older lady

[older lady]

Hi Mellow

My child saw what he was like – it takes time but they do grow up and work it out for themselves. They know who’s there for them and cares for them. Sometimes the abusive parent likes to be the fun parent dropping in and out expecting a big fuss, and children like that (for a time) but eventually, if/when he lets them down, they’ll see who it is who’s consistently there for them, doing all the seemingly small but totally essential things.

My daughter’s father used to think I owed him an explanation about how I spent money. With the cost of living going through the roof, money doesn’t go very far these days. He never missed an opportunity to put me down in front of my daughter (eventually she thought he was an embarrassment). If you can read, ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. It explains all about ‘the badfather’, so you can anticipate his behaviour and know that it’s all part of a manipulative pattern (as you said) that people know all about. x

[older lady]

Just to add, I currently have started counselling, and I’m realizing about the effects of trauma. I didn’t know that what was happening in my head was something people knew of as a traumatic response to an adverse event. Then this is compounded by further adverse events over time.
It’s an awful lot to recover from. I’m just realizing I’m only beginning. Hope there’s time to get better. In a way, it feels like I’m looking for myself in all the rubble.
He did a nice thing sometimes… but I know it was to disguise the abuse. x

[older lady]

I think people do this in bereavement, too. They mourn the good things and wish they’d done things differently. You’ve experienced trauma in a relationship and now grief for all kinds of loss. Gentle movement or activity, I try yoga and walking, and grounding exercises can bring your focus back to now, reassuring yourself that you’re safe in the present moment. You can move on and have nice things again, without abuse.

[older lady]

Hi,
What you’re describing is definitely a pattern of behaviour I can recognise from my own experience.
Have you read, ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven? It’s a book all about him. Chapter 4 in my book is ‘The Badfather’.
If you havent, I recommend it. Knowing what this pattern is, seeing it in him, explains why he’s so angry about boundaries, and your request for reasonable behaviour; it doesn’t give him the control he wants over what he thinks of as ‘his’ to use and abuse as he chooses.
Your expectations of consistency, stability, security are completely reasonable, and come from a consensus of opinion held more widely in society as being necessary needs of a child.
Take a look at all the ways ‘the badfather’ uses their child to control the mother; it brings clarity to his manipulative behaviour. Chapter 5 outlines what a child needs, and hopefully you can see some possible outcomes. I’ve been away from sources of support for a long time, but I’m sure Women’s Aid can signpost you to specialist advice.

[older lady]

Just wanted to add something..

I’m learning about the effects of trauma. I can relate so much to how I feel to the experience of domestic abuse as a trauma, and it’s really helping. I’m starting to understand a lot more about ‘why’…

x

[older lady]

Hi, I find your post motivating.

For me it’s been almost too easy to become low and negative about all the damage and wasted years, and forget the freedom and potential of my life now. I wonder why that is? I wonder if I’m refusing to let go because I don’t want to forget what he did to me, afraid it could happen again, or angry that I just have to let it go without justice. I also have survivor guilt. He told me he was at war with me, but he’s gone & I’m still here. I feel sad for him. He was superficially happy but ruined his relationships (with everyone).

I used to like Oracle cards, etc., not because I think they can predict the future but because I think images are a useful way for me to start to think about issues, feelings, etc. I used to like all kinds of things but having him in my life crushed that side of myself. I suppose I can take an interest in all these things again, it’s just that whoever I was before I met him made me vulnerable to someone like him, so I’ve shut the door on that side of myself. Hope that makes sense?
I think domestic abuse can crush the ‘spirit’ inside oneself, what is fine, delicate, young, hopeful, believing. It’s just onwards in survivor mode… although, from time to time, I prayed to God to free me.

I’ll think about the moon (as a feminine symbol) & light a candle this evening (like I once used to).

Many thanks, and blessings to you.

[older lady]

Hi, nbumblebee

Thank you for your supportive words. Although I didn’t live with my daughter’s father, he was never out of my life. He could have access to me because we had a child. I think I hated myself, for being in this position and attracting a man who treated me like this. I was only ever nice to him, so I couldn’t understand why he had to behave like this to me. I think he wanted to drive me mad, or break my spirit. He said he would destroy me, and he nearly did.

I pretended too, all kinds of things to me, him, everyone else… whatever kept the situation safe. It wasn’t a normal life. I realise now that being free isn’t the end goal; it’s being free of the effects, and getting self and life back. You’ve asked for help, and I’m glad that you have some supportive people, and please know that you’re not alone, that you’re not a mess or a screw up, it’s what’s happening to you that’s screwed up. Please remember that. It’s the abuse that’s screwed up. I used to think of his behaviour as his ‘crazy-making’ behaviour and him as the ‘crazy maker’. It’s them, not us. x

[older lady]

Hello Headcook,

I do remember your name, but sadly a lot has happened over the past few years and my head’s not where it used to be. My daughter’s father who had been abusive to me for two decades got ill and eventually died. It was very difficult to know what to do and I dont know if there is a right answer to that. I continued to take care of myself and our daughter, and got involved only from a safe distance as I didn’t want to expose myself to any more abuse from him. I felt a great deal of sorrow for him, and despite everything cried many tears. In my initial grief, I thought I could have been more involved during his illness, but now I think my grief was somewhat misplaced, being for a dream of how things might have been but were not. Needless to say, I’m still here suffering the after effects of his abusive behaviour, I doubt I’ll ever get myself back, and not one person who knows how he was with me thinks I should have got involved at all.

