ILoveCats

[ILoveCats]

So happy for you, please enjoy your new life! Keep us updated 😊

[ILoveCats]

Thanks for replying. I know he isn’t I just can’t help feeling like he won’t cope without me because of his anxiety and physical problems it causes, his family is messed up and he isn’t really close to any of them anymore, he barely has any friends and never sees them. Essentially he relies on me for socialising and regulating, I can’t not help people so he obviously took full advantage of that early on.

It feels like he’ll either do something awful to himself (he’s never attempted, just said it a lot) or will completely turn on me for “abandoning him” and “taking his child away,’ I know how two faced he is and always trying to get me to agree with his opinions about other people so I can only guess what he would say about me (or maybe already has for all I know).

In the past when we’ve got into bad arguments and I’ve threatened to leave he will immediately be sorry and sad and will cry. The pressure would be immense.

[ILoveCats]

That’s so awful, I hope you’re ok, please seek medical treatment if you need it. Also this is definitely physical abuse, you don’t need to be beaten regularly, even poking or pushing is considered assault.
You say no one will believe you but you mention your work friends, your teenage child and even another passenger on a plane have showed concern for you, I think more people would believe you than you realise, it’s probably because you’re self esteem has been crushed that you feel that way.
You are not pathetic, you are the victim of a nasty abusive person who is the only one to blame for his behaviour.
If you look at the topic for life after abuse then it might help you feel more hopeful.
Xx

[ILoveCats]

I understand, I am also effectively a carer to my abuser, it really makes it more complicated. I feel guilty thinking of leaving him to fend for himself, and sometimes I wonder if what he’s doing is really because of mental health problems or just a good excuse to get his way. I find myself exhausted trying to analyse and separate everything each day and it makes me angry and resentful.
He doesn’t work so we’re together all the time, it’s been suggested to me by a women’s aid worker (via email) to arrange a private GP appointment to speak face to face, is that something you could do? They have a surprisingly long list of ways to help.
Hugs to you.

[ILoveCats]

I have a toddler not yet (detail removed by Moderator), I am still with my husband and I am worried about the impact our relationship may have already had on her. He is really lovely with her at times though and you can see she adores him, it makes me feel sad to think of separating her from him even though I know he’ll probably get worse as she gets older and more independent.
Remembering my childhood and the fear I had of my Dad reminds me why I want to leave but I’m so scared that I’ll just cause her more stress as she’s already been through multiple moves.
I am trying to organise my first meeting with an advisor in my area so I’m sure they will help reassure me about this but while I’m waiting it feels horrible.

[ILoveCats]

Awww that’s so wholesome, this sounds really nice and the simple things are the best. I get fed up of planning meals and buying food for half of it to be wasted for one reason or another, to ask what the other person wants and get, “I don’t mind/care” or a bunch of unhealthy expensive crap when I’m trying to budget or be healthy.

Please keep enjoying this!

[ILoveCats]

He’s been relentlessly talking about another child for the last few days…I’m losing the will to argue

[ILoveCats]

I feel like a hypocrite as I haven’t escaped yet and still go back and forth in my head, but from an outside perspective it seems that your abuser targeted your weakness and used that to control you. They find people who are vulnerable and pretend they care about them, make themselves out to be the knight in shining armour, they play the long game to have a person they can dominate. It doesn’t work to be horrible all the time or to go to the extreme, they use the Jekyll and Hyde method to maximise the effect, it’s so sly.

It’s not your fault to feel that way though, it’s part of the grieving process, it’s so hard to believe that another human being would intentionally be cruel and pretend to be nice, that they would put so much thought and energy into playing this sick game just for kicks rather than be a genuine person. I keep doubting myself but I know that’s the way he wants it, I have seen under the mask so many times but I need to remind myself often.

I hope you and your children are safe and well, you have done yourself and them a massive service by getting out, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now xx

[ILoveCats]

Reading this makes me want to cry happy tears, so pleased for you. It really does help to know people make it out and are happy. It’s ok even if you’re not happy all the time but please savour every free and joyful moment when you feel it x

[ILoveCats]

So confused and frustrated, now I keep wondering if anything he says or does is genuine, it’s scary to consider that perhaps everything he does is manipulation, even the seemingly good parts of his personality. I have always convinced myself that he is a nice person deep down but has a lot of trauma and baggage from childhood, so I forgive him a lot.

