Rafaello15

[Rafaello15]

Hi Carmilla, I feel your pain. As I have been in the same situation as you, looking for support for several months. Turned away from womens aid too. Then for days tried the Victim support and eventually got a IDVA and some support through them. Which still was not enough. Lisa has recommended some links to look at.
I wish you all the best, and don’t give up but do take a break when you need to.
Take care.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Watersprite,
thanks for the input on Marac, I didn’t get a case worker until now which I was promised, and had no way of contacting back although I tried to. Later I contacted our local domestic abuse / refuge team for the 3rd time, finally they got back to me and then got told she also now got contacted by Marac & they have just heard my case. Now I have IDVA worker supporting me and things are looking hopeful, Thank god, So grateful for that. After almost half a year of disappointment and almost giving up hope, feeling a bit hopeful.
Thank you all, best wishes.

[Rafaello15]

Welcome to the forum Krolikus,

You are very brave to have taken a step. It must have been hard to reach out or take the step but you needed to do it and you have. Like Lisa said you should consider taking legal advice on it.

I can understand to some extent how it must have felt with all the verbal abuse, as I have been suffering mostly verbal abuse in my marriage for a long time. It hurts the most, it is indeed very painful, because the invisible scars remain with you forever!

Take care & best wishes.

[Rafaello15]

Thanks Strongenough, for replying and giving further info on this.

Hoping for the best, and will keep going, but sometimes feels like a dead end. Thanks

Best wishes.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Goldenfish,

I agree with you totally, it is very hard to reach out, it took me decades to realise then years to reach out. Its far from easy to get the help we need. And yes the push back crushes your confidence down again.

Social services options don’t apply to my situation either.

This is actually my 2nd attempt. And since this time there is no physical assault yet, occupation order will be tough without a solicitor. Applying is free but family courts are very difficult.

Thanks for the links.
Take care

[Rafaello15]

Hi Goldenfish,
Wow your situation is just like mine. My children have witnessed years of abuse too. We to just surviving around him and his pestering day in & out, with dreading the weekend also, starting early from Friday. And I am also currently looking into occupation order & divorce with no clue or support, solicitors charge outrageous amount for even the protection orders.

Also got no help from the Police, they do not believe. But will be trying again. But please don’t be put off by my experience, everyones situation and the person handling it can be different, bringing out different outcomes.

Hope you get help and some answers too.

Take care

[Rafaello15]

Hi Twisted Sister,

Thank you lovely, but rest assured I am not changing the sockets; only the extensions and double plugs etc. The sockets has not been touched by him & I am sure, he cannot do it. Although I can do some DIY works, over the years taught myself the basic stuffs, as he won’t do any repairs or housework, I had to either do it by myself – the small jobs or get someone to do it.

It is awful to live like this with zero privacy, but I have no other option as I have young Adult children, so I will have to learn to be strong and get our freedom & privacy back.

I hope I can take him to court over it, but everyone I spoke to don’t seem to give any hope in that.

Take care.

[Rafaello15]

Hi All,

Thank you for your advices, so grateful for it.
So sorry to hear ‘Strongenough’ you also suffered the same. It’s like you literally don’t have any privacy in your own home, it is awful. But glad you left. I had him out of the house once For a while before he begged & crawled back, but all the time I was worried he is still listening to my every move! And he was he even hacked my cctv.

You’re so on point ‘Wants to help’ and believe me your advice helped me understand more, screenshot taken for reminder.
I have started to change double plugs & adaptors etc in one room that me and my children mostly use. Next will check screw holes in the plugs etc & book shelfs. The Smoke alarms are Electrical & were fitted by previous owner. He does change the back up batteries when needed.
Your also right about the home security stuffs. I had got cctv installed only outside for security, no sounds though, he tried his best to get access on the app to monitor us, not the house off-course. When he didn’t get access on the app then he hacked it. And also insisted on getting Ring doorbell so he can monitor us further I guess.