I’m sorry I can’t offer more.

My best wishes and take care x

[older lady]

Hi Lisa and Watersprite. Many thanks for your support. I have had support in the past, but it’s been many years, so maybe I do need to get some extra help now. I thought the relief of being free would be enough, I counted away the years, every christmas. Yes, I’ll think about what other help I can get, especially with my not sleeping. Thank you, again x

[older lady]

You are certainly not a terrible person for wanting to have your baby. Hold on to every source of support you have and don’t get isolated from people who care about you, or services that can help you if you need it. My best wishes and congratulations, too.

[older lady]

Domestic abuse, I think of as being in a trapped situation, not a relationship, so I don’t think it’s like you’ve moved on so quickly. You’ve found a good relationship and you haven’t had that for years. Best of wishes, you deserve happiness, same as anyone else.

[older lady]

Hello. I’m so sorry to read what you’re going through. It is well-meaning but naively optimistic of people to suggest that you can bounce back after abuse. It must be difficult for you if you don’t get the understanding that you need. I carry self-blame and guilt too (I’ve beaten myself up regularly), believing I should have anticipated, prevented and escaped abuse in a better way than I did… and sooner. Because I did not, I believed I was responsible for him being able to abuse me and for how that’s now affecting me. I too was tied to him through a shared child and he exploited that for years (something that made me very bitter about the law/legal system). My child is grown now and he couldn’t have exploited her to get to me, but I am free of him in any case. But, as you said, I am not free of him and the damage done to my finances, career, health and so on. I can’t repair it, because I can’t get back the time, but I still have to go on from here. I just don’t trust myself to know what to do for the best. I hope you don’t mind me sharing, just to let you know you’re not alone.

[older lady]

Perhaps moving on is like coming out of darkness into light…. with a period of fog in-between (which is where I am).

I’m glad you came through this.

[older lady]

Hi, all.

I’m in the same boat, too. I met my (elderly) mother for a coffee recently (a rare event, indeed), and she confidently announced that my ‘problem’ in life is that I ‘overthink’ everything. She says that, because she doesn’t understand. I’ve had to overthink everything all the time because I’ve been in a state of high alert for the last two decades trying to predict and protect myself (and others) from abuse. One thing about the abuse was the constant state of confusion and unpredictability. I’m free now… and yet I feel disoriented, in a fog and lost at sea. I can’t keep drifting along like this. I know I must do something but I have no trust. Maybe that’s why all I can (and want to) do is hide away, in bed?

[older lady]

Serenity, I don’t know what the threats are but is this behaviour something you would consider reporting? You are still being domestically abused. I think I know what you mean about not being afraid in the original way anymore, before you learned about domestic abuse and saw the pattern of behaviour. You say these threats are quite significant. I know I’m still afraid of my daughter’s father. I know he is capable of doing a lot of damage, and I know that until my daughter is an adult I am always going to have to manage this situation particularly with her welfare in mind. My mental health has been damaged by him and I know I’m not going to heal from that while he is still in our life. It’s exhausting having to be strong, for so long, particularly mentally strong. xx

[older lady]

Hi. Yes, he ‘very much wants relations to improve’ to his own advantage. I hope this isn’t the start of further abuse. Its all about the control. My daughter’s father has such an issue with money. He once said ‘i’m nothing without money’. I remember thinking how sad that was (and wondered about his self-image) but what I wasn’t prepared for was just how deep that went with him. Money is very important for him as a source of power and a means of control, and he exploits it, even with his own child and he can’t see beyond that to a better way of relating to people. xx

[older lady]

Please take the safest route. Its horrible to leave everything behind, I’ve had to do it myself and hide away in a new place, where I knew noone. I left job, home, friends, possessions to face debt and homelessness (I was homeless for about a year) but eventually I found a safe place to live and you can too. I know I made the right choice but i can’t say i don’t regret what I had to leave behind because i do feel very sad about it, even now. But what would have happened if I had stayed? So I can’t regret it and I know, if I had to, I would do it again. I hope you can stay safe too. xx

[older lady]

Hi. Can you speak with your local Women’s Aid, or domestic abuse advisory service to get some advice about how to approach this with your daughter’s counsellor? I just don’t think its a good idea at all. You have the right to put boundaries in place which you feel safe with and to keep these in place. My daughter’s father suggested ‘family togetherness for the sake of the child’ but what it was actually about was him getting back in control and further abuse. Your employer may have a policy they follow for workplace bullying. I think you will be doing well, its just that its difficult to feel like it at the time, but you’ll see it in hindsight. xx

[older lady]

Women’s Aid will always tell us to take threats to ourselves and our family seriously. Even if he didn’t carry out his threat, think what it could do, how it might change the way you can live and the choices you make. Having to look over your shoulder all the time is no way to live, and the anxiety will affect your health. You deserve to be treated with respect by the police. Only in hindsight could someone say this was a bluff. The police don’t have a crystal ball, so this threat is evidence of further domestic abuse, and it is in your interests to get it recorded. Take care. xx

