financially support myself to live independently right now but I am still controlled by her to extent which is tough but it’s still much MUCH better than living with my abusive ex.

I’ve had a lot of EMDR, therapy and counselling, I think I mentioned it in my post… It’s just a difficult day today, and I’m venting and unloading.

I am at the start of a new chapter, thank you for reminding me. 🙂

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hi iliketea!

I follow Yoga with Adrienne – she has a calendar on her website and all her videos are free on Youtube. She does a range of basic, to intermediate – I try to do it everyday or at least five no matter how much I’m suffering. It’s the one thing I try to do even if I struggle to eat or wash that day.

She is trauma informed and has videos specifically for suffering, anxiety, PTSD, Trauma, healing etc. I find following her calendar gives me the best sense of routine and a good range of variety.

I do go to in-person yoga classes when I can but I haven’t this month because of COVID cases increase.

(detail removed by moderator)

In terms of homeopathy, I get it through my local domestic abuse charity RISE who offer it at a discounted price – homepath really focus on how emotions / different mental states and physical impact the body and give you medicine (sugar cubes essentially with tiny parts of plants and trees depending on your needs) and it just helps things to move through your body. It sounds super hippy like that but it isn’t, its jsut alternative medicine. Look it it.

I hope this helps you! xxx

[healingbutterflybabe]

nbumblebee,

You’re so welcome. We need to celebrate the positive moments right?! Xxxx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey Cocktails3,

It is f*cking hard. The most painful and hard thing out of it all. It’s like drug withdrawal that’s why it’s so hard. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about him, I still do a lot but as each day goes past that grip he has lessens a little, even if I get 15 minutes without him on my mind it’s a better day. Eventually it’ll be a whole day without thinking of him. Then a week. Then a month than a year.

I’ve broken no contact so many times since leaving in (detail removed by moderator) – realising it’s 2022 gave me a push. I thought I spent so long in the relationship (detail removed by moderator) trying to leave, I don’t want him to have any more of my time. I want 2022 to be a year without him, without him having access to manipulate me. I want to be free and no contact is the only way.

You’re amazing and you can do this, one day is still a success. Keep thinking of what you need a deserve – change your number, your email, move away, do whatever you can. YOU CAN DO THIS, it doesn’t matter how many times it takes you, you can, I’m here xxxxxxx

[healingbutterflybabe]

@Kip Merry Christmas btw.. xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Thanks KIP!

Yes, you’re right. Why is it hormones make it all so much more intense?!? I’ve got that book in my list to read… trying to read a bit of lighthearted stuff at the moment to give my mind a break from Recovery over Christmas! I’ll attempt that next! 👍🏽 Thanks for the suggestion/ reminder of that book.

I feel stronger from it for sure – just hate the arsehole! XOX

[healingbutterflybabe]

It’s like the time I wasted loving him, was a losing game. There was never a going to be a happy ending with him, and now I’m free, I’m still suffering from C-PTSD. I’m just so angry. I’m due on my period too and it isn’t helping.

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey Grey Rock,

It really is a headf**ky time isn’t it?! I’m sorry to hear you experienced this too but I’m also so grateful for you advice and to hear you’re far removed from the situation. It’s the manic overthinking, zombie feelings that are just completely draining me.

I’ve read the “Living with a Dominator book” but I don’t remember Out of the Fog… I found it was very focused on violence rather than coercion but I am waiting for a course for survivors to start in the New Year focused on coercive control / manipulation / emotional abuse etc and although I feel I can see through it in most people, I’m looking forward to be in an environment to learn more and also have the reassurance I’m not insane – that their behaviours do drive us to feel this way.

I hope you have had a positive few days, you’re lovely and so supportive. Look after yourself too – it can’t be easy discussing these things. I’m still on it with No-contact and want to be for the rest of my life if I can help it, as I hope for all of us.

Healing Butterfly Babe xo

xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey Grey Rock,

Thank you for your message. It really is a train crash. I don’t think it was for closure, I’m not sure what it was. Yes, he really doesn’t care at all. It is always all about him. He’ll be raging or pitying himself.

Yes that is it, to absolutely guard myself to not be in a situation where he can reach me. I’m sorry to hear this happened to you too – these men are pure evil.

Please can you talk me through how to set up a folder so the emails go in there through private message? I’m struggling to find this out individually. Gathering evidence is a really good idea.

Sending big love and hugs, thank you x x x x

[healingbutterflybabe]

Thank you, Vanillastar.
It’s really hard. I think abusive relationships and moving on abuse is the hardest thing in the world, so many traumas mixed in with it rather than just one traumatic event. I am feeling strong, and much better for posting on here. I will be kind to myself, and keeping fighting. Thank you. You’re a survivor too. 🙂 xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

hugs xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hi eyesopening!

