hoodwinked

[hoodwinked]

Hi WigglePurp
Welcome, you have made the first step and my heart goes out to you. Yes it is most definitely abuse. I am (detail removed by Moderator) out of my emotional abuse. Looking back I have been emotionally abused for many years, but they are so clever aren’t they, they make it that it is your fault. I couldn’t talk to my ex especially in the last 6 months before he left….he would just though the comment back at me….so if I asked “what do you want out of our marriage” he would angrily shout back “WHAT DO YOU WANT”.
The emotional abuse was really bad for 2 years and especially so for the last 6 months, I lost my sense of self, I felt as though he was rubbing me out slowly, I lost all rational sense and clarity of mind. For the first time ever I self harmed and didn’t want to live. It is like above trauma bonding, gas lighting, you do not recognise what is happening.
I gave him the ultimatum to choose his obsessive unhealthy abusive life style or me and the family and he chose his obsessive life style. That in itself I cannot describe what the last (detail removed by Moderator) have been like it is the most horrific experience.
It was this website and a support worker from Women’s aid that were my life saver, I read everything I could, and now recognise that my ex was/is a narcissistic personality. He still does not take any ownership, he has had nil care for me as a human being never mind a wife for (detail removed by Moderator) years.
Dare I say it the good news is I have better days now, I still can very easily go back to that dark lonely place especially at this time of year.
But we are worth so so much more than what these men offer us, they do not deserve our love or even sorrow. I felt sorry for my ex last week and feel he hoodwinked me again, he is so expert at it.
Take care of yourself and talk on here, it is your savoir, it builds our resilience and allows us very gently to move forward one step at a time. cyber hug coming your way 🙂 xx

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Thank you both…..I have tried no contact for a few weeks, then for one reason or another, mainly to do with our son I see him again…..was the birthday card a form of control because I hadn’t seen him for a few weeks?

Yes I do think you are right it may be trauma bonding and look forward to reading the article. I suppose I am having self-doubt, am I putting things on him that aren’t true? but then when I look at the evidence I no it is true…….had a really bad day!! I am more hurt because he has chose pornography and inappropriate contact with other women on the internet and skype…..this makes me feel as if I have no value at all for someone to do this, no respect for the hurt and pain caused. Last time we spoke he tried to say that this world is made up of many different personalities and that many women who purely love their husband’s accept them and love them even though they are cross dressers or declare they have a different sexual orientation……I know this and accept that there are, and accept people who may be different, but still cannot accept what he does and how it changes him as a person……whilst he is doing all the activities on the internet he wasn’t making a relationship with me……nothing was real!!!

Unfortunately I broke down today with my daughter, I try so hard not too when I am with her, but today is a bad day, I am not sure she understood…..the extent of my pain. Just thinking of him as well walking down the street holding another woman’s hand……I know I am not thinking rationally, I am not well at the moment and I think that is making it worse, as feel more vulnerable being on my own.

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Thank you lamfree…..I still can’t get it in my head that these people can cause so much hurt to any human being never mind someone they were supposed to love!!
I know I have to keep reminding myself of the hurt, so that I am not ‘hoodwinked’ again….he is so clever with words and putting on the ‘authentic’ person……but I have to keep saying ‘IT IS HIS ACTIONS’ what do they tell me? Unfortunately most people don’t know what his actions were, or look at me and say ‘I can’t believe that of …….”……so the added hurt is that people either disappear or don’t believe you. He knows that so gives him more power……..it is so hard for us women in this. I know one small step at a time in each moment. Thank you and hope you are doing the same too……xxxx

P.S. this site has been my savour in so many ways 🙂

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Well done and nice to hear……I hope at some point soon I get to where you are!!!

