Missnobody

[Missnobody]

Don’t worry J@Jmum, you’re not alone! When I read your post I felt like I’d written it. I mean, of course they’re not going to stop torturing us, that would mean giving up, relinquishing control, which we both know is not an option. I’m still very early days out of my hellish relationship and if you feel anything like me you just never want to see him again – like ever! Unfortunately as you say, we will have this connection for life due to the children and I myself am still trying to find ways to deal with everything.
I know I haven’t really given any great advice there but I just wanted you to know that it’s not an unusual situation that you’re in, it’s not your fault and we will all be much better off in the end…at least that’s what I keep telling myself xxx

[Missnobody]

Thanks everyone. I had a terrible night’s sleep full of weird dreams and have an upset stomach this morning – I hate that he’s still having this effect on me. I know I did the right thing and keep reminding myself of that, it’s just now and again the seeds if doubt creep in which I guess is normal.
I didn’t know I could contact WA now I’m out of the relationship? I suppose I thought they just helped you to leave? x

[Missnobody]

Thanks for your reply IWMB, this place does help because I sometimes feel like people don’t get it, but you and everyone on here does. Unfortunately I have to remain in contact with him for our children but I’ve advised him only to contact me regarding them and nothing else. I suppose I just feel stupid really, I didn’t expect to miss him!! I guess it upsets me even more because his family know what he’s like, he’s never really hidden it from them and they have seen his behaviour at times. They once saw him pin me against a door by my neck whilst screaming in my face….so I guess I just feel a bit betrayed by them too now. Silly really as they don’t really matter I guess xx

[Missnobody]

Well…we’ve split finally…but it’s far from over. He is extremely good at playing the victim and I’m currently getting various social media abuse from his family who think I’ve broken his non-existent heart. I’m so mad, I feel like I want to explain myself as I’m so used to defending my every move, but I’m trying not to even respond to it. The problem I have is that I feel like he’s still in control, still one step ahead of me all the time and I’m worried that people aren’t going to believe my story. I guess it’s my fault for not contacting anyone official to talk about it but I didn’t feel like I was able to do that. He’s still playing mind games – he’s aggressive, then he’s saying he misses me, then he questions my parenting, then he says I’m not the person he fell in love with…why am I being made to feel like the bad person? And why do I feel like he should pay for so many years of abuse towards me. I feel lost. I thought this would be the end but it’s not.

[Missnobody]

So he’s been in the best mood ever today. Then sends me a message saying he loves me. I think he suspects something.
I just want to go, don’t want to be here, but every time I think about the day I’ll leave I think I might throw up!

[Missnobody]

Thanks for the replies, it’s quite a lonely time while all this is going on and I’ve never doubted myself so much. Obviously he smells a rat because he’s being absolutely fine lately (to be clear, not nice, just fine). We haven’t spoken much and he’s only said something to me when he wants something.
I was talking to a family member about it all and said that I’m wondering whether I’m doing the right thing. I feel like maybe I’ve got some mental health issues and if I leave I’ll start to feel better and then regret going…the family member pointed out that if I leave and my mental health improves then that should be the sign that I’ve made the right decision.
I feel like I constantly need reminding of what he is and what he’s done because I’m just programmed to forgive him. It’s hard to break the cycle.

[Missnobody]

You know, considering this is meant to be a supportive environment I have to say I feel a little judged. I have never and would never put my children in danger. My partner is a good father and has never hurt them, he’s just a crap boyfriend. The point I was making is that because parents have equal rights there’s obviously a chance he would get custody, which would kill me.
Oh and my subject has been reported? I might as well just post on Facebook, same kind of judgemental attitudes met there.
You needn’t worry as I won’t be posting again.