Yes, I agree, I’ve completed so much therapy, and I do feel like a new person, I still have c-ptsd and working on it, but I’m still like uncomfortable with men, less so because of trauma, but more because I have no exposure to them now so it’s almost increased that void.

It’s a weird one. I do feel really happy being single, I really do. You’re right in saying the next guy is going to have to be amazing to get you into a relationship again, I feel the same. I just feel like it’ll be good to mix more with men. I feel so like, just surrounded by females all the time? It feels like I’m living in a bubble without men.

I’ve got into dance a lot more, that’s what I focus on a lot. That’s my passion really.

Thanks for the advice, feeling like I’m in a black hole with it recently xxx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hi Stronglife…

Oh dear. That has been my fears. Have you got any male friends? I’d prefer to start there, but it’s hard.

Thank you for your feedback love, sending you a big hug xxx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey…. yes…
It’s really isolating and weird being so uncomfortable to date / sex or even to be friends with a man. I also am young though and a part of me thinks, this is my prime time? Will I ever look this good again?

Bless you. It is really hard. I don’t come into contact with men at all, maybe the odd doctor but even then, he’s quite feminine!

Please drop me a message if you wanted to talk about it! I know it can feel overwhelming and isolating!xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey dried flower!

Thank you, yes, I know how important making new make friends will be to my healing, it’s nice have that reaffirmation from you too. I just honestly have no way to know how, hence my post on here.

I’m not currently working, and when I do the odd job, I’m self-employed so I work alone rather than with other people.

Yes, with C-PTSD I feel the same. I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone a lot this last year, after spending a long time shrinking inwards. Things like going to the pub (occasionally), seeing friends plan in bands, going to house-gathering, I went to a festival but didn’t speak to one man during that process haha! Most of them were positive and are pushing me more, but I’m still not in contact with men lol.

The men you became friends with sound really respectful, and ideal candidates for male friends! I’m really happy to have heard your experience, it does give me hope to know there are good men out there! Absolutely great qualities to a friendship. I’m wondering how and where you met men to become friends with? I’m really looking for guidance around that. I’ve had a lot of encourage from friends to meet men but like how? There’s never a clear answer or examples which is hard for me as I’m not sure how?

I’m currently dancing, in walking groups etc and I go to recovery groups too, but still haven’t been able to meet men lol. I will keep going and hopefully eventually I will meet men. There doesn’t seem to be much of a community where I am based. A

Thanks for your suggestions and advice, it’s really appreciated! 🙂

[healingbutterflybabe]

Thank you so much, Amethysest light!

I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am, and honestly am incredibly proud of myself. This relationship with Men though is really isolating. Also congratulations to you!!! I can hear you’ve worked really hard to move on to a healthy life and focusing time on yourself. It isn’t easy and it sounds like you really went for it.

Thank you for sharing your story with me – I’m really sorry you experienced abuse – not one person on this planet deserves it! I almost think emotional abuse is worse in some ways as it takes so long to pinpoint it all and is so damaging mentally. With me too, the main abuse I experienced was emotional and coercion. Although I left a few years ago now, it was only this year I really saw it clearly in black and white. The last puzzle piece was competing the Freedom Programme and also, the Recovery from Abuse programme with the Lotus Project which specifically looks at emotional abuse.

I’ve focused a lot on recovery work, in terms of therapy groups, therapy 1:1., CBT groups, competing trauma pathways etc. I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning now and working through healing from abuse. That’s incredible that you were doing recovery work subconsciously, it really shows you how powerful our brains can be.

The reason I stayed with my ex so long too was because I felt I didn’t connect with anyone like him either – but that was all fake looking back. He was mirroring me with my own personality until I was ‘in love’ with him and then revealed his true self, while selling me a picture perfect story. He often made it difficult for me to be friends with men, I also lost a lot of male friends that we shared mutually as they enabled the abuse and I realised, that the friends I had in my life, weren’t really friends at all. Just a brunch of very damaged souls.

It’s really good to hear about your experience of dating apps, and your advice about how to face it / think about it. It’s also wicked to hear of a success match on there! I’m so glad you’re in a healthy relationship following abuse this makes a lot of sense. I will eventually like to give it a go, and will approach it as a learning experience instead of like, life partner? I think one of the problems are, I don’t really know what I want? I’ve not had a normal relationship before or had one night stand so I don’t know what I’m looking for really.

A lot of the hobbies I do… well dancing, walking in nature, women circles, etc. Most of my female friends are in same-sex relationships, meaning I’m often around a lot of women and their partners. I’m not particularly into sports, I don’t know. I just don’t know where to meet mean as friends. I guess there’s bumble for friends? Maybe that way idk.

Thank you sweetie for the support, xxx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hi Red Strawberry,

Thank you for the solidarity. It’s really alienating being alone with my beliefs – so many of my friends just go on dates, have casual sex, masterbate and I feel like this weird alien that just doesn’t relate or feel capable.

