hoodwinked

[hoodwinked]

Hi WigglePurp
Welcome, you have made the first step and my heart goes out to you. Yes it is most definitely abuse. I am (detail removed by Moderator) out of my emotional abuse. Looking back I have been emotionally abused for many years, but they are so clever aren’t they, they make it that it is your fault. I couldn’t talk to my ex especially in the last 6 months before he left….he would just though the comment back at me….so if I asked “what do you want out of our marriage” he would angrily shout back “WHAT DO YOU WANT”.
The emotional abuse was really bad for 2 years and especially so for the last 6 months, I lost my sense of self, I felt as though he was rubbing me out slowly, I lost all rational sense and clarity of mind. For the first time ever I self harmed and didn’t want to live. It is like above trauma bonding, gas lighting, you do not recognise what is happening.
I gave him the ultimatum to choose his obsessive unhealthy abusive life style or me and the family and he chose his obsessive life style. That in itself I cannot describe what the last (detail removed by Moderator) have been like it is the most horrific experience.
It was this website and a support worker from Women’s aid that were my life saver, I read everything I could, and now recognise that my ex was/is a narcissistic personality. He still does not take any ownership, he has had nil care for me as a human being never mind a wife for (detail removed by Moderator) years.
Dare I say it the good news is I have better days now, I still can very easily go back to that dark lonely place especially at this time of year.
But we are worth so so much more than what these men offer us, they do not deserve our love or even sorrow. I felt sorry for my ex last week and feel he hoodwinked me again, he is so expert at it.
Take care of yourself and talk on here, it is your savoir, it builds our resilience and allows us very gently to move forward one step at a time. cyber hug coming your way 🙂 xx

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Thank you both…..I have tried no contact for a few weeks, then for one reason or another, mainly to do with our son I see him again…..was the birthday card a form of control because I hadn’t seen him for a few weeks?

Yes I do think you are right it may be trauma bonding and look forward to reading the article. I suppose I am having self-doubt, am I putting things on him that aren’t true? but then when I look at the evidence I no it is true…….had a really bad day!! I am more hurt because he has chose pornography and inappropriate contact with other women on the internet and skype…..this makes me feel as if I have no value at all for someone to do this, no respect for the hurt and pain caused. Last time we spoke he tried to say that this world is made up of many different personalities and that many women who purely love their husband’s accept them and love them even though they are cross dressers or declare they have a different sexual orientation……I know this and accept that there are, and accept people who may be different, but still cannot accept what he does and how it changes him as a person……whilst he is doing all the activities on the internet he wasn’t making a relationship with me……nothing was real!!!

Unfortunately I broke down today with my daughter, I try so hard not too when I am with her, but today is a bad day, I am not sure she understood…..the extent of my pain. Just thinking of him as well walking down the street holding another woman’s hand……I know I am not thinking rationally, I am not well at the moment and I think that is making it worse, as feel more vulnerable being on my own.

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Thank you lamfree…..I still can’t get it in my head that these people can cause so much hurt to any human being never mind someone they were supposed to love!!
I know I have to keep reminding myself of the hurt, so that I am not ‘hoodwinked’ again….he is so clever with words and putting on the ‘authentic’ person……but I have to keep saying ‘IT IS HIS ACTIONS’ what do they tell me? Unfortunately most people don’t know what his actions were, or look at me and say ‘I can’t believe that of …….”……so the added hurt is that people either disappear or don’t believe you. He knows that so gives him more power……..it is so hard for us women in this. I know one small step at a time in each moment. Thank you and hope you are doing the same too……xxxx

P.S. this site has been my savour in so many ways 🙂

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Well done and nice to hear……I hope at some point soon I get to where you are!!!

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Well done Serenity so good to hear where you are at the moment!! xxx

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Princess234 thank you for sharing and I can hear your strength and resilience now….this will help you if you go to court…..how can these men keep getting away with it and we still feel sorry for them!! but that’s the hook isn’t it, that’s the game that they play and because it has been for years, we fully believe it to be true!! The trauma bond is so strong isn’t it and I know that this will pull me back in to my ‘dreams’ of my married and family life, the dreams that happened and now my missed dreams…..a lot of years to just loose….I am sat here nearly in tears writing this, as I am thinking I still love him, but how can I when he has treated me the way he has…..so it is the love of the good time, the family times with the kids…….not the person he now is and probably always has been….I am now trying to take back some control, so the divorce and whilst it might seem a petty thing to do, I have sent a very simple text to the woman he has left me for to say thanks for all of her support for him……nothing can be misconstrued from this……but hopefully it has now given me closure…..as from today there will be no contact apart from signing papers on (removed by moderator) and I hope I can start to heal.
I hear from your comments Princess234 that this will take time and like you I am starting to make my house feminine and re-decorate. xx