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Well done Serenity so good to hear where you are at the moment!! xxx

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Princess234 thank you for sharing and I can hear your strength and resilience now….this will help you if you go to court…..how can these men keep getting away with it and we still feel sorry for them!! but that’s the hook isn’t it, that’s the game that they play and because it has been for years, we fully believe it to be true!! The trauma bond is so strong isn’t it and I know that this will pull me back in to my ‘dreams’ of my married and family life, the dreams that happened and now my missed dreams…..a lot of years to just loose….I am sat here nearly in tears writing this, as I am thinking I still love him, but how can I when he has treated me the way he has…..so it is the love of the good time, the family times with the kids…….not the person he now is and probably always has been….I am now trying to take back some control, so the divorce and whilst it might seem a petty thing to do, I have sent a very simple text to the woman he has left me for to say thanks for all of her support for him……nothing can be misconstrued from this……but hopefully it has now given me closure…..as from today there will be no contact apart from signing papers on (removed by moderator) and I hope I can start to heal.
I hear from your comments Princess234 that this will take time and like you I am starting to make my house feminine and re-decorate. xx

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Thinking of you Princess234….not been on here for a few days, as lot happening
Your comment “He’s not doing that to me! But the pain I find can suddenly hit me like a massive wave. I’ve now learned to ride that wave but it it’s painful as you rightly say” is so true….just remembering those first weeks when he left stills makes me feel sick and cry, unless you have experienced it there is no way to explain it….I think I have had a light bulb moment today, I have found out further lies he has told, when I challenged him yesterday he said angrily ‘I don’t have to TELL you anything’….so have filled in divorce papers today, he is not doing it to me again, I know I may have some difficult days ahead, as when he finds out he probably will be more angry. But no more I am not being demeaned and ‘rubbed out’ no more.

I am not sure about the difference as to what the police define…..is there an answer on some legal pages? I hope you too can have some ‘peace’ and keep your resilience…..warmest Hoodwinked xx

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Hi welcome to the group, I hope you gain some feeling of strength from this group as I have over the last  (detail removed by moderator)months…..it isn’t an easy journey, but with support you can get through each day, remember you are worth more….warm hugs xxx

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Hi Princess234 welcome to the group…..I was in your same position about (detail removed by moderator) months ago and this group has been my life saver especially in the first few weeks……even if no one answers just writing it down and getting your feelings and thoughts out of your mind is really helpful….it also stops you from going back and realise what type of person you were with. I have better days, still in shock and can’t believe it, have moments of thinking I still love him, then remember how he has/is treating me……and we deserve more. If you read some of the comments there are some suggestions for reading either books or websites, again these were of great help to me, as I read, I was saying ‘that is my story, that is how my husband is’….no contact was/is the best advice, I feel better when I don’t have contact, although at the beginning the internal pain is horrendous……I cried everyday for the first weeks and have some bad days still, especially when I see him or hear him, it brings it all back and feels like being rejected again…..I felt so alone/still do, but telling your story helps, because everyone on here ‘knows’ some of what you are going through…..my heart goes out to you and sending big hugs xxx

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KIP they never see/accept their consequences for their actions do they!! I have a sense the words ’empathy and remorse’ isn’t in their language structure, so they wouldn’t understand what they meant…..they seem to be blind to any of their actions……he even manipulated how he came into the house, so he came into the house first and said can he have his dinner here and my son was behind him, so he knew that I wouldn’t say no when he was behind him, as I didn’t want to cause any distress to him……he will win I just know he will……particularly with the children……maybe not all of them, but he will win with some of them…..so you can never escape with no consequences….I am so at a loss today!!! xx

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Hi

I was Okay ish this week and he has just been to pick XXXX up, when he came back he came in the house and said “can I eat my dinner here and make a cup of tea, do you want one”……then he was telling me he has put in for a house in XXXXX where we had the caravan and everything is going to be lovely, he is enjoying his freedom, so I lost my control at this point and said had he ‘hoodwinked’ people up there to…….

