Racoon

[Racoon]

Could you re-register at a different GP surgery. Don’t know if this is possible for you but might be worth a try.

[Racoon]

It’s great to hear from you Paris! So happy you and your baby have safely escaped to a refuge.

Best of luck on your journey to recovery.

Stay safe. Keep us updated.
Xx

[Racoon]

Omg….so sorry to hear this. I don’t know what to say. Other than to speak to someone on the domestic violence team at the police as soon as it’s safe to do complain about how you were handled. Call the women’s aid helpline too.

[Racoon]

YOU CAN AND YOU HAVE! Keep moving forward one step at a time your doing great.

[Racoon]

Sending you a great big hug……

You are always one step closer to freedom. Please keep in touch with someone on the helpline whenever your able to access it.

There may be domestic violence drop in clinics at your local children’s centre. I recently found out my local one provides free legal advice too. There may be similar near you.

You may be able to arrange a meeting and get 1:1 support at your local children’s centre.

Health visitors/ family support workers and other professionals have been so helpful and supportive to me. You may wish to consider telling them about your situation. They helped me to escape.

If he is using your phone try and make sure you get back up copies of all his messages. One way of doing this may be to open a new random email account and send screen prints of all the messages to this random email account.
However, be careful don’t leave evidence that your screenshoting these messages and sending them on etc….

Is there anyone your able to tell who can photograph the messages from him on your phone?

Please stay safe. Abusers are likely to become more dangerous if they think you are planning to escape the relationship.

Stay in touch. Post whenever you can. People on here can provide you with so much support and are a wealth of advice, guidance and information.

Your not alone! Xx

[Racoon]

I’d stick to communicating via email or via post if necessay. Maybe send a quick letter informing him of your email address and suggest that he could get a friend of family member to support him with setting up an email account and writing the email. If he is unable or unwilling he could write and use Royal Mail.

[Racoon]

Yes you can text 999 if that’s your only option. Text “Police, domestic violence response needed & your address” if you don’t get a response within 3 minutes text again.

Just thought I’d post that too in case anyone else ever needs it.

[Racoon]

Just in case you need it. I think Police can still respond to text messages sent to 999. I’m looking it up now.

[Racoon]

Is he named as a joint tennant of your property? If he isn’t I’m pretty sure they could force him to leave if necessary.
I’m pretty sure the Police would definitely politely ask him to leave. If you state that you are in fear of your safety if he was to be left in the house. I think they have to remove him.

Prior to calling the Police is it worth getting your friend to drop in. He may be more inclined to leave if he is made uncomfortable. When your friend arrives state “xxx was just leaving”. That way it’s clear that he is leaving and there’s little excuse to stay at that point. You may need to call Police at that point.

Just a few suggestions that might be worth a try. Please make sure you keep your phone on you and keep your doors unlocked and exits clear. Can your friend inform someone else of the plans in place that’s outside the home too. Someone she can call to stand down when the situation is safe.

Hope he leaves soon without any drama. keep us updated.

[Racoon]

I do go out of my way to make it a really positive handover process each way. E.g upbeat and positive. There is no problem when I come to handover. I have ensured that I reinforce that it’s a positive exciting time. On the other end when I’m collecting there’s the problem. My ex thrives on seeing our child distressed when parting from him. He will go to great lenghths to ensure that it’s seen that child doesn’t want to leave Daddy, and will verbally reinforce this by saying “I know you don’t want to go baby but I’m sorry you have to!”
When we get home I make it a nice calming fun time relaxed snacks and wind down. I may ask little questions such as have you eaten. Are you hungry. I usually get no reply.
I don’t usually ask questions unless necessary. My child is a really good communicator in general but does not choose to speak about time with Dad at all.
If I address anything with him if fuels the fire and he would either become worse or try another abusive tactic.
It’s so frustrating…….

[Racoon]

How are you Bambieyes? Please send us an update. I really do hope you’ve had some positive progress.

