Onlyintime

[Onlyintime]

Oh my, bjs on tap, I had forgotten about those. I have forgotten so much of what happens in this department. Stupidly told him previous experiences, which are used against me..you must have loved him more cause you won’t do that with me. Etc etc. (detail removed by Moderator) Even unwell I have to oblige.

[Onlyintime]

Also since his last escalation, it seems like he wants it constantly and I can barely cope with it right now.

[Onlyintime]

It’s also like a routine which must happen after x amount of days. I wake up in the morning and I think ” ugh its sx day” and I know that instigating it to get it over with is probably better than waiting for him to pounce. Or am i just a saddest with a very warped way of thinking about things.

[Onlyintime]

Drunk: just made me remember why I don’t drink, every time I have been drunk..and I mean sick drunk he has had his way, despite having vomited. Even trying A. Wow everything you say just hits home. This mainly happens (removed by moderator). Then leaves afterwards, before I’m even dressed again. The degradation of being left half undressed ( as why remove the top half when you only need the bottom) wondering just wtf just happened. I just zone out, clean up and go back to whatever household chore I was doing.

[Onlyintime]

If he did change and treated you the way you need and deserve, would you feel the same as you do ? I asked myself this question and the basic answer is..yes, I would still be unattracted to him. The thought of him being anywhere near me does nothing for me even if we have had the best day. I suppose its been over in my head for years

[Onlyintime]

I’m here, I’m thinking of asking him to go all the time, how I would say it without it escalating him. In the mean time he is fine, doing his normal, he has completely forgotten about his last escalation..which took maybe a year to happen, but it happened. I really don’t think I can deal with the guilt of him loosing his home and everything that comes with a split but at the same time why should we sacrifice our happiness for their guilt. I’m right here with u girls

[Onlyintime]

So last night he started with the age long questions and statements of ‘your depressed, are you ok, what’s wrong, your stressed, your not yourself’ he always tells me that I’m in a mood or upset or stressed even on the days when I’m actually ok and somewhat happy. Since holiday I have busied myself cleaning cooking meals shopping and not being useless as he said I was on holiday. I said to him last night that I was fine and just doing my job and not being useless.today he is telling me that my only job is to be happy. Big fat LOL at that. I just keep telling him I’m fine. Cause physically I’m still standing and mentally I’m numb aka fine. My red line is so far behind me that I can’t even see it anymore. I’m gonna work as much as I can and get savings behind me again in secret so when it’s time to tell him to leave I will have something to fall back on. Thank you ladies. I always wonder if they know what they are doing, if they think about what they say and do or is it a red rage that they can’t control.

[Onlyintime]

Il maybe phone tomorrow but its the same..ask him to leave but I’m just too scared of the escalation.

[Onlyintime]

I think the worst thing is that this behaviour feels normal, I’m numb to it. Although I cried that night it took a lot, he really has to push and push to make me cry. Then when I do, he makes comment about crocodile tears if I try to explain myself he will copy what I’m saying in a stammering kind of way ie bbbb but what. That kind of thing. I don’t argue back but try to explain and I hate myself for being so weak and scared. I am scared of him. He is the type of man to probably kill me in a red rage. I’m quite sure of it. I asked him If he would hit me and he said no because that would leave a mark although he felt like it. He really is nothing special to look at, has a mediocre job no friends, if I asked him to leave he would loose everything, his home (mine) the kids, rhe car (mine) and the guilt of doing that to him stops me too. How can someone treat u so badly and u still feel sorry for wanting to leave them. This time, he hasn’t even apologised for his escalation. That’s worrying to me, usually he’s very sorry afterwards but not this time.

[Onlyintime]

My daughter said to me ..if you want to break up I understand. She is under 10. It break my heart that I don’t have the courage as I am too conditioned now. I am aware of every tone in his voice every look, every footstep. I know exactly what I can and cannot do. I was the only one of a group of colleagues to not go to a wedding recently, pleading childcare and poverty ad an excuse but we all know the real reason. He didn’t tell me not to go as he never tells me not to do something but the mood if I do do it is not worth the hassle. I havent had a night out for 7 years now. I’m a shell of who I used to be, I sat like a little girl with my hands over my ears that night on holiday. I’m disgusted with myself

[Onlyintime]

Also, and I hate to write this because it’s so degrading. He asked me for intimacy and in return he would forget about the whole thing. I was so desperate for the argument to end that I let him, half an hour later he started to pick at me again. I felt so used and disgusted. It wasn’t intimate at all, (detail removed by moderator)

[Onlyintime]

Is this rape? He doesn’t force it but if i say no there is a mood. Sometimes I bend over just to get it done..there is no kissing at all..pnts down and away he goes. After he gets up and goes down stairs and i am left wondering what just happened. This happens every two days like clockwork. I feel used and feel as though I have just consented to rape as it is never tender its alwsys hard and I hurt the next day internally. Sorry to jump on this.

[Onlyintime]

Thank u ladies. I have a little savings not much not even enough to cover a month’s rent but building on it. Thank u. Xxx

[Onlyintime]

The phrase “when he’s good he’s very very good..” springs to mind. Ah the age old Intimacy..the getting it over with for a couple of days rest bite. The truth is, is I am a coward. I dont have it in me to break this guys heart and kick him out. Not that he would go easily either. He hasn’t the last couple of times I tried. Well and truly stuck. At least for now things seem dare I say..blissful. I like this side to him but more than aware that he is short tempered with a nasty side. Il keep posting. Xx

[Onlyintime]

I love this. 💗

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