I did explain to the Police officers what is planted & where. But they were not ready to believe anything. As from his hints I know theres one spy cam and the rest are microphones.
I am working on the devices to back them up etc, getting them ready for clean up.
Thanks
Warm wishes.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Gerbil,

I totally understand your situation, as I am in same position as you. I have older teenage Sons and the youngest is the same as your Daughter, and I say the same to my Son too not to reply to anything, as his father actually tries to provoke him, always poking with taunts and putting him down. Just maybe explain to her that you will find a way soon and till then she needs stay calm.

Take care.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Gardening,

Please don’t best yourself up for not reporting. From experience I can tell you would have gained nothing with our current justice system which is very poor in recognising abuse, or prosecuting. Therefore these perpetrators roam freely with no fear and carry on abusing. Although there is DA laws and new law on coercive control was added in 2015, unfortunately they are all useless, they do not take into account abuse over the long period of times, as controlling behaviour cannot have happened in last 6months etc.

Like ‘Twisted Sister’ mentioned most women only report it to free themselves, even then for many it is not possible. I have reported many times and for last (detail removed by moderator) trying to free myself of the abusive relationship but still am trapped and living with my abuser.

Best wishes & take care.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Twisted Sister,
Thanks for the warm wishes & kind words.
I agree with you, what Llamaly1 is doing is great, awareness is important.
And it will help us all.

And you are right, Police need reporting for this kind of behaviour, and that too on two occasions. Need to look into that, just thinking – is it even worth it..
I am sure the Police know how their behaviour was inappropriate, then how do they do it, if they know reporting would make any difference to them etc; just a thought.

Take care. Warm wishes.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Llamaly1,

Thanks for the reply. Hope you are well.
Indeed very disheartened and hopeless, just want to shut off from everything at times. I am also new here.
I don’t have DA, womens aid directed me to my local domestic abuse and they never got back to me after contacting twice and giving them most details of the abuse.
In regards to counselling, my GP directed my oldest teenage son to ‘Talking Therapies’; my Son does not feel ready to talk to anyone about it.

Please update here if you get any response from the Police commissioners team or if there trying helps. Thinking of going that route maybe?

I can imagine how you fearing for your Son, as I live in the same house but cannot leave my Son alone for a while, when his father is home or he would start manipulating my Sons, thats all their father does now when talking to the boys.

I was wondering, if anyone tried complaining against the police over not recognising abuse and making excuses for abusers?

I agree the professionals don’t do their jobs. Then they wonder why Women take years & years to leave.

Please keep fighting it gives others like us some hope to fight too.

Take care of yourself.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Strongenough,

Thanks for sharing your experience. That’s really great to hear, and it surely makes me a bit hopeful, as I have been very disappointed with other services.

Just wanted to ask, how long did it take for them to get back to you and for the meeting to happen?
I am waiting to hear from them, just been referred a week ago & haven’t been assigned any IDVA/Advocate yet either.
I am getting a bit anxious after trying for several months to get support, its like banging my head against a wall. But hopeful about this.

Best wishes 🙂

[Rafaello15]

Hi Twisted Sister,

I have not tried court yet, I don’t know how much they would be of help, but will try and will look up the NCDV too.

I did try Rights of women once or twice but had no luck, and with the restrictions I live under, I don’t get the chance to try often, so it is difficult for me.

Thanks
Take care

[Rafaello15]

Hi Goldenfish,

I called Police both at time of incident and later to report historical abuse, but both times they kept twisting my words to show it’s not abuse.
My family would not believe at first for the same reason that they saw a perfect family. Only they noticed the distant from them. It took me years & years to acknowledge the abuse too.

I understand what you mean by the words don’t come out of the mouth, i too feel that way, numb & not finding the words.

I did try calling dvassist or something, they said I would not get legal aid.

Oh yes, It took me more than a month to register here too, I found reading the posts on the forum helpful when I did not get any support from anywhere else.
(detail removed by Moderator)

Take care.

[Author]

Posts