Loopy2

[Loopy2]

I hear you completely.  There is absolutely no intimacy here either.  I can’t even bear the thought of it.  When he has a drink he’ll moan about me being cold with him for the last (number removed by Moderator) years and he ‘misses us’.  I look at him now and I have nothing but resent and hate.  He has taken away years of my life and made them miserable.  The only thing that he has given me is two lovely kids but he is ruining their mental health now with his behaviour.  I do not want to be here any more but because he has taken away every part of me including my confidence, I feel stuck.  I have not got the strength or bravery to leave.  I need someone to come and grab us and take us away so I don’t have do it myself.  Sounds silly because that’s relying on someone else again but I don’t feel like I can do it myself.  That’s how they make us feel.  Like we need them.

I try to image how life would be if I could do something or say something without being criticised or being verbally attacked and yes, it sounds amazing but, getting there………that’s something different.

I know these are a lot of years of our lifes to ‘lose’ or ‘throw away’ but when we look at them, are they happy years?  Mine have not been happy.  Mine have been awful and full of emotional blackmail to stop me leaving.

We will get there.  I know we will.

Sending love and strength.

[Loopy2]

I’m so sorry you are living with.

I know exactly how exhausted and frustrating this is!  I can’t say or do anything without it being wrong.  If I say something, he says I need my head looking at and if I do something, he’s always got to change it or correct it, like move something 2cm to the left or right because that’s a much better place.  If I hoover and put the hoover away, he’ll kick it an inch over and mumble about he wishes ‘people’ would put things away properly.  The fact it doesn’t make the slightest difference and I shouldn’t even be hoovering in the first place because it cripples me but he’s too lazy to do anything doesn’t even come in to it!!

It’s good that you came here to vent.  I feel I have nowhere to vent sometimes and I get so upset, worked up and feel at the end of my tether.  It’s hard for other people to understand exactly how draining it is on you both physically and mentally.

Take care of yourself and make sure you keep posting whenever you need to x x

[Loopy2]

Hi EvenSerpentsSmile.

Thank you.  Unfortunately, even when I go to my GP, he comes in with me.  He has to know what I’m saying.  When they ask me things like ‘how do you get in the bath’, he’ll glare at me so I have to say that he helps me get in and out and washes my hair but in reality, it’s my (age removed by Moderator) year old daughter that helps me.  There’s just no way he can risk me going in alone and telling the truth about anything.

I do appreciate that they will probably want to speak to me at some point.  This is my problem.  My anxiety is just so bad that I just cannot do calls, especially when I don’t get much time to myself.  I mean, in theory it could be done during school run times but it would be really limited and I’d have to put my big girl pants on so…..

It’s a huge thought process.

[Loopy2]

Thank you everyone.  Due to severe anxiety, I can’t make phone calls and I can’t go anywhere alone which leaves my only option as email or live chat option.  If I wanted to go anywhere, he always takes me so I wouldn’t be able to go to any hub or anything as he would know what I was doing.

He has a habit of making me doubt and question myself most of the time so I guess to ask someone else to believe anything I say is going to be 50/50.  Like you have said though, they must hear this a lot so I just have to hope that ‘luck’ is on my side.

I have mentioned this in previous posts but my (relative removed by Moderator) committed suicide a few years ago so he knows exactly what buttons he is pushing when he is using emotional blackmail.  He’s very clever.  I’m very much an empath and he uses that against me 24/7.

I think I am going to have to put my big girl pants on and send an email and see what happens.  I don’t get left alone enough to do the live chat as he is always with me apart from (timeframe removed by Moderator) so I think email is probably safer.

Thank you again all.  I appreciate all of your replies, help and advice.

 

[Loopy2]

Hi. I am in exactly the same position.  I am full of hatred for him now.  Its because I am so sick and tired of walking on eggshells and everything that goes with it.  I too am so scared to leave due to him weaponizing everything.  I know he’s going to play the victim and tell so many lies to make me out to be a liar and I’m scared people will believe him.  He’s good at manipulating people, very good.  I’m always shaking and nauseous now because I really can’t stand being near him but I’m scared of the outcome of leaving or trying to get him to leave.

