Rainbowcloud

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou I’m on school run now I’ve left early so I can escape. Sometimes he isn’t abusive for a while and I think I’m safe but as soon as something he doesn’t like pops up the abuse begins again. I have a few friends I’ve told who have offered to have the kids for me if I need them to on the weekend. We have one daughter together who is (detail removed by moderator) tbh I was going to have a termination with her I am so glad I didn’t as she has bought me much joy and happiness to my life and I don’t regret it for a second jusf wish it was with someone who had more compassion and less selfish ways.
I haven’t posted for a while as I post then don’t leave as I feel to scared to leave and not have my daughter all the time because I don’t want his influence on her without me there if you know what I mean.
I hate the thought of him having her on weekends etc he had access to his older kids so would defo fight me for it.
She’s my world and I don’t want to lose her or have him bad mouth me to her.
I think sometimes he’s being nice and he does the odd nice thoughtful thing but the abuse always starts now I’m getting silent treatment.
I hate I’m still feeling pregnant and carrying this round with me it’s a really horrible feeling he doesn’t get it.
(detail removed by moderator) he blames me for anything that goes wrong. Now he’s shouting at me because this miscarriage isn’t a good time for him he has to work. Pleads poverty but has money I’m not stupid he isn’t skint like a normal skint.
I jsur know when I have to go through the process of losing this baby he will prob fake an interest but won’t care really.
He seems angry I’ve lost the baby like I’ve caused it it’s hard to explain but angry all the time.
Just want (detail removed by moderator) so they can check again and I can start the process and hopefully be over it for Xmas day for the kids.
He always shouts at me and puts me down it’s depressing my life is depressing.

[Rainbowcloud]

It’s hard to accept it is rape because in the end I say yes to keep the peace and keep him happy even though I don’t want to do it. I read a post I did this time last year and he was doing it then aswell he’s probably being doing it for the whole year and it happens so much I forget about it.
I wake up everyday thinking he will want sex today and if I do it today I get tomorrow off but not always sometimes it’s daily.
The other day he said he wasn’t happy because I wasn’t giving him oral sex enough maybe I don’t want to so I know I’m going to have to do that soon because he won’t let it go.
I hate how he holds my head in one place and I can’t move away from him 🙁
He’s gone out for a bit now so I get a break I love it when he’s not here. He went for a night out recently I loved it but even then he was messaging me it was the best night of my life that I could watch what I want on tv I could text me family I could watch a film with my kids without him there. I wish he would go out more he never goes out and has hardly any friends.
I know I have to have sex tonight though dreading it.

[Rainbowcloud]

Oh yes he says and does exactly the same.

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks all helps so much it’s so hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes. He plays the most awful mind games on a daily basis with me so nice today but I still feel it under the niceness you know what I mean like it is nothing genuine .
I’m sick of him bringing up sex we were out having food and he’s bringing it all up again like I have zero else to think about but it’s like he owns me when he says it it’s draining I laugh it off but I’m tired of it. I’m a person not an object for him.
He says all the nice things but I’m always nervous because I don’t know when mr nasty is coming back out to play.
Last night he was kickin off as I was (detail removed by moderator) abs that’s now allowed but he speaks to who he wants I never say a word I don’t care why would I.
Then all night he was moody till he wanted it again and I had to do it to keep the peace then he was back to being nice and all was ok.
It’s so draining living this life of pleasing someone then I try to stop and he kicks off again and your trapped with kids in the house u can’t just run off u have to think things through. Who knows if he would hit me I don’t trust him in that way.
Everyday is hard I’m living a lie I told my best friend a bit via text (detail removed by moderator) then tofsh he made me put up pics of us on social media after I told my friend so she’s going to look at those and not take me seriously now he forced me to put pics up of fake happiness.