[Racoon]

You described that 3rd person that does not provide validation so well. I have been there many times too. Whilst reading your posts I can clearly see the 3rd person so well as if they’re sat rolling their eyes.

When it comes to your description of the abuse you’ve suffered I felt the weight of every word land on my shoulders and can genuinely feel the weight of that suffering as I could of ticked most of those behaviours from my perpetrator too.

I don’t think anyone will ever truly get it unless they’ve been there and felt similar patterns of behaviour.

I didn’t even get it for many years whilst it was happening and for a considerable period after.

It’s brilliant you are able to so clearly identify individual abusive patterns of behaviour. There were new ones for me I hadn’t seen identified.

Thanks for taking them time to post.

Yes I feel like this quite often too and regularly feel my situation needs to be explained to justify my actions. If that makes sense.

[Racoon]

I think Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?”book will really help give you the strength to say no.

The freedom programme would be so helpful too. It’s also available online if your unable to attend the sessions.

(detail removed by Moderator)

[Racoon]

I bet you never dared to have a bath in the day/leave him to deal with the kids or declined to complete his (detail removed by Moderator) again did you?

It’s all about control and manipulating situations to suit his needs. Abusive behaviour can be incredibly subtle but over time it can control every aspect of your life without you actually knowing or realising.

Keep making those escape plans and try to safely read a book by Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that” if it’s possible without him seeing it. Can’t stress enough the importance of him not finding out that you are planing/thinking of escaping.

Keep posting whenever you need to. I’m sure you’ll get some great advice and support on here.

Take care xx

[Racoon]

I don’t recal ever hearing of an abusive man changing. He may behave for extended periods of time in order to “win you back” but the behaviour will soon return and you will always live in fear of its return.

I like many others returned to my abusive marriage after a few months away cause I believed things would be different. I played a good act but that lasted for just over a week and his abusive behaviour returned he also became more controlling making it very difficult for me to safely escape again with my child.

It’s great that you are able to see that his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable and that you joined this forum for support. Many of us have been in very similar positions and can provide lots of advice, guidance and support in whatever stage of your journey.

Please remember there is no excuse for abuse. The terribly stressful situation with his father does not excuse his behaviour.

As a general rule abusive relationships only get worse. My concern is that if you return his behaviour will become increasingly violent as punishment for leaving him and causing him more stress at such a difficult time. He is already showing indications of his anger towards you.

I understand it’s very difficult but dont cave in to the added pressure of the unfortunate events with his father. Stay safely where you are and read Lundy Bancroft book. “Why does he do that!” It will put things into perspective.

Please please don’t have children with this abusive angry man.

[Racoon]

It is OK to say NO to someone for whatever reason. You do not need an excuse or justification for saying no.

Please go and have the time of your life with your friends and don’t allow anyone to pressurise you into doing anything you don’t want to do.

You have not been stupid and this whole situation is not your fault. It is entirely due to his abusive and controlling behaviour.

I would strongly recommend going No contact again and blocking his communications.

He needs to respect you by respecting your decision to end the relationship.

I really hope your able to get away with your friends. We’ll all be looking forward to your postcard!

[Racoon]

I understand your anxiety about blocking him as I felt similar. I received suicide threats and all sorts and initially found it extremely difficult to maintain no contact. He continued to ignore every request for no contact. I was unable to block him due to child together.

I would say that maintaining no contact is the best thing to do. It sends out the strongest message. If you react to anything it shows your vulnerabilities. I would recommend blocking him when you feel able to.
It’s so much easier to ignore if it doesn’t even get through.

Maybe consider writing a short letter stating that you don’t wish to be contacted and if he continues you will be forced to contact the police. It’s just an idea it may or may not be suitable for your situation.

