marmaladechamp

[marmaladechamp]

So yeah, nevermind about him.

I texted him today to just say I was interested in seeing him and reiterating that I wanted to take it slow. I also disclosed the fact that I have herpes, a very nerve wracking thing to do.

Anyways 2 hours later I get this long reply from him saying he doesn’t think it would work out. He believes that if we’d just committed to each other from the start many years ago he could’ve prevented all of this from happening. I would never have met the other guys and experienced those things. I actually feel sorry for him, am I mad? Probably. It sounds like he feels in some way responsible which I told him was ridiculous like we wouldnt have worked out that time but now we’ve both grown as people.

So yeah f*ck this. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I just want things to just work out for me. Everything feels so difficult. I am upset about it, only because of how much history we had together and after everything I’ve been through I thought maybe something good was going to come from it. He says he wants to keep in touch but I said I can’t, it’s too difficult.

Just wish I could fast forward and skip over this pain and heartache. How long do I have to keep being strong for?

[marmaladechamp]

Hi Yellowflower,

We both met at uni and a bunch of stuff happened, he dropped out and life got in the way. We didn’t speak every day but would catch-up every so often and just chat for hours. I know what my ex has done and I know what to look at for. I’m already setting boundaries and letting him know that I would like to keep in touch and see what happens but take things very slowly.

I am nervous about it because part of me feels like it’s wrong to even think about another guy but I am not going to go straight into dating and being in a relationship. I want to take it slow. I’d like to see where it goes and if it doesn’t work out this time for whatever reason I’ve still got a friend.

[marmaladechamp]

I should also mention that he is verrrry flirty and he makes me feel like the sassy queen I should be! Although when I tell him to stop he does so he does respect my boundaries in that sense.

[marmaladechamp]

Thank you both. I think it’s just been so difficult because I’ve been trying to keep myself really busy and go head first into setting a new routine but I’m starting to have these crushing moments when I have flashbacks and realisations what he has done or said.

Is it wrong of me to feel bad for him? He claimed from time to time that he did feel guilty after he’d say or threaten something horrible but how guilty can you really feel when you keep doing the same thing despite knowing how it affects someone you are supposed to love.

I’ve been putting some of the really difficult things to the back of my head but they are starting to come through and I’m freaking out. I dont know how to process and deal everything.

[marmaladechamp]

I emailed him outlining all the things we needed to sort out and said about wanting to see the dog (after he said the other day he would like to arrange for me to see her) and it was like the other day never happened. His response was SCATHING! Telling me about (detail removed by moderator). He finished it off with a subtle threat in the form of (detail removed by moderator). This was after he threatened to show up at my work if I didn’t reply to him. To top it all off (detail removed by moderator)! She is being used as a pawn in this whole thing.

[marmaladechamp]

Hi Pinkflower,

You’re mind will be in such a muddle at the minute. Make a list of what he has said/done to you for your own sanity. I found it helps immensely when I am doubting myself as it makes me realise I’m not overreacting, these are genuinely things that have happened.

I also understand how difficult it is when they start trying to guilt trip you into staying and forgiving them. Is all I can say (as many ladies on here have said to me) is it’s okay to put yourself and your kids first.

You know what’s best for you and the fact that you e left means that you are so strong and brave! It will take time to adjust and feel that way but you have to do what makes you happy and it doesn’t sound like he did. I personally found making a list of things I have always wanted to do but couldn’t with him is a great little motivator for moving forward.

You can do this!!

[marmaladechamp]

Donkey, it’s so hard these first few days.

I felt so empty and the guilt was really difficult to deal with. You have done what’s best for you and your baby and you will look back on this moment in time with relief. It will feel like the worst thing in the world right now but as each day passes you will get stronger.

I hope you have a peaceful first night x

[marmaladechamp]

When does it start to get easier? He knows now, they all do. He has read my letrer too. (detail removed by moderator). She was so lovely to me, his whole family were and now ive just devastated them all.

[marmaladechamp]

Ive blocked him and his brother because they both keep messaging and ringing me. He knows now something is up. Im just sat in my car crying, I feel like the worst person in the world.

[marmaladechamp]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
I dont think we are ever truly ready to leave but in the end we have to do whats best for us. (detail removed by moderator). is my day and i feel this cocktail of emotions ranging from sadness to grief to fear.

There are many factors you need to take into consideration such as when he’s going to be out of the house long enough for you to pack up. Also are you going to tell him and is it safe for you to do so or are you going to write him a letter/text/call. Its not easy planning it and it will feel like you are living a double life because with that date in mind you will presumably be keeping things normal so he doesnt suspect what you are doing.

Deep down you know this is the best thing for you and your children and although it will hurt in the immediate future it will get better. You’ve got to put yourself and your kids first.

Pick a day when he will be out for a few hours, long enough to pack up, grab your kids and go. Make sure you have somewhere to go to.

It wont be easy but just think once you have a date in mind keep thinking this time next week/month/year you and your kids will be free and happy.

X

[marmaladechamp]

I’m trying not to cry reading that, it always comes back to deep down I know what is right for me and what isn’t and sadly he falls into the second category.

I might right that mantra on my hand to try and get me through tomorrow. This time tomorrow I will probably be gone and that’s a scary thought. Although he met his Dr and has made the initial steps to get help but I haven’t told him I think he is abusing me.

I just keep thinking that i’ll be able to watch crap TV, soppy movies, go out for a coffee on my own with a book, visit my friends and family on my own and even go to the gym without him feeling the need to accompany me or make me feel guilty for wanting independence. He even had the cheek the other day to say that he thinks i’ve changed because I used to argue back with him a lot more when we first started going out.

[marmaladechamp]

Hi Scarecrow,

Well done for coming on this journey! As someone currently battling the fog it is such a struggle and I hope one day it will clear enough for me to stop believing I am the guilty one.

I am currently planning my escape and hoping to be out by the end of this week. This will be my second attempt. The fog comes and goes in tremendous waves, its thick enough to make me feel like ive been winded.

I too have been reading a lot about verbal abuse and the different tactics they use against us and it makes me feel physically sick. I still feel so guilty for planning my escape as I am thinking of just leaving one day when he is out.

I am so scared and worried about it but i know once I get through the worst I can begin piecing my life back together.

We can do this.

X

[marmaladechamp]

Yeah thats good advice Tiffany, thank you.

I am just really struggling to keep myself from bubbling over. I feel so guilty for lying to him and pretending everything is okay. I am so upset too about it all. Also the fact that i’ll just leave one day and not have another conversation about it when he’s admitted that he’s so insecure about me abandoning him, just like he believes his mum and dad did when he was younger. I cant eat or sleep properly thinking about how its going to affect him.

[marmaladechamp]

I started keeping a list of things and jotting down any flashbacks i have about a month ago and I only wish I had done it sooner because when he asks me for specific examples of his behaviour he gets very annoyed when i cant relay the incident word by word even when it could’ve happened years ago.

One thing I noticed was how he always checks if the windows are open when he starts an argument and if they are he asks me to close them.

He started again on how I wasnt that nice to him and I didnt want to do things at the weekend and I was like the reason i dont suggest things is because you can be really difficult out and you make me feel anxious driving because of the constant criticism.

[marmaladechamp]

I’m just trying to keep it all together but it’s unbearable. I can’t even process what she told me on the phone. I still feel like it’s not that bad but the statement was awful. I am in shock.

[Author]

Posts