[Rainbowcloud]

I’ve jsur called him about something my friend told me he flipped out down the phone accused me of trying to (detail removed by moderator). It was actually nothing to do with the conversation so he’s going to kick off later I really want to leave 🙁

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks all so much for replying to me and your right I know you are. Last night he came home with that face again really disturbs me then he kept asking me for hugs and why don’t you hug me anymore drives me nuts I have the baby and other kids all day then him sucking the life out of me all night either rowing on me or being so so needy.
It’s one or the other with him there’s never an in between I’ve noticed .
I feel horrified when I read how others get beaten up and things it’s awful then I feel grateful he doesn’t hit me which he does tell me well at least Ive never hit you etc
I’m being evicted from my house soon as the LL is selling so I’m stressing about that situation too 🙁

[Rainbowcloud]

Hi KIP such a strong support on here for us all. I feel like it is not bad Enough to leave him like sometimes it is ok and he doesn’t hit me so it’s ok. I know it’s not but I feel a fraud to what other go through on here.
I know if I tried to end it he would make my life very hard indeed.

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks so much your right he is a dictator he’s exactly that. I want to cry because I’ve caused this on us all and I didn’t want this for us. He’s not abusive everyday it comes and goes he has good days or good weeks so then I think it’s ok again.
Some of the old behavior he has stopped since my daughter was born but 70% of it is still there. He’s a good dad to her spends lots of time playing with her and loving to her so I feel bad if I take her away from him as well . I am going ring the helpline see if they can suggest anything for me to do. Thanks so much x

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks for both of your replies. It really stressed me out (detail removed by moderator) it was late I was tired and I just wanted to go to bed.
I know you say it’s rape but I went along with it in the end so it just feels like all the other times.
Sometimes it’s like it’s not about the sex it’s about the power of it or something.
I’m not there just to keep him happy but that’s how it feels and he knows I didn’t want it so why pursue it and pretend to be nice before it.
Makes me so stressed thinking about it knowing if I don’t do it then I causes the silent treatment and arguments.
When I’m on my monthly cycle he makes me make sure he’s sorted out like it’s such a chore for him to wait a few days so I don’t even get much of a break then anymore .
I’ve got four kids I don’t know how I can leave one is in his last year at school it’s so stressful isn’t it being trapped like this.

[Rainbowcloud]

He came down and started shouting because I had one of his (detail removed by moderator) this morning as I have non and can’t go to the shops.
Then he started shouting that I don’t show love that I’m (detail removed by moderator). I’ve tried to be nice he blanks me and ignores me then when I stop being nice and stop speaking I’m a cold hearted person who’s (detail removed by moderator).
He said he’s leaving after Xmas he won’t it’s all a lie. I’m just trapped in this house with the constant torture daily when he comes down and he sneaks down to so quietly so I can’t hear trying to catch me on my phone.
Hate living like this I really do it’s the worst I’m so so depressed

[Rainbowcloud]

He’s kicking off again can’t be line I’ve got to go through another day of this I can’t do it 🙁

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou all for talking to me I might not be able to come back for a bit depends if I get any time alone again tomorrow.

[Rainbowcloud]

Yes I just worry about my eldest he’s (detail removed by moderator) don’t know how he would cope being moved thats one of the reasons I’ve hung on because of him he’s (detail removed by moderator).
I know what you mean but I feel like people would think I’m being a fraud if I left. He is a good dad most of the time snd smiles at everyone that kind of person. But you know he gives me one of his looks and that’s it so hard to explain he reminds me of (detail removed by moderator) acts a bit like him but not as tense in public but that kind of persona.
It’s so expensive for me to move I know I couldn’t do it or get away with it he woukdnt let me if he knew.
I need to think about things and ahah I’m going to do if I can live like this. I haven’t been properly happy for ages I have better weeks but I know it will not last till he starts again it’s horrible .

[Rainbowcloud]

Yes he even seems to time me at the shops as sometimes I will reply to friends msgs at the shop as I can’t Infront of him so then he starts asking where I’ve been and if I’ve been on my phone it’s not a life to live. I just feel like it’s not that BAD sometimes it’s ok and things I feel a fraud saying hes abusive.