That then started the manipulation and misconstruing what I said, he said he wasn’t going to listen to me saying things about him, and I tried to show him by an example that I can never condone his actions or behaviours to me, it would be like having a known sex offender sat and his victims saying “its Okay doing what you did” it could have been any example I used and he got up and said he wasn’t going to be compared to XXXXXXXXX……he even corrected me on his mothers age…….he wouldn’t listen to me, he twisted everything I said……. I hate what he does to me, he gets me so twisted up with his words, I doubt myself, I can’t stand it……I tried saying ‘do you know what it is like for me, my lived experience’ I said a few words then he butted in and said ‘it is the same for me’…..well actually it isn’t you can never have the same experience as someone else and he hasn’t been emotionally abused, it is me who has and I KNOW, it doesn’t matter how he manipulates what he says, I KNOW……

I have told him to take all his things out of the house next week……I could end up loosing XXXXXX too……as he see’s his dad being the reasonable one and me being the mess…..

I just can’t stand it. I was doing so well…….he hasn’t changed one bit……Mr reasonable who twists and twists until I doubt my own clarity of mind…..does he really expect to walk in here and both of us to sit down like old friends over a cup of tea, when he has destroyed my life? he said why don’t I ask him when I am struggling with something rather that go to someone else!!!!!! then he twisted a comment I made last week……I said “I could destroy his life if I wanted with the information I know about him, but I wouldn’t because of my own values and love for him”……so today he twisted it by saying “last week you said you would destroy my life how do you think I feel about that’……then I said yes but what was the last thing I said, that shows my love for you because I haven’t…….so I am sure he will only be telling people the first half and not the second…….I feel so so unsafe…….he makes me so so angry, then I shout or cry and that is what my son hears and he doesn’t here any of the manipulation from his dad….so sounds like I am the bad one……..

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Thank you for suggesting these resources HA…I have received today ‘Stop spinning start breathing – workbook’ so hoping this will support me…..had my counselling yesterday and there was a few light bulb moments….like you say an unequal relationship and I haven’t acknowledged this and how it has always been part of our marriage….my sister has been today and even more light bulb moments….it seems as though I have been totally blind to what the relationship has been like and how he is now…..to say he is now going to be a ‘golden dad’ there is no offers of support financially not even for the children…. I just wonder whether other women have felt as though they have been ‘blind’ to their partners actions and then it is like a bright light has been put on and you see what they are like with clarity?…although more aware it is still hard to not feel the longing and loss!! xx

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I am back from a lovely few days with my daughter and grandchildren. Whilst I had a good time it was also emotional as the place we went to I had been there with my husband a few years ago so brought back memories. So some tears also……he was with our son….I gave in again and text him, saying I was sad…whilst he sent me a text he didn’t mention anything about my being sad….I did some reading around what was happening for me and realise that I still have to develop my own boundaries even when we have separated, as if I show that I would possibly have him back, the message I am giving him is ‘You can still manipulate me and I am desperate’ so it gives him power back again……so far I haven’t replied to his last text….but only a few days.
One thing I am unsure on and some of you may be able to give me some advice on this…..his mother telephoned me again tonight unsure what is happening and concerned about me….I didn’t reveal anything to her, she suggested I telephone his sister, so I did…….I didn’t tell her exactly why he had left and said I would leave that up to his autonomy when he saw her, but did say that his actions had not been appropriate and he had hurt me greatly, I acknowledged that she was his sister and her alliance was to him, I was simply stating some of what had happened, that I still loved him and would work 100% at working on the marriage…..however, I feel totally guilty now, Am I setting myself up for a big fall? Should I not be telling anyone what the situation has been? Totally confused on this……how do I start to heal unless I am honest with what has happened, or have I got it wrong? should I keep it secret still? I am not wanting to castigate him, but am saying that his actions and behaviours have not been appropriate and they have hurt me deeply…….am worried now that I have done the wrong thing!!