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Thinking of you Princess234….not been on here for a few days, as lot happening
Your comment “He’s not doing that to me! But the pain I find can suddenly hit me like a massive wave. I’ve now learned to ride that wave but it it’s painful as you rightly say” is so true….just remembering those first weeks when he left stills makes me feel sick and cry, unless you have experienced it there is no way to explain it….I think I have had a light bulb moment today, I have found out further lies he has told, when I challenged him yesterday he said angrily ‘I don’t have to TELL you anything’….so have filled in divorce papers today, he is not doing it to me again, I know I may have some difficult days ahead, as when he finds out he probably will be more angry. But no more I am not being demeaned and ‘rubbed out’ no more.

I am not sure about the difference as to what the police define…..is there an answer on some legal pages? I hope you too can have some ‘peace’ and keep your resilience…..warmest Hoodwinked xx

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Hi welcome to the group, I hope you gain some feeling of strength from this group as I have over the last  (detail removed by moderator)months…..it isn’t an easy journey, but with support you can get through each day, remember you are worth more….warm hugs xxx

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Hi Princess234 welcome to the group…..I was in your same position about (detail removed by moderator) months ago and this group has been my life saver especially in the first few weeks……even if no one answers just writing it down and getting your feelings and thoughts out of your mind is really helpful….it also stops you from going back and realise what type of person you were with. I have better days, still in shock and can’t believe it, have moments of thinking I still love him, then remember how he has/is treating me……and we deserve more. If you read some of the comments there are some suggestions for reading either books or websites, again these were of great help to me, as I read, I was saying ‘that is my story, that is how my husband is’….no contact was/is the best advice, I feel better when I don’t have contact, although at the beginning the internal pain is horrendous……I cried everyday for the first weeks and have some bad days still, especially when I see him or hear him, it brings it all back and feels like being rejected again…..I felt so alone/still do, but telling your story helps, because everyone on here ‘knows’ some of what you are going through…..my heart goes out to you and sending big hugs xxx

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KIP they never see/accept their consequences for their actions do they!! I have a sense the words ’empathy and remorse’ isn’t in their language structure, so they wouldn’t understand what they meant…..they seem to be blind to any of their actions……he even manipulated how he came into the house, so he came into the house first and said can he have his dinner here and my son was behind him, so he knew that I wouldn’t say no when he was behind him, as I didn’t want to cause any distress to him……he will win I just know he will……particularly with the children……maybe not all of them, but he will win with some of them…..so you can never escape with no consequences….I am so at a loss today!!! xx

[hoodwinked]

Hi

I was Okay ish this week and he has just been to pick XXXX up, when he came back he came in the house and said “can I eat my dinner here and make a cup of tea, do you want one”……then he was telling me he has put in for a house in XXXXX where we had the caravan and everything is going to be lovely, he is enjoying his freedom, so I lost my control at this point and said had he ‘hoodwinked’ people up there to…….

That then started the manipulation and misconstruing what I said, he said he wasn’t going to listen to me saying things about him, and I tried to show him by an example that I can never condone his actions or behaviours to me, it would be like having a known sex offender sat and his victims saying “its Okay doing what you did” it could have been any example I used and he got up and said he wasn’t going to be compared to XXXXXXXXX……he even corrected me on his mothers age…….he wouldn’t listen to me, he twisted everything I said……. I hate what he does to me, he gets me so twisted up with his words, I doubt myself, I can’t stand it……I tried saying ‘do you know what it is like for me, my lived experience’ I said a few words then he butted in and said ‘it is the same for me’…..well actually it isn’t you can never have the same experience as someone else and he hasn’t been emotionally abused, it is me who has and I KNOW, it doesn’t matter how he manipulates what he says, I KNOW……

I have told him to take all his things out of the house next week……I could end up loosing XXXXXX too……as he see’s his dad being the reasonable one and me being the mess…..