I just don’t know how to respond to – “What do you do?” “Why don’t you work?”. I don’t know how to say I’m not working at the moment to focus on my mental and physical health. It’s off-putting isn’t it? Can attract another abusive person (I know I’d spot the signs right away but still, it’s terrifying being vulnerable again).

I feel like I’ve never been seen by a man, apart from my ex and he chose me for the reason he thought I’d make a great mother one day, a great wife – he saw my empathy and compassion then used it to abuse me, control me and groom me until I was able to leave and see beyond his mask. Other than him, I’ve felt so unseen by men. So alien with my traditional beliefs.

I hope we are both able to date one day again.

Sending hugs xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey Living Warrier,

Thank you for sharing your story and providing me with an example of a healthy and stable relationship.

I’m also at the point in my mind where I’m thinking, I’m over my ex so why am I still avoiding dating / sexual activity or anything with in that relm. The answer is, despite loving myself I still feel like an alien and not good enough to date while I’m unemployed / recovery journey (which may last the duration of my life).

I don’t even know if I could go on a date, I mean physically yes, and you’ve said you gave them enough info without giving them too much – what kind of things did you say? If you’d feel happy sharing I’d love to know. You’re right it’s important to remember I have the power to say no to a second date if a man is into just sex which I am absolutely not. I am terried of dating applications as right away it’s judgement on appearance and I want a man to see me for my intelligence, conversation etc.

What are safety rules?

I’m really happy for you, to move on and find happiness. That’s beautiful and you’re so deserving. Thank you for sharing your story 🙂

[healingbutterflybabe]

I’m so glad you liked the message, I was worried I came across too harshly. It’s hard to know when to give advice or if it’s unsolicited advice. It is so difficult to know when you’re ready, but with time, you will know. I know women’s aid suggest two years after no contact to start to date, but that is just their suggestion.

Dating apps are scary and toxic, but then again some of my friends met their husbands on their so I suppose it’s a draw or luck?! Who knows! I am so glad you’ve made the decision to continue dedicating your time to yourself, and hobbies and friendships / relationships with family.

This network of survivors is a perfect place to speak about your emotions and your journey, to discover you’re not alone. You’re always welcome to private message me, I’m on here once a week.

I truly believe you’ll meet the right person, when the times right. <3
Keep on doing what you’re doing, you’re doing amazingly. xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Thank you. It was straight from my heart in a very painful moment. I hear you, and appreciate that. Wobbles will come and go, like waves of the sea. It’s about learning to surf on top instead of drowning. Well done for leaving, it’s bloody hard. Peace is so worth it! Hugs 🤗🤗🤗

[healingbutterflybabe]

Thank you Goldenretrieveher 💜

It really has taken me a few years and a lot of going back to him, and more heartbreak to get to this point. The only thing that seems to work is no contact and it’s honestly like withdrawing. It’s really hard, and everyone has their own timeline with healing and recovery.

I’m really really glad my post has helped to inspire you to continue on this painful journey, it will all be worth it for all of us and it’s our power and choice now. We can all do this. Together 💜.

Big hugs 🤗🤗🤗

I read this today:
“The saddest end to a relationship is the one where you have to break up with sombody or leave when you’re still in love with them, trauma bonded or connected in some way. It sounds bizarre but it happens, because the truth is, as powerful as it may be, being in love or having a bond doesn’t always equal happiness. You can continue to love someone even after they’ve hurt you, but you know deep inside that it won’t ever be the same again”.

[healingbutterflybabe]

It was really purely from my heart, I was crying as I wrote it 💜
It felt really raw and I wanted to share with other survivors.

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey thesoundofrain,

It’s crazy how much they change us, influence us and break us down right? I keep thinking the person / people we were before are very much still apart of us and within time will come out and meet with our new identities. As humans we change everyday, I just hope that I can reconnect to some of my past joys after some more recovery and healing.

I’ve looked at Melanie Tonia Evans, I find it hard to take in a lot of her stuff but I keep meaning to spend some time watching some of her videos. I’ll see if I can track down the talk on emptiness. Thanks for giving me the recommendation! 🙂

We are all worthy of a new start, or rather a bright future – (detail removed by moderator) is not wasted, you still have the rest of your life and leaving at (detail removed by moderator) is better than 40 years. Awareness is absolutely key, keep learning and don’t give up. I believe in you!! You must be amazingly strong to have survived for this long, I hope you recognise that in yourself.

Thank you for sharing your story with me – I can rebuild and so can you. This community proves we are not alone. Sending you lots of strength and love. xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hello, Ariadne 🙂

Thanks for replying and the encouragement!! I hate that so many of us feel this way, and I hate the time it takes to recovery. I’ve learnt it’s life-long work, but I’m not sure how much my perfectionism wants to accept that. It’s just so hard when you’ve been an ambitious person most of your life. I am trying to be kind to myself, I’ll give myself some big hugs.

Thank you, sending you a big hug back 🙂 xx

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