Imogen

[Imogen]

Thanks you Confused123 xx

It is a safe place here which helps a bundle.

[Imogen]

Thank you for sharing that LoverOfNoContact. Those are things I am trying to do. I get so far then wonder what I am doing it for.

He is posting blog entries publicising my leaving him, ostracising me. Casting me out. Maybe he is using his void to get back at me, to carry on the manipulation and bullying.

I like your “progress not perfection”, that speaks volumes, thank you.

I just want it to stop. I’m tired, exhausted with the nothingness and crying. Not for him but because I feel so alone and lost. So very tired.

[Imogen]

This is such strong and sound advice. I left very recently, which my other post explains.

I had gone for the minimal and factual approach. He sent messages, loaded with guilt and emotion, how he was surprised my “depression had manifested in a way that it would reject him.”

He knows it’s a separation and now I just need to know what to do next. I am writing the outline of what is happening but should I do this through a solicitor? I don’t have enough evidence for divorce, emotional manipulation has been hard to prove.

Any advice is greatly welcome, and thankyou so much for your love and support 🙂

[Imogen]

Wow! Thank you ladies!

I have spent the time since then I’m my new location. I am so happy. Yes I have cried and I feel very messed up, but I’ve slept. Oh how I have slept!! I love the silence, I feel alive. I actually FEEL!

There have been some choice messages and guilt loaded ones from him but contact has been minimal. I have stated this is a separation, I do not have enough for divorce evidence-wise, but the important bit is I feel so FREE! I can’t articulate this feeling.

I am now concerned that I have done the wrong thing in terms of admin and paperwork but I am not connected to the house he owns. There was never even a rent agreement.

I’m set to write a letter to him outlining the plan for this time which will be heavy going. I’m nervous about the legalities of all of this. I’ve moved into rented accommodation, am I allowed to do that?! I’m sure I can.

Either way, this has been the heaviest time and yet I feel light, human, able, stronger, present and happier.

Thank you all xxxx

[Imogen]

Thank you, I feel all the more stronger with you by my side Citrine xx

I didn’t want it to go like this, but the situation presented itself so I had to take it. I’ve just got to keep going. In all honesty, the want to stay is so big, but I won’t. I will not stay for this. For this to only happen again and again.

I’m staying strong for me, for you, for all of you xxxx

[Imogen]

Thank you KIP. The house is sitelnt but my head is set to 11! I’m trying to breathe.

I’ve got my friend’s place to stay then my flat is mine in a matter of days.

I fear it speaks volumes that he has been able to still go out and (removed by moderator) today. He loves the controlling, the being in charge, the idea of having a wife.

Thank you so much for this boost KIP, it’s really needed just now.

[Imogen]

Ah sweetheart that is so kind of you to say. We are all here for each other to get each other into happier safer places.

I just posted about the “how to tell him process” which I’m hoping to speak to WA to get clearer advice. I feel the euphoric highs of strength and the massive lows of weakness but it’s this forum that keeps me going, and phenomenal women like you.

I’m with you, and we are doing this at very similar times, so I’m holding your hand step by step 🙂

[Imogen]

Oh Ariel I am so sorryand I desperately hope you are ok. I am happy you are still going ahead though. You are strong and inspiring x

We had a discussion a few months back where I told him I was unhappy where we lived, being with him and he just went quiet. He soon forgot about that conversation and went back to being a bully and insulting and patronising.

[Imogen]

Thanks both.

I tried to call the help line today but kept missing each other. I feel like I should tell him face to face. He is not physically abusive, but I know the statistics may say otherwise. I don’t know. I feel I want to be clear and open. Like I want to do this right and not be like him.

I want to feel I have taken all the right steps and not regret anything. It’s just so hard. I feel going without saying anything feels wrong for me. Does that make sense?

He will not know my new address. Definitely not.

I will try the helpline again tomorrow when I am alone.

[Imogen]

Hey, you are doing great. This was me only weeks ago.

I went flat hunting, viewed some and got one. I have a move in date very soon and ready to go.

I completely know what you are feeling right now. I feel sick to the belly, have been sick with fear of telling him I’m off. He is going the “over the top” love and care because I think he has an inkling something is going on. I feel high as a kite that I am going, the so crushingly low about it. I now have a counsellor at Relate and a solicitor, thanks to the support and advice from WA.

Call WA and talk through it. Honestly, I am awful at talking about things but the voice on the other end of the line offers support, care, ideas, tips and great comfort.

You got this. I don’t know you, but I knew this was me not that long ago X

[Imogen]

Right, I have a move in date.

I have no idea what I am doing now! The only joint thing is that we are married.

Am I right that I can just turn to him and say I am leaving/I want a separation to just get the hell out and then sort legalities after?

I am so scared but so excited and focussed and happy about this move. I have the VERY close friends who are supporting me and are truly happy I have found strengthto do this. My freedom is within my grasp.

