Mommabear

[Mommabear]

Fizzylem – this makes so much sense, thank you. You are right, I have identified ‘his’ voice which is the first step. I will take on board your advice and have a go at this this week.

My youngest was rude to me this morning again and I could hear ‘his’ voice criticising me. I couldn’t do anything right, on the one hand I did something to help her and she said ‘I’m not a baby’, in the next breathe I hadn’t remembered something. I shed some tears in the car and she seemed genuinely remorseful when I gently told her how critical she had been and that I was trying my best.

Another question – how did you talk to your son about the abuse? I’m mindful that he is their father and I don’t want to get into a ‘he’s done this, he’s mean’ sceanario so I haven’t spoken of how he has been mean since he left as I don’t want to be that person. However, when he was living here, both my girls voiced concerns about the way he spoke to us all and were the catalyst for me asking him to leave as I wanted to be a good role model. They haven’t voiced any concerns since but what they witnessed when they were growing up wasn’t normal. How did you tackle this?

Mommabear xxx

[Mommabear]

Thanks diymum@1. This afternoon, they asked for sweets and to be fair it’s the last day of the holidays and they haven’t had many over Xmas. Before going to get them I had a chat with them both about being respectful and nice to me, I didn’t tell them off, I just reminded them that sweets are a treat. My youngest was rude to me this morning (i did get her up at the crack of dawn for a netball match) but had since apologized. I don’t want to be too strict but equally I don’t want them to walk all over me…..I find it such a hard balance between not punishing them every time they do something wrong (which is what my ex did) and reminding them about being kind.

They are good kids, they really are. I don’t want to crush their spirit every time they are slightly out of line but equally I don’t want to let them get away with murder…..

Mommabear xxxx

[Mommabear]

Hi Maddog,

Thank you for your message – you have made me cry!

I had a WA support worker until the end of last year but as she thought I was doing so well, I got signed off.

It’s a tricky one because he has contact with them and has actually become a better father since our split. That said, my eldest daughter came home in tears over Xmas because she missed me so much and because his mother was being controlling.(detail removed by moderator) but he said he was busy. They look forward to seeing him and they seem to have a good time with him so I don’t want to muddy that if that makes sense.

Maybe, I need counselling also? I guess he has controlled my life for so long that I am still under his spell? Maybe the children do need some help, I guess being brought up in this environment will have had a knock on effect on them and potentially it’s a bomb waiting to explode?

It feels like I still have so much weight on my shoulders…..

Tomorrow is back to school and back to work so maybe it’s just that time of year….

Mommabear xxx

[Mommabear]

Hi Hetty,

This is exactly how I feel. I get a sinking feeling every Friday and never ever get the Monday morning blues because I know that he will be at work most of the week.

What you have described is the exact mirror of my life…..I, I, I, I…..

Have you spoken to Womens aid? They have been brilliant for me and I am very close to getting my husband to leave.

It’s a long prrocess but there are lots of people out there to help you

Mommabear x

[Mommabear]

Camel – what a brilliant summary of this. I have told a few friends to watch it and explained that it’s all about the subtlety of what and how he does and says. Sometimes when I am describing to close friends what has happened in my relationship, it sounds so small and pathetic BUT it’s how it’s delivered and the on-going chipping away at me.

I was deeply affected by this programme yet I completely agree that some of it seems trivial.

Dragon, someone once said to me, if you think it’s abusive then it most likely is. When I started to doubt what was happening in my relationship, I started reading about the subject extensively and it helped me realise exactly what was happening. I also started to talk to close friends who confirmed that they had seen it too and I wasn’t going mad.

Lots of love and hugs to you all

Mommabear xxxx

[Mommabear]

imsosad….I totally understand where you are at. I’ve recently left my relationship but the guilt I feel for myself is excruciating. We need time to heal and I plan to get to the bottom of why I have let someone do this to me.

Our futures will be brighter and we will learn from this experience and I am hoping that in some way I can use what has happened to me in a positive way in the future.