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Thank you HA….I hear your wise words and understand that I am still in early days…..he says he acknowledges his flaws, he doesn’t get that that isn’t enough, its like me saying I acknowledge I am over weight and because of this unhealthy, but if I don’t do anything with that acknowledgement to get healthier, then it doesn’t do anything they are just empty words. He also said he didn’t say anything about me as he values me, again this isn’t how loving relationships work, we hear what other people say through open communication, then we can either measure and adapt what is said with our own values and thoughts and adapt our behaviour and actions, especially when we might be hurting someone else……if he doesn’t tell me how can I do this, or even apologise for things I may not be appropriate in. So again I feel empty words and not taking responsibility, a cop out. Going away for 3 days so hoping some joy in that xxxx

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No I don’t want all of that HA, that doesn’t show respect and value for the other and I hear you never got that either……I have just had an email back from him and I have made him sad again…….I can never go back to him I know that, but just so so hard!! xx

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I have totally failed, I contacted him on the phone tonight on the way back from work, a song a thought, then contact!!! initially I was just going to ask him if he could (detail removed by moderator)while he is down and I am away, then I got all emotional and started crying, I asked him if anything had changed and he said no, so I got angry and said I didn’t understand, he never explains anything to me, he only throws questions back at me, it just got more and more emotional on my part, no emotion on his part (no surprises there then). He then tried to convince me that it was my thinking that was skewed regarding his porn and other women on the internet and said there was plenty of women who thought this was all Okay, but (detail removed by moderator) I wouldn’t accept it. In the end I put the phone down on him.
It didn’t get better when I got home, I sent him a long email, (detail removed by moderator) I have played right into his hands haven’t I? given him more fuel for him to use and say what a mad woman I am……I have gone right back to where I was, what an idiot, it is because he is coming down again, even though I am not here, I know he is at the house and with our son and I am now scared that he will now use this new fuel to tell both of our sons!!

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Hi HA yes of course you offer me some very apt advice and experience that you have gone through…….it is yours and some others comments that have kept me going over the last two months…..and yes I have to keep reminding myself of how he actually treated me and not the romanised view….
On the positives, I met another group of ladies last night for a meal and we seemed to get on really well, all were married but on their second, so had a sense of what I was going through, although I have to say we didn’t talk about this much thankfully, there was still that pull when I said ‘we’…..I have finished decorating my living room and moved some furniture round, I have also put fairy lights rounds the fireplace, he would hate that as he didn’t like trinkets or anything nice really……so that feels very good…..
So at work today and going away with my daughter and kids will be just what I need, I am not saying I wont be thinking of him as he will be with my son, so a bit nervous of wht he might say to him.

Have a good day HA and thakyou again for my reminders and advice xxxx

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Hi HA…..yes I have managed no contact…..but feeling is intense today…..I hate this feeling…..I just want to phone him up and him say I realise what I have done, can I come home? I know that isn’t going to happen and if I did phone him my sense would be that he would still manipulate me and put me down…….so fighting these feelings at the moment…..
I will have a look at these books HA they may help…..I am at work tomorrow so that should take care of that, then when he is coming down at the weekend I am going away so wont see him, although that in its self will be painful too xxx

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Hi HA……had a good day today, been in at work and went out for a meal with colleagues after, so my mind has been taken off things which is a good thing…..only time I thought about it all was in conversation and found myself saying ‘we went….’ ‘we liked it at…..’ ‘our son……’ which brought back that ooooo feeling, trying to block it from my mind which not sure whether that is a good thing…….so no tears today.
How are you HA? hope your sadness is clearing a bit today…..warmest xxx

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Hope yesterday was a better day for you HA xx

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Dear Healthyarchive……I am sending you a huge cyber hug…..to wrap you up in warm compassion…..until you are in a good enough place again to do it for yourself 🙂
I have seen you have so much strength and support for me and others on these blogs, and I sincerely thank you for that and you are human too, like the above advert for me, there will also be triggers for you, that brings back memories and yearnings!! Be gentle on yourself and yes tomorrow is a new day for us both and maybe just maybe we may not even think of them or if we do we can just acknowledge the thought, let it go and then get on with OUR day :)xxxxx