Is there anything I need to think of?

[Imogen]

He is being painfully nice, yet still, I know the cycle will come back round. I know that every month, week, I will feel desperate to escape, desperate to be cared for, stronger, wanted, loved and independent. I know I’ll be crying into my pillow every night, wishing I could just end it all now, wishing I was dead.

That can’t be me anymore. The mood swings are swaying massively for me at the moment. I am edging further away from thinking about how HE will feel and how upset HE will be. I have been afraid and upset for years.

I just off to see the flats now. Step one in getting out is in action.

XXX

[Imogen]

So today has been productive. I’ve got 2 viewings for (removed by moderator)  with availability for both in a fortnight. I spoke to WA who pointed me in the direction of the Law Society for a list of local solicitors, had a panic attack and a cry.

I get home and he is being nice, caring and saying “are you alright?” And “are you having a down day? Want to talk about it?”. He is being kind. I never know where I stand with him. I feel guilty for all I’ve done today now. I feel sad for him. How easy it is to forget how he makes me feel. I have to do this, I’m so miserable with him, I am made so small and pathetic with him. How could I forget how he mocks me? Belittles me? Makes me feel this low.

I need to stay strong.

[Imogen]

We have no joint account and he owns the house. All we share is life insurance. We have lived in the house just coming up to (removed by moderator)  now.

No matter how I do this it will blindside him. He knows I am unhappy yet continues to think and act that everything (in his world) is fine. That it is ok to patronise and belittle my thoughts and feelings. Not once has he followed up our conversation where I told him everything about how broken I am.

I’m scared but it’s the way forward and I need to focus on that.

[Imogen]

It’s kind of what I am realising now. I have always written as a means of release. I stopped because I felt I didn’t have a voice. I feel I don’t have a voice now. I know I think so little of myself, so much so I’m happy to wipe myself off the planet, I think work is the only place and people who would miss me but they will get over that…but then that bit of me says “don’t let him win this. I can rise out of it.”

He is so happy at the moment, he got away with this all being my fault and my issues, that he can make me feel so worthless, empty. He’s forgotten everything I said, because for now, he has won again. I feel sick when I see him, sit with him, sleep next to him (so much so I get out of bed now to sleep in the spare room without him knowing so that I can actually sleep).

I’ll check out the HG Tudor books and the Ballard 🙂 xxxx

[Imogen]

Hi both,
You wonderful women have been so helpful. A while ago you pointed me in the direction of both the book mentioned and the film. I have been doing my research, someone on here said knowledge is power. They were right. It does however come at a price concerning my thoughts and fears. I can see him in all of that.

Before, I wasn’t sure I could leave, I was 90% stay. As I share these experiences and examples I feel more 70% leave now. There are moments where I just think “can I have been this stupid?” And “how will I cope outside of this?” But that is where you wonderful beings help.

I’m edging closer to independence and it looks amazing from here. I know it won’t be easy. It’s is such a shocking revelation to see his behaviours pan out like they do in the books I have been reading. I’m trying to tell myself “don’t look for things that aren’t there”, but they are. I’m being as unbiased as I can on here to get your honest opinions, and they ring alarm bells for me, which is good, it means I’m understanding more and getting that bit more stronger. Stronger to start to put myself first.

xxx

[Imogen]

Thanks so much, all of you, really sound advice. I think CAB is the way to go first, just to start so I know what to ask when seeking out higher levels of service and advice.

xxx

[Imogen]

Hi Anna,

It is reassuring to know I can come here to discuss things. It’s hard to find moments away from everyone to call Women’s Aid between home and work. I worry about trusting my friends, so many of which I have met through him. I made a number of my own friends who are so very caring at work. Two of them know about this and it was one who pointed me in the direction of women’s aid. That same friend out and out said I was being abused the minute I explained things.

It’s hard to hear people say things like “that’s what marriage is about” or “he loves you so much”. I guess it is so easy for people to apply generic common sense or logic and assume everyone is ok.

The funny thing is, if I did just go, I don’t think there aren’t any friends I would feel I’d miss. I feel so detached from them because I can’t talk to them.

[Imogen]

Hey Falling Skys,

I feel there are similarities. I had been diagnosed and am recovering from PTSD albeit from an external situation, however, I sometimes wonder how I would have managed and dealt with it if I were not in this relationship.

I feel work is my escape and I love being there. You are inspiring and encouraging me to get there. I mean that sincerely, thank you x

[Imogen]

It is a horrific statistic. I wonder how my mental health has deteriorated from being with him and why I have let that happen to me. I want to be strong so desperately. You fantastic ladies are helping so very much. Thank you X

[Imogen]

Hey Itmustbemesurely,

I feel the same. Another night not sleeping and I feel it’s getting worse. I creep out and sleep in the spare room sometimes just to try and rest.