[older lady]

Hello, Twins Mum. I just read your post too. Maybe you can post back on the forum, when you feel it is safe to do so. I hope you are okay. Take care xx

[older lady]

I won’t post again because you want to sign off the forum for a bit, but I will just add this. You mention disloyalty. Your first loyalty is to yourself. If you think something is wrong you owe it to yourself to seek, from as many sources as possible, advice and support to find out what is wrong and consider what you can do about it. I have suffered from misplaced loyalty, and really paid a price for not taking care of myself. Do not isolate yourself from wider sources of support. Your support network makes you stronger. It concerns me that it is your husband that has diagnosed rape trauma syndrome, and although he assures you he will support you he then rubs his hands together in expectation of the end of the ban. This does not strike me as someone capable of being supportive. You mention that he has already threatened to leave because there isn’t enough intimacy, and I am surprised that your counsellor did not pick up on this as coercive behaviour. This is the way I see it because of what I have learned about domestic abuse but also from my own experience but it is just my opinion. You might also consider finding out about Stockholm Syndrome in relationships. Take care xx

[older lady]

I also think its worth looking up ‘gaslighting’, even if its just to rule it out.

[older lady]

You got it ALL wrong? You’re husband thinks its normal to be aggressive sometimes, he puts his moods onto you and your daughter, even though that is affecting you both, he refuses to acknowledge responsibility for his own behaviour by blaming his ‘inner chimp’. You may be suffering PTSD from a previous traumatic event but that doesn’t mean everything is down to that. I’ve experienced that if you tell someone that you’ve suffered previous trauma or mental ill health, it can be used as a convenient way of explaining away a lot of other stuff that’s also going on. Its probably much more complex than that.

[older lady]

Hi, Happynow. I have read your reply, which I want to acknowledge. I do read it differently, but appreciate an intention to inspire hope. x

[older lady]

Hi, Happynow. I have read your reply, which I want to acknowledge. I do read it differently, but appreciate an intention to inspire hope. x

[older lady]

I used to think I must have a sign on my head that read ‘abuse me’. Then I learned that men can be abusive in a particular way in their intimate relationships. You’re not responsible for that problem. It isn’t your fault. xx

[older lady]

That’s been me too. Abuse from a distance and not living a life. I put up with it. So much damage to my mental health. The fear and risk in getting completely away was always there. I thought I had to tolerate it for my child. The lesser of two evils. I love that you got away and are safe. I wish I had early on, when I might have, but was afraid what being homeless would do to me with two young children. Would he have found me? Would the courts have helped him carry on? Now my children are grown and shielded from it as much as I could, but I’m a mess. I still hear him shouting down my ear. He charges at me wanting to hurt me in my dreams.
It’s so hard to give someone any suggestions because of the consequences of it not working out. You’re so right about the specialist help.
Take care x

[older lady]

Seems like an image of being daily worn down. You can’t look up, or try to help yourself out, because he’s at the top, blocking the way. If you weren’t in that hole, what would he do? He’d have to carry his own sh1t around, instead of dumping it on you…
I used to feel it in my skin; a strange, creeping, burning feeling that spread up my arms (especially) and was an immediate response to the hurling of abuse; perhaps I would describe it having fireballs thrown at me, burning me up, trying to destroy me.
Maybe you will grow, become too tall for any hole he can dig for you, maybe he will shrink from his own poison. Maybe one day you’ll be looking down at him.
Until that day, there are many here who’ve been in that hole, too, and will be wishing you out.

[older lady]

Hi,
I used to enjoy all sorts of things, creatively & so on, but writing is the most difficult because I’ve found that I freeze. I’m used to my words having been ignored for so long (even used to attack me with), important words like ‘no’; even sounds like tears were mocked, so I stopped. Even smiling feels unnatural; I’ve been on ‘mute’ for a long time.
I’m glad you do not feel the waste of time, so much, although the traumatic effects are still present. I’m pretty sure this is so much about trauma, and how the brain reacts to and tries to manage trauma. I remember, years ago, on this forum the ladies described the effects as like the abuser still having a free ride in their head; I thought of it as malware in my brain (for a while). Now I think it’s trauma and the residual effects of it residing in the body and especially the brain. At the moment for me, understanding trauma is a way of understanding myself, and taking care of myself as someone profoundly injured. The injuries are not always visible, although there are those scars too.
I notice you say you’re prone to panic. Grounding techniques can help with this; feeling in the present, realizing that you are safe where you are, and knowing that your brain is trying to help keep you safe, even tho it’s wrong time wrong place.
I’ve been through terrible embarrassment at my own panic attacks (just trying to do normal things), until I realised I deserved compassion, for what I’d been through, not berating for failing to function. Probably self-compassion was the beginning of caring for myself.
Anyway, you’re not alone. Take care x

[older lady]

Yes, thanks. I’m going to find some extra help now (especially because I’m not sleeping). Thank you for sharing your experience. x

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