Right now, my heart is breaking in two, for the person I was and the one I have become

Mommabear xxxx

[Mommabear]

Thank you HopeLifeJoy. The solictor has just told me her fees! It’s expensive 🙁 Are there any there options? I don’t have a lot of cash (although financially we are ok) as he controls the money

Mommabear xxx

[Mommabear]

Thanks KIP, I have started to log stuff. I have no idea how much money there is (despite being married, he’s always talked about HIS money). I’m hoping a solicitor can sort this out without going to court. I have so many witnesses of his behaviour who have seen him in action so he doesn’t really have a chance of getting custody of the children.

I spoke to my GP this week (I have spoken to her before) so she is aware of what’s going on.

Yes, that’s my plan, do it the nice way and if he gets nasty then get a non molestation order.

I’m starting to believe that I actually have a chance of happiness here. He can’t control me any longer and he certainly can’t stop me from leaving. There is light at the end of the tunnel

Mommabear xxxx

[Mommabear]

I do live in fear, every day of my life. I am also incredibly naive (despite being degree educated!). I just feel that I cannot reason with him. He doesn’t understand. He thinks that how he is is completely normal and this is how relationships are. I see little point in dragging all of this up again.

I have an appointment with a solicitor on Tuesday. I want to understand what my rights are and what I need to do. I’ve spoken to WA and they advised I may have a case for coercive control. I don’t want to go down that route yet (again being naive!)

[Mommabear]

Goodness I am naive….that’s probably why I have ended up in this mess to begin with. I just don’t understand how anyone could do this. What an absolute mess I am in.

I have a call with a very experienced and highly recommended lawyer tomorrow, I’m hoping she will enlighten me about my options. I have spoken to WA previously but I don’t want to go down the route of police/authorities just yet. Again, I am probably being really naive.

I just wish someone would take all of this away from me. I feel absolutely devastated that I am even in this position.

xxxx

[Mommabear]

That’s what I am worried about. I do have a couple of contingency plans and some cash to flee. I also have people on hand to come straight over if he kicks off. Again, am I being naive?

I’m too nice!!!!

[Mommabear]

I am so sorry to read this getusout. I’m in a similar position to you and have done a lot of reading about this topic. Sadly these men use whatever they can to make us feel like we are going crazy.

Is there an option to just leave, break free and start a new life?

I too cannot eat, sleep or function properly, such is the effect this has had on me. Sadly, I don’t think I have the fight in me to make a case for coercive control, I just want out.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Women’s aid?

I just want someone to come and take all of this pain away from me and for me and my children to be happy again

Lots of love Mummabear xxx

[Mommabear]

OMG this was my experience…whatever I got illness wise he got 10 times worse! Sending everyone currently still co-habiting lots of love xxx

[Mommabear]

fizzylem what a brilliant and supportive post. I cannot thank you enough for your wisdom. I feel like I have lent so much on friends throughout the last year, I ask their advice and run things past them since they have similar parenting styles to mine. I have asked our nanny and a family member to have a chat with ,my youngest who can be quite rude to me and she seemed to listen.

I am really struggling however to find my own way. I thought my way was a good way but for the last 10 years I’ve been told that I am a terrible mother, too leniant, all their bad behaviour is my fault. All their good traits are his (typical narcissist I know).

My family live far away, I have their support but not physically if that makes sense. My mother in law is close but she’s a controlling woman herself and my girls aren’t that fond of her. I feel lost, swamped and scared but tomorrow is another day and I’m sure I’ll wake up feeling differently.

I will take this year like I did last year, with baby steps. It’s the only way. I guess I am going to feel unsettled for a while yet.

At least my children trust me and talk to me, that’s encouraging.

xxx

[Mommabear]

Hi there,

I have been in this situation for the last (detail removed by moderator) years and he is hopefully leaving this weekend.

I would say that if you have evidence like you mentioned then you would have a good chance of getting an occupation order. The company that Lisa mentioned above will be able to help as going through a solicitor to get an occupation order is more costly.

Keep on going, believe in yourself and you have more strength that you will ever know….

xx

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