Also, like you it’s working out how to start to make this right. I’ve done a fair bit of reading and going to try the Freedom Programme online (link above). I’ve got no energy to get things moving and it feels like I am eating an elephant trying to work out where to start. There are some good guidelines in the comments above which I will be sure to try.

I’m terrible at talking. I’ve learnt not to and just to laugh my worries off. Maybe that’s from him. This makes me sound stupid when I try to talk to Women’s Aid but I think I need to keep trying. I get so nervous and anxious talking about myself and think I’m so boring or like an old record.

Sending so much love and hugs to you XXX

[Imogen]

Hi Falling Skys,

Thank you for your support and masses of hugs right back at you X

That is exactly what people say. They put him on a pedestal, tell me how lucky I am and how great he is. It is at the point I have no one to talk to within my friends circle. I started my job a while back with a fresh attitude and found I was being more like the woman I knew and always wanted to be. I should be able to be like that all the time no?

I feel like a burden and annoying by being here, probably repeating myself and asking silly questions. This forum is helping with finding solutions, literature and links for which I am so grateful for. It’s just working out how to transfer the things I read into action and have faith in them.

XXX

[Imogen]

Thank you Ayanna. I’m looking at that online version first. That sort of workbook system suits me. Thank you so much xxx

[Imogen]

Hi Ayanna,

What is the Freedom Programme? Sorry if I sound completely ignorant. Freedom is very much what I want to feel again.

[Imogen]

KIP that is some really helpful advice. I had tried the GP who wrote me off with depression. It’s just so odd for me to articulate. I have started to write down things more to try and read back what is going on and has been for many years. I have only really scratched the surface but uncovered a number of horrors. Thank you for this help xxx

[Imogen]

Hi Anna,

Firstly, I am so sorry this has happened to you. It saddens me deeply, but at the same time I am in awe of your courage and strength. I know my relationship is a mess. I just don’t know how to start to get out of it.

I go through the “just leave, get out” syndrome, then panic and worry about him?! then I think “it can’t be so bad, I’m imagining it”. There are a few people who notice little bits, but then think “oh you are so strong and patient to be with him, that’s real love”.

I just don’t know how to help myself which sounds so pathetic and I get so angry with myself for thinking that.

[Imogen]

Hi KIP,

I would tell that woman she needs to get out, to put herself first. But why is it so hard for me to say that to myself. I’d be devastated if it were a friend and do anything in my power to get her out.

I can’t and don’t have that. Everyone loves him. I tried to talk, only very loosely, to a friend who I thought would be reasonable but she just came back with, that’s what marriage and love is about.

I’m only getting sadness, pain and upset from this relationship, but feel too weak and pathetic to get out. I moved forward a while back trying to get a plan together but I don’t even know where to start really.

Any good ideas? Should I start with a solicitor or more emotional support?

[Imogen]

And the day you stopped giving him anything was the day you became free. I want to be free. I had a weekend to myself planned, doing an event. Just now he decided (after all the hotel booking I’ve done and such) he has to be there because I can’t do it on my own. I kept saying “that’s whatever YOU want, I want to be on my own, I’m happy doing this on my own”, to which he has had none of it and I have to make alterations to suit him. That was my respite. Gone. It’s been a plan for months and now HE has decided HE HAS to be there regardless of what I want. It sounds petty but I’ve feel I’ve been stripped of my freedom again. The last time I did an event and he wanted to be there, even though I said I was fine alone, he came with me then stressed me out complaining the whole time. That was a massive event for me and I was made to feel i had grossly inconvenienced him.

[Imogen]

The physical relationship between us is non existent. I don’t know why he “keeps me”. If there is any sexual activity, I do all the work. I don’t feel wanted, only that I play my part.

What you describe above about equality is very much what is happening. He reminds me verbally how much of a team we are, that we get through things together but that he is the one with the broader emotional shoulders and that he is the one to get me through things. What your ex said “I can pick you up and I can put you down”…god that is disgraceful.

I am familiar with that fear of him being disapproving or angry. It’s not an anger that is driven by rage, but how a teacher would be disappointed in a child. This is followed by how he can help me change.

[Imogen]

Yes, Healthyarchive, I end up saying that he is far more superior, intelligent, witty than I am. I say that a lot.

Ok, interesting task, so;

1) I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t come back, but what I do know is I would feel I had let him down. I felt like that anyway for the short time he did have to wait.

2) I honestly believe if I didn’t apologise for locking the door, I would have been told off for leaving it open. Maybe not straight away, but it would be brought up later. I’m basing that on experience. It’s like I can’t do right for doing wrong. There will always be a mocking or criticism which ever option I choose.

3) It was not an option to ask him. I know that would be met with a lot of huffing and puffing and then eventually if he did go, something I didn’t like would be picked up, an unappealing option. Sounds daft when I write that out.

I didn’t get an apology or thanks, just the thanks for my apology. I’m sorry I’m taking up your time, you are being so very helpful, thank you xxx

[Author]

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