[Rainbowcloud]

Hi thanks for replies our little girl is (detail removed by moderator).
It feels like sometimes he is ok for a while but lately I went out on a night out I got a bew hair style I got down new clothes as after the baby I lost myself. He hated all of it and got it into his head I was going to leave that wasn’t the case I was doing it for me to feel better. He likes me weak feeling terrible about myself. I had one night out which I had fight tooth snd nail to go on because he was kicking off then the next day he went on and on asking if I spoke to any men all day I had this so draining.
We was ok at Xmas but he still kept saying I didn’t love him anymore or giving him enough affection it’s all the time. I feel like I’m a cold person now because he goes on at me so much sometimes I don’t want to show love.
He hasn’t done anything to help me while he’s been ill I’ve had to (detail removed by moderator).
I was on my phone doing stuff (detail removed by moderator) and he walked in the room and I just tense I’m scared of him and his reactions. I wish he would stop but I’ve been with him years and know he won’t Christmas is the worse time 🙁
We rent together I’ve tried to look to move without him knowing but it’s so expensive I can’t move or get a place by myself.
He’s like a big baby want my attention all the time he wants what I cannot give to him anymore I’m drained with his behaviour. I try to snap him out of the tense atmosphere by being so nice to him but it never works till the the explosion then he gets over it for a few days but all on his terms.
Wish I knew what to do for the best. I think things are ok for a bit but it always goes back if you know what I mean.

[Rainbowcloud]

Sande I’ve not heard thag who said that? I get no personal space non I can’t even go to bed early because he goes in a foul mood I have to stay up till he goes to bed it’s just not a nice life for me he’s in shower now.
I’m upstairs with baby I have to go down now please reply when u can. He never hits me though physical it’s not like that it’s all mental

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou so sorry not replied he is off work and I’m not allowed to use t phone really when he’s here because he kicks off real bad about it.
I’ve had two days off from the sex side of things I am grateful but hes Defo getting worse again hes obsessed with everything I do even like me going shopping or the shops without him.
I’m like a prisoner when he’s off and if I go out he goes in a mood so I don’t go anywhere I do the school run that’s it .
I want him to go back to work it’s to much this lockdown has caused me so much misery.
I have to go now he told me I wasn’t a good mom today and our baby only smiles at him because he puts time in with her. I have three other children I have to look after aswlel and I’m run ragged. He’s so nasty I hope I can post again soon .

[Rainbowcloud]

(detail removed by moderator)
He also accused me once again of cheating and I’m making him cry at work he’s having a breakdown he isn’t sure if the kid is even his child and why don’t I love him why can’t I go back to how I used to be he was happy then! Such a lie he wasn’t happy he’s never been happy in all this time joke. He was only happy when I did whatever he wanted and was never happy even then. (detail removed by moderator) got a few days of hell but then hopefully I will be free if he doenst find out and kill me I don’t know what he’s capable of he’s out of control at the moment very erratic crying one minute shouting the next

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks so much very similar and what I’m experiencing also. Like today we went out with the kids had a nice day but he makes sexual remarks then he went off on one saying (detail removed by moderator).
He was making sexual remarks in a secret to me so the kids didn’t hear and being overly nice but I still feel like there’s an aggressive undertone to what he’s saying. Like (detail removed by moderator) things like this he was saying and it doesn’t feel sincere to me like it’s fake and cringeworthy because tomorrow he might change to the other character he plays.
Like last night he blew up after work as I was (detail removed by moderator) so I don’t actually.
So then I feel I can’t speak when he’s there I would never do that to him or make him feel like that.
Then he wanted you know what again and once again I had to go through with it past midnight I was tired too.
It’s like I’m just there for him but then he’s nice and then I think we’ll things aren’t that bad but they are.

[Rainbowcloud]

That look is the worse I hate it the best is when he is doing his silent treatment then my parents turn up out the blue then he acts so nice to me and them and I dread them leaving as he reverts back right away it’s all controlled .

[Rainbowcloud]

He only gives me that shouts if I ask for more. Sometimes though he can switch and be generous and buy me things on a whim mainly stuff I haven’t asked for but he buys stuff we don’t need like (detail removed by moderator) when my daughter needs (detail removed by moderator).
I kept asking for (detail removed by moderator) and he was moaning she (detail removed by moderator) I kept saying can I have the money for her (detail removed by moderator) for weeks then one day (detail removed by moderator) after he fell out with me and wouldn’t speak for days then he took her for the (detail removed by moderator) without asking me what ones it was her first (detail removed by moderator). I felt like that was a tactical thing he did aswell like games all the time.
It’s so hard to explain isn’t it but you guys understand.
He got better with the money thing after I told his mom and she had a word but he slips back to his old ways and pays me like a 1940’s wife when I work too.
My sons aren’t his so he never helps toward them he has lots of money in the bank has a good job he isn’t short at all. He will watch me struggle to get the rent money though one month a few months ago he said he would give me more that month to my bills as Xmas coming up I kept asking for it after he offered then he give it me but threw it on the floor like I’m a dog it’s horrible behaviour.