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Thank you Serenity and KIP I will look more into it…….I feel quite proud of myself, I have been out with my daughter and children, I was so desperate to text him and say ‘it could have been so good’…..its like a drug isn’t it, that intense internal pain, you can’t explain the intensity of it unless you have experienced it and I am sure women reading this will ‘know’….I am getting how this fits with trauma bonding and where I am in the process……I am beating myself up a bit, for not sticking to my own boundaries over the years and being such an idiot, I think I will look at doing some assertiveness training as well. I suppose I have got there because I have never liked hurting people, but now I realise in this I have hurt ME or allowed narcissists to manipulate me….I have just watched the advert for Alzheimer’s on TV and it pulls at my heart every-time I see it..’for the man to keep his promise and love me to the end’….is there any men out there that still do this? xx

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I hear what you are saying and fits with me too…..I have just been reading about trauma bonding and I am understanding it more, although it is hard to acknowledge, when I look back the trauma bonding started before we got married, he did something then that was inappropriate and I forgave him then and got married, I should have kept to my boundaries then and ended it. So for him that set the scene, it gave him the power from the start, what a bloody idiot I have been, to then go through all of these years!!!!
I have also been looking into EMDR, has anyone had this or heard how successful it is for trauma bonding.xx

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Sorry missed the ‘A’ out of your name 🙂 xxx

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Thankyou as always Helthyarchive…..I already have a sense of all the different emotions I am going to have…I have been reading a bit more and I actually feel sorry for him…..and I know this could hook me back in again, but I am aware of it…..
What seems funny to me, I have been going through this for years and never even heard of Women’s Aid, or a narcissist or not much about emotional abuse and yet I was experiencing all three of them and there is loads of information on the net…..
I have decided to do a picture and words about how I feel and will take it to my next therapy session…this may help me in ‘letting go’, a journal will be good to keep, I have kept one of my experiences over the last few months in-case I needed evidence, as you forget, it is also good to read when I feel like contacting him, because it is the reality, not my ‘dream’ of having a ‘soul mate’ who was warm and empathic and valued what I had to say, that was just a dream….
I am glad to hear that things have got better for you and your replies and attachments to read are very valuable to me, so thank you….I wish Women’s Aid did actual support groups as it would be beneficial to see each other in person too….although there is so many different forms of abuse….xxxx

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I have just read the links you have all given me……I feel sick, how could I have lived this life for so so long, I have denied my gut feeling, but he made me believe that I was wrong, it was me….. part of the article said
The narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb
I used to say this, how come you sabotage things when we are good? such as birthdays, Christmas, holidays, valentines day etc etc……always always spoilt, this got worse in the later years…..something else I could identify with was….’you are messing with my head’ he used to mix me up with words so much that I didn’t know what reality was…..I should have known, he has f…ing hoodwinked me all my life….why have I not done anything……by gut instinct was telling me and I ignored it?????
He has just used me as a cover, so he could hide the real him and his sordid little life, I have ordered the workbook, I don’t want to waste any more of my life…..I haven’t got that much left to waste……but at the moment I don’t know quite how you recover from a covert narcissistic manipulator…..

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Serenity…..I am still in disbelief, the more I read the more I see it is/was my life and it describes my husband/ex perfectly….like you say they don’t think of anyone but themselves…..before he left I said what my boundary was about no emotional/sexual contact with other women, so he went away in the huff, thought about how he could get round it and said ‘I will endeavour not to have any contact with any UNKNOWN women’…….how on earth did he think he could get round this, did he think I was stupid? so what about the known women???? I feel so angry just remembering it…..
I am finding it all so surreal, whilst I have kept busy today decorating, all I have thought about is him, been tempted to contact him but haven’t, just disbelief he has done so much on the house and garden, I still don’t get it…….even though I do with reading all the information……my head is so mixed…..I am just so sad and lonely and I know I have to go through all of these emotions…..
I hear what you are saying KIP about closure…..I am still struggling to see how to move forward without it, if he had died there would have been a funeral and although I would still have to go through the grieving process, I would have had closure…..I think seeing him yesterday has made it worse for me, I keep saying in my head I love him……but how can I when he has hurt me so much……if only we had foresight, I think if I knew I would end up with a lovely man who treated me properly that would make it all easier, but unfortunately we don’t….I also know that I have to get Okay with ME first….
I will keep reading and thank you HealthyArchive for all the links you have sent,I am going to look at them now xx