I hope you find the strength to leave and find peace x x

[Loopy2]

Thank you EvenSerpentsShine.  To be honest, I just need some kind of light at the end of the tunnel to aim for.  At the moment it’s just darkness and I just can’t find any light at all.  I’m just stuck.  I find it so hard to talk to anyone that I don’t know so I can’t even talk to my GP as these are always different.  It did feel good writing some of it down on here though, even though half of it was removed 🙂

I really appreciate your reply.  It gives me some kind of validation that maybe I’m not crazy x x x

[Loopy2]

I know exactly how you feel. I brought this up with my Sister last weekend in fact.  I said maybe that because I am so used to the way he acts that maybe now I see everything that he does as being monstrous and it’s now me over-reacting with everything he says and does.  He has told me so many times that I’m not right in the head, usually when I’ve caught him out in a lie or stuck up for myself, that I think maybe now I believe it is me and maybe it’s me with the problem.  Here comes big Sis to tell me that no, that is how he wants me to think and all his training and skills has worked big time on me.  He IS the monstrous man that I know or should know him to be and my head and heart know exactly that, how he treats me and walking on eggshells all the time is not normal.

Once they have treated you a certain way for so long, I think it is so hard to see any good in them any more, even when they turn on the charm.  My partner is great at being what he thinks is the big charmer in front of everyone and anyone that will see him and think how lovely he is.

Never feel bad about the way you see him now.  This is down to his actions.  I wish you luck and a great escape.  Well done for being so strong.  You’ve got this x x

[Loopy2]

You guys are all amazing.  I feel so empowered and strong when I read your messages.  I feel like I can do anything.  Then, half an hour later, I start with the usual….I’m pathetic, weak, I’ll never do it.

I am so determined I will do it now though.  I have started saving a little bit of money.  Not much, but a little.  He always has my bank card so it’s just bits of cash from Christmas and birthdays and things like that but it’s money that he can’t get his hands on.  I’m looking in to ways of how I ‘can’ do things rather things that I ‘can’t’ do.  I haven’t driven my car for over 3 years and I am determined to get back in it and drive.  He just took over the driving and convinced me I shouldn’t.  I am petrified but it will give me a lot more control over my life.  I’ll be able to do school runs which is one of the things I worry about being on my own.  I do worry about driving with my medical conditions but none of them warrant me not being allowed to drive.  It’s actually my car, down as my mobility car but I don’t drive it 🙂

Anyway……thank you reading my waffle.  I guess I’m thinking aloud.

 

You are amazing, supporting ladies and I wish you all well.

Thank you so much.

[Loopy2]

How awful for you.  I have never been in this situation but my only suggestion (and what I would do) would be maybe to put a post out on facebook? Are you on any Mums Network pages or anything similar? If you are, I would put a help post out for someone to come and help fix your fences.  I’ve done this with other things and have had lots of responses and quite often it works out cheaper because people want to help. I’ve even had free offers but obviously given some money anyway as a thank you.

If you can, could you also get some cheap cameras for the front and rear of your house?  This could provide any proof if your ex is snooping around?

I hope you get this sorted so that you can feel safe again.

[Loopy2]

Well done!! You are amazing for doing what is right for you and your children.

I have plans in my head that I will leave after Christmas, probably 2025.  My partner has no idea and is also always talking about our future. I always feel really guilty because that’s who I am.  I know it will crush him when I leave but I’m also petrified of what he will do.  He really does not like people thinking that he is not Mr Perfect so me leaving will completely destroy everything that he has been saying to people about what he does for me and how lovely he is.

I really hope I am as strong as you are and can commit to my plans to leave.  I am fed up of living miserably and constantly walking on eggshells, too scared to say the wrong thing all the time.  I know my kids will find it hard at first but I know they will be happier in the long run too.

I wish you all the luck and a much happier 2025.

[Loopy2]

This is how abuse works.  They can be as so nice but then they show their true colours.  My Partner is the same when he’s drunk.  He starts of nice but the more he drinks, the worse he gets.  He hides alcohol around the house but I can tell when he’s drinking, apart from the obvious slurring, his moods gives it away.

My Partner can be very moody when sober though so we are always walking on eggshells.  My daughter is scared of her Dad, my son just hides in his room.  I have two other children that are older (not his) that can’t stand him due to an isolated incident where he put his arm around my neck and I couldn’t breath while camping.  Luckily, his Mum came from her tent and got him off me.  They don’t like him because of the way he talks to me and them either.

If you want to leave, contact your local Womens Aid and they can guide and help you with next steps.  There’s also a chat option on here that you can use that may help if you’re not sure which way you want to go.

I have plans to leave after Christmas if I’m strong enough.  I really hope I am.  I hope you find strength too to do what is best for you.

[Loopy2]

Thank you very much for your reply.  I’m so happy you managed to get away.

I hate the way I always feel guilty about everything.  Every time I look at him, I feel guilty knowing I am going to leave.  He can be really nice and when he is, the guilt is even worse.  I get these images of him being homeless, drinking, withering away.  He drinks enough now.  I just picture all sorts of images of him or dread him doing something to himself.  I also worry on a different note that he’ll use my disabilities to try and get the kids from me.  My daughter is scared of her Dad so that would be a definite no no.