[Rainbowcloud]

Hi yes he shouts in my face rages in my face a lot he explodes. He threw a (detail removed by moderator) over my head before my daughter was born that was horrible made me cry.
He’s threw me on the bed and held me down bes massive because he was trying to smash up my phone he bruised me all over but he hasn’t done them things since my little girl was born but he still shouts in my face. I can’t argue back he shouts in my face so loud.
I don’t want my daughter to think it’s normal or my sons but my sons know what he is like now.
Like I said sometimes things are calm for weeks sometimes snd it all feels normal then a cycle starts been in this one a month on and off now.
It is scary because he doesn’t hit me but he doesn’t need to then he gives me silent treatment won’t look at me when I try to speak or totally blanks me but speaks to our daughter.

[Rainbowcloud]

What do you mean financial abuse ? He gives me money each week (detail removed by moderator) and that is it I have to pay for every thing else it isn’t half each it’s (detail removed by moderator) of I ask for anymore he shouts so I don’t ask. He buys stuff for our daughter but moans a lot so I end up buying most of it to stop the looks and the strops. He thinks (detail removed by moderator) is enough for all our outgoings rent is over six times that.

[Rainbowcloud]

I know I agree with you I don’t think it’s right what he does to me and how he gives me anxiety like this. My mom I think just worried I will be alone with four kids and won’t cope so she doesn’t want me to leave him because she’s worried of me being alone.
I said to her I wish he would go I’m so unhappy but she said you don’t mean it you would be upset and yes I would but doesn’t stop me being unhappy.
He bought me extra Xmas presents this year because he’s been a nightmare all month I think.
Even Xmas eve I tried to give him affection as he was moaning I wasn’t then he wouldn’t hug me back and said everything is on my terms and that he didn’t want to hug me so I cannot win in the situation it’s very confusing at times .
I need to speak to my mom another time about it but she doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to hear it.

[Rainbowcloud]

Yes everything is usually my fault I’m the carrier. I said I don’t want to catch it because of the kids when he was moaning about (detail removed by moderator) I don’t want her to be ill if I can avoid it. He’s choosing to sit upstairs now he told me today there is nothing between us snd he’s Leaving soon but I’ve heard this speech so much and but he never does leave.
He used to make me cry saying all this stuff but not anymore I just get bad anxiety now when he’s in this mood which could last days.
I tried to look for houses I can’t go into a refuge when so many women are going through way worse and I’m just stuck in this weird relationship so I don’t know what to do . If I said he was abusive no one would believe me.

[Rainbowcloud]

I told my mom she just said all men are like this snd it will be ok soon. I said but he’s controlling she said he is well your allowed to go out he’s not controlling he doesn’t seem controlling lol she knows full well he is controlling but he puts on an act so then she makes me think this is normal.

[Rainbowcloud]

I really feel for you being both physically and mentally abused. Physically is horrible I’ve not had that but it’s come close when I have pushed it . The walking on eggshells shells is the worst. I hate it hate living like this .

[Rainbowcloud]

Do they all do this then ? I have no clue how other men act

[Rainbowcloud]

Your right I’m just used to it so think it’s normal. I’ve been used to just explaining myself over and over the night out I had since then he’s got worse because I hadn’t been out for (detail removed by moderator) snd he hated it but was a (detail removed by moderator) so he kind of had to let me go but made life misery everyday leading up to it then afterwards too.
Just wish he would stop but never will 🙁

[Rainbowcloud]

That sounds exactly like me and how he would act I was ill in (detail removed by moderator) not covid but really poorly snd he gave me sympathy for two days then when I wasn’t getting better fast enough that was it I had to just carry on and try and cope even though I was so unwell . I will probably get it but just have to carry on he’s on day four of being in bed now.
Such hard work it is they make it worse they make life so much harder than it needs to be.
But he keeps saying I don’t care I do care I’ve asked how he is and been the shops to get him (detail removed by moderator) etc what more can I do sit at the door talking to him all day. He even said I am the covid carrier and I’ve bought it into the house even though I don’t have it lol.
Just dread him coming downstairs I’m scared of him even though he’s never touched me.

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