Lostmonkey

[Lostmonkey]

I think it is the amount that the children know – and thus how much they have to deal with. There is that precondition that you are supposed to love your family… especially your parents. Alongside that we all want the best for people we know – and yet it seems they keep down this path which is not only negative to them but damaging to those around them. – and leave us all struggling. xx

[Lostmonkey]

I can echo the above – I am grateful for any responses and discussion – and it really helps to have advice from someone who has come across at least similar situations.

[Lostmonkey]

Thank you – it really is great to have this forum x

[Lostmonkey]

Even if it is one friend you feel you can confide bits in – find someone you can share some of it with – or here – but it really will help. Don’t worry about family if they are not the right people for this – you need to strengthen you x

[Lostmonkey]

You would be amazed – they see past the mask. They have seen it so many times. Your story sounds like mine and they saw past his mask. There were times when I wondered if they did but ultimately it was clear that they did. They know he is incredibly persuasive and manipulative. Very charming! I was also in survival mode but I have managed to find a couple of mums on the school run I know well enough to share enough to help me be stronger. This has made a huge difference. It is a long road and I am certainly not there. He always told me if I tried anything he would make sure I never saw my children again. He always told me if I did not keep the house nice he would call social services on me… etc etc They were not fooled. Neither were the police. I do not promise that everyone will get it – there are some people who just don’t get it but even if there is just one person – an old friend you have found through facebook (I shared with one like this- she was a very old friend that I had not kept in touch with but we were good friends and after some chat it was as though we had never been out of touch and I shared- it was worth it). You are definitely not alone. Keep talking to people – even posting on here. It all makes a difference and gives that little bit of strength (in my experience).

[Lostmonkey]

This is the point I am at now – with social services input managed to get him to agree to leave – apparently he thought it would just be short term – it won’t be – but he really manipulative. He has already been told by them not to come to pick up – if they want to see him I have to drop them to him as if one did not want to see him he would manipulate etc – the thing that got me to tell someone was he spilled over to abusing them in front of me… and now I see the bits and ways he is manipulating them and still getting to me. – I have taken a long time to feel I am not wasting someone’s time asking for help but at the moment I know I need something. The list is good because is validates all those niggling thoughts about things not being right. When they have constantly told you and told your kids how stupid you are, that you don’t remember things right etc etc – it is good to not feel you are going a bit mad or imagining things – that it is a recognised thing

[Lostmonkey]

Sorry for being bitty – I am basically not very strong yet and the police did warn he would be good but equally I am not strong enough to not believe in the best… I am strong enough to not let him back in – I have made sure I have shared enough with some friends to keep me stronger… but I am still working on it

[Lostmonkey]

I should also add he is not living with us because social services asked him to leave and he complied.

[Lostmonkey]

I know I keep minimising everything – it has been a very long time – I am hoping by sharing more I will stop doing this – but equally I do not want to push too far the other way and be fair to them. It is only that the youngest had voiced not wanting to stay there – she has previously but no longer wants to – and it just concerns me the language she used and that she ‘should’ stay over because he had paid so much money to make a nice bedroom… he tried to work through her to get back in the house – told her he had to move – then when I asked him said that they were happy for him to stay there and there was no issue with the rental – he just wanted to move – thankfully I asked in front of the youngest so she heard and stopped asking if he could move back home as he needed somewhere to live…I am guessing that was his object…argh…I said it seemed one thing after another

[Lostmonkey]

Maybe he felt he was not helping your situation. I would talk it through with WA and that may really help you to work out where you are and what you need to do.

[Lostmonkey]

I dealt with police and they were amazingly supportive and understanding – I was not in the right place before and am only just getting there but equally I was assured that they would never act without informing me. They will not suddenly act. All my going to see them was whilst he was at work and he had no idea.
They even offered to come to me.

[Lostmonkey]

Thank you for such supportive advice – still feeling lost but intending to contact more support once kids back at school. x

[Lostmonkey]

It is not through the courts as I have not persued divorce or actions through the police – although they were very supportive and want me to bring charges as they feel there is enough…but I am struggling to give coherent statements.
The contact is being managed by social services and child protection board.

[Lostmonkey]

That poem is so good. It flows so well and is so evocative. Please keep writing and keep safe. x

[Lostmonkey]

Thank you. It just seems so hard to do what is right. I want to protect them but also not upset them or be uncaring to him but increasingly, as I have looked back and taken away all those marries to squashed memories, I can see it has been years and years of abuse. Only he did not hit me so I just put up with it… I do not want my girls to follow this pattern but I cannot deny them their dad really can I and maybe he is not that bad if he is able to show others he is a good person and I am the one with the problems… (that is the line he has taken as defence that it is all my fault)

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