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Oh my goodness how I needed to read all of your posts today, I know I have to do all of the above, I have joined one group and going out for dinner with them next week….I went to the hairdressers but its not much different so going to go somewhere else before I go back to work in (month removed by moderator)…..the holiday options sound good and I will look into them……I was thinking of not being here next weekend then I had this ‘oooo moment’ that said no I have to be here……so I am going to go against by heart and go with my gut and go away…..I know I have to get tough and I am going to read the articles tonight and educate myself a bit more….he is treating me like trash, he doesn’t care a toss…..I even mentioned how this was a pattern, 3 times now he has done the same with work, just thrown them away and he went into this long diatribe that it was all this other person’s fault……I even said to him that I could absolutely ruin his life with the information I know about, but I wouldn’t do that because I have values, values for myself and not vindictive…..of course he took it the wrong way and used it against me……not doubt he will be telling people now that I am going to ruin his life…..I think some of you have said that we keep giving then fuel to use……which I have just done…..he will use it and I feel with our eldest son as he is staying with him when he is working away……so I think I am getting that is why it is important so to have no contact so we don’t give them any fuel to beat us with!!!
Again he told me off for putting things on social media, again I haven’t put anything against him, just quotes, yet he can say and do what he wants, I found a website he had been on (detail removed by moderator)
I am going to get on with decorating my living room today, thankfully I bought all the paint before he left so I don’t have to find the money…..then tonight read the articles and look for some more work and look at the holidays…….I am sending a huge cyber hug to all three of you, as although we haven’t met I feel very close to you, thank you, I hope you have a good day and that we can all have NO CONTACT!! xxx

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Thank you Serenty and KIP I honestly don’t know what I would have done without this blog and your warm support and understanding……today has been like the first day he left, the difference being I was at work the first time so had to get myself together, today I have been on my own and it is that gut retching feeling, I am sure you will know what that feels like, you can’t eat……he came in the house when he arrived and gave me a kiss……..how can these men see what they are doing or do they? my head is so skewed I think I am still in shock as Serenity has said to actually believe I am in this position….I said I loved him and can you believe he said ‘obviously not enough otherwise you would have let me contact other women’……they take your heart out and twist it up……I honestly wish I could hate him and it would be so much easier……I think you are right Serenity about being traumatically bonded to him, I do feel as though I have PTSD, I have had to take double propranalol for anxiety today……and still on sleeping tablets.
Yes I have seen a solicitor KIP and thankfully we have separate bank accounts and debts are in his name. When does the disbelief get easier, I feel I am living a nightmare at the moment and I know everyone on here is probably feeling the same so my heart goes out to everyone…..THANK YOU…..xxx

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Hi Itshisproblem I can relate so much to your comments, I could have written them and I have said that so much on here…..this blog has been my life saver, educating myself to these manipulators…
I too am a professional woman, yet this man was able to get into my mind and mix it up so much that I could not think….I too had some really bad days that I didn’t want to exist any-more and just wanted it to stop and still have some days like that…….today I feel I have eventually started to let him go, I have completed my forms for divorce so taking back some of my respect and autonomy…..I know I may be facing some more bad days when he finds out…..
I had my counselling yesterday and he said what is the quickest way from A to B? I thought for a while and couldn’t answer, the reason being I always go round in circles trying to make excuses for him…..well no more he isn’t worth it……my attachment is, the lost dreams and being on my own I think rather than my lost love for him, I remember the man I married not the man I see before me now…..he deserves everything that he gets, although I have a sense he will always come up smelling of roses!! xx

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