[Missnobody]

Everything I have read above is basically my life! I joined the site about a year ago but haven’t posted for around 6 months…maybe because I’m embarrassed that I’m still here putting up with his abuse. The thing is now, I’m angry. Angry because I am going to have to be the one to leave when I have the better job and I pay 90% of the bills. He’ll stay here and keep the home I’ve built while I struggle to find childcare and a new house for me and my children. It’s been a bad day today. I recently got the contraceptive implant (due to bad hormonal headaches) and he says it’s because I’m having an affair. I booked a hair appointment for the first time in years and guess what? It’s cos I’m having an affair. He called me a whore and hid my phone and car keys. Oh and I now have a lovely new hole in my bathroom door.

[Missnobody]

Yeah i could use work…i didn’t realise i could do that so ill look into it.
He’s back to the niceties for a couple of days but i think its just because he wants sex – i keep making excuses but im going to have to do it or he’ll get suspicious…

[Missnobody]

Thank you all so much for your input. Last night was the final straw…i wont go into details but I’m done now, no more.
The thing is,i need to open an account to put some money away but will the paperwork all come to the house? I cant ring the helpline as he checks my phone bill and will ask me who it is. I just need to start making plans to go but without money I can’t – I need to make sure my babies will be ok xx

[Missnobody]

Wow thank you ladies, it really is a horrible situation…talk about walking on egg shells! You are so right though, I’ve basically brushed it off for years because he’s had nice days, but i just dont have the strength to do it anymore – its draining.
I will take a look at all the info you’ve provided so thanks again xx

[Missnobody]

Thanks girls, he’s back to his good old self today and adding fuel to my fire!
He texted me at work and asked why I’d not texted him, i told him i was swamped and just didn’t have the time, so he said ive obviously got other things on my mind…?! God knows what he’s referring to here.
Anyway so i kinda knew what kind of mood he’d be in when i got home…boy i wasnt wrong. He keeps calling me spoilt – thats a new one – and because i didnt want desert he threw it at me and said i had 2 minutes to eat it or else. I didn’t eat it…and he didnt do anything… But i mean what???! What the hell is all that about?

[Missnobody]

Hi godschild, thank you for your response I really appreciate it.
I know it might sound silly, but I’m not sure I’m ready to call the helpline just yet. I’m still a bit unsure of what I’m doing and whether it’s the right thing, etc.
He has only ever hit me once, but it doesnt matter because the other things he does are sonetimes worse. For example, when the anger starts he just will not let it go, it can go on for hours and its like some kind of form of torture – if i leave the room he’ll follow me, he wont let me leave the house or phone anyone – and yet sometimes I’ll just beg him to stop and he doesnt care, he’ll just say something like “oh hear come the tears”…sounds awful but sometimes i think a punch in the face would be less painful xxx

[Missnobody]

Hope all went well Moonflower, I’m not sure im quite ready to ring the helpline just yet… I guess I’m still a bit unsure as to whether I’m doing the right thing. I can really relate to what you were saying about your daughter, I have 2 and that is the obe thing that is spurring me on to get out as I dont want them in this environment.

Wandering Cloud – thank you so much for responding, it really does help to hear I’m not the only one in this kind of situation.
I have to say how right you are about noticing things – I dont know whether I’m just being picky because I’m upset with him but I have noticed some smaller, less obvious things today that I would have normally otherwise ignored, and they have really got to me.
For example, I was talking to my oldest daughter in the kitchen (about bra colours of all things – she’s recently started wearing them) and he came downstairs from the toilet and said “what are you whispering about?” So obviously I said “we weren’t whispering, we wrre just talking” and his reply was “I heard you when I was upstairs and as I came down you lowered your voice so I didn’t hear you”….I was just a bit stunned really and didnt really know how to react to that so i just repeated that we weren’t whispering, so he stomped off into the living room muttering “you’re always whispering”….!!!!
I mean, its a small incident really but I really noticed it today, and it really kinda showed me the kind of person he is – he is in quite a good mood today but still needs to make sure he makes me feel like s**t at some point during the day! Phew rant over haha

[Missnobody]

Thank you Lisa, he has said in the past that he’ll change/get help but its all false promises. He definitely doesn’t believe what he does is as bad as i try to tell him, I’m probably partly to blame for this as I’ve let it go on for so long without holding him accountable x

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