[Racoon]

When I was planning my escape. It was a police officer that advised me to get out of the area and move as far away as possible. before my ex took me to court for access. I’ve heard other survivors say similar. I would seek immediate advice from a solicitor but I would seek to be getting away to your family asap. You’ve got a good argument that you need their support. It may mean abandoning the house but if it’s jointly owned he can arrange the sale. Also get a support worker with Women’s Aid. Do you work? Is it possible to relocate job?

Please get some specific advice from a solicitor. There is so much that depends on your specific circumstances. I would ask your local Women’s Aid if they can recommend one. Most will offer 1st consultation free.

Please take care and keep us updated.

[Racoon]

How are you Paris?

[Racoon]

You are not to blame. He is responsible for his own actions. He may be “trying to change” but sadly abusers never change. They just change their tactics.

Abuse is not usually defined by one incident. It’s a cluster of inappropriate behaviour that defines an abusive relationship.

Try and get some support via Women’s Aid they will help you with the confusion and support you if you choose to escape this abusive relationship.

“It’s so much easier to walk the path without the bloody eggshells!”

[Racoon]

Get a cheap baby monitor for downstairs. That will alert you very quickly then contact the police straight away. I would also increase security by changing the locks etc…

[Racoon]

I told my health visitor. In my case she was the one that helped me escape my abusive marriage. She was so supportive and put me in touch with a domestic violence support worker. It maybe possible to arrange to meet support worker during your regular playgroup visit. Are you able to speak to a staff member at playgroup regarding you situation? Is it a surestart centre? My local surestart centres work closely with Women’s Aid and staff members are very knowledgeable about issues affecting victims of domestic abuse They may be able to provide you with some support and guide you to further support in your area. Are you able to use the phone there to call the helpline? Please do emphasise the fact that you and your child ARE in immediate danger and they may be able to arrange a meeting very quickly.

[Racoon]

Please call the helpline as soon as your able too. Maybe try and get a family member to call to get some advice for you. I’m sorry I can’t provide you with any specific advice as I haven’t been in refuge. I hope you are able to access professional support very soon.

[Racoon]

Is it possible that the social worker can have a quiet word with the officer involved in order to point out the absolute stupidity of the comments made/ and SS referral considering the case history. It could be done in such a way that it’s not a direct complaint but just working together for a safer community. Isn’t that the purpose of the marac to be working as a team of professionals in the community. If it’s a small community and your a high risk case officers should be fully aware of your circumstances anyway shouldn’t they? Sorry just going off on one now cause I’m so frustrated for you.

[Racoon]

I’m so sorry you received such poor support from the police. No wonder people don’t bother to report things it’s so frustrating and devestating that they could label you as paranoid. Please do make a formal complaint about it. It’s the only way things change. I don’t know but Women’s Aid or alternative domestic violence support local to you may be able to support you or take the complaint them on your behalf.

[Racoon]

Congratulations. It’s great to hear such good news. I hope you can now have a very merry Christmas! Xx

[Racoon]

The court process is horrible but in my case one of those necessary evils. It’s quite complicated so it is being dragged out.

It’s positive in the way that there will be some form of closure when the final order is made.

I could go on for a week about the negatives.

[Racoon]

I’m sorry I just re-read my post and it comes across a bit like I’m suggesting you should be allowing/or going out of your way to give your ex partner access. It was more of a suggestion for additional safety if you had to.

I was in a similar position and had serious concerns regarding my child’s contact with father and felt it shouldn’t be unsupervised. The contact centre was my only option.

I’m currently going through the court process. I waited for him to take it to court.

[Racoon]

You may wish to arrange regular contact at your local child contact centre. I am pretty sure you can self refer. He can then have regular contact with your child. It’s overseen by volunteers it’s not classed as supervised contact. You can also supervise contact yourself if you are able, or sit elsewhere and have no contact. It also makes it unnecessary for him to contact you by phone or text etc unless it’s an emergency.

[Racoon]

There’s also a Daily wisdom version of “Why does he do that?” A quote a day that will really help keep you going on your path to freedom.

Hope your having a good day.

Racoon.

[Author]

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