I am so worried, full of guilt, scared, you name it.

Knowing that you have escaped does help though and maybe there is a way out for me too.  I keep thinking maybe I’ll wait until after Christmas for the kids sake but I’m not sure I can wait that long now but we’ll see.

I have so much to sort out in my head but you have helped immensely.

Thank you gettingtired x

[Loopy2]

You are not a rubbish or horrible person.  That’s the way he wants you to think.  That’s the way they work.  I was wondering the same thing until recently.  Wondering perhaps if it was me that was the problem, perhaps I was being overly sensitive to things, taking things the wrong way maybe etc?

It wasn’t until I was told that I was in an emotionally abusive coercive relationship a few months ago that things fell in to place.  (detail removed by Moderator).

It was never me, it was just the way he wanted me to feel. Stripped of me, my friends, my life.

You are not a rubbish or horrible person!  Don’t let him make you feel like you are.  Yes it’s hard.  I’m still putting up with it but in my head now, I know what he’s doing and I won’t let him make him think it’s me anymore.

I got shouted at (detail removed by Moderator) for asking a simple question and yes, I was really upset and my initial reaction was I did something wrong, but then my new reality kicked in and I just looked at him and did my little Homer Simpson in my head and sang the circus song so I drowned him out 🙂

You have got this.  Until we are strong enough to end our trauma, we need to be strong.

 

[Loopy2]

Thank you Lisa.  I’m not sure when I am leaving yet but I know I will.  I just don’t want my children to hate me if he does do something to himself.  Once I can get my head around this, I will contact my local service as you suggested.

Thanks again Lisa x x

[Loopy2]

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation.  It sucks doesn’t it.  I have been advised to phone Womens Aid, use the live chat on here or use the email service on here so that might help you?  I haven’t been brave enough to go there yet.

I am in a similar situation.  I am the one that works but I am also disabled and cannot do much for myself.  My partner takes care of the finances so has my bank card, does the shopping etc.  (detail removed by moderator)  I cannot make phone calls myself due to sever anxiety which he is very aware of.  I have tied emailing gas companies as I don’t know who we have our supply with but I have had no reply from any of them.  I have tried getting him to sort it out but he keeps saying he’ll do it tomorrow.  He knows I’ll be too scared to leave with that over my head.  My Mum also passed away in (detail removed by moderator) and my Dad committed suicide in (detail removed by moderator)  I know if I could talk to any of them, they would help me in so many ways.  I could move in with them until I could find somewhere to go.

I know if you contact Womens Aid, they will be able to help you with getting out and also with housing. Like I said, I haven’t been brave enough yet but the amount of people that have done it and have had amazing help and positive stories is great.

If you can, please reach out to them and get the help you deserve x

[Loopy2]

Thank you Lisa x

[Loopy2]

Thank you so much for your reply.  I keep imagining myself after I leave with the kids and some days it looks like bliss, all peaceful and lovely.  Other times, it’s me in one big panick about how I’ll cope with things beings disabled and being limited on what I can and can’t do.  I think that’s what he’s counting on.  I’ll get there.

Thank you again for your reply.  It’s so nice knowing that real people get out and are enjoying life again.

[Loopy2]

Thank you so much.  This was really helpful and positive to read.  I think I doubt it’s abuse sometimes which puts me off asking for help.  When things happen, I know I need out but then I question whether it’s just me being silly or over-reacting.  It’s such an awful life to live.  You question yourself every day and I hate it.

I hope I can be as brave as you soon.  You really have given me some light so I really thank you.

 

[Loopy2]

Thank you very much for your reply.  I’m so happy you have managed to escape and I hope the abuse comes to a complete end soon.

I think this is the worst part for me.  The times he has shown me the knife he has taken with him, or told me that he has sat down and wrote notes to the kids for me to give them after he’s gone.  My heart has gone in to my mouth thinking about how the kids would feel and how they would blame me.  I lost my Dad to suicide in (detail removed by moderator) and I know what it does to the family.  He knows how hard that hit me and that’s why he’s doing it.

He really knows what buttons to push to keep me where I am.  I am so trapped.  I have to think of the kids as well.  I mostly feel that they will be so much better off not living with someone so toxic but then at the end of the day, he is their Dad and I don’t want to be the one that gets blamed for everything.  I’m always catching him whispering to our Son, especially when he’s had a drink.

Why is it so hard?  You are so brave x

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