I just can’t stand it. I was doing so well…….he hasn’t changed one bit……Mr reasonable who twists and twists until I doubt my own clarity of mind…..does he really expect to walk in here and both of us to sit down like old friends over a cup of tea, when he has destroyed my life? he said why don’t I ask him when I am struggling with something rather that go to someone else!!!!!! then he twisted a comment I made last week……I said “I could destroy his life if I wanted with the information I know about him, but I wouldn’t because of my own values and love for him”……so today he twisted it by saying “last week you said you would destroy my life how do you think I feel about that’……then I said yes but what was the last thing I said, that shows my love for you because I haven’t…….so I am sure he will only be telling people the first half and not the second…….I feel so so unsafe…….he makes me so so angry, then I shout or cry and that is what my son hears and he doesn’t here any of the manipulation from his dad….so sounds like I am the bad one……..

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Thank you for suggesting these resources HA…I have received today ‘Stop spinning start breathing – workbook’ so hoping this will support me…..had my counselling yesterday and there was a few light bulb moments….like you say an unequal relationship and I haven’t acknowledged this and how it has always been part of our marriage….my sister has been today and even more light bulb moments….it seems as though I have been totally blind to what the relationship has been like and how he is now…..to say he is now going to be a ‘golden dad’ there is no offers of support financially not even for the children…. I just wonder whether other women have felt as though they have been ‘blind’ to their partners actions and then it is like a bright light has been put on and you see what they are like with clarity?…although more aware it is still hard to not feel the longing and loss!! xx

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I am back from a lovely few days with my daughter and grandchildren. Whilst I had a good time it was also emotional as the place we went to I had been there with my husband a few years ago so brought back memories. So some tears also……he was with our son….I gave in again and text him, saying I was sad…whilst he sent me a text he didn’t mention anything about my being sad….I did some reading around what was happening for me and realise that I still have to develop my own boundaries even when we have separated, as if I show that I would possibly have him back, the message I am giving him is ‘You can still manipulate me and I am desperate’ so it gives him power back again……so far I haven’t replied to his last text….but only a few days.
One thing I am unsure on and some of you may be able to give me some advice on this…..his mother telephoned me again tonight unsure what is happening and concerned about me….I didn’t reveal anything to her, she suggested I telephone his sister, so I did…….I didn’t tell her exactly why he had left and said I would leave that up to his autonomy when he saw her, but did say that his actions had not been appropriate and he had hurt me greatly, I acknowledged that she was his sister and her alliance was to him, I was simply stating some of what had happened, that I still loved him and would work 100% at working on the marriage…..however, I feel totally guilty now, Am I setting myself up for a big fall? Should I not be telling anyone what the situation has been? Totally confused on this……how do I start to heal unless I am honest with what has happened, or have I got it wrong? should I keep it secret still? I am not wanting to castigate him, but am saying that his actions and behaviours have not been appropriate and they have hurt me deeply…….am worried now that I have done the wrong thing!!

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Thank you HA….I hear your wise words and understand that I am still in early days…..he says he acknowledges his flaws, he doesn’t get that that isn’t enough, its like me saying I acknowledge I am over weight and because of this unhealthy, but if I don’t do anything with that acknowledgement to get healthier, then it doesn’t do anything they are just empty words. He also said he didn’t say anything about me as he values me, again this isn’t how loving relationships work, we hear what other people say through open communication, then we can either measure and adapt what is said with our own values and thoughts and adapt our behaviour and actions, especially when we might be hurting someone else……if he doesn’t tell me how can I do this, or even apologise for things I may not be appropriate in. So again I feel empty words and not taking responsibility, a cop out. Going away for 3 days so hoping some joy in that xxxx

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Hi Itshisproblem I can relate so much to your comments, I could have written them and I have said that so much on here…..this blog has been my life saver, educating myself to these manipulators…
I too am a professional woman, yet this man was able to get into my mind and mix it up so much that I could not think….I too had some really bad days that I didn’t want to exist any-more and just wanted it to stop and still have some days like that…….today I feel I have eventually started to let him go, I have completed my forms for divorce so taking back some of my respect and autonomy…..I know I may be facing some more bad days when he finds out…..
I had my counselling yesterday and he said what is the quickest way from A to B? I thought for a while and couldn’t answer, the reason being I always go round in circles trying to make excuses for him…..well no more he isn’t worth it……my attachment is, the lost dreams and being on my own I think rather than my lost love for him, I remember the man I married not the man I see before me now…..he deserves everything that he gets, although I have a sense he will always come up smelling of roses!! xx

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