Recently I have tried to stop myself getting wound up by him so whenever he does something that normally I would get really distressed about I have remained calm and matter of fact. So I haven’t said anything about leaving him or hating him or reminding him about his behaviour and he has seemed upset, it really threw me and I was wondering if he’s changing tactics because the usual isn’t working, it’s hard because I feel like if I don’t comfort him I will look like I don’t care and make him suspicious like he’s testing me, then again I also feel bad for not trying to soothe him. What is this madness.

It feels hard to explain especially without giving too much information. I’m stuck between trying not to react and protect my mental health but also making him wary by behaving differently.

[ILoveCats]

Will record things as I think of them or am able to here occasionally.

Claims to love animals as much as me, became vegan after I did even though I didn’t pressure him at all. Makes comments about animals that I wouldn’t because I understand their nature, how can you be so nasty about animals when you love them?

Doesn’t believe his own relative about (detail removed by Moderator) at the time because they made things up all the time at that age, yet still claims he hates men and is a woman supporter.

Criticises and insults all my family members to me behind their backs, actually just about anyone I talk to really. They could be the nicest, sweetest person and he will still find a way to say something horrible.

[ILoveCats]

I hope your medication is taking the edge off, my antidepressants helped with my anxiety and depression enough to help me carry on functioning but I was exhausted the first couple weeks while it kicked in, I got a dosage increase recently when going through a rough patch.
Please don’t say such awful things about yourself, I know it’s the abuse that makes you feel that way, I don’t know you in person but I do know that nothing bad you’ve said about yourself is true, I read from your posts that you are a wonderful and caring person. I’m sure all of us are but we are made to feel like we’re terrible or to blame, and yet despite our suffering all we want is to try and help other people so they don’t have to feel that crushing despair too.
I hope you will find a way through these dark times to the other side, stay strong
Xx

[ILoveCats]

The nice phases are so hard, I hate him so much when he’s being nasty but when he starts being nice and reasonable the hope and desire for a nice idyllic life together creeps in. Also makes me feel like I’m overreacting and wondering if I should keep trying to leave, it’s exhausting isn’t it?
I hope you’re doing well
X

[ILoveCats]

This makes me so sad for you, I understand the pressure to have sex as well, I managed to put a lot of boundaries in place over the years but he still tests them occasionally or just completely ignores them. It’s usually annoyance of having to wait that gets to him the most, wants it more frequently than I do (which is never because he’s such a man child) but he hasn’t struck me in retaliation, I don’t know what it would take for him to go that far, he likes pressure and sulking tactics.

(detail removed by Moderator) call the police without telling him if he hits you, I know that’s much easier said than done but that’s the only way I think you will get him away from you. He will never see what he’s doing as wrong, just threatening to call the police will likely result in him trying to make you feel like they won’t believe you or make him very angry.

[ILoveCats]

I’m sorry you didn’t get the help and support you needed from your friend 😢 that’s one of my worries that I’ll get the “why don’t you just leave” line, but also that they might make it obvious they know and then he’ll get suspicious.
Problem with talking to local woman’s aid is that there’s almost no way I could contact them by phone or in person as he is with me all the time. I suppose I should email again mentioning this.

[ILoveCats]

Thanks I bought, download and read the whole book last night instead of catching up on sleep 🙈.
I looked up mirroring and now I’m thinking he’s a complete narcissist and wondering how deep it all goes 😩.
Still find myself going, “oh but he doesn’t do those things mentioned in the book, so maybe I’m over reacting?” 😒

[ILoveCats]

Yes thanks for your reply, sorry we share the same burden but glad to feel connected.
I keep wanting to let other people know about it like friends and colleagues since I accepted the DA was real, not in great detail, but then I get so anxious and bottle it. It feels so risky and embarrassing to admit, it’s a relief to be able to discuss it here. I’m sure I visited this site a few times over the years but now I’ve finally got an account!
Let’s all keep fighting and surviving together, in hopes of a better future, always reminding myself it’s never too late. My dream is to move into a home with my daughter and my mother and our cat and live their peacefully together. xxx

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